About

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You already have no clue who I am, so before you judge me by a few words, I will show you who the real girl that you're looking at. Names April . I try to encourage people to just be themselves and stand out. And by you looking/acting like myself or someone else you're only making the world more closed minded and vulnerable to have everyone looking the same. I am country . Now before you sit there and say " Oh yeah, She is just an incest b*****d, just listen, I'm just like every other human being on the planet, I just have a different View on life and a Different personality. I have my own opinions and that is what labels simply are. When we first see people we categorize them to make ourselves feel more comfortable with whom we are. But to me the only opinion that matters is my own. I do not live a peachy, easy life. Just like everyone I have a life, and in my life, I have problems just like you. Now that you've got a glimpse of what I am not, here are some things that I am. I Am a very open-hearted person. I follow my heart more than I should. That has taught me a lot of lessons that I have learned the hard way. I'm not going to tell you I'm not a dime a dozen, because I am. If you tell me a secret I’ll take it to my grave. I’m a mystery. Very few people know the real me . People say I'm weird, but that's okay, who says there wrong. Being normal is overrated anyway. If you get into my face, or all up on my boy/girl, I'll take your a** down. I won't bullshit you so don't bullshit me. I am DEFINITELY a very big pervert. I don't know how I gained this vulgar mind, but it's there now so deal with it. I live my life by MY rules and limits, since I am the only one who knows them the best Well, I don't live my life by what death will be like. I live MY life MY way, so that when my time comes, it came the way I wanted it to without any regrets. To sum things up, here: I am a person with a MIND, VOICE, and HEART that chooses to use them all at once... Ohhhh maaannnnnn here we go again... I've had one of everything. A player, a cheater, stuck-up asswipes, I have all had the wrongs and I think it's time a right came walking into my life. To My Haters and Non-believers To everyone that hates me and doesn't think I'm real- I am aware that some people don't like my style, my personality, etc. Well, that's just A-OKAY. You don't have to dress or act a certain way. It's just the way I chose to rock it. (:. I do get hate mail/and "Your a Freak" mail frequently. I just think it's a waste of time for me and the ones who write/wrote it. Most of the time I laugh at your feeble attempts to try to insult me. In life it is true that everyone has an opinion about me , but the only opinion that matters, is my own. I am not going to message you back, yelling at you or calling you names. Because I know that I'm way better then that. I have more class So it really is just a waste of your time. There will be not one second that I will take your opinion in consideration. I don't care. I have basically been called everything in the book: Freak , cocky ***, weird, etc. I know who I am and I am none of the above. If you add me, I'll be a friend, but I won't stand for Drama, or Bullshit. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT!... Call me hot, sexy, or baby. They are degrading and you have not taking the time to get to know me to be able gain the right to call me these names. T4LK 2 Mi LYK DIS, or any form of that, it just makes you look dumb. Please don't waste my time with your stupidity of the English language, you have a full keyboard under your fingertips, structure sentences and words as so. So before you click the message or comment button, with the intention of insulting me think in your head, "Wow. I really have nothing better to do with my life than try to insult someone over the internet." You will realize how pathetic you are.

