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I've been having a lot of Writer's Block. A lot of people would disagree with me, saying that I'm wallowing in self pity, or I need happy pills or something. I hate my work. I can barely write down anything intended for a story without hating every letter. I can't even draw right now.

I'm feeling awful. I know It's because I'm afraid of people thinking my writing and drawing is awful. I asked for constructive criticism on the first chapter of my novel, and my art. My novel is very unoriginal and my art sucks. That's pretty much exactly whet I was told and I haven't touched a pen or opened the files for my novel since. It's been over a month. I've written a few short stories, but that's done more harm. They were for a writing contest that goes on once a week and those who enter get to vote. All three times I've entered, I haven't gotten a single vote. I'm being blown out of the water and I think I should quit. It's just going to keep on going.

I'm getting mad at my computer because it just keeps changing my page when I try using PMs. Apparently we have Malaware. And it only happens on Gaia!

I can't contact my friends, no matter how much I try, my little brother won't leave me alone and I feel like a failure.

I just want to start cutting again. I refuse to, but I want to. I don't want to dissappoint my mom any more.

I think I have Bipolar. I know I have OCD, Hell, I think I have every freaking thing on the planet.

I feel bad when I try and talk about this, because I feel like they could be out living their lives instead of talking to me.

From what you have said, it sounds to me like you are right and that you have some writers/artist block. It must be really hard to think about writing or doing art in the context of being judged for whatever you produce. I have to wonder too who is doing the judging. Are these people whose own art and writing you know and respect?

You have a lot of things going on.

1) Writing/Art/block/quality/etc
2) Anger at your computer for malware
3) Feelings of wanting to cut and good reasons for not doing so
4) Wondering what is going on, why you are like you are and why you feel what you feel and the looming question..."Do I have a psychiatric disorder"
5) Feelings of worthlessness? Like you don't deserve the time of an answer maybe (I am guessing at this one)

It sounds a bit scattered so I suggest taking one thing at a time. Which ones feel most important right now? And which ones feel more important with a longer term perspective?

Uma - I wanted an honest opinion on my art a while back, and I was tired of the 'Oh it's great!' That my friends always give me. So I posted some examples of it in a thread in the Picture Post forum. I wanted to hear a couple good things about it, so I got kind of tired and asked if I did anything reasonably. Someone came straight out and said I sucked. She was pretty rude saying that I was looking for blind compliments, and that I was nowhere near the level needed to open an art shop. I told her I wasn't looking for a review on myself and that she didn't have to be so rude. I do respect everyone's art. I know I can't keep up with the people on Gaia, especially when it comes to Art and writing.

We have done almost everything short of reformatting my laptop to get rid of the redirects. Hijackthis, spybot, AVG, HouseCall, everything we can find. This is the only forum I can reply in. I can't send PMs, can't reply to any forums, nothing. And it's only on this account. My mule is fine.

The last time I cut was about four weeks before school ended. It was when a friend was going through some difficult times, and I couldn't do anything to help her and I couldn't tell anyone.

I know for a fact that I have Insomnia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and Separation Anxiety. I have no idea what else, except for Narcolepsy. I just know I'm not normal, and I'm always off. I'm not as mature as all the other people my age, I still love Hello Kitty, and I'm really immature. I just don't know why.

If I had to work on things it would be
The computer
My art.

Nobody can really help wiith the others. Kids Help Phone hung up on me because they didn't understand why I wanted to cut, but they thought it was a prank.

It's not so much worthlessness. I don't really want to talk to my real life friends, because I almost never get a hold of them, and I don't really want to bother them when they're having fun, because it doesn't happen very often when all my friends are happy. And when they're not, I'm the one with the ears, so they always come to me for advice.

The disorder thing I need to figure out on my own, because I'm just a teenager, and this kind of thing is normal in teenagers apparently. My mom went through the same thing.

Vix - No, I don't really have a college that I can go to on a whim. They're all pretty far away. Plus, I don't think they'd let me when I'm still in highschool. I know I'm definately good with Character developement, it's one of my favourite parts of writing, the one I spend the most time on before the actual story. I need to work on originality apparently. I thought I was doing good, but I guess not. I know the whole 'prophecy' thing is old, but it's barely even a subplot. I actually do know know a lot about people and why they do things.

I think I'm Bipolar because I'm always either Hyper-crazy or depressed. I've talkedto my councellor at school about it, and she thinks it's nothing. I don't know anymore. I barely know who I am anymore.

Thanks, I really appreciate the help from you, Uma and MAD.

I get shaky, I don't sleep at all some nights, yes for the projects, no risks, I'm always paranoid, and I almost always believe in things I know aren't true or real. I have almost unrealistic energy sometimes, I bounce around, I dance, sometimes I'll do things I normally don't feel like doing. Like writing and drawing.

My councellor doesn't think anything's really off except me being extremely obsessive. She thinks it may be a part of my OCD. Mom doesn't think that, because she went through the exact same things.

Uma - Nope. No psychiatrist. It's nothing dangerous. I pick my lips mercilessly. I also have an obsession with my spelling. It must be done right. It runs in the family, I guess.
I tried to give constructive criticism, telling them that I didn't like it so much because I felt that murder was out of character for the character who murdered another in the story. The one holding the contest thought it was harsh, so I apologized, and I don't talk much in that thread. I must reply further in another post.

Rose, you don't need to be of age to have something diagnosed. If you suspect yourself of having narcolepsy, then you shouldn't write it off. It can be dangerous, especially if you're also affected by cataplexy, which is something like sudden muscular weakness. This means that you could possibly collapse while walking, running, etc... And it could happen when it comes time for you to learn how to drive.

I'm not trying to scare you. I just want you to know that if you think there's something wrong, it shouldn't be written off.

You should definitely talk to your doctor about your concerns. As for your issues with your writing, I can give it a read if you want, and tell you what I think. I am not a professional (yet), but I can give you my opinion on it.

I'll pm you my email address, you can send it there.