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Byagane319

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 9:18 pm


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Deadly Flower


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 9:53 pm


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The Stats of Hanachi


Name
The meaning is Japanese for Blood Flower or Life Flower. When she was born her hair was red as blood. The color red and blood are connect with life. Her parents felt by naming her after such things would make her filled with energy and vitality. Her last name came from her family's long history of farming. For generations her family have worked the earth.

Alliance
Hana is a firm Legion supporter because her family has always been loyal to the emperor.

Path
Hana is a trained fighter and plans to stay on that path. She is a practitioner of Ninjutsu, excelling in the art of Kyushojutsu associated with it. As the youngest member of the family it was tradition for her to take up the warrior path. The village elders asked each family to have one member learn this form of nonlethal defence, which was the main type of fightning style in her villiage. No one wanted to kill, merely to incapacitate. The village was, of course, a safe place but they were wary of strangers. Once a group of travelers robbed an elderly couple's home. First the training consisted getting her in shape then the children were shown all the painful points of the body. Pressure point fighting is very precise, causing massive amounts of pain or disabling an opponent with a single hit. This fighting style has given her decent upper body strength. Her hits hurt and she will make sure you are not going to get back up any time soon. Stamina is good but being able to take a hit is also important. So long as she can dodge, she can still keep fighting. Hana has heard of the Death Spot, a special spot in pressure point fighting that is said to cause death without leaving a mark. While her village does not approve of killing, the idea still intrigues her.

Magic Style : Seal Forming Magic
Hana's early training in Kyushojutsu allowed her to take quickly to this hand based magic. She does not use large complicated spells. She merely uses quick spells while on the move. Normally she uses illusion magic to hide and small fire spells to start distracting fires. Sometimes she is even able to make plants or rocks move to distract a guard away from their post. Beyond that she does not use seals in combat, only when trying to hide from or distract her enemies.

Weapons
Fighter - Typical small ninja type weaponry, nothing overly deadly. She's mostly a hand to hand fighter.
Captain - More advanced small weaponry, more deadly.
Tenryujin - A beautiful katana with her own name etched into it. The handle is wrapped in black and red cloth with a black hand guard. Hanging from the hilt is a red and white braid. It is a gift from her father. Once she gains this weapon she relies less on her pressure point fighting and focuses on weapons training.

Physical Appearance
(will go for a premade but if I get a custom here's her description)
Hanachi is not tall, in fact she is very short being barely 5' tall. Her lithe body weighs only 110 lbs. Despite her shortness she has long willowy legs and arms that disguise the power behind them. Her hands are rarely seen but they are calloused and scarred from her work on the farm and her training. Her skin is very pale, showing her long hours at night when she practices. She is also covered in minor scars and always has some bruises on her from the illegal fighting ring. Her eyes are black and seem to lack any kind of warmth. She keeps her long red hair in a ponytail starting high on her head then lets the rest flow behind her. Right at the very end of her hair she has a small hair tie with a lotus flower. Not overly feminine she keeps her nails trimmed to avoid any problems and never wears make up. Her scales, which are located across her shoulders, forearms, ribs, at the side of each eye, and around her navel are a dark red.

Clothing
Hanachi comes from a poorer family background so she cares little for fancy clothing. She prefers loose fitting shirts and pants to allow full range of motion. Her everyday clothes are simple in make and color, reflecting her farming heritage. If there are any designs they are simple. While training and fighting she tends to wear a lot of black. This outfit consists of a halter top barely reaching below her small bust line and low riding pants that hang below her navel. A ninja cloth mask covers the lower half of her face usually, from the nose down onto her neck. She wears it when she is fighting as her facial expressions can give away her intentions. She feels if she can't be seen smiling when she's winning or frowning when she's losing the fight will go better. Her hands are normally wrapped in sparring tape up to her wrists, usually a few torn strands hanging down. She wears soft cloth shoes to help disguise her footsteps, even when walking down the street.

Personality
Blunt: Hanachi was raised on a farm in a tiny village so she is not the most refined and well mannered girl. Hana had trouble adapting to city social life when she first arrived, eventually she learned some things but she can be very blunt when asked a question. She doesn't sugar coat anything nor is she good at comforting people. Back home, no one saw a reason to beat around the bush so to speak. You had to be direct to the point so you wouldn't waste time. Even her family has smacked her a few times for her ability to point things out with almost no tact. She has absolutely NO tact. If she thinks it she'll say it. She's not trying to be insulting or start a problem, she just has no filter between the brain and mouth. This can start a lot of fights or insult people who don't know her that well. She gets along well with the laborers of the city as well as her fellow illegal fighters.

