Birthday: 01/01
Remind me to update my interests.
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I hope you've had a good life. I suppose we'll catch up in the next life, eh?
I have been away from gaia, as I am prone to do.
I am sorry.
I'm just not happy. At all. I'm not whining or complaining to anyone about it. Infact, I'm just... Being as normal as I can.
I feel like an empty automation. Like something in my 'core' has been lost.
Even though I am perfectly healthy, I feel like just throwing up or my head hurts when I don't even have a headache.
It's like I'm desperately trying to hold myself back from something. I don't even think I would be happy if I went back to South Carolina.
It's like losing your virginity or something. You want to go back, but even if you go back (or pretend to have it), you don't and that'll never change.
I feel like I have no one I can really trust with anything. You're the only person who I can really talk to about it.
My life feels like an open wound, tender and vulnerable. Part of me wishes I could just lay down and sleep forever.
Another part of me feels I need to keep pushing on - as if through a forest of thorns. The pain is only temporary.
I just have to keep thinking to myself that I'm halfway through that forest - If I turned back now, all the pain I would have to re-experience was all for nothing.
Both require a pretty solid list of scholarly requirements, for the long run.
Makes me think all the time and effort I put into my A.A. in general arts is a waste, looking at all the classes I would have to take.
I'm just trying to plan out what I need to do. Get a part-time job, for starters. But my folks here want me to go to school, first.
But the problem is; what am I going to school for if I'm not even certain what I want to do?
These are just things I need to work out on my own.
I feel like they're rushing me to make a life-altering decision.
Ugh. And my mother wonders why I already have silver hair by the age of 21.
Sounds like you need a concert buddy. That's the bad thing about solo'ing a concert - Especially the mosh-pit prone types.
I've gone to a few and acted as the unofficial 'safety buddy' for a few women.
I mean, most of them are barely five feet tall, tiny and dainty looking - next too a horde of 6 feet tall, 30 year old drunk, angry moshers.
Believe it or not, I was at a Hawthorne Heights concert (Don't ask. I went because a lady friend asked me to come) and things got pretty moshy there (Srsly?).
At one point in time, I was caught between two pits with a pair of smaller girls near me - And this drunkard whose hopping around one pit tries to grab both of them and drag them in.
Well. I did what comes naturally.
I elbowed the s**t out of his face and sent him back into the mosh pit.
But, yeah. I'm really happy that you're not dead - or worse.
Being thrown and face-planting into the stage usually sucks for your health, even for a normal person.
As far as being a police officer goes, I do want to protect. It's in me. I couldn't think of any other way I'd like to live.
Tried the military. No-go on that. May be a no-go for the police, considering I'm partially blind in my left eye.
If it doesn't work out with the police force here in California, I'll work towards being a firefighter.
If that doesn't work, then I'll go into journalism. Maybe one of those traveling journalist.
I'm going to pin my odd dreams on the mental stress I'm under from the move.
Long story short, there was a woman I fell for in South Carolina. We had a 'hot to luke warm' type of relationship. Never really put a label to anything. Mostly just friends.
But we were a thing, in the past, and lovers sporadically throughout and afterward, a few years later.
I just feel a bit possessive of her, even though we really weren't dating.
Just had some pretty... Detailed dreams of her with someone else. That's all. It bothers me and just fuels my distrust towards her.
She left me for another guy, then we randomly fell back together after she broke up with the guy - Having dated him for the past 2 years. 2 years we didn't communicate with each other.
It's complicated, for lack of better definition.
I guess the reason why the dream that I had of her with some other unrecognizable other is because I figure it's probably true - Or more than likely to be true within a month's time, at less.
She isn't a slut, or I don't think of her as such, but I just understand she has relatively strong physical needs and she's easily drawn into intimate situations, if the mood suits her.
Just need to keep reminding myself that it's over - Even if there was something - it's gone now that I'm out of there. Mentally psyching myself up, I guess.
As... Odd as it is, I just need time to 'empty' myself out of those old emotions. Make room for the new emotions accompanying the change I'm trying to experience here, in California.
Right... Well... That was a bit much.
Guess I had a bit on my mind, eh?
Sorry. I try not to turn my messages into personal problem dumps but... Meh. It happens?
I'm finally taking some steps in my life towards a goal. Talked with a police officer, couple days back, about joining the police force here.
Figure I'll see about getting my associates in Criminal Justice before I actually sign on.
Going to speak with one of their recruiters in a few days.
As far as things in California are concerned, I'm just kind've here - But not here.
Part of me keeps thinking this is temporary. Then I have to remind myself that I'm not going back.
I've had some frustrating dreams, lately, which have only fueled my already problematic trust issues.
I shouldn't let it bother me, though. The people in South Carolina are dead to me. I just have to keep reminding myself that.
I've had a thing for Jazz, ever since I played this post-apocalyptic Xbox360 game, Fallout 3.
The game theme, itself, is amazing and the music you hear throughout the game really adds to the overall atmosphere. A 5/5 game, by my standards.
But yeah, when I started surfing the radio channels here, Jazz was the 2nd or 3rd station I found and I've been switching between that and some alternate rock.
I did get your messages, but I never really had enough time - Or the right mood - to really reply to you. Just didn't feel like I capable of keeping your interest, at the time.
First off, no; you have not done anything to upset me and I am sorry for making you think so.
I'm typing this to you from my new home in California. The past week has been a hectic one, to say in the least.
Physically, mentally and emotionally.
As far as my injuries go, I'll probably have minor aches and pains for the rest of my days, but I am - otherwise - healthy.
Every morning, I wake with a bit of an ache in my back, but I do some yoga stretches and lift some light weights to work it out.
