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It's good!		16.7%	[ 1 ]
It's okay.		16.7%	[ 1 ]
I hate it.		33.3%	[ 2 ]
I really don't have an opinion.		33.3%	[ 2 ]
Total Votes:	[ 6 ]

goldferris

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Post: 28243991_1 created on Wed, 13 Jun 2007 18:44:00 +0000
Posted: Wed, 13 Jun 2007 18:44:00 +0000

Here's a poem that I wrote a while back:

You

Yearning for your touch,
Only hunger can wait there
Underneath my skin.

----

This was for a contest where the poem had to be acrostic (where the first letter of each line spells out the title of the poem.) Although it wasn't in the contest rules, I also made it into a haiku.

It was published in a magazine as well...

What do you think? Every time I look at it, I have a different opinion.

All types of criticism wanted.

SuP2U2

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Post: 28243991_2 created on Wed, 13 Jun 2007 22:46:59 +0000
Posted: Wed, 13 Jun 2007 22:46:59 +0000

oh wow this is good ^^ and this is a realy great way 2 write a poem i never knew this way until u bring it up woot i vote this is a cool poem xp 4laugh rofl

Zurtok

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Post: 28243991_3 created on Wed, 13 Jun 2007 22:57:56 +0000
Posted: Wed, 13 Jun 2007 22:57:56 +0000

Definately interesting. For now it's okay, it seems to be the kind of piece that gets better as you read it more.

biggrin

goldferris

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Post: 28243991_4 created on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:00:40 +0000
Posted: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:00:40 +0000

SuP2U2

oh wow this is good ^^ and this is a realy great way 2 write a poem i never knew this way until u bring it up woot i vote this is a cool poem xp 4laugh rofl

Thanks! Acrostic is hard because it so often looks like you are just using words that fit the format and are not actually making it sound good.

----

Bad:

Apple

Always Red
Pleasing Shape
Peels and Stuff
Let's eat one!
Every time there's an apple.

----

Ugh, it felt icky just writing that. smile

Zurtok

Definately interesting. For now it's okay, it seems to be the kind of piece that gets better as you read it more.

icon_biggrin.gif

Yeah, it sort of went opposite for me. First time I read it over, I thought it was brilliant. Now I am not so sure. smile

Ivyana

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Post: 28243991_5 created on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:03:00 +0000
Posted: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:03:00 +0000

I'm not fond of the poem but I thank you for giving me a new form to work with.

goldferris

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Post: 28243991_6 created on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:06:06 +0000
Posted: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:06:06 +0000

Ivyana

I'm not fond of the poem but I thank you for giving me a new form to work with.

What do you not like about it, if I may ask?

Ivyana

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Post: 28243991_7 created on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:14:33 +0000
Posted: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:14:33 +0000

goldferris

Ivyana

I'm not fond of the poem but I thank you for giving me a new form to work with.

What do you not like about it, if I may ask?

There's not any imagery and too literal (show us your yearning, not tell us). Also, you misused the haiku form, it should only be use if you are talking about nature.

Old Aehlae

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Post: 28243991_8 created on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:16:15 +0000
Posted: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:16:15 +0000

Technically it is considered a senryu when it does not contain the subject of nature. Same syllable structure, but different subject matter. 3nodding

Poetess Laureate

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Post: 28243991_9 created on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:16:40 +0000
Posted: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:16:40 +0000

Ivyana

goldferris

Ivyana

I'm not fond of the poem but I thank you for giving me a new form to work with.

What do you not like about it, if I may ask?

There's not any imagery and too literal. Also, you misused the haiku form, they only should be use if you are talking about nature.

bzzt. That same syllabic structure is used for several other waka forms as well.

That said, the poem:

+ points for keeping each line 'intelligible' unto itself
+ points for not deviating from 5-7-5 or 3-5-3 format

- points for lack of concrete imagery; this is all abstract. give us something we can see/taste/touch/hear/smell.
- points for awkward second line 'only hunger can wait there'? Yeah that was kinda beat up a bit -- and only for the sake of fitting the right number of syllables. mehhh.

goldferris

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Post: 28243991_10 created on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:17:52 +0000
Posted: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:17:52 +0000

Ivyana

goldferris

Ivyana

I'm not fond of the poem but I thank you for giving me a new form to work with.

