Welcome to Gaia! ::

HAHA I still post it even though I know I''m gonna get flammed bad for it. BUt it''s an oulet for what I''m feeling at the moment the only outlet. You see no one on Gaia knows me in real life so hell why not thell this to a complete stranger?
That''s why ppl can confess to so many things on Gaia b/c they need to let it out and these ppl don''t know them. An d there fore their opinoins don''t matter.

Well heres my problem...


I''m officially tired of this it''s too much for me. I want people to leave me alone. I just remembered that one night it was so bad for me I couldn''t take the noises and the voices and darkness. I hummed and hummed to over power them. But I couldn''t then mom came in and started talking to me and then she noticed I was up set, she tried to be funny and started to tickle me and jump on the bed, but I wanted to be alone so much I slapped her and hit her I had to get her away. She jumped off of me and her expression changed even in the darkness I could feel it. She began to cry. Why do you do this to me? What have I ever done to you? Why? WHY? And she left the room crying. I felt soooo bad that night. It was hard for me to bare. I had to do some thing. THEY(the voices) were still there and my mother was crying. There was too much darkness so many things were going on I snapped. I cried and cried and bled and screamed silently inside. I felt like a horrible creature. A thing that no one wanted. I wanted to die in that momment but I couldn''t. Sumthing stopped me maybe it was the irrational state of mind or the voices. BUt I droped the blades and looked down at my arms and legs. Bleeding they were. I jumped in the shower and rinsed off all the blood. I bandaged myself and wrapped myself in towels it''s all so vivid in my mind. That night I did not sleep a wink I huddled in the corner yelling at myself telling myself how stupid I had been. IN the morning the cuts were drying and my head was aching. I spent all the next day in my room. Alone and quiet. Humming to myself for THEY were still in my head. I couldn''t cry anymore. But I didn''t sleep that night either. It was a horrible two nights. The next day I left my room I was hungry and tired. I saw things and felt dizzy constantly. I slept through the day and woke up the next morning. It had been three days since I had talked to my mom. And I put a smile on my face and left the room all that day went normal. I slept that night. The rest of the week was normal. At least for me. I wish things were diffrent and that I would be able to let go of the past. But things havent gotten bettter but I have learned to hide it a lot more. Things outside look good But somtimes things get a hold of me. THEY don''t come around as often as they used to, but when they do there is no stopping them. What''s wrong with me?

Sounds like it's time to check into the hospital. You're hurting yourself and others, so it's time to get some treatment. I know you were seeking treatment before, and I'm not sure if you've been to the hospital yet to be examined for illness and possibly treated with anti-psychotics, but it's time to head the emergency room now before things get a lot worse because they're sure not going to get better on their own! I hope you feel better soon!

P.S. I added "Triggering" to your post's title so that the people in our Guild who are avoiding descriptive cutting posts can be forewarned.

No. You're hurting yourself and others. If you are not ill, then you are a criminal and should turn yourself into the police. But I think there is something wrong, and you have to go to the hospital. Anything you say after this without calling 911 or going straight to the emergency room is just an excuse.

I don''t understand why it''s criminal activity, but I do think you should listen to Alex, Vianette. You sound like you do need some help.

I doubt you want to continue living this way, and it''s not a matter of strength trying to overcome it yourself, because you are obviously not overcoming it, you''re just ignoring it (which may not be so easy for those around you, like your mother). The stronger thing to do would be to admit you need help and go and get some.

Let me tell you, my previous roommate, who has depression and anxiety, tried for years to deal with his anxiety on his own. His way of "dealing" was to tear up his belongings and throw things around, and mess up his own artwork. He was ashamed of doing this afterwards, and it also scared me and our other roommate (hearing things being smashed up in the middle of the night is a rather frightening thing). When he got really bad, he stayed in his room for three days straight, only coming out to go to the bathroom and throw up. He broke down crying uncontrollably right in front of me one night, and I had no idea what to do. After some confrontation from myself and some of our other friends he finally decided it was time to get some help, and he has been doing quite a lot better since then.

I hope you can follow the same example.

There are multiple types of hospitals. Ive been to a mental hospital before, and it's not that bad. And no matter how bad it could be, I don't think hallucinating and hearing voices could be any better.

I want you to get help, and I want you to get it soon. You'll just be hurting youiself if you don't, and no one wants that.

Please do it for me, and for yourself.

I'm really glad you're going to talk to a counsellor!

I don't think you're a criminal. That's why my post said that if you're not ill, you would be a criminal, but if you are ill you need to go to the hospital if you're harming yourself or others. Does that make more sense? Even if it happened a month ago, it's still a big deal to be physically injuring yourself or others. If you suffered a broken leg a month ago, wouldn't you go to the hospital? Isn't an abusive husband still wrong if he beat his wife a month ago? If you had a heart attack a month ago but managed to survive, wouldn't you still go in to get your heart checked out?

Like I said, it's great that you're going to talk to a counsellor. But the emergency room of the hospital is for anyone who is in danger of injury or grave illness. And when you're physically harming yourself or others, you need to go to the emergency room because yourself and others are in danger of injury! Be ready to call 911 if such a dangerous thing happens!



I'm sorry my post was so confusing. She said that she didn't think she was ill, and I was simply saying that if a person WASN'T ill and they were injuring others and attempting suicide, they would be engaging in criminal activity since both assault and attempting suicide are criminal offences to those who are not ill. I don't actually think that she is a criminal, because I think there is an illness behind this.

Okay so I didn't go to the counslers yet. I'm trying to decide if I should b/c well nuthing has happened for awhile and like my mom and I fight but I mean we dont do anything physicaly. Should I turn myself in or let go of the past?

There are a lot of things that could have caused thoughs symtomes but it is best to let a perfetional know so you can plan for problems that you may incounter in the future. Also if something like that does happen again it would help to have some people close to you know what is going on.