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~Entry Two~

I have been raped. Violated. And I am incensed. The place that I was told was to be my sanctuary has been invaded, pillaged, and changed.

Infi threw out some of my favorite clothing. She invaded the very sanctuary she set aside for me, and used it to change me! She replaced the clothes I had carefully selected to be my mourning aparrel, and replaced it with... while admittedly lovely... Blue gowns, and greens, and purples, and reds.... clothes that I didn't choose for myself. She did it without my consent, and that makes me angry.

So I told her.

I yelled at her, in the middle of the upstairs hallway, with Nakshidil staring, and Naira peeking out from her room, and some of the dewis taking bets, and that Crout taking notes in his little profile book of his. And she looked at me, and she listened, and then she said: "Laertes. You don't need mourning clothes. I know, you think that everyone is going to up and leave you, don't you?"

What does she know anyways! Has she ever had anyone leave her? Has she ever had mother after mother start out wonderful, and kind, and sweet, then forget about her? Has she ever been away from her friends for so long, she knows she knows them, but doesn't know anything about them? Doesn't remember past interaction with them, and felt so awkward-!

"Laertes. I am not going to leave you. You have Crout, and Nakshidil, and me, and a herd of pets with human intelligence around here! You have siblings, and friends, and people who would kick my a** if I left you, which I wouldn't." She reached out and pulled me in. She smells... like vanilla. "More than wanting to be your mother, I want you to see me as a friend, Laertes. I don't want you to hesitate to come to me if something happens. If you feel neglected, TELL ME. I will make time for just you."

And then... I just started crying. I don't know what it was, but she gave Crout this helpless look, and it ended up that we were curled up on my bed most the night, drinking hot cocoa with a drop of brandy. Which, I am not supposed to tell anyone about. She's not quite sure what the mansion has to say about underage drinking.

I'm still in mourning, and she has agreed to give me back my black clothes on the condition I wear colors every once in a while. I don't know how I feel. It's nice to know she wants to be my friend, and nicer to know that she truly wants me, but I'm still hesitant. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I've been fooled three times. I don't know who gets the shame there.

*Laertes*

~Entry Four~

I had... a dream. A nightmare? But nightmares aren't supposed to thrill you at the very thought, and almost have it hurt when it isn't real.

Black thigh high leather boots. A short black silk chinese style dress that barely covered my thighs, sleeveless, with silver trimming and a dragon across the chest, and long black gloves that came up past my elbows and matched the boots perfectly. Just enough under the skirt to keep me from dangling everywhere, you know? Easy in, easy out?

I was with Raissen... I remember. We had been drinking, talking about things I can hardly recall.

And then... we were kissing, touching, and his hand was in my hair, and he was pulling me up his body. And he kissed like he was feeding from me, like I was the only water in a desert, and then he was tugging at his own clothes, and my skirt was around my hips, and there was a touch, a tug, there was something, and he was inside. It hurt, and I felt two tears fall, and he kissed them away, sliding deeper, biting lightly at my neck, and doing something else to me.

It felt like hours we spent joined, not just facing each other, my legs around his waist, back to the wall; but one arm wrapped around his neck, the other against the wall, one leg dangling as he supported me and kept me open by holding the other.

And then the warmth. I remember screaming, intense pleasure, his body arching, and that heavy warmth.

And in my dream, I woke up, still wrapped in his arms.

The horrifying part was my enjoyment of it, my enjoyment of the surrender. And the fact that I cried when I woke up, body writhing with the aftershocks of the pleasure I had found in the dream, face down and buried in my pillow.

And it was hell. Because I could see his face so clearly in my mind, as he found his own pleasure.

I could feel something inside me die. I hadn't known I'd felt this way about him.

*Laertes*

~Entry Five~

My family and i were watching a movie the other night. Thw question came up during the course of the film: What would YOU do with three wishes?

Naira's wishes were simple. She'd ask to be big enough to fly on her own; be pointed in the right direction for true love; and then she'd set the genie free because she was sad for it. Nakshidil wanted to grow up to be smart and sexy; marry a sensual, attractive man with lots of money; and live happily ever after. Crout wasn't home, as he'd been out that night doing something.

Kael smiled and watched the fire for a bit. His wish was that the genie would open the eyes of the one he loved, and make him realize just how loved they were. He'd trade all three of his wishes, just for that one.

