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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Tue Apr 02, 2024 5:06 pm
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Indeed he had changed, Jakob had been through far too much to stay that same desperate fool back in his hotel room. Getting sliced by Cornelius had only shown him how and pathetic he actually was. He was no assassin, he had no business being involved with the American mafia. Coming home was hard, but it gave him the chance to start over. No more sneaking around, taking foolish risks, making his way off the literal blood of others. No, he was done with all of that, and he had no intentions of going back to such a life.
As he sat across from Kieran he couldn't help being frightened. He had to wonder what happened to him. Surely this wasn't the result of just his leaving. When Jakob spoke, he was a little harsh with his accusations. He watched Kieran shift and leaned on table, his eyes glancing back and forth between himself and Abel. Biting his lower lip, he had to stop himself from agreeing. Already it was feeling like a waste of time. "I'm not doing anything with him now that I didn't do before." he replied, neither confirming or denying being involved in some way with Abel. Jakob looked towards Kieran, meeting his gaze, trying to see if the person he loved was still somewhere in there.
"I looked for you...I tried to at least. But then some stuff happened, and I-I couldn't." Jakob recalled those first few frantic days when Kieran had left. He was so heartbroken and desperate, he didn't understand anything. Reaching down, his fingers grazed over the scar. Kieran didn't know about how he'd wandered through the city cut open and bleeding. He didn't know that it was Abel who put him back together and took care of him for weeks. If he had grown fonder of Abel in that time it wasn't because he wanted to spite Kieran. It just happened, like every other time that he was with him. The love he felt for Abel was a special one, but he knew it would never be anything more than what they had now for one another.
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Tue Apr 02, 2024 6:22 pm
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Tue Apr 02, 2024 8:32 pm
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Despite the heated conversation he was glad that Abel was still there. If anything he was an excellent witness to take notes and point out where he was going wrong in all of this. From his own viewpoint it seemed like nothing he said or did made Kieran want to forgive him. Perhaps they had waited too long for this conversation to happen. Kieran seemed beyond and wanting anything to do with him. Maybe he was right and he should just choose Abel. If only it were that simple. With each angry word it felt like a knife to the heart and Jakob was nearing his breaking point.
Hot tears spilled down his cheeks as he again tried to apologize. Crying wasn't going to get him anywhere, but he couldn't stop himself. He listened as Kieran spoke, blaming him for their inevitable end. Jakob bit his lower lip to keep himself from crying even harder, sniffling softly as he aimed his gaze away from both Kieran and Abel. Opening his mouth, he tried to speak but not words came out. His throat was too tight and it felt like the whole world was watching their display. Swallowing, he tried again.
"I didn't want you to die." he croaked. Wiping his eye with the heel of his hand, Jakob sniffled again. "I didn't want any of us to die...I thought...I wanted to protec...t-to p-protect you..." Jakob wanted to go on, but found himself too emotional. His tears fell in big angry blobs and into his lap. His shoulders shook and it was all he could do to hold back his voice. He sat in the booth a few minutes weeping until he was able to speak.
"This isn't working." he said, switching languages and talking only to Abel. "It doesn't matter that I still love him. Because he doesn't love me." He looked to Kieran again, feeling like he had already lost him. They were just going to keep talking in circles until someone got annoyed, and that someone would probably be Kieran.
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Sat Apr 06, 2024 6:52 pm
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Sitting there beside himself, he was only becoming more upset with their conversation. It seemed there was a lot more hurt and miscommunication from both sides than he recalled. Despite his best efforts to defend himself, Jakob felt like he was only making Kieran even more angry. And in the process he was also making himself even more upset. Switching languages, Jakob turned his attention to Abel, already waving the white flag, in what seemed like his obvious defeat.
Tears continued to stream down his face as he looked towards Kieran. He sniffled and reached for a napkin from the center of the table to wipe his nose. So far the man had said nothing in response to his previous words, and he worried that this was it. Though it was kind of fitting it was. Left again, one last time, at a bistro in his home town no less. Before Jakob could allow his mind to wander off too far with that thought, Abel interjected with questions of his own.
His cheeks darkened and his eyes welled with renewed emotion. Jakob knew that Abel was right. He hadn't asked him. He blinked the tears away and took a shaky breath. "Because," he said switching back to English. "It's easier to believe that he doesn't care when all he does is fume and growl. The Kieran I know and love, he never raised a hand to me." His answer was simple, but honest nonetheless. Jakob could have easily gone on about how Kieran also would not have left him by himself or let this conversation go unspoken for so long. But what would have been the point. He felt like all they knew how to do was fight and hurt one another. He yearned for the days when Kieran would just come back and hold him, whispering words of love and understanding as they tried their best to overcome whatever it was they were fighting about that week.
