Soon it would be her birthday, it should be a happy thing to celebrate. If not the memory last for her on that special day was traumatic.

Her birth wasn't blessed, her father didn't appreciate her appearance on this world - twin daughters shortly after losing the precious sole son. It was unfortunate, he believed the new born were evil. The girl on flat sandals headed towards the cliff that faced the ocean, hair blew in the wind. It would be the best place for what she was going to do. Her clothing was difficult from her usual look, a simple white mini summer swing dress, a sheer cardigan covering her bare shoulder. On her side, a small handbag hung on her shoulder.

She didn't tell anyone it would be her birthday after two weeks, her footsteps were not bouncy or cheerful. They were light, slow and quiet. lonely humming would be heard, her hands put at the back didn't bother to take away the hair blew on her face, as she knew they will slide off her face when the wind came again. She wasn't wearing her glasses.

It didn't take long for the lone girl to reach her destination, beneath it, the loud waves thrashing the rocks. She sat down, unzipped the bag and took some papers out. They would be folded into flower or animals as small gifts for her friends, but that day they had a different role.

Taking one out the piles, she put the handbag onto the papers that would otherwise blown away. Her legs swung gently in mid-air, humming melody that you might hear from a music box, soft and light. It was dangerous but she didn't care. She didn't bring her phone, she was out of twitter drama. It was a day she needed to be alone. Folding the rattling paper into half, and then the two top corners towards the middle line, it was obvious that what she was folding were little paper planes. She finished that one and took another paper to make a second one, a third one and so on. All were as white as she was that day.

Eventually, many white little planes piled up on her pretty white dress. She shoved the plane together, took one and flew it off the cliff, watching it slowly drifted in the air before dropping into ocean. She wasn't good at folding planes, but it was enough.

If only her feelings would be sent out and left her forever like those planes, but nope. She wished she could be the wizards in that famous fantasy series, one spell and she could forget things she didn't want to keep. Cosplaying as another character was fun, she could pretend she was that character enjoying a totally different life, someone which wasn't Shu. Just like Edgar who believed he was a prince and fell in love with a princess named Kiki. Leslie had said reality was reality, and she was stupid to wish for something non-existing. He had a mature mind while she just wanted to be a crybaby forever.

The plane sent out again swirled in the mid-air, didn't fly straight for a distance before slumping vertically. It looks like the roller coaster ride that day where she should have a lot of fun on, screaming and cheering in excitement. All merry memories vanished as the people involved were not on her side. The small smile dimmed.

Maybe she should stay in the Wonderland forever, ignoring her promise and everything. Mimsy and Robert looked so happy there, they could marry whatever times they wanted without being judged. The dormouse would only sniffle on her handkerchief, commenting how beautimous and mouvelous it was; and they - they can have the bells, birds and giant gold stars and every citizen congratulate them, only positive responses and nothing else. She giggled. She would be the happy little rabbit girl forever, having her little adventure, making friends without sulking. She still won't be their most important person, but she would feel it family more.

The wind whiffed across her face felt humid, she realized she was unconsciously crying. It was silent and calm tears that she couldn't notice. It was the third plane she tossed, it flew skywards and like an exhausted person, it sank. Have she tried hard enough to let people like her? Or her endeavours were futile like the plane sank into nowhere? Dylon said she was good and she only needed to be herself, she knew what he meant but she couldn't change it that easily.

Since she was a little girl, she already began her journey to make others please, at least don't hate her. Among all, she would like her father to like her, but she never succeed to do so if not getting him angry. He never hug her, he never offer her piggyback ride like other kids's father, he only would hit her when she did something wrong. He shaped her for what she was, afraid to be left behind, scared to be ignored or hated. She used to cling to her siblings for the security she desired, but neither of them was on this foreign island.

They said she was naive, innocent like a kid but she had such a complicated mindset besides her dreamy imaginative that she didn't show. It didn't mean she deliberately hide it, just nobody had touched that side. They didn't bother to go that far.

The salt she smelt in the breeze was pleasant, like tears. She didn't cry much, the most two times in front of someone. Once she was drunken, denying she had hurt her best friend. She didn't unriddle why she came to him but she did and maybe say many things he wasn't interested before she cried like a baby. Only in drunk she allowed herself to do so because she was guilty. However, the sweet girl forgave her, reassured her with magical coos and hum, her body was warm and comfortable as she promised each other knights.

She wished that was enough but sadly it wasn't the truth. Whenever she had made new friends, she was happy that Noemi had more people to love her but at the same time afraid. She scared that she wasn't good enough for her best friend, she afraid that someone came later would steal the position that was once belonged to her. Yet, she knew she didn't deserve to keep that precious seat and shouldn't ask for more. Thus, she watched, just watched from afar.

