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 Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 8:10 pm
Ok I completely redid her history since it seemed to be just a sore spot that no one liked. Made it a bit more simple but tried to stick somewhat with my original idea of orphanhood.
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Posted: Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:43 pm
Koishi's Crit :>
Organization
This has nothing to do with the character itself, but I’d like to inform you that your quest is a little hard to follow. You refer to things in your first sections that you don’t explain until your later sections, like the twin-swords-that-aren’t-really-twins. This means the person reading your quest has to go through it more than once before she understands the character! Keep your reader in mind—though you may understand what you refer to in your sentences completely, the person reading might not. This can be the difference between a pass or fail simply due to information being in the wrong place!
More organization would be ideal—explain your weapons only in your weapons section, history only in your history section, etc. I will address this again in your ‘Path’ section.
You’ve also missed a couple of spelling/grammar mistakes. Perhaps run it through a spellcheck or read it out loud so you can more easily see where they are.
Path
This makes sense. However, the sentences you have about what the swords look like and where they come from should go under the weapons section for the sake of organization. This is so that, if you end up getting a full custom, Zeph doesn’t have to hunt all over the place for a description.
Personality & Hobbies
Hakkyou’s personality is interesting in that it’s more dark than it is good. I like that you cite examples of the personality traits at work in her everyday life—it provides a good picture of how we can expect her to act.
She still seems pretty one-dimensional, however. Others have commented on this, as well; she seems like a stereotypical killer, seeing as all five of those personality traits are easily found in convicts in real life. I notice that you try to bring out some of the more peaceful, positive side in Hakk in the ‘doll making’ hobby. It would be great if you can incorporate more of that side into the personality section, perhaps under the ‘lonely’ trait. It would do wonders for the depth of your character.
& one more thing; I really like the hobbies you’ve chosen. :>
History
Your history is looking a lot better than it did before! It’s much more plausible now, especially given the war between the Nobles and the Legion. I would not call it completely original, since nothing really jumps out at me, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction. Sometimes simple is indeed better, so if you can't think of anything wildly awesome to put down, it's probably fine.
Family
Pretty basic thus far—you’ve done a good job telling us who the family is.
I’d like to see some explanation of how each family member affected Hakkyou’s personality and/or growth, though. While it’s nice to have family background in your quest, you have to realize that they should only be there to illuminate your character. What about each of the family members makes Hakk who she is today? What did she think of all of them?
You’re doing well with trying to incorporate all of the crits you’ve been given. I hope you take this one into account as well. Just a bit more tweaking and Hakkyou should be ready!
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Posted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 10:11 pm
Hokeh, done some editting.
Moved some things around for better organization. I hope it's better.
I am getting someone to help with grammar so that will be taken care of sooner or later.
Added a few things to "Competitive" and "Lonely" in her personality to give her a bit more depth. I hope that is what is wanted since I'm having trouble seeing how she is a "One dimensional" character.
Added the changing of her name to her history to give it some flavor.
Added more descript to her family members and what they taught her.
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Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 11:48 pm
Someone was kind enough to give me a sketch of her idea of Hakkyou. Its a decent representation. Just missing her normal face mask and her swords are from her Fighter status.
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Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 9:02 pm
Finally got a decent grammar check.
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Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2010 6:33 pm
Recieved awesome art from Mr Yodo of his concept of her. Is so pretty!
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Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2010 11:40 pm
Changed "Cruel" to "Stoic". It fits her personality a lot better and gives room for growth later in her stages.
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Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 2:59 am
Hello <333 I hate critting XD as people know, I feel mean however I want to be honest for it to help you. ;w;
Okay I have just gone through her personality and there is one thing that stands out to me, she has no flaws. Lonely is not a flaw, its a state of mind. Every shop I have entered in have all told me to keep away from it as a flaw because its easily resolved unless you turn it into something more. Her not wanting to talk to people, her isolating herself of purpose. Not wanting friends and connections. If you are going to put down it as a flaw you have to make it something people will not like, thats what a flaw is all about ^^
The rough around the edges thing even though it suits her is not a flaw either, you have to go into it more, explain why people dislike her for this, how she does act in social situations, many female lunarians already made are like that so its not all that uncommon - others would not mind it. XD
It just seems like she is too much of the perfect killer.
This is a site for personality traits - [x]
I like her character I just think she needs a little more work ~ you need to really go into her personality add detail in on how it effects her every day life, the question to ask yourself is always why.
Good luck and if I can help any other way just tell me and I will take a look and try to bounce idea's of you. Just do not give up ^^ ~
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Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:57 am
Well I worked on her personality. I changed "Rought around the edges" to Blunt. I changed "Lonely" to "Insecure" I also went into more explination with her other personality traits.
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 12:12 pm
I am a grammar monster x.x
I like the art you got going for her ;D Very pretty!
Love her hair! XD
" Beyond that she does not use seals in combat. She is quick to make her seals "
This sounds like your contradicting yourself. Does she make seals or not? XD
Does she walk around with half her face covered up all the time? It just seems a little odd to be that she's displaying her abilities out there like that. Since -everyone- would know she's hiding her identity.
" Hakkyou was raised on a farm in a tiny village "
I think the blunt trait you have going suits her well smile
" Her lack of expressive emotion can leave "
" Hakk doesn't like to be judged for her small "
So she is part of an underground fighting ring and gets beaten? Shouldn't she have scars or something like that? Like Elissa said, she sounds a lot like a perfect killer.