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Sat Apr 06, 2024 9:31 pm
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Sat Apr 06, 2024 11:07 pm
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No matter what he said or did, it didn't seem like this was going to end well. Jakob didn't know what else he could do at this point. He had apologized and thought he was making it clear that he still cared about Kieran. It was not his original intention to reveal what had happened after Kieran left, but in an act of desperation he wanted to show just how stupid he had been. Jakob stood there revealing his scarred side. He was unable to read Kieran's expression other than the obvious shock. Jakob wasn't proud of what he did, if anything he was ashamed of himself for thinking he could handle such a job all on his own. Covering himself once more, Jakob sat back down. He was a little embarrassed by causing such a scene, but he didn't know what else to do.
Sitting there he hugged his arms to his abdomen in order to calm himself. Jakob raised his eyes to Kieran. He didn't know what else he could say. "I'm sorry." he said, apologizing once more. "I thought I was strong enough to do it all on my own...I was wrong, and stupid, and selfish." Jakob paused another moment, swallowing hard. "I've missed you so much and I don't know what I can do to convince you to be with me again. I messed up, I know that, and I just...It was never my intention to make you feel unwanted or unloved or anything else like that...I'm sorry." Sucking in his bottom lip Jakob turned his gaze to his lap. He could only hope that his words reached Kieran as he meant each and every one of them. He was tired of being single and alone. He wanted to be held by him and never let go.
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2024 1:12 am
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Realistically, he didn't know how things would work between them. Even if Kieran did forgive him, their lives were completely changed as compared to before. Getting another visa together would be hard, not only that it would take time and money that he didn't have. While his savings weren't completely dried up from his former life, he didn't need to go wasting it all on plane trips and cab rides. The same went for Kieran. He couldn't imagine him dropping everything to come to Germany. And unlike Abel, he wasn't sure how much of the language he knew. It would be harder for him if he wasn't fluent. They had been so stupid in everything and there was no taking it back. All they could do was try to forgive and move forward.
With one more heart wrenched apology given, Jakob was a little surprised with himself as well. While he had talked about breaking up with Kieran for good, deep down he still yearned for him. He missed him. He missed the smell of his cologne, the way he used to hold him every night before they went to sleep, the meals they would share, and the places they would go. Kieran was always so sweet and loving, he hated what this fight had done to him. And what was worse is that it was all Jakob's fault. The three of them sat silently for a moment or two, it was Kieran who break it. His question was to be expected. Jakob glanced towards Abel, swallowing once more. "Abel knows that I like him, and I think he might like me." he said, honestly. He turned his gaze back to Kieran as he watched him closely. "But he's made it clear that we will never date. In fact, until late last night, I didn't even know Abel was in Germany. I haven't seen him since the day I flew home." Jakob didn't know how else to describe what he had with Abel. He wasn't his lover, his boyfriend. If anything, he was a confidant that he occasionally slept with whenever he was upset and things were on the brink of doom with Kieran.
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2024 2:34 am
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By all accounts he should want nothing to do with Kieran. The man was a repeated flight risk, prone to shutting him out, and slightly unhinged when provoked. But when thinking about all the times they shared together, it was easy to look past those instances. Kieran had been a better boyfriend than any man he'd ever been with. He regretted his choices and hurting him so much so that he felt no other choice than to leave him. He couldn't imagine the pain that Kieran felt these last two years and he wanted nothing more than to make it up to him.
As Kieran continued to interrogate him, Jakob answered him honestly. He too did not know the extent of Abel's feelings, though he had his suspicions. Nobody just dropped everything, traveled eight hours out of their way, and showed up out of the blue on a whim. As Jakob spoke, he knew that the man was not pleased by his words. If anything, he was sure that Kieran regretted the question altogether. Watching him nod his head, he was then questioned again. Beside him, Abel shifted and he was curious to know what he was thinking. "No...yes." he replied. Sighing, Jakob looked between the two, his heart aching for them both. "Two and a half years ago, you said I could be with him so long as you always first in my heart. That's never changed, and it still hasn't. Could you live with it if I kept these feelings for him?"
Jakob couldn't help wanting to ask that question. It was something he often thought about. It was one thing for Kieran to say he could stand it, but another altogether if he was just going to get angry any time he was with Abel. He knew it was greedy for him to want both men. But he couldn't change his own heart. Somehow in the years that he had grown to know them both he had come to love them both in his own way. It wasn't easy and it wasn't fair, but he didn't know how to stop himself from feeling this way.
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