|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 9:19 pm
Gaian Name: Infomaniac Girl
Character Full Name: Tattin (gets confused when asked for a last name.)
Age: Seems to be about five or six.
Gender: Seemingly female.
Race: Unknown alien.
Appearance: Tattin is a tiny thing, only about 3' tall. Soft, pastel green hair curls around a pale blue face, her wide, yellow eyes full of curiosity, though missing pupils. She wears a pink jacket that hangs baggily on her small frame, and a loose denim skirt, though her feet are bare. Two dark green antennae poke out from her hair, tipped with little balls, which move as though sensing things about her quite frequently. She’s a slightly chubby little thing due to her youthful age, her face round and her nose only just a button.
Personality: Despite being stranded on a strange planet with no idea how she got there and barely any memories of where she came from, Tattin is a surprisingly happy little thing, easy to please with a little love and care. She loves to give hugs and cuddle, though when questioned about her past she’ll suddenly go quiet, a blank, distant look coming over her face until something snaps her out of it.
Weapons: When threatened, Tattin has a limited ability to project force fields and use telekinesis, but otherwise come on, she’s just a wee thing.
Skills: Able to project a fairly strong force field that will repel most anything for a bubble of about six feet around herself, for approximately ten minutes with heavy concentration. Tattin also can move up to around 200 pounds with her mind, from a distance of thirty feet, though after doing either of these she’s quite exhausted. She rarely feels threatened enough to use these powers as well, so it is possible that she has more powers she just hasn’t mentioned.
Background: Those who know of aliens and have found ways to study them more extensively would recognize Tattin to be from the planet Mi'Pohimok, a small planet near the sun of a galaxy near to the Milky Way. Her family is a mystery, as is the reason she’s on Earth; most Mi’Pohimokan citizens keep to themselves, disliking to get involved with other planets. She was taken by the government soon after her appearance on Earth in the city of New York, though how she escaped is a mystery. Since then she’s been wandering at night, when she seems to feel most comfortable.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 4:18 pm
The original one along with your mistakesInfomaniac Girl Gaian Name: Infomaniac Girl Character Full Name: Tattin (gets confused when asked for a last name.) Age: Seems to be about five or six. Gender: Seemingly female. Race: Unknown alien. Appearance: Tattin is a tiny thing, only about 3' tall. Soft, pastel green hair curls around a pale blue face, her wide, yellow eyes full of curiosity, though missing pupils. She wears a pink jacket that hangs baggily on her small frame, and a loose denim skirt, though her feet are bare. Two dark green antennae poke out from her hair, tipped with little balls, which move as though sensing things about her quite frequently. She’s a slightly chubby little thing due to her youthful age, her face round and her nose only just a button. Personality: Despite being stranded on a strange planet with no idea how she got there and barely any memories of where she came from, Tattin is a surprisingly happy little thing, easy to please with a little love and care. She loves to give hugs and cuddle, though when questioned about her past she’ll suddenly go quiet, a blank, distant look coming over her face until something snaps her out of it. Weapons: When threatened, Tattin has a limited ability to project force fields and use telekinesis, but otherwise come on, she’s just a wee thing. Skills: Able to project a fairly strong force field that will repel most anything for a bubble of about six feet around herself, for approximately ten minutes with heavy concentration. Tattin also can move up to around 200 pounds with her mind, from a distance of thirty feet, though after doing either of these she’s quite exhausted. She rarely feels threatened enough to use these powers as well, so it is possible that she has more powers she just hasn’t mentioned. Background: Those who know of aliens and have found ways to study them more extensively would recognize Tattin to be from the planet Mi'Pohimok, a small planet near the sun of a galaxy near to the Milky Way. Her family is a mystery, as is the reason she’s on Earth; most Mi’Pohimokan citizens keep to themselves, disliking to get involved with other planets. She was taken by the government soon after her appearance on Earth in the city of New York, though how she escaped is a mystery. Since then she’s been wandering at night, when she seems to feel most comfortable. Infomaniac Girl Gaian Name: Infomaniac Girl Character Full Name: Tattin (gets confused when asked for a last name.) Age: Seems to be about five or six. Gender: Seemingly female. Race: Unknown alien. Appearance: Tattin is a tiny thing, only about 3' tall. Soft, pastel green hair curls around a pale blue face . Her wide, yellow eyes full of curiosity, though missing pupils. She wears a pink jacket that hangs baggily on her small frame, and a loose denim skirt, though and her feet are bare. Two dark green antennae s poke out from her hair, tipped with little balls , which move as though sensing things about her quite frequently. She’s a slightly chubby little thing due to her youthful age, her face is round and her nose only just a button. Personality: Despite being stranded on a strange planet with no idea how she got there and barely any memories of where she came from, Tattin is a surprisingly surprisingly a happy little thing , that's easy to please with a little love and care. She loves to give hugs and