" Hakk's ability to observe her surroundings but it seems no one but her sees the path until the end. "
Might wanna revisit this sentence. I'm slightly confused when I read it.
" end has been reached which. "
Which what? Unfinished sentence hehe! :3
" plans to teammates because "
I think you might want to rename her insecure trait. Insecure means not confident or sure... I don't think this fits her description very well.
" Sometimes she swears a star winked at her "
I'm surprised you don't have fighting in her hobbies... if she fights in the rings, and is always training I just think it would be among her hobbies.
Over all, she sounds cool. Just I think she sounds too much like this amazing warrior. Hope this helps! :3
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 12:19 pm
This character really sounds interesting! It sounds like she's fun to RP with and really adds a look into the rougher edges of the Lunarian conflict and culture, which is interesting. However, Hakkyou doesn't seem very dramatic or prone to being sentimental about anything, so why did she change her name after the attack, and why to something like insanity, which doesn't appear to be a real name so much as a description of what became of her after the incident? It does add to her threatening potential and makes her vengeance more pronounced, but it seems like the action of a more dramatic person than she comes off as.
Also, where did her brothers learn pressure point techniques in a small and peaceful village, and why did they feel the need to teach it to her? What age did they start teaching combat to her? She seems to have lost her family at a young age, so how much training was she able to recieve before she lost them, and where did she continue her training after that? In that same vein, did she learn tactics from books, or from instruction, or is it instinctive? A mixture?
Another thing I'm interested to know is how she reacts to noble-sympathetic students and teachers at the Academy, where peace is supposed to reign. What if a noble sympathetic student attempts to start a conversation with her, what would happen?
I really like how her hobbies make her feel more human. Before I read those she seemed sort of more like a typical isolated 'you killed my father, prepare to die' type, but I like the loneliness and flashes of humanity beneath that. It changes her from a cold killer to a professional fighter, and the distance between the two is vast.
I would like to know more about her relatives she lives with now, since I didn't see anything about them in the family profiles.
Grammar:
For many years Hakk repressed her emotions reguarding her villiage's destruction. She refused to talk about what happened.
'regarding' instead of 'reguarding.'
Star Gazing - Late at night, after Hakkyou is done training, she scurries up to her favorite roof and lays there for long hours. Her dark eyes star up into the sky, watching the stars twinkle in the night. She has heard the stories of how there was a star up there connected to her soul. So, when the night sky was clear, she would stare at the sky looking for her star. More than once she wondered if her family was up there, their bodies gone allowing their souls to return to the stars. Sometimes she swore a star winked at her, just like her father always did.
A bit of a tense switch here, from 'Hakkyou is done training...' to 'so, when the night sky was clear.'
She looks like a cool character, good luck! <3
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 12:39 pm
I fixed the grammar mistakes. Thanks so much for that! I have horrible grammar.
Hakk changed her name when she first came to the city, during extreme emotional stress. She's become more stoic since then but decided to keep the name change since people were already calling her that. Plus being called a "Flower" didn't sit well with her dream profession.
Gave more descript into her fighting tech and how she learned it.
I kinda just like her wearing the mask but I can come up with a reason for her to wear it.
I did have fighting in her hobbies at one time but it was suggested I take it out due to her being a fighter anyway.
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 8:56 pm
Alright, here is my crit for you~
Ninjas... Ninjas... Where can I begin... The first thing that popped to my mind was "Sasuke", except for the fact that it wasn't the brother who killed everyone. I suppose Naruto gave me a bad opinion on fictional ninjas, and I can't help but feel that Hakkyou fits into the thing. That's just me, my personal opinion.
What I also found confusion at was why was her village attacked? Were there any other villages that had been attacked before then? In a small town, word spreads fast, so I'm sure that there would have been gossip about the noble advancing towards them beforehand. Once again, that's just me.
I'd like to hear a little more about Hakk's mother's cousin. Since she was sent to live with them, how did that work out?
When it comes to what she can offer the Legion, I can't help but see the words "perfect" and "excellent" as something that seems a little.. Overbearing. If she's perfect in the beginning, why would she have to go to the academy?
.. That Stoic trait.. I'm sorry, It's just not my thing. I understand that you might not want to show people that you're hurting, but I don't understand "WHY"? Sure, being sad about something doesn't make it better, but What about the other emotions? .. Then Again... I'm sure that could make for some fun RPage with people like Sanoh, who just want to make people show emotion and such. Once again, it screams "Sasuke" at me.
Why does she wear the ninja mask?
There is another lingering question to me. Why were the brothers training too?
Sorry, It's not so much as a critique, as a whole bunch of "Why?"s.
I hope it helps!
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 10:17 pm
I didn't even think of him when I created her. In fact the only thing that I connected with Nurato was the hand sign things and maybe the mask. It's sad that people seem to want to shy away from ninjas just because of an anime.
It is explained in her history that the village wouldn't support the nobles and wanted to continue doing things like they always had been. Thats kinda against what the nobles are trying to do and they didn't want the village turning into Legion supporters.
I'll add more about her cousin, i never thought to give her any info.
I'll edit her legion abilities.
I'll try to explain why she's stoic a little more but I like the trait for her.
I'm still coming up with a reason for the mask.
It was said in the Path why her brothers were training. The village practiced non-lethal defence incase they had trouble from travelers.
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 10:51 pm
Well, I have seen some anime that had ninjas and were pretty decent~
I think I misread things, since I started at the bottom, OTL.
Good luck on your quest~
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