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DISSECTION: I want to get inside you, read you, rip your veins apart. Count the bruises within, and memorize every scar that's left its mark upon you. I need to push you away and then later slowly pull you back; just to see if you are willing to both loose and win. I want you to feel uncomfortable as I ask you what you're thinking at random; it's the bewildered eyes that satisfy me. Quiet people I adore you; I will chidingly observe you; while being anonymously eager to make you scream. Outgoing ones; I envy your sense of conformity, but I have every notion to sew your mouth shut to help you appreciate the silence you are too busy to ever hear. I like the way people are; ninja ANATOMY: I wish I knew what it meant to be me. The more I think about it, the greater my headache burns. With my inner complexity, I suppose you can describe me as a ball of rubber bands. Twisted; tangled. All my thoughts are intertwined with every part of me. I don't have a solid core. I'm filled with gaps and holes throughout the course of my body. "I feel like a perpetual smudge. My lines all curve. I tend to connect the wrong dots." I believe there is something more extraordinary out there; maybe there is not a word for it, but I will find it. I don't believe in love anymore not because only I think it's fake, it's just a word for an emotion. The real love is only in movies and fairy tales. And to meet someone to prove me wrong that's when I will think different. mrgreen SURGERY: If you and I happen to lock eyes as we walk about on this earth's crust; I promise you, you mean something to me. I see you wrapped in your individual linen; I just want you to know, you look like the sun. You are bright and I pray that you would follow me forever. If not, I won't hesitate to follow you. When I people observe; literally daily, I cant help but yearn for the passerby's. If I could, I would gently wrap you in my hands and place you safely in my pocket. You will be mine and I will be yours. Attached at the hip, only separated by a thin piece of cloth. You'll understand me as I will understand you. For we know nothing of each other to judge. I hope you wont flee; run from me. I must admit, unfamiliar confrontation; engaging in nervous conversation; unfamiliar attraction; scares me, but I assure you, we will make the best of our time. I like the ghost in your voice, hiding every bad event; decision; thought; in your past you've ever had. Cute. Your shadow looks perfect under you; it mimics your hips perfectly; whether they are curvy or straight; they are beautiful. You are beautiful. You have caught my attention. Now...I pray that I have yours. You take it from here. 4laugh MAIN: First words and first steps. Mine were behind closed doors... without credit. It's funny... the way that you can clean yourself up and still be treated as if you are soiled. Right now, I'm the straight line that some keep trying to smudge. Everything to them comes down to the decimal point. My change is just something between the cushions in their eyes. Sometimes I feel like the new haircut that goes unnoticed... the new shirt that gives you confidence yet only draws ridicule. Believe me when I say that I've tried to die. My curse is this word "forever" that is written all over me. My failure isn't in the passions that I have, but in my lack of control of them. I've been fighting demons alone and I'm ok with that. I have comebacks for miles. "You're not dead yet. That's just how you feel Its good to feel pain because it means your still alive." Excuses are just fireworks that never went off... and that never will again. Maybe all of this has only been the medicine talking. Or maybe it's just the only thing I have left in these fingers. It's all the same as the world spins and I find myself chasing consciousness. I'm somewhere deep inside all of this mess. Just promise to keep chiseling away. Forget the oxygen, pump forgiveness into the darkness. scream FLAT LINE: I will tell you now that I make my own decisions. wither good or bad we all make mistakes every day in life. I don't hold grudges anymore I think its a waste of time to be mad at someone all the time. I'm nice but don't take advantage of it or try and kiss my a**. Because I can turn it around and be a ***. I'm not scene, gothic, emo or anything else you want to call me or to put in your little stereotypes. I am me I have my own style. It's called myself. I'm tired of getting hurt by guys. I do not think there is a guy out there for me that will treat me right or some guy that's worth everything. I'm not saying all guys are horrible just a lot of guys put a bad label on themselves. I'm agnostic, its just something that feels right for me and don't try to change the way I see things. I just don't want to sit and waste my life on something that might not even be nothing. then I do believe there is a higher power out there somewhere. We all don't even know. We are just based on some book something we need to believe in. A lot of people are scared some people don't even know what they want in life. Just as I see it a lot of people are doing things that someone thinks would be right for them. The conflicts in the individuality shows that you cant be alone. Me for myself, I am alone, I think and do what I think is right. I have morals in life. I don't need your substances to make me feel better and soak in loneliness. If you lie to me, trust me I will ******** find out. Regardless or not, you get one chance with me. rofl INSANITY: For so long I have lived in world of unrelenting pain and everlasting