Restrained: When first entering her extended family's home she was just another mouth to feed and resented by most in the household. Her cousins taunted and bullied her. At first she wanted to strike out but her father had always taught her to be level headed in all situations. Also her fighting teachers had taught them emotional restraint lest her fighting style get her into serious trouble. After all her knowledge of pain centers could be highly abused when dealing with a non-fighter. So she always tries keep her emotions in control. Not that she always does this but she does try.

Competitive: Hana doesn't like be to judged for her small stature so she is always willing to take on any opponent who challenges her. This isn't always good as she can't take a lot of hits if her opponant really is stronger than her. More than once she's had her a** handed to her but it only encourages her to fight even more. She considers it good practice and a way to prove her worth as a fighter. It came from her constant games of hide and seek with her brothers. She takes her competitive edge into back alley fighting rings. She enjoys the ring even if she doesn't always win. This has earned her a few friends in the underground fighting circle where she is simply known as "Red". An older boy who calls himself "Dragon Claw" keeps an eye on her if the losers decide they want payback for a sound beating in the ring. Dragon Claw's brother, who calls himself "Rock", also considers her like a little sister. Sometimes Hana will go stay in their little apartment in the poorer side of town, just to get away from her cousins and feel some sense of home again.

Tactical: There is a method to her madness. Hana's ability to observe her surroundings and formulate a plan is good but it seems no one but her sees the path until the end. People normally only see the path of her thinking once the end has been reached. This can make group missions difficult if Hana is in charge. In fact she prefers to NOT be in charge or be given a solo mission. But if she has to work in a group she prefers to be given an order than left alone to do it. Hana cannot describe her plans to teammates because she thinks of them on the fly and usually visualizes it rather than give it explanation. This can lead to quite a lot of tension between team members. This also makes her excellent at strategy games such as chess and go.

Awkward: Despite her hard exterior, Hana is so very lonely for friendship. Her family and old friends are far away. The extended family she stays with are practically strangers, her mother's distant cousin who grudgingly took her in. She wants friends but she finds it hard to understand why people can't think like her. She does not act like a typical girl and boys feel strange at times with her around. That doesn't stop her from trying but she does watch them for Noble alliance leaning. If someone has leanings toward them she tends to shy away but won't count them out as a friend. Their minds can always be changed if they see the evils ways of the nobles. She fully believes the noble children are blinded by their corrupt parents and can be shown their errors. Socially she is awkward, having been raised on a farm in a small village doesn't help in a big city, but she does try to interact with others. Her only current "friends" are fellow illegal fighters Dragon Claw and Rock.

Hobbies
Star Gazing - Late at night, after Hana is done training, she scurries up to her favorite roof and lays there for long hours. Her dark eyes stare up into the sky, watching the stars twinkle in the night. She has heard the stories of how there was a star up there connected to her soul. So, when the night sky is clear, she searches the sky looking for her star. She started this hobby when she was young. Her father would sit outside with her and tell her the stories about famous Lunarians who gained the power of the stars. Now, with him far away, she feels closer to him when she is under the same sky.

Illegal Fighting - Hana does enjoy training but she felt it was so restrictive. She really couldn't open up and lay into someone with all her might. It could lead to serious injury given her style. That is when she discovered the secret realm of illegal fighting. One night, when she had been kicked out the house for the evening for hurting a cousin by accident, she followed the sounds of fighting. There she saw a bunch of fighters battling it out for money and underground fame. They had very few rules, mostly don't kill your opponant and no crotch shots, and let fighters really show their strength. Her first battle went ok, she took a few hits but her own style proved to be popular with the crowd. She was given the fighter name "Red" and told she could come back any time. Hana knows this isn't exactly what her family had in mind when they sent her to the city but the chance to prove herself usually over takes this thought. If she can prove her strength then maybe they would forgive her for her activities. Not to mention this gives her a bit of spending money.

Little Branches, Little Clips - Hana has a small bonsai tree she lovingly takes care of. She takes careful clips to keep it growing in a shape only she seems to see. Hana does love to grow things, remembering the joys of her simple country life with her farming parents. Her current family grow herbs and spices so it seems to run in the family. She has a small spit of earth she uses outside her home for small herbs and a happy window sill for delicate flowers. Hidden away from her family and friends, she has an even smaller spit of land she uses for poisonous plants. From her new family she's learned all the adverse effects of plants which could be useful later in her line of work.


What she can offer to the Legion
Hana is dedicated to the Legion and will give her life to protect her village as one of the main guardians. Small and silent she could be a good spy and assassin. She can be sent on solo missions due to her tactical nature and self defense abilities, there by leaving more fighters available. She will follow orders to the letter but they better.

