April 5, 2008
I suppose I should get to writing in this stupid thing... I'm not used to journals, I haven't written in a journal in so long, it just somewhat disturbs me to do so... There are reasons for that, I suppose, and, seeing as this little... Diary thing is under lock and key I suppose I can tell about it...
I think the last time I picked up a journal was when Tae-na died... You see, Tae-na was my fiance waaaaaay back when.. It wasn't a real engagement, I mean, two guys can't ACTUALLY get married where I'm from, after all...
I hated the fact I wasn't there for him when he died... He had heart failure, ya see, and his ticker just couldn't take all the stress he was getting... Homosexuality wasn't... It wasn't very well accepted where we lived. The only reason nothing bad had happened the first few months was because I had still been there for him. To protect him, and care for him... Just like a doting hubsand should.
But my business life called me elsewhere, and I ended up losing everything when he passed on. It wasn't a long engagement, and I didn't have a lot to lose after I left for goddamned America... I don't know what I was thinking, I guess it was just some stupid dream to go where 'dreams come true'.
Let me tell you right now, that is absolute bullshit. I had a better chance of making it back home than I did in that wretched country. Nothing but hypocritical racist bastards, all of them. I hated it there, and I hated the fact that it kept me away from my Tae-Na... That I couldn't afford a plane ticket back to at least.... To at least be there when he died...
Oh dammit, I've gone and gotten the pages wet with my blubbering... Oh well, not like anyone else will see this, right?
Though things started looking up a bit.. I don't think anyone suspects that I'm not the little horndog people think I am... I mainly just hit on people I see that are either : Hitting on me first, depressed, or one of those not so cute types that need some kind of attention..
Tae-Na was like that, really. He was so introverted, hiding under his long hair and scars, that he just didn't like going out and about and meeting people. I about had to pull teeth just to get him to talk to me, after all.. Regardless, back to the matter at hand...
I met this man named... Oh what was it, I can't remember... Let's see, where's that-- Ah, here's the card. His name is Searan. A nice enough bloke, a little too touchy feely for my taste, but he's a good man at heart from what I've heard.
He's got a young daughter who's a treat. Real hyper, though, reminds me of Annie a little (my younger sister back in England). I wonder if she'll visit again...
Either way, I haven't been able to perform yet.. He hired me on as the Lounge Singer for now, said I had a face that people needed to get used to first. It took every ounce of my strength not to deck him for that, but by some small miracle I didn't. I don't know how I keep faking these stupid smiles for people, they say I have a nice one and all..
I wonder what'd happen if I busted out a real one. As a matter of fact, I wonder if I'll find someone who'll actually manage to make me smile..
The bartender almost did it.. I found a picture he drew, actually, it was all crumpled up in the trash and that made me die a little inside. No art should be thrown away so carelessly!
And low and behold there was a picture of me! I must say, it was a damned nice one, too. He even got my good side. There were two other pictures in the trash, but they weren't important enough to me to mention. I didn't know who the third piece was, but the second I THINK was the Boss..
Anyway, I've written for my hour or so.. I think I'll just go ahead and get to doing whatever I do best... Might pluck on my mandolin a bit. Haven't touched the thing in God Knows how long...
I think the last time I picked up a journal was when Tae-na died... You see, Tae-na was my fiance waaaaaay back when.. It wasn't a real engagement, I mean, two guys can't ACTUALLY get married where I'm from, after all...
I hated the fact I wasn't there for him when he died... He had heart failure, ya see, and his ticker just couldn't take all the stress he was getting... Homosexuality wasn't... It wasn't very well accepted where we lived. The only reason nothing bad had happened the first few months was because I had still been there for him. To protect him, and care for him... Just like a doting hubsand should.
But my business life called me elsewhere, and I ended up losing everything when he passed on. It wasn't a long engagement, and I didn't have a lot to lose after I left for goddamned America... I don't know what I was thinking, I guess it was just some stupid dream to go where 'dreams come true'.
