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You're welcome! Your story really was an enjoyable read, and I'm glad you found my comments helpful. 3nodding

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((I don't have must experience reviewing poetry, so I apologize in advance if I don't do too well on this))

Author and Title: her tether by Little Teacup Storm

1. Style Rating: 4
---a. Comments: I really like the way this poem is written. Your word choice is highly appropriate, and there is a rhythm to your poem which makes it easy to read; it did throw me off a bit, though that might be because I'm not too accustomed to reading poetry of this type. Basically, it seems to get better with each reading. I'm impressed by how well this ties together. In general I'd say your style is sophisticated, though this also forces the reader to think harder in order to better understand what you wrote.

2. Narrative Rating: 5
---a. Comments: For a poem of it's length, I'd have to say your narrative was particularly powerful. From the very beginning, you don’t waste words. Your style and wording give life to the narrative; it is there, a strong backbone, and it gives your poem meaning. Your words do not ring empty or decorative because of your narrative. I can visualize what you describe and sense the emotion laden in your poem. ^_^

3. Characters Rating: 3
---a. Comments: Your character, or what I interpret to be the character (the first person voice) is distinctive, and adds to the poem. I guess my main issue would be the angsti-ness? Don't get me wrong, you did a great job with the poem, but the whole romance/angst theme is used enough so that it doesn't impress me as much as it might have otherwise, and there isn't enough shown of the character to fully break away from the cliché.

4. Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation Rating: 5
---a. Comments: Nothing that really struck me as wrong or inappropriate or incorrect.

5. Plot Rating: 4
---a. Comments: While, as I mentioned under characterization, the concept underlying it doesn't strike me as the most original -- angst, especially romantic angst -- having been done many a time, your execution was highly impressive and made the work compelling and interesting.

6. Over-all Impression Rating: 4
A finely crafted piece of poetry which, in my opinion, does much justice to the craft. Your word choice, just the writing in general, strikes me, and as I said, I like the poem more each time I read it (read it about 5 times over in reviewing it lol). You take what seems a well-used concept and work it into something very good. Kudos to you ^_^

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Ok I apoligise so much for all the mistakes I've done. This is take 3! sweatdrop blaugh I'm sorry so much Mahayr with you always PMing me...god I must be a pain, but I really do appreciate it. Sorry! I'm a bit dumb hey sweatdrop xd oh rite on with this!

Hope I did it right this time! Oh and this is COPYRITED!

Author (if other than Gaia name to be used): Misty Amethyst

Title: Tears of Heartbreak

Contest Assignment Title: Free Choice

Submission Genre: Poem

Submission Being Reviewed:
Author and Title:
1. Style Rating: 4-5
---a. Comments: Very unique. Good prospective.
2. Narrative Rating: 4
---a. Comments: Well set our paragraphs. Very descriptive and intense wording.
3. Characters Rating: 3
---a. Comments: The main characters personality came alive, but failed to describe the other characters.
4. Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation Rating: 4
---a. Comments: Hardly any punctuation or grammer mistakes. No spelling mistakes I could pick up. But one thing is that I think it is unessacary to put a dot after the T.V when there is a comma after it.
Quote:
T.V.,

But minor error and I could be wrong myself.
5. Plot Rating: 5
---a. Comments: I liked the plot of culture and reluctance. It was a very good story
6. Over-all Impression Rating: 4 1/2

Overall a very inspiring story that has great description. I enjoyed it and got a better understanding of culture. It was a deep story.

My Poem:

As I watch you look at her,
Smile, cuddle and kiss her;
My heart just slowly breaks,
But I know that's everything I have to take.
I feel tears form behind my eyes,
Everything I have ever tried,
But I will not cry...

Thank you! heart

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ATTENTION:

If Misty Amethyst does not submit a review of Cassandra's piece by the time another submission is entered, the person with the next submission will review Cassandra's piece and if Misty wishes to be reconsidered, she will resubmit WITH a review in the proper format of the submission directly before her RE-submission.

Otherwise, Misty's submission will not be considered part of this Contest.

Misty, I apologize if I was unclear, please do feel free to either review now, or if there is another submission, follow the above directions.

Thank you.

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Judging "New Beginnings," by NataliaDisfontes [aka: Cass]
--[ Style ] So that's what 986 words looks... ohwait! Hahaha. (I think 1000 is a good length, if you ask me, which someone did, and that is why it was changed!)

I prefer third person styles, so I enjoyed reading this piece. The interweaving of personal and technical information was good and brought the story to life. Some of the sentence structures were unclear, awkward, and sometimes confusing and could be improved with a re-write.

I found some excellent word usage, comparisons, and common styles well done. On the other hand, some of the word usage was awkward or over-done. Again, easily improved with a re-write.

