Welcome to Gaia! ::

::Clumsily, she swishes her imaginary sword once more, hoping to be rewarded with a small giggle at her efforts. Nothing. Grabbing a flower from her basket, she bobs the small child on the head, hoping to get any reaction from her. Nothing yet again. With a sigh, she flourishes the flower around in the air, attempting to work out her frustration at the speechless child.

Out of the corner of her eye, a figure approaches. Instead of offering the figure her full attention, she turns only slightly. It could not be considered the smartest of things to approach a magic wielder, cleric or not, in the dead of night. The slightest movement could be interpreted as an attack and thus defended against with deadly intentions. Quickly, the tension was cut by sharp chatter coming from the... male figure she now deduced.::





::While apparently he found his voice calming, his demeanor perhaps even debonair or charming, the only thing she saw before her was a nervous boy. Words tumbled out of him quickly and without grace of someone well learned. He stared at her, attempting to figure something out. She revealed nothing, bestowing on him only a blank stare as she half listened to his witless banter. Now, if he had said something more useful to her, such as where Aniur might be off to, she might have listened a bit more carefully. Instead he mumbled something about how she looked like she needed a meal.

As he turned to leave, her eyes narrow at him, throughly disgusted that her mock sword battle/operation bring child out of shell had been interrupted. Just as quickly as he appeared, the boy then wandered off, mumbling something to himself that made sense only to him. It was quite a sight to behold, considering how late in the evening it was. Looking down at the child, she gives her a small wink.::

“He must be a new one and young at that. It's always those ones who try to jump at any chance to impress Aniur the most. I think it just bothers her though. Something about a bull in a china shop...”

: razz ondering this thought for a moment, she looks up at the cloud dotted, dark sky. The moon hung low, promising something in the way of a harvest gold in the following nights. She could see her breath rising in vapors towards the heavens.

After a moment, she looked back down at the girl who seemed to be asleep on her feet. Her small charge seemed to be just as asleep.::

“Well, well, well. I suppose it's too late for you to eat anyways.”

::Smiling, she picks the child up in her arms, careful not to wake her.

Mentally thumbing through a map of the abbey, she remembered that Aniur has said there was a private room for her past the student's dorms on the second floor. Quickly she decided thats where she would go and retire for the night. It wouldn't do to run into her old friend all ragged and worn.

The weight of the child started to weigh on her a bit and her back began to throb dully.::

On to it...

You Will Never Be A Man

Indeed, but I wait for someone to speak up and say "I don't believe that's how you do it, give me proof!". Which then I would have to bury them in facts of the English language.
Note: I italicized and put my corrections in orange this time.



This was really fantastic. You really have a good creative streak in you. There were a few things I changed. In the first sentence you talk about the flower being in front, but you never say where. You make the readers assume that it is in front of you, but it could very well be not. Could be in front of the vegetable garden, or the practice dummies. Always make things perfectly clear. Never leave a person wondering. The same with that sentence where you decide to resort to damaging the flower. You say feeling, but not what type. I assume its great frustration at the fact you can't get it to be quiet. I also assume that it would be better because your character would be relieved of his frustration as a result of being violent.



"Could" has to do with possibility or the ability of being able to see this occurrence. The phrase "was able" has more to do with a past occurrence or very specific achievement.
"I was able to finish my homework on time."
"She was able to catch the bus."
Normally when dealing with the five sentences, you want to use "could". We don't need that for the fear on the flower's face because you aren't directing people to see/look at it. Instead, here we can use imagery to convey comprehension of what is happening to come over the flower as I did above. I decided on "fell". You could have used washed or any number of verbs. :3
That second part it seems as if your character is thinking that the flower sounded tough, while its voice was really cracking. Be sure to mention that in the sentence itself.



I changed "went" to "gone" because you are in the moment. Your character has gone off to some little place in his head and he's not coming back. If you were taking about a past trip to wonderland, then you would have used "went".
"He" is put in there because you need a subject to do the pulling for you. Never leave your sentence without a subject. You can get by with just "he pulled" because you already stated in some prior sentences what is happening in this scenario.
Ohh, hes so malicious. XD This character is perfectly wonderful to read about. >> I'm so glad you decided to have me as your teacher.