Let me tell you right now, that is absolute bullshit. I had a better chance of making it back home than I did in that wretched country. Nothing but hypocritical racist bastards, all of them. I hated it there, and I hated the fact that it kept me away from my Tae-Na... That I couldn't afford a plane ticket back to at least.... To at least be there when he died...
Oh dammit, I've gone and gotten the pages wet with my blubbering... Oh well, not like anyone else will see this, right?
Though things started looking up a bit.. I don't think anyone suspects that I'm not the little horndog people think I am... I mainly just hit on people I see that are either : Hitting on me first, depressed, or one of those not so cute types that need some kind of attention..
Tae-Na was like that, really. He was so introverted, hiding under his long hair and scars, that he just didn't like going out and about and meeting people. I about had to pull teeth just to get him to talk to me, after all.. Regardless, back to the matter at hand...
I met this man named... Oh what was it, I can't remember... Let's see, where's that-- Ah, here's the card. His name is Searan. A nice enough bloke, a little too touchy feely for my taste, but he's a good man at heart from what I've heard.
He's got a young daughter who's a treat. Real hyper, though, reminds me of Annie a little (my younger sister back in England). I wonder if she'll visit again...
Either way, I haven't been able to perform yet.. He hired me on as the Lounge Singer for now, said I had a face that people needed to get used to first. It took every ounce of my strength not to deck him for that, but by some small miracle I didn't. I don't know how I keep faking these stupid smiles for people, they say I have a nice one and all..
I wonder what'd happen if I busted out a real one. As a matter of fact, I wonder if I'll find someone who'll actually manage to make me smile..
The bartender almost did it.. I found a picture he drew, actually, it was all crumpled up in the trash and that made me die a little inside. No art should be thrown away so carelessly!
And low and behold there was a picture of me! I must say, it was a damned nice one, too. He even got my good side. There were two other pictures in the trash, but they weren't important enough to me to mention. I didn't know who the third piece was, but the second I THINK was the Boss..
Anyway, I've written for my hour or so.. I think I'll just go ahead and get to doing whatever I do best... Might pluck on my mandolin a bit. Haven't touched the thing in God Knows how long...
Day Three
April 7, 2008
Still nothing new going on. The cafe hasn't opened yet, and I guess I don't mind.
I still haven't been able to perform, either, which is pissing me off. It's how I relieve stress, after all. Maybe I'll just go out onto the streets after a while and do some street performances like the old days... Like when Searan found me. Ugh, I've never been so embarrassed in all my life...
Tae-na's death anniversary is coming up, it'll be three years this summer. I dread it, I know that his family will be at the grave and I really don't wish to see them. His family consisted of bitter old men and women who thought I was a wretched man for stealing him.
Even accused me of killing him, the blighters.
Like I didn't already know that? A broken heart is the worst thing to die from, after all... And not necessarily broken so much as forlorn.. I still miss him to this day... His picture's in the front if you want to take a look at it.. It's an old shot of him, when we first met. (Coming soon)
I cut out the stupid background, I think it was some old dive where I found him, he was a dancer so he was always jumping about trying to find something good to dance to..
Regardless, I should buy some tiger-lillies and leopard flowers.. Or whatever they're called, I know it's some kind of cat, he had this cat thing going on that he loved a lot, so I always bought him little kitten plushies.. I had to stop leaving them on the graves, though, because I think his eldest brother is tearing them up and leaving them at my old apartment door.
I'm glad there's live in dorms here in the Club.. I don't know if I could have stood another night in that hell hole.. The water looked more like poo and the stove always threatened to catch fire anytime I so much as sneezed.. No heat, no hot water, the microwave and television were the only things in the damn place that worked...
I brought them with me, so I pity the idiot that gets suckered into purchasing the place. I hope my landlady trips down a flight of stairs, she was such a horrible wretch... Old woman was cantankering around the place, walking in without knocking, TAKING money off my side table (I KNOW I HAD A TWENTY THERE DAMMIT!).