Improvements to be considered would include crisper paragraphing, more care given to concise detailing, and clarity. (2 - Fair)

--[ Narrative ] Good flow, decent time line that was easy to follow. While being definitive on one level, there were some forced-feeling portions. Realistically both serious and funny, I found myself feeling the pain, poignancy, and comedy. Good descriptions though some simplifications may be more effective. (3 - Average)

--[ Characters ] Easy and familiar, I found the girl's perspective interesting and the relationships thoughtful and often funny. In my opinion, this piece could be strengthened technically (see Sqarr's review for a few examples) and even lengthened to encompass a broader telling. (3 - Average)

--[ Grammar & Punctuation ] You did quite well with punctuation overall which was refreshing. Some of the grammar was questionable, easily correctable. (4 - Above Average)

--[ Plot | Originality ] I found the setting unusual, a pleasant surprise. I greatly enjoyed the relationship between the grandfather and donkey and could relate to it very well. Again, expanding would benefit the overall piece, and I do believe the writer cared about her material, considered development, and will go on to make her improvements (which I would be interested in seeing). (4 - Above Average)

--[ Overall ] Obvious potential, thoughtful and even provocative in some areas, I found this piece dripping with possibilities. Good work, Nat... I do hope you will let us see any revisions you do. (Re-writes submitted before the deadline will be considered - see rule addition.) (3 - Average)

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Judging "Edge of the World," by pingpong867
--[ Style ] Starting with a statement and ending with an opinion about that statement was effective. The progression from contemplation to decision was interesting. First person is always a difficult style (at least for me) and there was some inconsistency, awkwardness of expression, and unclear references. Mostly good paragraph structure. (3 - Average)

--[ Narrative ] While the flow was adequately straight-forward, I found too many redundancies and unnecessary repetitions. The subject is not meant to be comfortable but the reading, unless intentionally written to be upsetting (which I think it was not in this case), should be smoother. Make a choice to be either smooth or intentionally fragmented and strongly disjointed – which would show as a definite narrative style – and stick to it. (2 - Fair)

--[ Characters ] Since there was only the one character some of the redundancy could have been replaced with a sharper rhetoric defining more about her situation and condition. Too many unanswered questions for most audiences. What -was- said about her opinions and feelings did give me a twist or two and there is definite potential for more. (2 - Fair)

--[ Grammar & Punctuation ] Punctuation and grammar can be such a personal thing, but in this case there was a glaring overuse of commas. Try more variation, do not be afraid of ellipses points, dashes, and semi-colons! I found two misspellings and there should never be any of those. Be careful to keep tense consistent. Overall grammar was good. (2 - Fair)

--[ Plot | Originality ] I liked the effect of looking down on the world, in more ways than one. The subject itself, contemplating suicide, is a common one, but that does not (for me) reduce its relevance. The feelings evoked were precise and absolutely accurate… leaving me to wonder if the writer has been there, in reality. (4 - Above Average)

--[ Overall ] Taken as a whole I found this piece to be weakly disjointed and arrogant. While this fits into one of the categories of reasons people consider suicide, it left me flopping between resentment and sympathy. Either one should be focused on for a stronger affect. A complicated subject with obvious potential. And I still wonder… has she been there? (3 - Average)

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My Entry
Author: Glitch Makoto
Title: The Night Before Christmas
Contest Assignment Title: Free Choice
Submission Genre: Poem
Submission Being Reviewed: Damiascutlass - Hell Masked
NOTE: This poem is copyright me for now and 75 years after my death. But I doubt you'll know when I die because then how will I say on gaia "I died"? wink
NOTE 2: Bushin-no-Jutsu is copyright Naruto. Naruto is a great anime and manga which has an attack called Bushin-no-Jutsu (Art of the Doppleganger).

The night before Christmas,
All through Santa's secret base,
Every elf and helper was stirring,
Making some trains and maybe a vase.
Then I snuck in,
With caution not to make a din.
Then I hid,
Behind St. Nick's sled,
And emptied all the presents into a pillowcase,
The blue one from my bed.
Then I ran,
As fast as I can,
From Santa-land to
My base in Japan.
There I booked a flight,
With suitcases (a dozen or two),
Filled with toys that should have gone to Billy or Sue.
Then I laughed,
My ninja plan worked,
But little did I know,
What lurked.
Once I arrived,
I was ambushed,
By a squad of Gingerbread Ninjas,
That feared no milk, even the great brand Meijei.
But I had a key,
To my plight,
My only option was to fight.
And their candy-cane numchucks,
Clashed with my swords,
Then I used Bushin-no-justsu,
Just by chanting the words.
Then once I escaped,
And ran into my house,
I locked the door shut,
And threw out that dumb 'ol mouse.
Then once that was done, with not a moment to spare,
I opened the sack,
And saw my bag was bare,
Except for a gift,
From St. Nick himself,
A lump of coal, with a note that read:
"Glitch Makoto, you baka, I hope you die in your bed!"
Then I looked,
As disturbed as could be,
That old St. Nick,
Would say something so mean to me.
I was really tweaked,
That my plan didn't work.
I started to think,
How the could this be?
Then it struck me,
My plan wasn't as good as it could be!
So then I went to my desk,
And drew up the new plants,
And I think you can guess the rest.
It was the very year after that...