And Micah didn't answer at all. "Wishes are nice, but that's all they are." he said. Very decisive for a preteen. "If a wish comes true, it becomes real. And it's just human nature to always yearn for something they can't have. Something else will just take its place."

But when it came for me to answer, what could I say? What were my three wishes? What three things did- DO- I want most? I wish a lot of things. I wish I'd never lost my first mother. Or my second, or... any of them. I wish I hadn't gotten drunk ever, and been so sick, and disappointed so many people. I wish I wasn't terrified, even when I pretend to have settled in so well.

I wish I'd never had that dream about Raissen, and that I could look at him without wanting something it isn't my place to have. I wish I could offer him something pure, and that I knew him enough to love him, not just lust for him.

I wish I had someone I could trust with my heart, and with my soul. Someone I could lay down next to, and share my body with, as well as my innermost thoughts. Someone who was lover, and friend, and who needed me the same way I needed them.

I wish I was more exotic, less plain. Even though I'm assured I'm hardly plain, I don't see what makes me anything special. Am I attractive? I wouldn't do me, if I was someone else. My nose is funny, and my ears are small, and my eyes are squinty, and I'm too pale, and my hair is bleh. People say I'm insane for seeing myself like that, but I haven't met someone.... who makes me feel beautiful. I know I don't LOOK like I see myself, but is is so wrong to feel ugly?

Now, on to less depressing stuff:

I am officially a manager at the department store I work at. The new job means longer hours, better pay, and better discounts. Which means more clothes for me. Though, no more evening gowns to work. Though I did get to wear an adorable pinstripe miniskirt suit ensemble. Some little kid asked me if I was a woman, what with my legs and all. It was embarassing. Short skirts will be kept to a minimum while working in the mall too.

Anyways, enough chattering. I've got other things to do, more important things than regretting, and looking at male clothews that I've no interest in wearing.

Unless it's Armani.

*Laertes*

~Entry Six~

I've been drained lately. The entire world seems to spin around me, and it's stifling me. Sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe. How do you know if you are in love with someone, or in lust with them? Is it always lust at first? Or is there such a thing as love at first sight? Can you love someone who terrifies you?

After the night I went drinking, I don't know what happened. I woke up, with a killer headache, naked, sprawled across my bed. My entire body felt cold, as if the blood had frozen in my veins. And when the first thing I saw was Nakshidil's lime green carebear she'd left in my room, I panicked. I don't know what happened, just screaming, and screaming, and then Infi and Crout, and everyone was there, and I was crying and freaking, and I don't know why.

It's just... really, really..... freaky.

But in other news, I have taken up bellydancing officially. Though after the instructor demanded to see me in the female version of the outfit, I almost quit. Note to self: I do NOT look good in a top meant for creatures with boobs. There's only so much crossdressing I can do before things get weird.

Though the instructor mentioned some fake boob thing drag queens wear, and kept giving me... creepy, creepy looks.

If he asks me to wear it, I'm finding a new instructor.

*Laertes*

I have a decent job. A decent family (with one notable exception) and a decent home. I have friends, I have pets, I have what looks like an idea, happy home.

Then why am I miserable?

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm happy. It's just that... I feel like there is something inside me, greedy, gnawing at everything I have and saying 'but wouldn't this be better?'

I want to feel a lover's body against my own, feel his flesh inside mine, listen to the wet sounds of his body against me. I want to see his face as my body takes him to this peak he's never reached before, feel the heat as he empties his worries into me, and drains mine between us, before collapsing onto me, kissing and caressing me.

I lust. Every night my body writhes on satin sheets, trapped under a dream lover whose face I never see. Whose touch I never really feel, but who makes me happier than reality ever has, or will I'm sure.

One day, I don't want to wake up from my ecstasy in his arms.

I have a family, but it isn't my blood. I crave someone I can share my soul with, not just memories. "Blood of my Blood, and Bone of my Bone. I give ye my Body, that we Two might be One. I give ye my Spirit, 'til our Life shall be Done." That makes something, that empty part of me, twist, and grow, and HATE. Writhe. I can't stand the happy couples on the street, because that dark voice that gnaws at me, laughs at me, kills me slowly... it makes me physically ill.

Laertes-Samsara RP part 2/10