They towed my car yesterday, though. I don't care, it wasn't really mine anyway, it was my good-for-nothing father's.. I have no where to go that I can't just walk to or take the bus.. I get enough money here to afford a cab, too, so I'm not all too worried about anything..
I just hope this place opens soon so I can afford a cab for the long drive to and from the graveyard...
Other than that, on a lighter note, I still haven't met all of the staff.. Then again, I suppose that's NOT a lighter note...
There's supposed to be a few more musicians running around to help me out on stage, but I've only seen momentary glances of this violinist and a pianist is around here somewhere... I wonder if they'll ever show up for a practice session or something.
Not that anyone but myself attends these things anymore. It's hard playing an ENTIRE BAND by yourself... Then again, I suppose if I just play my own accompaniment on the piano there'd be no problem... I just dread playing again, that was what got me in the middle of America in the first place.
Stupid dreams. Why did I ever believe dreams actually were real anyhow? Was it Tae who told me that?
Damn....
Well, once again, my hour's up.. I'm going to go and write a few new lyrics... Maybe find some Italian songs to sing if we ever open...
I still haven't been able to perform, either, which is pissing me off. It's how I relieve stress, after all. Maybe I'll just go out onto the streets after a while and do some street performances like the old days... Like when Searan found me. Ugh, I've never been so embarrassed in all my life...
Tae-na's death anniversary is coming up, it'll be three years this summer. I dread it, I know that his family will be at the grave and I really don't wish to see them. His family consisted of bitter old men and women who thought I was a wretched man for stealing him.
Even accused me of killing him, the blighters.
Like I didn't already know that? A broken heart is the worst thing to die from, after all... And not necessarily broken so much as forlorn.. I still miss him to this day... His picture's in the front if you want to take a look at it.. It's an old shot of him, when we first met. (Coming soon)
I cut out the stupid background, I think it was some old dive where I found him, he was a dancer so he was always jumping about trying to find something good to dance to..
Regardless, I should buy some tiger-lillies and leopard flowers.. Or whatever they're called, I know it's some kind of cat, he had this cat thing going on that he loved a lot, so I always bought him little kitten plushies.. I had to stop leaving them on the graves, though, because I think his eldest brother is tearing them up and leaving them at my old apartment door.
I'm glad there's live in dorms here in the Club.. I don't know if I could have stood another night in that hell hole.. The water looked more like poo and the stove always threatened to catch fire anytime I so much as sneezed.. No heat, no hot water, the microwave and television were the only things in the damn place that worked...
I brought them with me, so I pity the idiot that gets suckered into purchasing the place. I hope my landlady trips down a flight of stairs, she was such a horrible wretch... Old woman was cantankering around the place, walking in without knocking, TAKING money off my side table (I KNOW I HAD A TWENTY THERE DAMMIT!).
They towed my car yesterday, though. I don't care, it wasn't really mine anyway, it was my good-for-nothing father's.. I have no where to go that I can't just walk to or take the bus.. I get enough money here to afford a cab, too, so I'm not all too worried about anything..
I just hope this place opens soon so I can afford a cab for the long drive to and from the graveyard...
Other than that, on a lighter note, I still haven't met all of the staff.. Then again, I suppose that's NOT a lighter note...
There's supposed to be a few more musicians running around to help me out on stage, but I've only seen momentary glances of this violinist and a pianist is around here somewhere... I wonder if they'll ever show up for a practice session or something.
Not that anyone but myself attends these things anymore. It's hard playing an ENTIRE BAND by yourself... Then again, I suppose if I just play my own accompaniment on the piano there'd be no problem... I just dread playing again, that was what got me in the middle of America in the first place.
Stupid dreams. Why did I ever believe dreams actually were real anyhow? Was it Tae who told me that?
Damn....
Well, once again, my hour's up.. I'm going to go and write a few new lyrics... Maybe find some Italian songs to sing if we ever open...