History


Hana started her life as a peasant girl living a simple life on a rice farm. She has two brothers, one six years older than her and one three years older than her. She is the youngest child and only girl of the Nouka family. They are not poor farmers; they live in a good home where each has their own room. But her parents do not spend their money on frivolous things. She played with dolls handmade by her mother and would play hide and seek with her brothers in the rice paddies. She was really good at it. They never found her and always burst into laughter as she jumped out at them yelling "boo!". She always loved the ninjatos they carried, gifts from a local noble when he found her father's rice made the most delicious sake. Her brothers often talked of finding her a good husband, to which she would respond that boys were icky and her brother would laugh and ask if they were icky. She would just giggle and stick her tongue out at them. She had many friends and they would all play in the fields and forests near the village. She was more of a tomboy so most of her friends were the rough-n-tough boys. While, at first, her mother didn't approve of such behavior her father pointed out that Hana might attract the attention of a young man if they have been friends since childhood.

She was very happy with her life until the war reached the borders of her small village. Her village refused to pledge their loyalty to the local nobles, being mostly a poor village that got its income from farming. The nobles were highly displeased, saying the village could expand and become richer if they would just agree to their alliance. But the village elders refused, saying the old ways were good enough and had given them all a good life. Hana's father was one of the elders who voted against siding with the nobles. The nobles left unhappily and the whole village put them out of their mind. The big growing season was coming and they needed to concentrate on more important things than politics.

The main fighting style of the village is Ninjitsu and many youngsters practice it. It is almost tradition that the youngest child in the family take up the practice. The older children have the responsibility of ensuring the prosperity of the family so the youngest should ensure the safety. Despite her family's protests Hana demanded to learn just like the other kids. Her mother was most displeased, feeling her daughter would never find a husband if she became some sort of warrior. Of course her father felt it wasn't proper for a girl but also wanted to keep in tradition. He saw how much his little Flower loved learning the art and how pretty it made her become. Maybe it would help her land a husband since many of her fellow fighters were boys and all respected her abilities. Her brothers were neutral to the idea, but still encouraged her to do better. Her instructors saw how quickly Hana seemed to pick up the pressure point portion of her training. They began to have her concentrate on that as her main form.

The war began to inch closer to the village so the elders had a meeting about what they should do. They were a small village of no strategic importance but wanted to secure the safety of their home none the less. So it was decided that their current batch of training warriors be sent to the city to better refine their skills at the academy. This meant Hana would be sent away. Her mother was in tears, clutching her little girl to her, but her father assured her it was for the best. Their little girl would see more of the world that the borders of their little village and receive an excellent education. Hana also protested being forced to leave, she didn't want to go stay with strange people she barely knew so far away from her home. It took many nights to convince her to go but she finally agreed. She wanted to cry but her father told her she was going to be the strength of the village and of her family. She had to be strong for them, to protect them.

With this in her mind Hana joined the other village kids as they all left for the city. She carried only a few reminders of her beloved family with her but knew it was her duty to be their protectors. She would learn everything she could and keep those nobles out of her village. She began to resent nobles as she traveled, they had caused her to leave her home. They had threatened her village. This was all their fault. She decided then and there she would never let the nobles win. Seeing the city for the first time was rather scary. It was so big and held more people than her entire village. It was loud, smelled funny, and was filled with strangers. Her mother had a cousin there and had sent a letter along with her daughter explaining her sudden appearance. Of course the cousin was less than pleased to see the small red-head but took her in anyway. She entered the academy and looks forward to the day she can return home and be her family's protector.

Family

Sakan Nouka - "Prosperous Farmer", Hana's father. His family has grown rice for years, always finding the best way to grow the crop for the current season. He is not poor but he is still a farmer, working his land as his ancestors have before him. They even cultivated their own breed of rice that was excellent for sake production. He hopes his two sons will expand the farm and their holdings, thus helping their baby sister find a good husband by having a good dowry. He gives all he can to his children, hoping to see them become happy and start their own families. He always taught her to never let anything stop your from you goal, because the greatest obstacle in life was yourself. He also helped her learn self control when fighting so she would not let her anger get the best of her. He did not want his daughter becoming a bully.

Nagoyaka Nouka - "Gentle Farmer", Hana's mother. A woman who adores all her children; she took to her daughter the most. While she loves her sons, always proud of their good looks and intelligence, she aspires to see her daughter marry a good man and bring honor to their family name. She constantly spoke of ways to help Hana obtain a good husband but the girl never seemed interested in the idea. But she is also a practical mother in her teachings. She taught Hana about plants in ways her father never did. Every plant had an use and she should respect the animals that lived in nature. She gave Hana her little bonsai when she left for the city, to keep a little piece of home with her. Hana learned gentle patience as her mother had to let the plants grow at their own pace.

