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Heaping Gobs of GOOOOOLD!		60.0%	[ 9 ]
C. F. (Philander)		0.0%	[ 0 ]
John McNealy		0.0%	[ 0 ]
Melisande		13.3%	[ 2 ]
Aseadien		13.3%	[ 2 ]
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Other, please specify in a comment!		6.7%	[ 1 ]
Total Votes:	[ 15 ]

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Djen

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Post: 8755054_1 created on Tue, 05 Jul 2005 06:42:36 +0000
Posted: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 06:42:36 +0000

autumn_sigh

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Post: 8755054_2 created on Tue, 05 Jul 2005 14:50:07 +0000
Posted: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 14:50:07 +0000

its a little confusing but i like it.^^ very interesting names too...

Djen

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Post: 8755054_3 created on Tue, 05 Jul 2005 17:16:20 +0000
Posted: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 17:16:20 +0000

ayame_tsubasa

its a little confusing but i like it.^^ very interesting names too...

I'd like to improve it. Which parts/things confused you?

Hawthorne

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Post: 8755054_4 created on Wed, 06 Jul 2005 02:00:52 +0000
Posted: Wed, 06 Jul 2005 02:00:52 +0000

The use of the present tense gives the first chapter a strangely dreamlike quality. It flows by as if it is being read from another mind, but that's not always a bad thing. I've read books (The Fall of Hyperion, for example) where this works extremely well.

I don't really like how the Gaia quote function looks with the letter, but I guess that's unavoidable, Philander is reading it, after all, and it is a letter and offseting it makes sense.

It runs a lot like a movie. It reads aloud really well.

I especially liked the bit about the dead riding cargo class.

And limelight.

Hawthorne

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Post: 8755054_5 created on Wed, 06 Jul 2005 16:25:46 +0000
Posted: Wed, 06 Jul 2005 16:25:46 +0000

Limelight.

Kitten P.A.

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Post: 8755054_6 created on Wed, 06 Jul 2005 22:03:31 +0000
Posted: Wed, 06 Jul 2005 22:03:31 +0000

*pokes Hawthorne who directed her here*

Nice...very nice. I like.

*isn't quite awake enough to write an actual critique but likes it nonetheless*

Djen

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Post: 8755054_7 created on Thu, 07 Jul 2005 03:32:49 +0000
Posted: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 03:32:49 +0000

Hawthorne

Uggg... I wasn't quite expecting the blockquote to work like thqt either. I was thinking HTML.

I'm also considering adding more exposition, making it longer. Maybe it dumps too much on the reader and explains too little...

I also need to channel Hawthorne for making character seem romantic.

And I'm not sure the insanity comes through... I think I was too caught up in the first scene of a movie and I have to reconceptualize it as the first scene of a book.

autumn_sigh

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Post: 8755054_8 created on Thu, 07 Jul 2005 14:09:37 +0000
Posted: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 14:09:37 +0000

i take it back. now that i've had more than 10 hours of sleep in two days it makes perfect sense whee

Hawthorne

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Post: 8755054_9 created on Thu, 07 Jul 2005 21:49:46 +0000
Posted: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 21:49:46 +0000

ayame_tsubasa

i take it back. now that i've had more than 10 hours of sleep in two days it makes perfect sense whee

A little bit of sleep does go a long way for making sense of the unlikely, as is going to be extremely common where faerie magic is involved.

Djen

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Post: 8755054_10 created on Thu, 07 Jul 2005 23:21:53 +0000
Posted: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 23:21:53 +0000

ayame_tsubasa

i take it back. now that i've had more than 10 hours of sleep in two days it makes perfect sense whee

I'm still not entirely certain it makes perfect sense.

Oh well.

Hawthorne

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Post: 8755054_11 created on Fri, 08 Jul 2005 08:03:45 +0000
Posted: Fri, 08 Jul 2005 08:03:45 +0000

Djen

ayame_tsubasa

i take it back. now that i've had more than 10 hours of sleep in two days it makes perfect sense whee

I'm still not entirely certain it makes perfect sense.

Oh well.

I think really what needs to happen is the story needs to continue ...

Inquiring minds would like to know, just as Captain O'Canan asks: "How did it come to this?"

Djen

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Post: 8755054_12 created on Fri, 08 Jul 2005 17:54:48 +0000
Posted: Fri, 08 Jul 2005 17:54:48 +0000

Hawthorne

Djen

ayame_tsubasa

i take it back. now that i've had more than 10 hours of sleep in two days it makes perfect sense whee

I'm still not entirely certain it makes perfect sense.

Oh well.

I think really what needs to happen is the story needs to continue ...

Inquiring minds would like to know, just as Captain O'Canan asks: "How did it come to this?"

Chapter 1 will be posted by Friday, July 15.

Hawthorne

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Post: 8755054_13 created on Fri, 08 Jul 2005 22:26:59 +0000
Posted: Fri, 08 Jul 2005 22:26:59 +0000

Djen

Chapter 1 will be posted by Friday, July 15.

Heh, I didn't quite expect An actual date on that, but it's good to know!

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Post: 8755054_14 created on Sat, 09 Jul 2005 05:52:43 +0000
Posted: Sat, 09 Jul 2005 05:52:43 +0000

Hawthorne

Djen

Chapter 1 will be posted by Friday, July 15.

Heh, I didn't quite expect An actual date on that, but it's good to know!

Maybe I'll revise the first part before I go on... what do you think?

Hawthorne

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Post: 8755054_15 created on Sat, 09 Jul 2005 08:52:15 +0000
Posted: Sat, 09 Jul 2005 08:52:15 +0000

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