cuddle s, though when questioned about her past she’ll suddenly go quiet , with a blank, distant look coming over her face until something snaps her out of it. Weapons: When threatened, Tattin has a limited ability to project force fields and use telekinesis, but otherwise come on, she’s just a wee thing. Skills: Able to project a fairly strong force field that will repel most anything for things in a bubble of about six feet around herself, for approximately ten minutes with heavy concentration. Tattin also can move up to around 200 pounds with her mind, from a distance of thirty feet, though after doing either of these she’s quite exhausted. She rarely feels threatened enough to use these powers as well, so it is possible that she has more powers she just hasn’t mentioned discovered. Background: Those who know of aliens and have found ways to study them more extensively would recognize Tattin to be from the planet Mi'Pohimok, a small planet near the sun of a galaxy near to the Milky Way. Her family is a mystery, as is the reason she’s on Earth; most Mi’Pohimokan citizens keep themselves to themselves, disliking to get involved with other planets. She was taken by the government soon after her appearance on Earth in the city of New York, though how she escaped is a mystery. Since then she’s been wandering at night, when she seems to feel most comfortable. this is my first character critiques, and I really did my best, I like the idea of your character, it was descriptive enough for me to see it in my mind, and I have no idea how you came up with Tattins planet name, but it's funny to read. Mainly, your mistakes were connecting between sentences and plain spelling, but that's something you can improve with a little hard work, so work on your mistakes, and next time I hope you can do a little bit better with my tips whee
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:12 pm
Actually Manafai, there is no such word as "antennaes". Singular is "antenna", plural is either "antennae" or "antennas". dictionary
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 12:33 am
Infomaniac Girl b]Gaian Name: Infomaniac Girl Character Full Name: Tattin (gets confused when asked for a last name.) Age: Seems to be about five or six. Gender: Seemingly female. Race: Unknown alien. Appearance: Tattin is a tiny thing, only about 3' tall. Soft, pastel green hair curls around a pale blue face. Her wide, yellow eyes are full of curiosity, though missing pupils. She wears a pink jacket that hangs baggily on her small frame, as well as a loose denim skirt, though her feet are bare. Two dark green antennae poke out from her hair, tipped with little balls that move quite frequently, as though sensing things about her. She’s slightly chubby due to her youthful age; her face is round, and her nose is just a button. Personality: Despite being stranded on a strange planet with no idea how she got there and barely any memories of where she came from, Tattin is a surprisingly happy little thing, easy to please with a little love and care. She loves to give hugs and cuddle, though when questioned about her past she’ll suddenly go quiet. A blank, distant look comes over her face until something snaps her out of it. Weapons: When threatened, Tattin has a limited ability to project force fields and use telekinesis, but otherwise, she’s just a wee thing. Skills: She is able to project a fairly strong force field that will repel most anything. This bubble is about six feet around herself and lasts approximately ten minutes with heavy concentration. Tattin can also move up to 200 pounds with her mind from a distance of thirty feet, though after doing either of these, she becomes quite exhausted. She rarely feels threatened enough to use these powers, so it is possible that she has more powers she just hasn’t mentioned. Background: Those who know of aliens and have found ways to study them more extensively would recognize Tattin to be from the planet Mi'Pohimok, a small planet near the sun of a galaxy near to the Milky Way. Her family is a mystery, as is the reason she’s on Earth; most Mi’Pohimokan citizens keep to themselves, disliking to get involved with other planets. She was taken by the government soon after her appearance on Earth in the city of New York, though how she escaped is a mystery. Since then she’s been wandering at night, when she seems to feel most comfortable. This is my interpretation, grammar-wise. You are quite eloquent and descriptive, but you have a tendency to form run-on sentences. Try breaking things up a bit and mixing up sentence structures. Aside from that, you have a very good style. I tried to keep my revision as close as possible to your style, but I did have to shift a few things around. You may wish to look at the first sentence under "personality"; I couldn't figure out a way to rearrange the words without changing the meaning. Aside from style and grammar, there are a few more things I'd change. I marked them all in red. I don't suspect you've done so, but some people like to use "My character has amnesia" or "My character's past is a mystery" as a cop-out. If you go back and fill out the circumstances of her past, you'll give great depth to your character and make her seem more human (or Mi'Pohimokan, if you prefer). It can only help, and you can always go back and indicate what isn't officially known later. I'm afraid I'll have to insist you flesh out the powers, too--you don't want to give your GM any nasty surprises. Overall, great work. I can tell that this character--and you as a writer--have very good potential.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 9:57 am
Thanks for the help! <3 I'll work on her a bit more, and use your suggestions.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