Tansei Nouka - "Handsome Farmer", Tansei was born first, six years older than Hana, and is expected to inherit his father's farm. He is a bright child, a good fighter, and, as his name suggested, very handsome. When his father was given a choice of gift for his excellent rice, he asked the lord to give his two sons swords. Tansei was given one with a black wrapped handle, golden hand guard, with a red tassel on the end. He loved it but he loves his baby sister even more. She is his jewel, he always calls her, and wants only the best for her. To Hana, he was a prince like no other. She regards him as a second father and always does what he asks of her. He helped encourage her to go to the academy for training. Family and honor were Tansei's greatest gifts to Hana. He told her always to remember her family in whatever she did because her actions always reflected on them. This is why, during even her illegal fights, she never allows herself to dishonor her name or family.

Gouman Nouka - "Proud Farmer", Gouman is the second born, three years older than Hana. He is far more robust than his elder brother, stronger and built to be a warrior. But he has kept to his farming heritage, using his great strength to help around the farm. He knows his role is not as important as his elder brother, who is responsible for inheriting the farm and finding a proper husband for Hana, but he excells in the role his father did give him. He is to look to expand their farm by marrying a sonless family's daughter and inheriting their land. Gouman is strong and never stops training to be the strongest farmer in the village. Hana started training with him, even if she was using the smaller weights. He taught her own to listen to her body, to be know what it was capable of, and to know when to slow down. Even the body could break if you did not listen to it. He seems the most interested in seeing Hana become a warrior.

Current Family

Han currently lives with a cousin of her mother's. They consist of the female cousin, her husband, and their three children. They run a small Herb and Spice shop which is frequented by local doctors and people seeking herbal remedies. From them Hana began to learn about more exotic plants and their medicinal uses. She also learned some of the more nefarious uses of plants.

Her relationship with them is rather distant. They were resentful of the new mouth to feed but took her in at the pleading of Hana's mother. Even the kids seem resentful of her presence. She tends to ignore them or poke them in a pressure spot. That usually earns her a kick out the door for a few days. Thats when she stays with her fellow fighters Dragon Claw and Rock. They are the same age as her brothers back home.

Airi Kiyono (Beloved jasmine - Clear field) - This is her mother's cousin. She is an wonderful gardener and hopes her children will take after her in order to continue running the shop. She adores her kids, refusing to believe anyone's comments about their bad behavior. They are perfect little angels to her. When Hana first arrived on her door step she refused to take her in. She claimed she had enough mouths to feed with three children and a business to run. But her husband was able to convince her to take the girl in due to her history as a farmer. She could prove useful for the business with her knowledge of plant care. However Hana quickly showed a preference for fighting which caused a lot of strife the house. So now, whenever there is a fight, she kicks Hana out of the house for a few days. She firmly believes Hana is always the one at fault in the fights as her children are perfect.

Joji Kiyono (Hand over peace - Clear Field) - Airi's husband and the only nice member of the family. He convinced his wife to let Hana stay, not wanting to turn the girl out onto the streets when she was only doing the bidding of her village. He feels she is very honorable becoming a warrior to defend her family. He is generally kind to Hana but is more concerned about runnig his shop and training his son to take over the business. He even tried to get Hana to work a bit in the store but she made a bit of a mess so that idea was out. He is a rather hen-pecked man but is a good father to his kids.

Himawari Kiyono (Sunflower - Clear Field) - This is the eldest daughter of the family and the most resentful of Hana's presence. Hima is almost the same age as Hana and feels the other girl is intruding on her space. She usually instigates most of the fights just to get Hana thrown out of the house. She believes she is the most beautiful girl in the area and will marry a rich noble one day. Her mother also believes this, always telling others of the beauty of her wonderful daughter. Due to this she rarely cares much about the family business, only looking for ways to make herself more beautiful.

Masashi Kiyono (Elegant director - Clear Field) - This is the only boy of the Kiyono family and the one who is suppose to take over the family business one day. However Mas is very lazy, prefering to eat rather than work. He is very chunky and a bully to most of the kids on his street. He tried to bully Hana a few times but a few hits to pressure points made him wary of actually trying to hurt her. Instead he lords himself over her like she were a servant, demanding she do things for him. She refuses of course so he stays on the safe side and sticks to insults.

Suri Kiyono (Princess - Clear Field) - The youngest of the Kiyono family and the most spoiled. She's even more selfish than her older sister. Suri believes if she wants something she should have it right now. Her parents always give into her demands, even her older siblings do or she starts throwing the most horrible fit. When Hana first entered the household she thought she was a servant and began making demands. But Hana told her to grow up and do things herself. This hardly sat well with the little princess so she is constantly trying to get Hana in trouble. Not as much as her sister though. Suri prefers to stay around her parents and receive constant praise for what a lovely child she is. The rest of the neighborhood thinks she's a spoiled brat.

Byagane319

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Byagane319

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 10:58 pm


Ok I think I'm done!

