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Total Votes:[ 15 ]
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its a little confusing but i like it.^^ very interesting names too...
ayame_tsubasa
its a little confusing but i like it.^^ very interesting names too...


I'd like to improve it. Which parts/things confused you?

Eloquent Phantom

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The use of the present tense gives the first chapter a strangely dreamlike quality. It flows by as if it is being read from another mind, but that's not always a bad thing. I've read books (The Fall of Hyperion, for example) where this works extremely well.

I don't really like how the Gaia quote function looks with the letter, but I guess that's unavoidable, Philander is reading it, after all, and it is a letter and offseting it makes sense.

It runs a lot like a movie. It reads aloud really well.

I especially liked the bit about the dead riding cargo class.

And limelight.

Eloquent Phantom

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Limelight.
*pokes Hawthorne who directed her here*

Nice...very nice. I like.

*isn't quite awake enough to write an actual critique but likes it nonetheless*
Hawthorne
The use of the present tense gives the first chapter a strangely dreamlike quality. It flows by as if it is being read from another mind, but that's not always a bad thing. I've read books (The Fall of Hyperion, for example) where this works extremely well.

I don't really like how the Gaia quote function looks with the letter, but I guess that's unavoidable, Philander is reading it, after all, and it is a letter and offseting it makes sense.

It runs a lot like a movie. It reads aloud really well.

I especially liked the bit about the dead riding cargo class.

And limelight.


Uggg... I wasn't quite expecting the blockquote to work like thqt either. I was thinking HTML.

I'm also considering adding more exposition, making it longer. Maybe it dumps too much on the reader and explains too little...

I also need to channel Hawthorne for making character seem romantic.

And I'm not sure the insanity comes through... I think I was too caught up in the first scene of a movie and I have to reconceptualize it as the first scene of a book.
i take it back. now that i've had more than 10 hours of sleep in two days it makes perfect sense whee

Eloquent Phantom

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ayame_tsubasa
i take it back. now that i've had more than 10 hours of sleep in two days it makes perfect sense whee

A little bit of sleep does go a long way for making sense of the unlikely, as is going to be extremely common where faerie magic is involved.
ayame_tsubasa
i take it back. now that i've had more than 10 hours of sleep in two days it makes perfect sense whee


I'm still not entirely certain it makes perfect sense.

Oh well.

Eloquent Phantom

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Djen
ayame_tsubasa
i take it back. now that i've had more than 10 hours of sleep in two days it makes perfect sense whee


I'm still not entirely certain it makes perfect sense.

Oh well.

I think really what needs to happen is the story needs to continue ...

Inquiring minds would like to know, just as Captain O'Canan asks: "How did it come to this?"
Hawthorne
Djen
ayame_tsubasa
i take it back. now that i've had more than 10 hours of sleep in two days it makes perfect sense whee


I'm still not entirely certain it makes perfect sense.

Oh well.

I think really what needs to happen is the story needs to continue ...

Inquiring minds would like to know, just as Captain O'Canan asks: "How did it come to this?"


Chapter 1 will be posted by Friday, July 15.

Eloquent Phantom

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Djen
Chapter 1 will be posted by Friday, July 15.

Heh, I didn't quite expect An actual date on that, but it's good to know!
Hawthorne
Djen
Chapter 1 will be posted by Friday, July 15.

Heh, I didn't quite expect An actual date on that, but it's good to know!


Maybe I'll revise the first part before I go on... what do you think?

Eloquent Phantom

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