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 Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2015 11:02 pm
She could feel it. It was like a warm bath, waiting to be sunk into. Cami had the words that made both of her blondes feel drunk with content. She would love anything they were, as long as they let her. She would never say no. Maebe could never have known how close Cami had come to understanding. She loved them so much, she couldn't love herself, and Maebe had come to a point in her life where she couldn't accept that anymore. She couldn't, for her own well-being. "Yes you do." Maebe whispered, crawling over to press her head on Cami's back. "You need to stop giving pieces of yourself away and learn to love yourself. That's what you need to do. That's all you need to do. And yet, it's the hardest thing in the world. It is. But I don't want to give up believing you can do it. Even if it means-" She refused to say it again. She was only so strong.
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Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2015 11:10 pm
Her back was not a great place to rest a head, at the moment, though it didn't seem that Maebe cared. Cami's whole body was wracked with shudders and hiccups as she tried to keep grief from overwhelming her. Being dragged down into sobs so great that there was nothing to do but lie on the floor and howl was not productive. She'd sworn that never again she would be the lifeless creature that had been left behind when she'd found out that the man she had wanted to marry didn't want her. Didn't love who she was, just what she was to him. Maebe of a year ago might have swelled with pride at the idea that she'd become part of something so important that it would all but incapacitate Cami at its loss. Fists wanted to pound on the wood of the door with stubborn refusal. Wanted to ask the question 'What if I don't want to?!' but she knew the answer to that. If she refused Maebe would leave her. Would not love her ever again. Hugging herself tightly a low whine like a wounded animal escaped before a hand was stuffed in her mouth against it. It hurt. It hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, and she didn't know what to do. "Why?" The whisper was hoarse. "Why bother loving myself if no one will love me?" A better question.
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Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2015 11:19 pm
Maebe cracked. (It wasn't very hard.) "Okay. Let's be real right now, baby." She huffed out, a weak and sad little chuckle vibrating in her words. "I'm never going to be able to not love you. I will love you for the rest of my life. I mean, I know I'm going to love Otto for the rest of my life, and right now I feel like he's a little s**t. But we can't not love you. I wish I could really say something like oh, I can't love you if you don't love yourself, but I am a giant bullshit artist. I just can't be around you like this. I can't be around anybody, really." Maebe wasn't used to saying so many words at once, but they'd all come out in a long breath, and she finally took another inhale and fell silent. It was only after she'd caught her breath, that she continued. Her voice was small, and once more, scared. "You can't love yourself for others. I just think it's right. Maybe I'm wrong about this, Cami. I don't know. I'm trying something new here, give me a break."
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Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2015 11:38 pm
Oh that was the wrong thing to say. The rest of it was good. Really good, actually, because it helped some of the uncontrollable trembling turn into the odd stiffness that had worried Otto so much. Asking for Cami to give her a break after basically saying she couldn't love a thing, right after Cami had identified herself as a happy thing, and making her cry? Cami was supposed to give her a break from that?! "No, you don't get a break from the feelings you caused, Maebe Grace." Even if a brown-skinned hand reached back to squeeze hers. "Everything I do is for everyone else. I don't even know the first thing about doing something for myself." The little things were easy. Shopping, having fun, sleeping, taking care of herself was not hard. But her emotional health wasn't for herself. Certainly her childhood had been anything but healthy! Taking in a slow breath she blew it out and was happy when it didn't tremble. "I think I'm going to need time, Maebe. I can't promise to change. I can't even promise to try because I don't know how to try. But I will try." A soft, wistful, longing quality came into her voice then. "I'm going to miss you."
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Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2015 2:44 am
This was all she'd wanted for Cami, and simultaneously something she'd selfishly never wanted at the same time. She didn't know the first thing about doing something for herself, but she was going to try. And if it didn't work out.. then perhaps Maebe was wrong, after all. There was only one way to find out. "Trying is all any of us can do right now, I think." And she was trying, herself. So damn hard. She squeezed the hand that was offered to her, and smiled at it's warmth. "Well, duh. I'm highly missable." She hugged Cami's back, because she was, deep down, a selfish fool, and a thought made her lift her head suddenly with stubbornness. "And you're not homeless. I didn't want you in the basement, but Dawson made me promise to tell you that he's fixing the place up real nice down there, putting lanterns everywhere so there's no more darkness. And Mimsy will protect you from me when I get horny and come trolling, looking for trouble." That was the honest truth. "And if you still can't figure out where home is, I'll help you find something. Unless it hurts to be around me." She fell silent, worried that she was pushing too hard. "Just. We'll figure something out."
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