Edit 1: Added weapons per rank and a personality trait.
Edit 2: Added what she can offer to the Legion
Edit 3: Added a hobby and defined personality traits some more.
Edit 4: Added family members
PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:35 am


She sounds like a really interesting character! And I love the idea of the pressure point style of fighting.

well, she is so use to
I would make that comma a semi-colon since you're combining two sentences, and add a d onto use.

Hakk doesn't jusy hate nobles
Misspelled just.

alignment; therefore they
Add a comma between therefore and they.

Observant + tunnel vision
These seem to contradict each other too much. Does any of that observant nature continue into her tunnel vision? Like, even if she's completely focused on the enemy, is she still aware of what's going on around her so that she can avoid sneak attacks from other people? Is she aware enough of her surroundings to pick out traps that the enemy might have laid for her?

her see's the
Apostrophe not needed here.

which the rarely
THe should be they.

seems see
Add to between these words.

at it, they never
I would use either a period and make them two sentences, a semi-colon, or add in a conjunction here.

They said wouldn't hurt
They should be added between said and wouldn't.

more angry
Could be changed to angier.

their attention || their leg
Add an s onto the ends of attention and leg.

One they reached
Should be once.

her dieing brothers
Should be spelled dying.

He was no poor
Should be not.

all of her children she took to
Need a semi-colon between children and she.

first son, Tansei
Forgot the period at the end of the sentence.

his father' farm
Forgot the s after the apostrophe.

He was convinced to attack the village, knowing they would eventually turn on his lord.
Did you mean family instead of lord? Because I thought the lord was their benefactor.

Kazu-chan

Demonic Shapeshifter



Beejoux


Wrathful Demigod

PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:44 am


I may do a full crit later, but I had to say that I love that she takes care of bonsai plants. It's original and I think suits her very well.

Also, Kazu put:
Observant + tunnel vision
These seem to contradict each other too much. Does any of that observant nature continue into her tunnel vision? Like, even if she's completely focused on the enemy, is she still aware of what's going on around her so that she can avoid sneak attacks from other people? Is she aware enough of her surroundings to pick out traps that the enemy might have laid for her?

I noticed it too, and he makes good points. Please expand, I want to know how these conflict or compliment each other!

-Will add more later, probably.-
PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:56 am


I removed that part of "observant" for now. I couldn't describe what I wanted for it. Maybe my sleepy brain will come up with a better description.

Byagane319

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x___Doctor Ruri

PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 2:30 pm


Okay. Just before I crit ANYTHING else. Get rid of the copyrighted images. Those belong to THOSE artists, and its probably just a pet peeve of mine but I HATE seeing people use MY art for THEIR oc characters. It's like....you did not commish me to draw that for you. It's mine. Take it off. That's really just more of a courtesy thing. If you'd like some art/references, please ask someone in the thread. I'm sure one of us would LOVE to do it for you. o 3o

Now onto the real crit.

Name/Allegiance::
I like her name. Interesting in a strange sort of way. I have no idea what nationality you're going for though. Japanese?

I really don't 'get' her hate for nobles. You really shouldn't be so vague, and everybody on the Legion side seems to have the same reason for being Legion 'against the nobles' and hatred for them. It'd be nice to see something a little more refreshing.

Path/Magic/Weapons::
Soooooo did she steal her swords from those two noble guys? Or....what? Again, your description is INSANELY vague. Keep in mind, I'm not looking at the whole picture yet, I'm doing this section by section as someone would READ it. So so far you're really really confusing and kinda foggy on descriptions. Tighten those up.

Also, I honestly think, that while it's good she doesn't care if she hurts innocent people or even comrades while she's fighting......I think it's a cop out for a warrior path to have magic. Just saying. To me it didn't seem like they could USE heavy magic, like what you're describing. Maybe minor magic, but it's not something they're truly trained in. For someone SO SET on the path of a warrior alone, it doesn't make sense for her to know deadly magic that can hurt a crowd around her when she doesn't watch it. It honestly seems like you're trying to be both a Warrior and a Priest all in one, and that's not cool, because you have in her 'Path' section that she's ALL warrior ALL the time.

Okay see, you should've put that they were her brother's swords up in the first section talking about her swords. Because you say she doesn't speak about them OR the nobles she killed. And it gets confusing. I like how you had her weapon 'evolve' as she did though. Nice touches.

Appearance::
Yeah, I don't like this because for the most part, unless you change SOMETHING about her, you look like you're stealing from the pictures you have up from other artists. That really bothers me. I know you're looking for references for her, but don't take attributes DIRECTLY from someone else's design.

Her clothing is solid and nice though, fits the theme of a ninja. Again, I cannot see her using magic because her clothes lend more towards silence/fighting than magic. Full range of motion is a fighter's thing, a magician doesn't care if they can move unless their particular brand of magic calls for it.