I have certainly missed you, though. It was always nice (and a bit of a relief) to get to chat with you.
Jazz is my new music of preference. Found the perfect 60's Jazz station on the radio, when I moved here, Thursday.
How are you doing, though, Rebecca? I know we left off at a bit of a cliff-hanger.
If you truly had been a weaker individual, this probably would've been our last conversation.
I am happy that you understood what I had to say.
Do what you need to do, Rebecca.
I trust you'll do the right thing - Not for the world or for other people, but for yourself.
In the end, that's all that matters.
I never imagined you would use peer pressure as an excuse, Rebecca.
You know you're above something as trivial as that.
Maybe it isn't the same way for others but, well, being alone has never really bothered me.
It's been roughly three years, give or take, since I last had a meaningful relationship.
Yes, the physical longing is there but I've never, ever once told myself,
"Hey, I might as well go find someone to depend on since I'm getting older."
That isn't the way it works. That's how little high school children think.
You should take the 'peer pressure' and kick it's a** out the door.
Tell this guy that you're "in a relationship" with that you aren't feeling it and that it isn't going to work out.
The relation's doomed already. You don't even want it.
Tell your friend in NC to keep it in his pants - That you're dealing with s**t and that it'll have to wait.
People do not know what they want, Rebecca.
Expect everyone to rationlize like a child until they can prove it to you that they are worth the respect of a independent individual.
You're probably thinking to yourself, "This guy doesn't even know me."
And you're right. I don't know you, Rebecca. Not yet.
But if someone who barely knows you can see the kind of crap you're building around yourself,
then you know as well as they do that it's all going to fall down around you - And leave you no better off than before, if not worse.
Sometimes life does rush at you.
Sometimes you open that door - And you're flooded with sounds, smells, and people.
You -can- back off, Rebecca. You can slow yourself down and catch your breath.
I hope you realize that. You don't have to be overwhelmed. You don't have to.
Lots of people are just content to go with the flow.
it annoys the living Hell out of me but my best friend is the type of person to make a decision,
then when it doesn't work out - He simply accepts it and 'goes with the flow'.
When it doesn't work out, he'll inwardly put the blame off on others - Making it seem as if he had no real choice in the matter.
We always have a choice, no matter how significant it may or may not be.
The society we live in is a twisted one.
The good worry too much about the feelings of others, that they'll sacrifice happiness.
The bad either do not care or are oblivious to it, so they'll keep doing what they do and letting others suffer.
Worry about your own feelings. Worry about how this is affecting you.
Not to stereotype women and men all at once, but women are more attune to their feelings. More emotionally connected to their actions.
Men... Well, majority of us are tough in ways that we don't understand - Something that makes it easier for us to dettach ourselves from feeling so intensely.
Not all men are the same. Not all women are the same.
What I am trying to say is that what is important and emotionally 'epic' for you may not mean anything to the man you're with.
In the short period of time in which I have known you, I have gathered a sense of respect for you, Rebecca.
Don't let yourself be a victim of circumstances - Especially when you can change it.
This is the story of your life.
You don't "go with the flow". You don't do what you should.
You sure as Hell didn't die when those professionals of health declared you unlikely to survive, why should you now let life roll over you in the form of relationship issues?
If she's related to you, though, I'm going to just assume she'll be fine since she's related to a fighter. wink
Life is a combination of our choices, experiences, and the feelings we have.
What life is worth living if we limit our choices? We limit our experiences and, in turn, limit our feelings.
Grasp life with both hands - Love what can be loved, feel what can be felt.
Accept everything for what it is, don't waste time on what it could be.
Rebecca, love this man - And experience life from him, while you can.
But do not let it stop you. Don't let feelings of misguided guilt hold you back from experiencing life.
For all we know, despite the many religions and beliefs, this may be our one and only chance.
But to the matter at hand, it is... Complicated, to say in the least, to love someone you cannot hold, cannot feel, cannot smell.
Until you can experience them with all of your senses, a part of your subconscious denies the validity of their existence.
For such a small organ, the heart's capacity for love is vast and wide. Unlimited, if the mind would allow for it to be.
There is no such thing as a single type of love. Love is in many forms, and you have limitless love to give and receive within your heart.
I love my family, I love my past. I love my heartbreaking relationships. I love people I have never met. I love - I love as much as I can without letting it limit me.
Love isn't there to limit you - It's there to free you.
I speak from experience. It's the problem with our generation - And the generations to come after us. We experience life much more faster then our predecessors.
It's a curse. A gift. We'll love, lose, suffer and know pain within our hearts before we even reach twenty. We have. Others will.
The world is a broken, sad place. A child that humanity left in the closet for too long - Abused for too long.
We have, as a whole, come to expect this as the normal.
People have forgotten how to hold something of real value to our hearts.
I, too, share similar experiences to yours, Rebecca. Perhaps not word for word, but we have walked similar paths.
My family wanted me social - I was never prohibited from experiencing things by outside sources, but I was trapped inside, growing up.
Trapped within myself. My mind. I was cold, vicious and a selfish individual. At times, I still am. It's a weakness, but can be a strength.
I am... Odd. Human beings have forgotten intimacy.
Touching people. I don't do it. Not with strangers. I'll shake the hands of strangers, but that is as far as I will go.
I will go out of my way to avoid touching others, without their permission.
A hug is not just wrapping your arms around someone - It's combining your soul - Your essence - with their own.
You feel their life, their essence and being against your own. Their smell, the feel of their body - Their heartbeat against your own.
You love him, but not as truly as you believe.
Love is in the heart and the mind.
The mind acknowledges everything the other is.
The heart -feels- everything the other is.
Your love for this other man is only through your mind.
Your heart doesn't know.
That's why you are confused.
That's why you don't know.