Perfect. Again. I really love this post. Oh it shouldn't, but it cracks me up so.

Rank reassigned to Competent, High.

You Will Never Be A Man

Deugaro twitched as sounds echoed through the abbey, laughing, talking and singing. Did no one understand how to be quiet?

He picked himself up of the stone wall seeing as there was no more need to feign sleep, as his body could regain no more energy or fix any more wounds.
He sighed and added another handful of twigs to his fire.
"When will I die... when may I be allowed peace?", he thought sadly.
"We are not allowed peace, Fate took peace and godhood from us as payment to reincarnate us with her, M-r-- Te--est."
It had always been like this, he could never figure out her name. The madman knew it but he couldn't understand it.

The assassin removed his cloak, folding it into a neat little rectangle and took off his boots, setting them on top. He could now run quietly and next to invisible, thanks to his dark clothing.

He started a small jog along the defensive wall, his muscles warming up. The assassin nimbly skirted around sections of crumbling stone and leapt over places where entire stones had fallen out.

As Deugaro turned the first corner he cut loose and began sprinting, his long legs quickly allowing him to reach the next wall. When the Phoenican finally turned the corner he started running almost parallel to the ground, this technique was called a shadow dash. Detail was so much clearer when pushing the body to its limits, the moss growing on the wall, a few weeds that have managed to survive, flying rabbit, insane man running around in the grounds, a grappling hook.
...
Wait a second.

The Phoenican turned on a dime and, without losing any momentum, ran back to the offending item. The hook was covered in some sort of tan cloth with writing on it, as he touched it a feeling of tiredness returned.
"Double effect, no doubt this place has a ward or two and this cloth drains magic to the point of negation, it also functions as a sound dampener.", he thought.
Deugaro peeked over the wall to see a person attempting to sneak in, it seemed to be about half way.
"There is no need to wake anyone... a simple solution is available."
The dark man's eyes sought out a section of broken stone he could use and he found one at the bottom of the wall.

"Dakoon."
Tendrils of invisible power wrapped around the small square boulder as he lifted the object from the top of the wall, a small following of sand coming with it. He held it over the wannabe infiltrator and swung it down on unsuspecting victim, with the force of a cannon.
"On second thought maybe I shouldn't have-"

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud thump as the large stone struck the ground and also provided a gravestone. He looked over again and saw the bloody impact point.

"Double effect.", he whispered, well aware of his sardonic statement. "Dakoon."
The assassin picked up the magic draining cloth, along with grapple and rope, and tossed them into the abyssmal infinity known as Dakoon.
He restarted his premorning run, only 100 laps to go.
By the time he finished, it would be morning.

"Gehhhhh, where in the three blazes is this blasted building!"
This roar that cut through the night originated from a sprinting stocky character carrying a halberd.

He wore a complete suit of iron armor with glowing red glyphs on it, shaped into skulls. The armor thinned around his slightly rounded stomach and increased to the size of cannonballs around his shoulders. He has an odd habit of detaching his shoulder ball armor, which is attached to a good length of chain, and using it as a ball to throw at... anything really. A long toothpick jutted out of his mouth... and through his faceplate.
He arrived at a crossroads and stopped, skidding.
"Ehhh... Ah crap!", he yelled, an odd accent to his and voice and toothpick waggling up and down. "I hate multiple paths. I choose the wrong one and I'll end up in the middle of nowhere."

He slammed his halberd into the ground, burying the amber spiked pommel and flicked the obsidian shaft with an armored finger.
"Eh? Oh what now idiot, you get lost... again?", a voice resonated from the weapon. "I suppose you want me to find your right path huh?"
The short man spit his toothpick into the ground at his feet and removed his helmet, revealing his unkempt, light brown hair and severely scarred and burned face. His eyebrows were extremely long and jumped out the side of his head in almost a comical fashion.
He was an ugly man though, a few steps away from vomit at first sight... and double-take.