hell. For awhile I have taken punishment, physical and mental, whatever it may be it has brought me to this point. I have shown compassion, but received none. I have wanted to be loved, but have never been so fortunate. Lately now, I have wanted to feel sorry for people, but I can show no feelings toward them; for now i have no love, have no compassion, I am empty, I have no soul, no heart, I am hollow. Most of the dark, dismal cloud of depression hung over my head. It has struck me with pressuring winds, raindrops of sorrow and lightning bolts of unforgiving hatred. For now the slightest insult, the slightest act of stupidity can send my blood boiling to the point where I loose control and for a moment forget who I am. For so long has this infectious and unhealthy frame of mind haunted me. Thoughts of painful history sliced through my mind and spirit like steel-edged dreams, slashing at every strand of sanity I have. I have lived in the unyielding world of suffering and For so long I have felt so alone. sweatdrop DETRACTION: It's funny how very simple and intricate illusions can be. I don't ever want to know where the blades go, or how the assistant steps out unharmed. If the world came to an end, I'd rather stay blindfolded than open my eyes. Small amounts of "genuine" have dressed themselves in black and invaded the corners of my lips. Pulling them towards the stars and convincing them to spend the night. My stomach turns when you're near but only in the best directions. I'm faking everything, just to look like more of a loser because that's all I've ever known. These knuckles are bruised from fights that never happened except in my head. I was looking for comfort in all the wrong places, steel wool instead of silk. My greatest flaw is my obsession with feeling sorry for myself... no wait... my greatest flaw is my inherent need to document it. If you read between the lines, you'd realize I don't mean half of what I say, and everything that I don't. It's hard to be completely honest, when the world revolves around how well you can lie. I can manipulate people without realizing it, if only to get myself out of a jam. Bending (over) the truth has become a habit. I'm losing my sight from staring at keyboards in the dark, trying to be everything to everyone, and nothing to myself. confused FORGIVENESS: My life of darkness, my living nightmare I know shall never end. It will haunt my every moment of everyday hoping to sooner or later send me over the edge. How will I be able to live a normal life with a monster of this caliber haunting every waking moment of every day, slashing through my strands of sanity that I hold so dear? I have released myself from deaths iron grip once before but I may not have the strength to accomplish that again. Will no one help me? I am as a junkie would be. Caught under the bridge of life, injecting the drug of happiness as often as I could get a hold of it, to feel that sensation for a brief moment. Only to have it vanish and feel as though it had never come, making me crave it more. At times I feel as thought death is the only way out and I accept it as my ticket to freedom even thought I fear it the most of all. Wanting what I fear is just more proof that this life of hatred, suffering, depression and heartache has taken such a toll on my feeble body, my withered soul and my shattered heart. It has beaten me down into what I could now be classified as a broken heap of worthless nothing. I pray for the day when that light of guidance shines upon me and welcomes me with open arms to a world of friendship and love. But will I find that light? Will I be so fortunate? Will that day finally come? Only Time Will Tell. In the beginning I was only planning on holding on to you and using you recreationally, but then I started needing you at nights and then all of the time. The not remembering is what gets to me the worst. 3nodding ESSENCE: It's okay to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation. Taking ink in a massive dose and watching as blank pages turn black while my hand and head double team my heart. The inside of my head feels foggy like a London winter, but without all of the class and dignity. Nobody gets how my head feels when I lay sideways on the pillow. We are becoming who we are meant to be. We are becoming who we were. Time passes like bottles between thoughts. Letting myself just float....to just feel ok. Being happy doesn't mean you are unauthentic. Breathing life is alright... in doses you know. cry ISOLATED: Eyes locked on the curb and blades of grass that sneak between the cracks. Picking myself apart. The only life I feel is in my right hand, and that's weird, because its linked with yours. I've been letting my mind get the best of us all, friends included, and it can be such a weapon of destruction. confused WakingUpInGuilt: Illuminate this bed and make this feel epic. Let's become a disaster and a masterpiece rolled into one. Carefully chiseled rough edges are all I am made of. Currently trying to figure out how to untangle myself of the expectations that I have casted. Fingers going at the rate of my thoughts. I've been shedding tears in nightmares the past few nights. Dreaming everyone close to me away. I think that I only apply this pressure to myself because that's how you are supposed to handle an open wound. Still trying to convince them all to swallow reality and belch the truth. That's my cure. This year everyone exchanged guilt for the holidays. It's always "give love, make blood" when they're around. Torn between telling you the truth or letting you get what you deserve. Kill me. ♥