Personality::
Tunnel Vision + Observant=no go. It just doesn't work. When someone is so enraged they go berserk and can't think of anything but their goal, they're not going to notice the guy sneaking up behind them to slit their throat when the guy in front is taunting them. It's simply not feasible.

Noble Hatred:: Wow, this is so overdone. oAo;; If she thinks they're so blood thirsty and she LIKES causing pain, does she not realize she could be blood thirsty herself? Are there underlying issues with that, or is she really so single-minded she can't take a look in the mirror? Why wouldn't she take advantage of being a Noble just for the sake of whole-sale slaughter which seems to be to her liking?

Tunnel Vision people are also not great Tacticians. I know, my brother is one of them at the gym. Tunnel vision people are more 'OMG I AM MAD HULK MUST SMASH' and don't think through tactics or strategy. It just doesn't fit well.

That being said, I like how she's this furious, violent creature on the outside, and on the inside she's aching and lonely. It gives her more than one dimension, it just needs to be polished a bit, and everything else in her personality needs looking at so that the tunnel vision/loneliness shine and work for you.

Hobbies::
I like the training aspect. It shows that she follows through with ruthless dedication, though again, I don't think that magic would be a good fit for her. It just kinda seems like you're making a Naruto ninja with fins instead of a true ninja warrior (like the ACTUAL ninjas who used smoke bombs instead of magic because magic doesn't exist in the real world) of the old time period.

Instead of 'spying' and whatnot, why not just change it to 'spiritual insight' or 'stargazing'? Because her stargazing seems like a very spiritual thing to me, rather than just a past time activity.

I love her Bonsai trees though. o 3o Not something you'd expect from someone.

Gardening is a little 'meh', but I like how she plants poisonous plants as well. :3 She could use those for chemicals/toxins to use against others, so I think that fits in better with a 'natural warrior' than a ninja that has super sekrit magic powers.

History::
Eh. You could kinda see that coming honestly. Earlier in the profile, it's not clear the the 'two nobles' she never speaks of are her brothers. You might wanna fix that, because it's annoying to try and guess until you read the history. It's clever that she used snakes to kill her brothers, but again, if she gets REALLY angry would she be able to honestly plan that out if she has tunnel vision? And why didn't she have a problem at ALL killing her brothers? Even if they killed their parents, most kids would have a problem killing their big brothers that they love and played with.

Is she just naturally sadistic and cruel? To me it seems like she's truly one of those sickos that loves torture for the sake of torture from birth, and the Empire just kinda lets her do that and gives her a validated REASON to torture others. She seems very one dimensional at this point. And usually crazy people aren't one dimensional. It's slightly disappointing, and I really hope you work hard on it, because she could be an awesome character if you work on her some more. Right now she's kinda 'meh'.

4/1o


PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 7:45 pm


Ok made some changes.

I removed the pictures, its the first time anyone ever said anything to me about that in a quest thread. Didn't know it annoyed people.

I did mention her name is Japanese. I had forgotten to put that in since Japan doesn't technically exist here.

Expanded her hatred of nobles to include a bit of the history of why.

Also changed her magic using. She does use minor magic but not while in combat. Only during the mission. In legend Ninjas did use a form of "hand seal" magic, it was called kuji-kiri. It just wasn't exclusive to them but some famous ninjas were said to use it.

As for her look I made her description BEFORE I ever found artwork. I always make my character first then go look for reference pictures. I did not steal any details from those pieces of art. Everything about her was all my own idea, I just happen to find pictures that matched her description really well.

I removed all reference to tunnel vision.

Gave more depth to her noble-hating.

Gave more depth to gardening.

Gave her some regret in killing her brothers but explained why she did it. As in what turned her against them.

Byagane319

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x___Doctor Ruri

PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 8:55 pm


KO WILL CRIT ASAP.

--
Ko is currently busy, but this is a note to say that she has not forgotten your request for crits. :3

After she's done with life-eating Physics homework, she will try and crit later this week, or next weekend, starting Fri.
PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 9:19 pm


Your reasons for Hakkyou siding with the Legion is a little convoluted. At least the first line. I don't quite get it. She sides with the Legion because they're selfish?

Her weapons and fighting are a little basic, but otherwise fine. Same with appearance and clothing. It's good that you took out the reference pictures; it's best to just come up with your own designs, rather than base them on others. ^_^

Her personality, on the other hand, is still incredibly stereotypical and one-sided. While all of her traits work together and aren't contradictory, she is a very black and white character without much depth to her. She hates the nobles, is bloodthirsty and vicious, yet lonely on the inside and craves friendship - it's very basic and could use more depth. Try and come up iwth some other aspects to her personality that maybe are a little different, that could maybe work more towards a more well-rounded personality.

