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 Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 6:01 pm
I really should stop entering contests. I'm tired of entering, having my ego get big and then having it all collapse on me when I come in last place.
Drawing and writing are the only things I've ever felt good at. The only things I ever felt like I suceeded in. I don't know why I feel so awful after getting last or close to last.
I know it comes with what I do, but I don't know how much more I can take. It hurts more and more everytime I lose. I feel pathetic and stupid for taking pride in my stuff.
The hardest thing is that everytime I lose, I feel the need to enter more to try and prove the judgement wrong, and to try and make myself feel better. It becomes an epic fail after I lose and get desperate again.
On a psychological level, I think I know why I feel like this, but I just can't bring myself to stop it.
I think it's because I've always lived in the shadow of my younger cousin. The one who gets everything she wants and tried to beat me up.
I feel really worthless next to her, she gets everything she wants without lifting a finger, but I need to work for it and still don't get it.
I wouldn't feel so insignifigant about her upstaging me if it didn't work ALL the time. Except it does, and she rubs her nice things and privileges in my face.
I think that's why I feel so compelled to prove myself.
I'm thinking of becoming legally emancipated when I'm old enough. I'll keep in touch with my Mom and Grandparents, but not my cousin and auntie.
My auntie encourages my cousin to be her best, and I think she knows my cousin bullies me. I think she likes to pretend it isn't happening.
I don't want my mom confronting my auntie, because I don't want them to fight like they've done before I was born.
My mom and auntie lived in the same house, but didn't speak to eachother at all for over a year.
My mom's told me that they're not far from having it happen again.
I'm such a pushover. No wonder I lose everything I enter.
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Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:45 pm
First of all Roses, what's wrong with your W key? Every word that starts with W is missing it in your post.
Second, are you talking specifically about contests here on Gaia, or are you including real life contests as well? If the former, I would say don't let it get to you. I have found that most contests on Gaia that revolve around drawing and writing are never judged fairly. I have entered many writing contests here and when I read what was chosen as the winner, I am appalled. The same goes for drawing contests. I'm not an artist myself, so I would never enter an art contest, but I have seen enough of them to know that one persons idea of what passes for talent when it comes to drawing, is another persons (mine to be exact) trash.
So in closing, you keep practicing your drawing and keep working on your writing and don't judge your worth by what happens here on Gaia.
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Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:59 pm
I agree with Shanra. I also think one needs to be objective about one's writing. If everyone is saying it is not good then you need to carefully examine it. It takes a brave person to do that, an honest person.
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Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 9:42 pm
Shanra - Real life to. My mom told me that I've entered in enough if it bugs me. I
don't think I'll stop, but I'll try and slow it down.
I was on my mom's computer, the key is busted. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.
I try to get into contests in real life, but a lot I can't because mom doesn't want me to make fun of myself. I have to agree with her, she's usually right.
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Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 9:48 pm
Uma - The main reason I do these things is because I want the opinion of someone who isn't afraid to hurt my feelings with something I need to hear. No one will do that for me in reality, not even my art teacher.
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Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 10:06 pm
Hey there Roses! <3
I read through your other thread, too. And I want to start off by saying that you shouldn't jump to the conclusion that you have OCD if you haven't been diagnosed by a professional. I know there's a range of severity, but apparently most people have a few symptoms of OCD. If it's just picking your lips & stuff, I'm sure, like you said, it's nothing dangerous. One less thing to worry about.
For writing, I know this sounds really random, but if you don't already, I'd suggest picking up a Writers' Digest. I don't write often, but they're really fun to read, & can be really inspiring. They also have tons of respectable contests & links to community sites focused on constructively criticizing each other's work. :3 Not to mention they also contain helpful articles on everything from plot development to getting published. <3
Also, I've said before that 11000 words is a huge accomplishment in itself. If you're 15, then you're my age, & I can't imagine having already written that much myself. I have to stress that revision revision revision is, at least for me, a great way to work out issues in writing.
