Question about friends and marriages.

[supersaiyanneo]

Hello everyone,

I've been married for just over 5 years now and am curious if this is normal. Now note, that I hate being the jealous wife and I never wanted to be this way, though some questionable things have made me a tad worrisome.

My husband recently started going to college and he hasent really had any friends since before he met me. I knew inevitably that he will probally make some friends and I was ok with that, even if they were girl friends. So my husband makes friends with a girl at school and my husband began hanging out with her almost every night till very late and started drinking at her house, alone together. The next night I found a recipt for condoms in his wallet, though the recipt does not match his visa or dept numbers. I told him I wasn't ok with this and he agreed and said he would never drink or be alone at her house again.

I told him that for the two of them to continue hanging out I needed to meet her because I was feeling terribly uneasy. So we go to watch movies at her house with another one of my husbands friends. This certain friend my husband brang over, the girl had a huge thing for. She was pretty much trying to have sex with him on the couch, but he tried to not touch her because he didn't feel that way for her. This was very weird to watch, I've never seen someone throw themselves at someone else like that before.

After this incident my husband began coming home with all sorts of tales of "She said he said this" kind of thing and the fact that she lies about so many things is making me uneasy still. I don't trust 100% of what she says now. So everything my husband tells me she says or does I take with a grain of salt.

Now, at their school there is this really creepy guy, who she said she was super scared of because of how creepy he is. Yet she invites him to go see a movie with everyone and continues to talk to him all the while telling my husband she doesn't want anything to do with him. A few days ago he(the creepy guy) went to sleep over at her house, my husband questioned this and asked her about it. She said that he forced it on her.

Now I've told my husband I am very uncomfortable with him hanging out with this girl, esepcially alone together. Last night he comes to me and says he really wants to keep hanging out with this girl, we had a very long discussion about it and I told him that it would be ok if they hung out in public and not past 11. Today he comes to me saying he has to hang out with her at her house on friday. (The car will be in the shop that day.) And he says he doesn't want to waste his time at the mall and be bored there. It's like he keeps trying to push me to get me to let him do whatever he wants. His whole way of acting ever since he met this girl has been a bit strange too. I'm very worried, everyone else I know tells me I don't have to worry. But I don't know. I feel like I should be. If anyone could offer their advice I would greatly appreciate it.

~Super Saiyan Neo  

[vanilla_bean_frappichino]

Hanging around people like her can bring someone down. And that is no bueno for a marriage. Honestly, he needs better judgement, talk to him about his judgement. No good comes of being around a someone who lies. And people are better off having good quality friends. What is his motivation to be around this woman? I would not put up with it, but talk to him about his judgement. It is ok to tell him he is no longer allowed to see her at all. You are married, and sharing life together. One of my friends went through a similar thing, and the relationship got better when he stopped talking to her (The girl threw herself at him). And he agreed and never spoke to her again and changed his number, even though he had talked to her for several years. Ask him if he knew what he was doing when he said his vows. Marriage is not the time to be around women like that. Marriage is when you are honorable and above board, and even if he is, this woman does not sound like she is.  

[supersaiyanneo]

Well, I confronted him about it and he did it, he cheated on me with this woman.

I don't know what to do. He said that night he was drunk was when it happend. He doesn't remember all of it but all he thinks happend was that she touched his *ahem* As soon as he realised what happend he got out of the house and went on a long walk.

I'm...at a loss for words here. I'm sorry.  

[vanilla_bean_frappichino]

Sweetie, I am really sorry. Do not put up with this man's bologne though. You really do not deserve that. He needs more principals. When we marry, our lives belong to both ourselves and to our spouse, we may be our own person, but to me, we have lost the right to go out and get drunk and party with opposite sex. Honestly, do not let him off the hook. Be firm and rough, marriage is serious so seriously make changes. Go to church, or somewhere that encourages morals in a group and reinforces them. Find new activities together. But if he continues, do not hesitate to talk to him seriouly about leaving. Marriage is serious, it effects family and children. Tell him this is not some silly little dating game, and if he cheats with crass women he has no values, and you love him but will not put up with it.  

[supersaiyanneo]

Yeah, we had quite a long talk. It seems though that the two did not have sex or kissed luckily. (I talked to both parties) But I defanlty laid down some rules which he intends to follow. If he ever does anything like this again though, it will be the end of our marriage. Thank you for your help, I really do appreciate the feedback. heart  

[vanilla_bean_frappichino]

Your welcome smile Honestly, before marriage he should have known that he would have to change his life around, and could not be a traditional college student. He should have realized the life sacrifice he would make as a husband, and he deserves a divorce if he does it again.  

[supersaiyanneo]

Well, he knows that if he ever screws up that big again its the last he will see of me. It's now been a couple months since this happend and ive had my up and down moments. I still think about it and wonder what the hell he was thinking. But for the most part im trying to keep the mindset that it won't happen again, and thats the last time my husband will ever be a idiot again. I really want to give him this chance because I love him so much. But anyway, thanks again for the support.