Each plane represented a clip of memory with someone she met, she hoped she could throw them away, whether it was wish for their happiness or negative feelings. When the sun set and rose again, she would be the cheerful girl again. The mission that was so hurtful gave her more power, Mr. Thompson said she was more formidable than what her appearance showed, she cherished and memorized his words. It was a recognition of the efforts she made, the collective hard work of Z and her alone. Z was always there whenever she needed someone, scolding her stupidity or teasing. He guaranteed her she would never be alone because they were bound together. He would upset her, make her angry or laugh but he never make her cry. She always wonder what would happen if he was a friend of her instead of weapon.

"I would find some hot chicks and leave you there." She had requested his hiding for just one day so he won't be there sassing as usual. It was just her mimicry, the wave and the wind. It was peaceful and quiet, unlike the training fields, cafeteria filled with gossips or the corridors that flirting would happen.

Staring at the ocean was serene, it reminded her of the little talk with Jordan. He was her teacher, the first one introduced her to spar and how to use her hammer. If not his helping, she'd spent a long way before finding her combat style. He was charming, nice and patient but he was merely a human being like she did. She constantly worried about if he hurt when he was used as a weak point in twitter clatters involving the people he loved but she didn't have much experiences on that topic to help. She was that useless when it came to the matter of love though she understood the feeling of leaving behind, she wanted to cheer him up even a few seconds but she wasn't capable of that.

She'd said if she was Kostya, she would go for Mimsy and asked if she didn't need him anymore. However, could she really do that? Knowing she wasn't the best but reluctant to let go, stay behind and let the agony take her down while watching another two that gave no space for a third person. She hardly can nod and firmly say she could, she would do it.

The last plane flew away, there was nothing left on her dress. She loved talking and chirps like a little annoying bird. She liked to make friends and regarded them as friends. The girl pressed down the hem that got blown up and thought who would go to her actively, asking her out for fun. The answer was pathetic, she could hardly think of any name. They all had their friends, more important than her existence, it was always her who went for them. It was always her suggesting they do something together. They formed a circle, hands holding hands and she was outside.

A bitter smile formed on her face, she grabbed her bag again and pulled out four papers, four colors for four of them: hearty autumn orange red, tender teal, sweet peach pink and secure cobalt blue. Maybe she shouldn't go to Disneyland, everywhere she saw the memories with her siblings. It was lucky that it was with someone she didn't know well, the hunter named Jack didn't give her too much attention on her reminiscing journey. They didn't get any plushies like last time and that date wasn't her birthday. She took photos with the princesses, walked along the wide lane decorated with Halloween accessories and tried to overwrite her painful memories with something happy about the amusement park but she failed. Tickets wasted, it wasn't the person but herself to blame, her siblings meant too much for her. They served like an heavy anchor making her sink but she had no will to get rid of it.

The planes were finished, two on each hand, they were sent out together. Shu watched as three of them dropped while the pink little one drifted in flight, stumbling along the bright blue sky on its own. It was the one that lasted the longest, until the little plane was too far to see its ending. A twinge of pain stabbed her heart and tears overthrown, they were like their stories, no happy ending.

"I missed you" she cried, breaking the silence. She let the liquids stained her dress, they fell like persistent rain droplets. "I missed you." She repeated, creasing the fabric that was once smooth. She'd apologized to Noemi for what she did to her, but not them. She was frozen even she was sent to hospital, sat on the couch with all the blood stained all over her, when she fell onto the floor because of the slaps. She left without attending their funerals, without saying goodbye face-to-face. All she could do was saying it in her heart one after another, the apologies if materialized would make a little hill. "I am sorry." One more added to the count. "I will find you and make my apology" she renewed her promise, "I'll live as long as I could." She felt the saltiness when she closed her mouth, the tears found their way to somewhere they could be held.

It was a ritual to renew the promise when it was near her birthday, a ceremony of her own. She didn't say anything more, allowed the tears dropped until she could be calmed, braced up by the ambient atmosphere. Pulling the cardigan on her shoulder, she slid up her bare legs and rested her head on her knees. She loved to curl up, liking hiding her heart through layers and layers of protection that it couldn't be hurt, it felt safe. The cool wind brushes over the cold bare feet, the sandals were put aside, she felt cold from inside out but nobody can warm them up.

Tomorrow, she can smile again. Tomorrow, she could be as bright as the sun once again.

The sunset was great without obstacles in her tear-filled eyes, vague but beautiful.