I love character development, don't get me wrong. I made a cast of characters for what I wanted to be a debut novel. But I only wrote a chapter before deciding that without plot, my characters had nothing to do. I just recently wrote a short story at 2am, in 1st person (not my normal style), without fore-thought or naming any of the characters, and in a minimalistic approach. It was the opposite of everything I normally do. It wasn't sci-fi, fantasy, or steampunk, it was almost like my least favorite genre--magical realism. But I liked it. It helped me get over my block & ultimately return to Gaia & my RPs here. I know that one woman's solution doesn't apply to all, but it was really fun & different, & I encourage you to try it. <3
Or, if none of that helps, just pick up a new book. Maybe a genre you don't normally read. Try to change your perspective. Or read in a different way. Look for themes that apply to your life. Try to get inspired.
Then just write what you feel. You sound like you're having a unique experience, and if you can draw inspiration from your life, your writing will be more full & believable. I've had a rather mild life, so it's always hard for me to write about emotion. I'm just guessing you won't have the same problem. C; <3
I can empathize with you in the areas of our age & having OCD, & the the fact that we both have a love of writing & drawing. If you ever want critiques on art or writing, always feel free to send them to me.
EDIT: Also, you can take community college courses in high-school (I think this came up in the other thread?), but if there are no colleges near you, then maybe look for workshops during school breaks, or get together with friends who share your interests? Though I realize you said that you can't often contact your friends in real life. But if it's because you're worried about disturbing their happiness, all I can say is that I think they would be happy to help a friend, or hang out with a friend, since they are your friends. That may or may not have made any sense at all.
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Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 2:57 pm
I would also like to make this recommendation as far as your drawing goes. There is something called the Art Instruction School, and you can find their ads in many different magazines. They have been around for ages, as I remember sending in one of my drawings to them when I was your age, and I'm old enough to be your mother now. My daughter did this and she was contacted by the school about becoming a student. They sent a representative out to our house and he looked over her portfolio. Now bear in mind, she was in Jr. High at this time and had had no formal training in art. We decided as a family to enroll her in the school. I will not lie to you, it does cost money for the course, but it's paid for over time and not all at once. What they do, if you have not heard of them before, is send you a lesson, in which you read the lesson and practice the technique for that lesson, then when you feel you have learned it, you do the drawing you are instructed to do and mail it back in to the school to be graded by one of their teachers. They send the graded piece back to you with comments on where you can improve and where you did well. If you score a B or above you're good. (at least I believe it's a B) If you score lower, you have the option of redoing the drawing and submitting it again. The idea is that you do 1 lesson a month, but if it takes you longer to perfect a technique, you are not penalized in any way. It took my daughter over 7 years to finally complete the program, and it should have only taken her 2 yrs or so. She learned so much from that art program, that she now teaches kids how to draw anime, at a local art center. She has also had some of her paintings bought at auction and has had a few commissioned as well. Every year the Art School runs a contest for its current students and its alumni, and every year she enters a painting. She has yet to win, but she doesn't let that stop her. You shouldn't either. She is more than willing (and has done so at my request before) to review any drawing you care to show to me, and tell you where you can improve or where you are doing good.
The address for the Art Instruction School is:
3400 Technology Drive
Minneapolis, MN 55418
They may send you the drawing test if you write to them asking for it.
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Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 8:02 pm
First off (and I can't stress this enough) you shouldn't compare yourself to your cousin. I had similar problems with one of min, and was miserable until I just stopped caring that he got everything and I didn't. In the end, with us at least, it sort of balanced out in a weird way. We still don't speak to one another, but we are on more equal footing, I guess you could say. But don't worry about what your cousin gets and you don't. It's pointless. Don't worry about your mom's relationship with your aunt; there is nothing you can do to fix it, and really, it's not your place to try. I know, I've been there too, and learned that lesson the hard way as well. As for your writing and art, keep doing it. Take a course or two (the Art Institute idea posted by Shanra is a good one). As for your writing, there are a ton of good books out there that you can read that will help. I recommend The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing a Novel. It's a great book, it's been really helpful with me. There's another one I have that you might want to look at, I can't remember the title offhand and have misplaced it, but it's a psychological look at character development and how to improve upon it. Once again, a great book, it's written by a psychologist who specializes in helping writers.
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