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 Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 5:36 pm
I honestly haven't said this to anyone.
I don't know my sexual preference. For a while now, I've been thinking that I could be gay. But how am I supposed to know? I've no interest in starting a relationship until I've established a life for myself. Finding my path is my priority. I don't want to worry about myself in a serious relationship with another person. I'm inhibited and unaffectionate. I won't throw myself at someone else just to find out. I'm not like that.
My mother has said several times "If you were gay, you would tell me, right?" This does nothing to make me feel secure in disclosing any personal thoughts. If she has no problem with homosexuality like she claims, then what does she need to constantly question it and push me to date one of my male friends for? Why does heteronormativity have to exist? Don't people understand the pressure and damages of pushing it on their loved ones? Why is anything expected of me just because I'm female? I'm sick of assumptions and expectations based on one thing that can tell you nothing about how I am.
I'm 20-years-old and I don't know what I want to do in life. Growing up, I had many aspirations and ideas, but they would always get shot down. "That's not a good career for a girl." "That won't make money." I feel that it's heavily affected me and I've brought this up in serious conversation. But with my mother, things go in one ear and out the other unless you're telling her what she wants to hear. So she constantly pushes, asks me if I'm sure with what I want to do, asks me if I want to change my major. I just want to duct tape her mouth shut and push her down the stairs. No, I don't know. If she never shuts her mouth, I don't know if I ever will.
She accuses me, saying that I'm an adult and it's time that I start thinking of what I want to do for myself. Is she so stupid that she expects 20 years of her bad parenting to evaporate?
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Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:46 pm
Don't worry about your sexuality for now. Some people realize what they want at an early age (I knew I liked girls just as much as boys when I was fifteen) and some don't figure out what they want until much later in life. Don't force feelings you don't have right now, just let things unfold as they will. There is no rushing this sort of thing.
As for what you want to do in life, my advice is pretty much the same. Sometimes it takes people a while to find out what they truly want to do with their life. Take a class here and there on different subjects, and go from there. It's hard too when people mindlessly shoot down your ideas. Try and ignore it as best you can. I know it's easier said than done, but if you stop listening to people who do nothing but criticize you, you'll be much happier (and healthier) for it.
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Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 7:34 pm
Same here, Belle.
I've been pretty naive most of my life, but when I started getting teased in grade one, for the sole reason that I'm a girl and I wanted to be a mechanic, I thought something was off.
I still want to be a mechanic, if only for a side job, hobby, or just in case I need to give someone a hand on the highway. I'm in auto class and kicking arse.
I was teased about 'being a lesbian' because my best and first friend was a girl and we had fun everyday in a world that just didn't tolerate people who were different. Turns out, I'm bisexual, but I've stopped caring about anything they say about anything that offends me. I've learned that there are people whose opinions matter, and those whose opinions don't.
I visit that town every summer and if someone tries to pull that(they haven't anymore) I don't take it anymore.
I don't usually like encouraging blunt, harsh things, but you need to tell your mother to shut up, sit down and listen to what you say.
And I mean that literally.
I had to do that to my grandmother, my ex-boyfriend, the guy who bulliedd me, and a friend in order to get them to listen. They shut up, and (mostly) had more respect for me after I said everything.
Tell her everything you just said now. Write it down until you've engraved it into your head, because otherwise you'll never get a good enough grasp on it to tell her.
You need to be firm, and it might be hard, because she's you're mother, but if she's caused such an impact of you, then you need to let this out.
Some people just don't understand things until someone takes it and beats them over the head with it verbally.
If you need a hand, I'll help you if you want.
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Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 7:53 pm
I appreciate the comments and advice from the both of you, but I have, on multiple occasions had a serious conversation with my mother and told her everything I feel.
She has no respect for the thoughts and feelings of those in her family, unless she hears what she wants to hear. I live with her, so she's still an influence in my life. My current location prevents me from getting a place of my own.
But I plan on moving a good distance from her when I get a career.
I have a firm grasp of what I want to do in life, but it's a matter of obtaining it once I have my degree.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 1:34 pm
Honestly, don't get what your mother says to you about "knowing your sexuality" get to you. I double with entervixen on the statement in which she mentioned that some people "know their sexuality at a young age, while others at an older." Honestly, either way... your mom shouldn't judge you due to your partner preferences... and at the point at which you don't even know yourself... it is just pointless for your mother to pressure you because she isn't inside your body and she never will be and she has to accept the fact that sexuality doesn't matter... AS LONG AS YOU ARE HAPPY! I am pro-homosexuality... so its situations like this that confuse me; as to the true intentions behind the questions.