Rating for Hell Masked
Author and Title: Damiascutlass - Hell Masked

1. Style Rating: 3
---a. Comments: Great, sounded "antique" or like colonial times. But it was a little hard to keep up with.
2. Narrative Rating: 4
---a. Comments: Very flowing, you have great sentence fluency! Sounded a bit funny at times, but other than that, well done!
3. Characters Rating: 3
---a. Comments: I couldn't picture the German nor the female who had the spotlight. Few details were given, plus the characters didn't seem too real.
4. Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation Rating: 5
---a. Comments: I found nothing wrong, all spelling, grammar and punctuation were flawless (not so sure about this sentence, though xd ).
5. Plot Rating: 2
---a. Comments: I didn't really understand this plot. This girl's father takes a bunch of men to his mansion and let's them have *** with all the girls there? Why would he do that, and wouldn't a father intervene if her daughter was in such a situation? So many plotholes.
6. Over-all Impression Rating: 3

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Mahayr: Might I ask what the misspellings were? I reread it several times, and I can't find anything. Could you help?

And to resubmit, should I just repost? Or should I edit my old one?

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Oh, my plot was for another Gaia contest. It was supposed to be a Dark Romance short story. So, it didn't have much of a plot, which I agree with. And, there was only supposed to be one character to make the story flow better, but the prerequisite for the contest was to have a German. But, thanks for the review. I wrote it in about an hour, so not much time to wrok on it. I know to take more time now to write my short stories.

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pingpong867
Mahayr: Might I ask what the misspellings were? I reread it several times, and I can't find anything. Could you help?

And to resubmit, should I just repost? Or should I edit my old one?


Sure! The two mis-spellings were "disassociative" and "Homo sapiens" which I had to look up myself! Homo is capped and sapiens not, and it is two words.

For the rewrite, please do it as a resubmission, with no review required. I'm glad you are going to do that, it really shows you care about your writing, and took the review to heart, which means a great deal to me personally. I look forward to seeing it.

I am so dependent on my spellchecker that I am almost paranoid writing these posts directly! So PLEASE ignore my own typos, mis-spellings, etc. in here! Hahaha.

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Cassandra: Thanks for the review! Part of the reason I submitted this poem was because I wanted someone other than the poetry board regulars to take a closer look at it--I could tell there was a problem, but not what it was. The angst I more or less can't avoid, but I can find better ways to express it. Especially since, in this case, it's definitely not romantic angst as the poem as about my mother. sweatdrop However, if the poem was unclear enough to give you the wrong impression, I've got my work cut out for me. xd

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Mahayr
pingpong867
Mahayr: Might I ask what the misspellings were? I reread it several times, and I can't find anything. Could you help?

And to resubmit, should I just repost? Or should I edit my old one?


Sure! The two mis-spellings were "disassociative" and "Homo sapiens" which I had to look up myself! Homo is capped and sapiens not, and it is two words.

For the rewrite, please do it as a resubmission, with no review required. I'm glad you are going to do that, it really shows you care about your writing, and took the review to heart, which means a great deal to me personally. I look forward to seeing it.

I am so dependent on my spellchecker that I am almost paranoid writing these posts directly! So PLEASE ignore my own typos, mis-spellings, etc. in here! Hahaha.


Oh goody, then the spelling was only PARTIALLY my fault... (hee hee) now I can rag on a friend for spelling dissociative incorrectly twisted

Okay, I will get to the rewrite right away! Thanks so much!

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pingpong867
Mahayr
pingpong867
Mahayr: Might I ask what the misspellings were? I reread it several times, and I can't find anything. Could you help?

And to resubmit, should I just repost? Or should I edit my old one?


Sure! The two mis-spellings were "disassociative" and "Homo sapiens" which I had to look up myself! Homo is capped and sapiens not, and it is two words.

For the rewrite, please do it as a resubmission, with no review required. I'm glad you are going to do that, it really shows you care about your writing, and took the review to heart, which means a great deal to me personally. I look forward to seeing it.

I am so dependent on my spellchecker that I am almost paranoid writing these posts directly! So PLEASE ignore my own typos, mis-spellings, etc. in here! Hahaha.


Oh goody, then the spelling was only PARTIALLY my fault... (hee hee) now I can rag on a friend for spelling dissociative incorrectly twisted

Okay, I will get to the rewrite right away! Thanks so much!


I only had ONE misspelling. "Dissociative" is a word. "Disassociative" is not. Therefore, the only misspelled word was "Homo sapiens". Just wanted to tell you. I checked out several dictionaries on this matter, and my Word spellchecker says I'm right.

Just to inform you.
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