"The name's Gyujiten, get it right Boazel.", his voice was gravelly... definitely not one suited for singing. "If you would be so kind I have a place to be... Blasted warrior god."
"Fine be rude.", the sealed god removed itself from the ground and pointed down the left path. "Don't give ANY kindness to lonely Boazel."
Gyujiten snatched the black weapon out of midair.
"No whining.", he reprimanded, hefting the halberd over his shoulder.
He cackled evilly, his slitted red eyes glinting, before running down the path...
To the Garden Shrine.

Much better. A bit dramatic, but it was so full of feeling. I approve. There were some good history pieces in there too. I assume that he's going to snap out of it in the next post and realize that no one was there. :3

Looks like we mostly have to deal with some picky things this time around.

There should be a comma after "walking on". Here we have one subject, Neo, and two actions, walking and being in the form of "was". "Walking on" needs to be separated from the second action in some way as long as the second action has the subject tacked on. You could have done this a few different ways. The subject could have been tacked on to walking, giving you:


Let's see, this:

Is a bit wordy. It's not wrong exactly, but you could have worded it :

It's cleaner I suppose is the best way to state it. If you try to make your writing too complicated by attempting to produce something that has what you believe to be flair, sometimes all it ends up doing is making the piece more difficult to read. This is just something to keep in mind.
The sentence as a whole kinda runs off into nothing. This can be easily changed though.


Being given the gift and Japan being ruled by the Shogunate are not the main points of the sentence. They just happen to also be happening when the Meiji was in power. Thus the changes.

Other little things to note:
-You don't have to state that your mind is remembering, that is implied. Now if your foot was remembering something, that would be interesting. In all seriousness though, you can say that a certain body part "remembers" an injury when its cold out and hurts. Or other situations like that. Only the mind can remember memories though.
-"Taking in the cool night air" should have a comma after it. This is just like the first thing I corrected you on. :3 "Taking in" is the first action, Stopping is the second followed by a connection by "and", then another action "looked".

Otherwise, it was a very good. A few more posts like this and I'll bump you up into advanced.

Sitting up in his spot, he listens to the sounds of a nearby creek, though not visible, still can be heard. Ah! the sounds of the flowing creek, always relaxing... I wonder where it is? Stands up from the spot, he turns to the shrine and sees a shadow dashing across the walls of the abbey. Hmm, I see that someones getting some excersice before sleep... Maybe I should too... Walks towards the Abbey a bit then turns to the east, facing parallel to the wall. He starts jogging around the building, soon his jog becomes a full run. Follows the walls of the building at every turn. The agility of his physical condition wasn't at it's finest, so at every second of third turn, he'd slip a little.
"Drack! I gotta work on my agility more..." He keeps running around the abbey, but he knows that he'll have to stop eventually. Right now though, he has enough energy to lap this building a few more times. After a couple hours of running, his heart is pounding on his chest, his breathing was heavy, instead of running, he was at almost like a slow walk. Panting like he just carried five tons of bricks, Aurak stops by the west wall. Sure dragons can sweat, but usually it's more perfusive than what a human would do, but he didn't much due to the cool air that kept about 95% of his sweat away. Looks back behind himself, KNOWING that the front door is at the other side to the abbey. Turning rear face, he didn't know if he had enough energy to get back. Continues to pant heavily from his exessive running I... I.... I don't know if I can make it back.... To the... Doors... He tries to get to the door by walking, it does not work as soon as he stepped foward, he crashes onto the ground from exaustion, flat on his chest. His wings sprawled out, his arms and legs positioned like he was climbing the ground, with one arm higher than the other and one leg higher than the other. His head placed flat on the ground, looking foward. He knew he pushed himself too far this time, but it seems that he does it alot. Aeros, his father, has always said; "Don't push yourself too far Aurak, You may be the prodigy, it does not give you the right to push yourself to the brink of exessive pain." Osana motell.... Note to self, Don't over work myself at night... His body felt sore all over, mostly feeling it in the legs of course, though he felt it all over his body. Aeros was right, pushing yourself too far is dangerous. Great! I'm gonna feel this one in the morning... No sooner than after that, his eyes start to lull a bit and then he fell asleep, right there, outside of the Abbey walls on the west side. The dew from the grass was an alright substance to use to fully cool him off, a little steam emits from his scales as he slept from the dew touching his warm body in the cool air.