I honestly commend you that you are working on your future and life, before getting involved in a serious relationship. I mean, relationships come and go... but your career is what will keep your life going until the end. But i don't see how this correlates with homosexuality... there is no true correlation between the two. I won't deny... that i am the same way. So according to your mom, i may be homosexual?? Spare me! Don't let this bullshit get to you!!!
Tell her to shut the ******** up and let you control your life the way you want to... FOR ITS YOUR LIFE NOT HERS... THATS THE BOTTOM LINE... DO WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY AND NOT WHAT MAKES HER HAPPY!!!!!
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Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 9:29 am
Sorry it took me a bit to find this thread. I should look in the forums here more often. Anyhow, I should just quote Entervixen's post for I sincerely think the same way. Also, even though I don't know you in person, I know you pretty well. I think you can put off making a decision on the gay thing. Also, who says you need to be one way or the other? Maybe you are attracted to people and the gender part of things is irrelevant.
You have some complex issues Belle, it is not simple what is going on in your life and there are no easy answers to anything. But you stated pretty clearly what your goal is, "But I plan on moving a good distance from her when I get a career. I have a firm grasp of what I want to do in life, but it's a matter of obtaining it once I have my degree."
You are still full-time at school right? When do you get your degree? Do you think you can get a job right away so you can get a place of your own? Where do you want to move to anyhow?
Also, you do not need to tell your mom anything. You said, "but I have, on multiple occasions had a serious conversation with my mother and told her everything I feel." I am just wondering why you bother to do that? What is your motivation for trying multiple times? Maybe you don't need to do that, have you thought about that?
Maybe some of this is "life stress". You are at a transitional age and that is never a comfortable spot to be in, know what I mean?
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Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 9:03 pm
I don't think that I need to be one or the other. But I would like to step closer to knowing myself. I don't need a label to put on myself for other people. I just want to know me more. There are also more issues, such as how I could potentially be received by the private and public sectors of society. I do not plan to get married, but if I am gay and gay marriage is not legal in all states, I feel that my own country is saying that I am not a person deserving of equal treatment. That bothers me a lot. I can say that I don't care what others think, but there are hate crimes against gays and that affects me. It affected me even before I started questioning my sexuality, but if it turns out that I am a part of that demographic, I could be a target.
I am going to be attending school full-time in the spring semester and I'm sure that my major is going to change, so I don't know when I'll be getting my degree. I think that my career will be in the media industry. I have also considered advertisement in the clothing, cosmetic, or toy industry. Media could place me in New Jersey with a job in NYC or it could place me in Georgia or California. I do think that I would be able to get a place of my own.
I bother because in my present situation I have to deal with her. I think that some people can be reached by a sincere talking to. Not so much with her.
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Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 3:12 pm
I actually had a conversation with one of my good friends today about the whole homosexuality aspect. I honestly cant recall how we got into it... but all of a sudden he said that he is gay. I wasn't shocked... but i was rather happy that he told and here is the reply that i told him... this may or may not help you:
"I am proud of the fact that you came out of your shell and that you are proud of your sexuality. But, i am also a bit frazzled on why you are putting yourself in the spotlight to be targeted by hate crimes; especially since our school isn't 100% pro-homosexuality... its split 50/50."
He replied to be something wise, "I am not worried about hate crimes or what people think of me. If i can't be myself in public... than its not worth being me and therefore i am not true to myself and i am nothing but a fake porcelain doll. People have to accept me who i am; hate me or love me... but they have to understand that i am me and no one else; take it or leave it. I am gay and that is who i will always be and i proud of it and i won't change it for the world."
The point of me sharing this conversation with you is for you not to be frightened of being a target or of being your true self; be who you really are and don't let anyone scare you out of doing otherwise.
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Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 3:21 pm
I think being afraid of hate crimes is a legitimate fear. The key is to not let it rule your life. It bothers me too how things are going in America right now. In fact, my biggest fear with it right now is that it is setting a standard for how we deal with anyone who is different (but that's another topic). It's good to be aware, and cautious of what may happen, you just can't let it rule you.
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Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 6:41 pm
I don't know...I think so differently about this that I wonder if I should even reply. My thoughts have had many years to percolate but that is not to say I am right just that maybe my perspective is too different.
People seem to think that being gay defines them in some way. And to me this is astounding, but it actually does define them in some way. I don't get that though and I never have. Why does one have to say "I am gay"? Or for that matter, "I am straight." I don't get it. Whose business is it? I guess it is just me because I just don't care. It's like those old goths I just saw in some documentary who go on this cruise every year and they have names for themselves like oh I'm a "corporate goth" and that is their big identity, the world is filtered though this concept, it's how they see themselves.