Her hobbies are interesting, though a little strange considering how bloodthirsty she is. But that makes it more unique, so it's not a bad thing.

Her history is okay, nothing too complicated or particularly outstanding, but it's just all right. Following what Ruri said, make sure that you try to make her more than just one-dimensional.

A little more tweaking, and you could have a really great character here. Keep it up! =)

kuropeco
Vice Captain

Dramatic Marshmallow


Byagane319

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:52 am


I made it a bit more clear as to why she joined the Legion. Something more practical as it were.

Gave some description to the weapons. Also have commissioned an artist to help make a picture.

Removed the Observant trait and combined it with Tactician. Gave her a competitive personality as well. It applies to fighting and to games, sorta tieing into her history as well as her tactical nature. Also gives her a chance to interact more. Also described in "Lonely" how being raised in small community on a farm makes it difficult for her to be social in a big city.

Two of her hobbies come from her rural background. Gardening and her mother gave her the bonsai tree.

Lastly I gave some more depth to her history, specifically her brothers reasons for deserting and their ideas for the future. Then Hakkyou's killing of them has been given more thought.
PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 7:41 am


Okay, so far I agree with the comments put above. You might want to go over Kazu's spellling/grammar tips, too. You missed a few.

And, since I'm pretty new at this, I'm going to hold off giving a rating or something. "^^ I'll just mention three points that really got to me.

First- Her traits tie into each other pretty well. I can see her as someone you'd roleplay as. But for the 'Noble Hatred' trait, you might want to add a little, 'see history' or 'because of her past' in there, because I,for one, was very confused on why she hated nobles until I got to her past. Also, instead of 'Noble Hatred', why don't you put an adjective, like 'Vindicated', or 'Bloodthirsty'? Maybe even Noble-hating? Since that's an adjective, it would fit in better with the other adjectives that you used to describe her personality. For 'Tactician', why don't you put 'Tactical'? Again, try not to use nouns to dexcribe her behavior while using adjectives as well. (But then, if all the other personality traits were nouns, I wouldn't have a problem. Be consistent)

Second- She is quite a character. Very, very bloodthirsty, and I would still like to see her softer side come out a bit. Not too much, but just enough to see that she does have one. After all, one can't all be so evil and antagonistic all the time, hm? What she ends up having kids? Would they like a mom who's so driven by hatred all the time? You've kind of shown me who she could be with the 'Lonely' trait and her history (which I both like very much), but not enough.

Third- Um, her hobbies. Doesn't the bonsai-tree thingy pretty much go into gardening'? You might want to meld those two hobbies together or something. Like maybe a poisionous Bonsai tree. *u* Ignore that.
Anyways, You could add another quirky hobby for her, like 'Cooking' or something (I have this wierd desire to see a warrior character make food.) But you can add something else that would be slightly humorous, but also tie into her 'Lonely' trait. Personally, I think the poison thing works, but your normal, average 'Gardening' hobby is used too much. (For my character, I put Oceanic Gardening. SEAWEED.) Maybe 'Chemistry' or something? Like the way she experiments with poisons and such? Anyways, just make her 'Gardening' hobby a bit less predictable. Still, I'm glad you added the tree hobby in there, because without it, you don't see much of her softer side. Remember, we want a balanced character.

Again, I like her name, 'Hakkyou', but what was her real/whole name? What did it mean? Will she find out why her brothers kill her parents? Will the be revealed in roleplay?

Good work, but remember not everyone, especially a girl like us, can be that cruel. (:

Faylun


Byagane319

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 7:51 am


I changed the two adjectives. I may ask the lovely Kazu to go back over it again since I typed up some stuff.

I tried to show her softer side with her gardening and loneliness. Also she does love games, it's hard to be blood thirsty while playing Go. I guess I need to show how she's not "evil rawr nobles!" all the time. Mostly just during battle.

I'm not sure if bonsai tree growing really counts as gardening but I'll look at it.

I clarified that Hakkyou is her real first name, her real last name is shown in her family members. lol basically she was "Insane Farmer". Oh I plan for a final confrontation between herself and the benefactor who made the swords and convinced her brothers to betray the family. But that's when she becomes a captain.
PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 8:07 am


Crit time!

A warning in advanced: if I come off as mean or harsh, please know that I do not mean to. It's not my intention at all. All I want to do is provide helpful, constructive criticism in order to help better your character. Having said that, on to the actual critique:

Name;
If Hakkyou is not her true first name, I am curious to know what is. I highly doubt that her parents would actually name her something that means "insanity" unless the two of them had something not right with them upstairs. Her parents seem to be normal people overall, so I think it would be best if you stated her first name as well. Nothing wrong with keeping Hakkyou as a nickname or something she is called by the people in the village, but as her legitimate name...I just don't find it all that plausible. 8|

Alliance;
This is alright. Kinda meh. A lot of the Legion members hate Nobles for various reasons. I don't think just because she killed two Noble members already, though, is good enough reason for her to hate them all. Just because you hate two people in a certain group doesn't necessarily mean you would hate all of the people in said group. You know what I mean? I dunno -- I guess I just want to see a more defined reason as to why she is with the Legion.