What do you not like about it, if I may ask?

There's not any imagery and too literal. Also, you misused the haiku form, it should only be use if you are talking about nature.

Yeah, it is a bit literal, true. It's sometimes hard to get a lot of imagery in only three lines. That's why the greats are so much better than me!

I disagree with your definition of haiku, and so does Webster's Dictionary:

Wesbter

haiku : an unrhymed verse form of Japanese origin having three lines containing usually five, seven, and five syllables respectively; also : a poem in this form usually having a seasonal reference -- compare TANKA

A haiku has to have the lines and syllables right, and it is only usually 'seasonal.' It doesn't have to be.

Ivyana

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Post: 28243991_11 created on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:18:44 +0000
Posted: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:18:44 +0000

Poetess Laureate

Ivyana

goldferris

Ivyana

I'm not fond of the poem but I thank you for giving me a new form to work with.

What do you not like about it, if I may ask?

There's not any imagery and too literal. Also, you misused the haiku form, they only should be use if you are talking about nature.

bzzt. That same syllabic structure is used for several other waka forms as well.

Oh yeah redface

goldferris

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Post: 28243991_12 created on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:19:45 +0000
Posted: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:19:45 +0000

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Ivyana

goldferris

Ivyana

I'm not fond of the poem but I thank you for giving me a new form to work with.

What do you not like about it, if I may ask?

There's not any imagery and too literal. Also, you misused the haiku form, they only should be use if you are talking about nature.

Very good points. I see where you're coming from with the second line. For me, it sort of comes out of nowhere, although I do like how it sounds with the third line.

Ivyana

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Post: 28243991_13 created on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:21:19 +0000
Posted: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:21:19 +0000

goldferris

Ivyana

goldferris

Ivyana

I'm not fond of the poem but I thank you for giving me a new form to work with.

What do you not like about it, if I may ask?

There's not any imagery and too literal. Also, you misused the haiku form, it should only be use if you are talking about nature.

Wesbter

A haiku has to have the lines and syllables right, and it is only usually 'seasonal.' It doesn't have to be.

The people who write dictionaries aren't poets so of course they will give a basic definition of poetic forms. Though I will concede on the only being used for nature.

Quote:

Haiku is a poetic form and a type of poetry from the Japanese culture. Haiku combines form, content, and language in a meaningful, yet compact form. Haiku poets, which you will soon be, write about everyday things. Many themes include nature, feelings, or experiences. Usually they use simple words and grammar. The most common form for Haiku is three short lines. The first line usually contains five (5) syllables, the second line seven (7) syllables, and the third line contains five (5) syllables. Haiku doesn't rhyme. A Haiku must "paint" a mental image in the reader's mind. This is the challenge of Haiku - to put the poem's meaning and imagery in the reader's mind in ONLY 17 syllables over just three (3) lines of poetry! Check out some Haiku at Haiku Salon (see Lesson 2 for the link).

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Post: 28243991_14 created on Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:26:00 +0000
Posted: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:26:00 +0000

Ugggggh the haiku/waka debate.

Short version:

YES haiku needs a kigo (seasonal indicator word) and nature imagery.
YES other labels for THAT EXACT STRUCTURE exist.

It's not a thinker. It's equivalent to calling a petrarchan sonnet a shakespearean. Are they both valid poetry? Definitely. Are they both sonnets? Yup. Are they the same? No.

Poor senryuu. And even poorer several other 5-7-5 syllabic forms.
crying

I think I feel strongly about this because notice who has 'decided' the form can be completely warped: a culture completely foreign to the one the form arose in. I get the whole "adapting it so it works for us" thing, but that's why we use syllables and don't worry about character count, yeah?

It's NOT why a senryuu or other form is suddenly haiku. The blanket term that CAN be applied to all styles in that form is "waka".

/rant, with apologies lol

because I can't resist

Abused senryuu
waka's red-headed stepchild
while haiku dances

(and anyone picking on the syllables in line 1 will be forced to a basic Japanese class. Yes those u's are separate syllables wink )

goldferris

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Post: 28243991_15 created on Fri, 15 Jun 2007 17:53:16 +0000
Posted: Fri, 15 Jun 2007 17:53:16 +0000

I'm bumping this. It went off the first page.

Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone had any other comments.

mrgreen

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