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I SHALL BE BRIEF, FOR THE MIGHTY XAGFAFTHA'S PATIENCE IS LIMITED AS HE IS ALONG THE WAY OF HIS MIGHTY DUTIES! I WILL SHARE WITH YOU THE SECRETS OF XAGFAFTHA, OKAY?

- HE IS 63 STORIES TALL AND HIS NUBILE YOUNG BODY IS FOREVER YEARS OLD
- HE HAS A THOUSAND MIGHTY JAWS FILLED WITH CHEF'S KNIFE'S TEETH THAT ARE FIT TO CRUSH THE BONES OF HIS ENEMIES
- HE HAS MILLIONS OF MUCH SEEING EYES THAT SIT UPON HIS GLORIOUS HEAD, MANY OF WHICH SEE INTO THE GREAT DARKNESS OF MAN'S HEART AND MIND
- HIS FOLLOWERS MUST ENGAGE IN OCCASIONAL WORSHIP, WHICH INCLUDES THE EATING OF ORANGES (WHICH HE HAS DECLARED TO TASTE VERY SIMILAR TO THE SOULS OF UNBELIEVING HEATHENS) AND THE RECITING OF IMPROVISATION XAGFAFTHA FANFICTION WHICH MUST INCLUDE A BUS STOP, THE THEME OF LOVE, THE MIGHTY XAGFAFTHA HIMSELF, AND CONCLUDING IT WITH OUR MIGHTY LORD XAGFAFTHA DEVOURING THE SOULS OF UNBELIEVERS WHO ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM; NEVER GOING BEYOND THE PG-13 RATING FOR THAT IS CONSIDERED SINFUL IN THE EYES OF THE DARK LORD XAGFAFTHA (OR RATHER, GAIA MODS)
- HIS MIGHTY ANGEL XAGAGASFIR IS SAID TO BE THE MIGHTIEST OF FANFICTION TELLERS AND IS HIGHLY HONORED AS AN OFFICIAL FIT TO REAP THE SOULS OF UNBELIEVERS
-WHEN IT COMES THE TIME OF GREAT WEEPING OUR MIGHTY LORD XAGFAFTHA SHALL COME TO EARTH AND DESTROY ALL MANKIND'S CORN SUPPLY, AND DRINK THE BLOOD OF CHICKENS, AND DEVOURING THE SOULS OF ALL THOSE WHO OPPOSE HIM IN THE SLIGHTEST BIT
- THE DARK LORD XAGFAFTHA HAS DECLARED THE FOLLOWING TO BE FULL OF GREAT JUSTICE: SALMON DRAPERY WITH GOLDEN FRINGE; ABSRACT QUILTS THAT ARE NOT TOO COMPLICATED; SPHERICAL PAPERWEIGHTS CONTAINING ORGANIC MATERIAL, MOST FAVORABLY THE APPENDAGES OF HIS MOST HATED ENEMIES; AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST THE GAY GUYS FROM QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY (BUT THE MIGHTY ANGEL XAGAGASFIR DOES NOT KNOW WHY)
-AND FINALLY, THAT ALL FOLLOWERS MUST WEAR THEIR CHICKEN HEADS AND DRESS-WEAR AND SPEAK IN CAPS LOCK WHEN PREACHING THE WORD OF THE MIGHTY XAGFAFTHA

THAT IS ALL.