Path;
This is rather legit. I can see that she's a warrior and why she's more suited to this than another path.

Magic Style;
I'm fine with this, too. Though you should probably keep in mind that if she got into a big, huge fight one day (say an actual war battle or something), it might be a bit difficult to do small hand spells and still fend people off with a sword. Unless she could do it one handed or something, then it might work out. Even then, though, I'd still say to be careful. o Ao

Weapons;
I don't think Lunarians are allowed to have weapons at the student stage? If they were, I think they would be pictured with them. Don't quote me, though! I'm not one hundred percent sure. As for her weapons at her other stages...I can see her having two ninjato at one stage, and then melting them together for her captain stage into one, but I doubt she'd be able to melt them herself. That sort of thing takes a master craftsman, otherwise they probably wouldn't turn out very good. The bladed-staff part also seems to be a bit much.

Physical Apperance;
First off, lemme say that I'm glad you took down the pictures. It's so easy to go off of other references, rather than just coming up with something on your own. Anyway, back to the actual crit: you say she has long, LONG hair that she could use as a distraction, but I also view this as something that could be detrimental to her. Sure, she could use it to catch someone off guard, but at the same time someone else could use her hair to their advantage, too. If I were a Noble and I were fighting against her, I probably wouldn't hesitate for a second to grab on to a big, long ponytail and yank on it. In short, I guess I'd say she should at least keep it to a relatively normal length. Anything aside from that would probably be pushing it a bit.

Clothing;
This section is pretty cut and dry. I don't really have much to say on it~

Personality;
I'd think about changing the Noble Hatred section. Like I've mentioned before, most of the Legion members have reason for not liking the Nobles. Their reasoning doesn't even need to be that severe, either. It just seems like something that makes her really one-dimensional, as it is something that most of the Legion members share with one another.

I like the fact that she is tactical and rather competitive. Even that fact that she is lonely is something that I can understand. I guess part of me just wants to see something about her personality that is a bit more positive. Sure, she is lonely, but is she kind to Legion supporters? Is she helpful? Friendly in trying to get to know them? Try to think of a more positive trait for her to have - one that doesn't focus so much on her ability in battle and what have you, since not all personalities have to deal with what a person can offer on the field.

Hobbies;
Bonsai trees and gardening are great hobbies. I really like them, and I think that they are original. Definitely ones you should keep. Training is alright. Kinda meh in terms of originality, since I'm sure those on the warrior path from both sides enjoy training and honing their skills. Since you put an emphasis on how she likes to learn about pressure points, maybe you could narrow it down to something like kinesiology - the study of how the body moves? I think that would be a better, more creative fit. I also think the whole Ninjaing in the Night hobby should be changed. Stargazing, as suggested by Ruri, would be a good one, I think.

History;
I'll be brief with this. The main thing that bothered me was the whole fact that she could run through the rice paddy without getting bitten by a snake, yet her brothers ran through it, too, and they both ended up getting bitten. Sorry, but this is something that I don't think is plausible, since if a snake can bite her brothers, they are certainly just as likely to bite her as well. They won't be able to differentiate between who they are supposed to bite and who they aren't.

I guess I also don't see why her brothers would turn on her parents so fast and kill them, especially if they had such a normal upbringing otherwise. Unless they were brainwashed, basically, but someone else, I dunno...I just can't see it. It's a little extreme to have her brothers kill off her parents. Every Lunarian doesn't have to have an uber dramatic history, remember. Sometimes just a normal background can be just as refreshing (if not more so) than a tragic one.

--

That's everything, basically. I hope some of what I have said has helped you to help better your character. I won't give you a number rating, since that's not really my thing. But yes -- just go back and look over some things again, tweak them a bit, and you'll be good to go.

Mriae

Devoted Cleric


Byagane319

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 8:54 am


Ok, I gave her a real name but she just doesn't use it. Something more appropriate.

Tried again to give a good reason for her allegiance.

It is stated in her magic style that she doesn't use it during combat. Only when she is being all "sneaky sneaky".

I didn't know if they were allowed either so I just made it and will change it if they aren't.

Took off the extra long, she'll just have typical long hair.

Changed Noble Hating to Rough around the edges due to her sort of "backwoods" upbringing.

Changed training to star gazing.

She didn't get bitten because she knew where they were. She used her tactical mind to trick her brothers into running through them. I changed their disappearance to a few years to give them a better time frame to want to turn on their family. That means they don't remember where all the nests normally are.
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