I don't know...I just don't get why it is such a big deal that one has to tell everybody. I don't get this society where we have to be vocal about our sexual proclivities. Dang.
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Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 6:44 pm
Bellevi I bother because in my present situation I have to deal with her. I think that some people can be reached by a sincere talking to. Not so much with her. Most people want to hear only what they want to hear. Sucks.
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Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 8:25 pm
I understand where you come from. I don't think we should have to, but since gays are marginalized and have been for so long, that's just have things have formed. Our society is preoccupied with sex.
When one is marginalized or hated for something that they have no control over, I think it's natural to want to try and find a community where they'll be accepted. That's why people find themselves having to "come out". Growing up, they're just naturally expected to be attracted to the opposite sex. Even little comments like "Do you like any boys?", coming from loved ones, can put a lot of weight on someone's shoulders.
So to come out to the people you love and be accepted when there are so many people that hate that demographic can be a big thing.
It's not right, but society holds a power over a lot of people. And our society just happens to be heavily rooted in heteronormativity.
Sometimes I don't feel I'm male or female, but if I'm attracted to girls, that would get my chucked into the homosexual category by others. I can have a mindset and stick to it, but I can't get rid of all external forces.
But then...It's not even that I think I'm attracted to the female gender. I think I'm attracted to the female sex. It could be important to me someday...
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Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 8:17 pm
Belle,i think i'm in a similar situation,albeit without the mom drama.
I go to an all male school,have been for the last 3 years.
There have been times when i've questioned my sexuality.There have been many times when i've seen a guy and thought "wow,they're attractive," or "i want to know them a lot more." I almost just as often feel this way about girls [based on school,i see more guys,so there's a bit of a bias]
I accept this as my life.I have never kissed a girl,nor have i kissed a guy.I feel like before i can nail my sexuality down [if that's possible] i should try both.
So i think if your mom keeps pressing,tell her you're not interested in romance or anything right now.
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Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 6:50 am
Bellevi I understand where you come from. I don't think we should have to, but since gays are marginalized and have been for so long, that's just have things have formed. Our society is preoccupied with sex. When one is marginalized or hated for something that they have no control over, I think it's natural to want to try and find a community where they'll be accepted. That's why people find themselves having to "come out". Growing up, they're just naturally expected to be attracted to the opposite sex. Even little comments like "Do you like any boys?", coming from loved ones, can put a lot of weight on someone's shoulders. So to come out to the people you love and be accepted when there are so many people that hate that demographic can be a big thing. It's not right, but society holds a power over a lot of people. And our society just happens to be heavily rooted in heteronormativity. Sometimes I don't feel I'm male or female, but if I'm attracted to girls, that would get my chucked into the homosexual category by others. I can have a mindset and stick to it, but I can't get rid of all external forces. But then...It's not even that I think I'm attracted to the female gender. I think I'm attracted to the female sex. It could be important to me someday... If you call yourself marginalized then you will be marginalized. I would say to step away from that kind of thinking and look at things from a different perspective maybe. You said you understood where I am coming from, but do you see where the things that are bothering you are things you are putting on yourself that you don't have to? But it is up to you, totally, and I know that I have arrived where I did through a long process and you will arrive wherever you are going through your own evaluation. So I am just saying it is ok if our thoughts on this do not entirely coincide. ^_^
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Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 7:04 am
Billiam9 Belle,i think i'm in a similar situation,albeit without the mom drama. I go to an all male school,have been for the last 3 years. There have been times when i've questioned my sexuality.There have been many times when i've seen a guy and thought "wow,they're attractive," or "i want to know them a lot more." I almost just as often feel this way about girls [based on school,i see more guys,so there's a bit of a bias] I accept this as my life.I have never kissed a girl,nor have i kissed a guy.I feel like before i can nail my sexuality down [if that's possible] i should try both. So i think if your mom keeps pressing,tell her you're not interested in romance or anything right now. It is nice that you do not have mom drama, that must be a relief. Boys school...? Say, have you ever seen the move Maurice? If not you might want to consider watching it but it is rated R for good reason. Don't watch it with your parents at all. Um...I would say maybe watch it alone. Or with a good friend who does not care about gay movies and naked men. Also, there are some other lovely films, like My Beautiful Laundrette, ever seen that? And also there is that cute gay film called Beautiful Thing. Not sure why I am mentioning these films...hmmm. If I had to choose one it would be Beautiful Thing. I think I got on the topic due to boys school, reading back. Anyhow, good luck with that and where are you going to college anyhow?
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