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 Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 4:09 pm
The silence stretched out, making it slightly difficult to concentrate on anything other than Michael's tense frame. Caspian, however, had eyes for nothing else, because everything wavered on whatever Michael's answer would be; everything in front of them was there, ready for the leap, and it was just a matter of taking it - or running away.
Caspian did not want to run away, a mixture of determination, apprehension, and stubbornness keeping him in his seat, his fingers wrapped securely around Michael's wrist as though to remind him exactly what they were here for. A lifeline, a raft, a rope, something that anchored both of them in place.
Come on, thought Caspian, eyes narrowed slightly as he waited, his breath quickening, pulse rapid beneath Michael's fingers. Come on...you can do it. I know you can, I know you want to, just - come on -
He didn't know if it was his own wishful thinking or just sheer naivete or maybe just pure and utter stubbornness - but he was not about to let this go without a fight. He was not going to let Michael drown in his own self-doubts and his anger and his depression, not as long as there was even the smallest chance that he could do something about it.
Caspian ignored the strange looks, fingers tightening. He knew how odd it must look, the two of them, with the age difference as obvious as it was - and a part of him felt a swell of unexpected - and annoying - embarrassment that he must look like a kid in comparison.
But now was not the time. Now, with Michael looking at him so intently that it made his chest tighten again, made his stomach flutter, Caspian couldn't help but wonder what it was that he saw there - whether or not he saw what other people saw -
Okay.
The word cut through any and all other thoughts, and Caspian's eyes were wide as he stared at Michael, lips slightly parted in shock. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask him to repeat it, just to make sure he'd heard correctly - but he didn't have to, because it was spoken yet again, and the second time sent a wash of pure and utter relief flooding through Caspian.
For the first time since they'd met the previous evening, a wide, blinding smile broke out across Caspian's face, his entire face lighting up. He almost stood up right then and there and leaned across the table to throw his arms around Michael, but a lingering sense of they were in public at least managed to keep him in his seat. His hand however, gripped Michael's wrist, pleasure practically radiating from Caspian.
"Okay," he said, almost to himself, though his eyes remained on Michael. "I won't let you regret it."
I knew you could do it.
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Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 8:21 pm
Michael wasn’t sure how Caspian would react to him finally agreeing to take a chance, but it definitely wasn’t that. He saw Caspian’s eyes widen in shock, sure, but the huge, overjoyed smile had Michael staring in surprise, himself. The happiness in Caspian’s expression had him staring back in surprise, his hand still wrapped around Caspian’s wrist.
Like so many other things happening around Caspian, for the first time in years Michael felt heat rise in his face, just barely tinting the color of his already tanned cheeks. For Caspian to be so… thrilled over him just agreeing to try to trust him was… incredibly endearing.
Having tensed again at the initial show of excitement, Michael released a small breath through his nose, his expression relaxing a bit more as he shook his head in exasperation at Caspian’s bright, blinding smile, his own mouth twitching slightly at the corners, unable to stop himself in the face of someone so… so cheerful, despite everything.
“You’re ridiculous,” he said softly, although the words weren’t at all harsh. “I’m sure you won’t,” he agreed, pushing back the doubts he still had, but he made a promise to try. He still hadn’t let go of Caspian’s wrist.
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Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 8:42 pm
If he noticed the faint flush to Michael's cheeks, he didn't say anything, Caspian grinning across the table at him. He felt, for the first time since meeting him, as though he did not have to push quite so hard to get Michael to let him stay around. He didn't doubt that it would probably be harder at times; in fact, it was almost guaranteed that Michael would grow irritable with him on occasion and possibly try to push him away again.
But he was trusting him. And it made Caspian feel practically lighter than air, his smile stretching across his face, the relief and joy overtaking any of the apprehension and wariness that had been there before. Maybe it was silly to be thrilled over something like this, but...Michael had been under a dark cloud for a long time.
Maybe now that cloud could actually move.
Caspian pointed the finger of his free hand at Michael, his other not moving from where it lay curled around his wrist. "Aha," he said triumphantly, ignoring the ridiculous comment - which, for some reason, made his stomach flutter with pleasure. "I saw that, Michael John Gallo."
He leaned a little over the table, a look of amusement on his face - but there was also relief there, and a gentle encouragement.
"A smile."
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Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 8:58 pm
There was part of him that was still holding onto his doubts and fears and regrets, still unable to really break away from something that had grounded him for so long, but he felt that… in at least trying to trust Caspian and hope that nothing will go wrong but living as if it wouldn’t… he thought he might be able to pull himself back up again.
His eyes widened when Caspian suddenly leaned over the table, pointing at him as he looked incredibly amused, having not realized the tiny twitch of his mouth had been enough for him to notice. Caspian had probably been watching and waiting for it, Michael reminded himself.
“Don’t get used to it,” he mumbled, his voice still soft, but thanks to how open and welcoming Caspian was being, Michael shook his head again, but didn’t try to resist the pull of his lips into the smallest of smiles. He thought it must look sad and relieved at the same time, as if waiting for a chance to feel a glimmer of happiness and hope again.
Michael watched Caspian from across the table and how he smiled and how his eyes lit up after going through so much to get to that point. Why Caspian hadn’t given up on him yet, he didn’t know. But… he was surprised to think… that if someone could save him, it might be him.
The small smile faded just slightly, and Michael glanced down to where their hands clasped each other’s wrists, his own hand squeezing Caspian’s more firmly for just a moment and then loosening his grip again.
“Thank you. You didn’t have to do this,” he said, unable to look at him for the moment, knowing that his eyes often betrayed his emotions, and he didn’t want to have to explain what he was sure Caspian would see there, beyond the gratitude.
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Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 9:11 pm
Things were obviously not fixed within a single day, Caspian knew this - but things could start to be fixed in a single day. They could at least take one step forward even if that was all it was, because even one step was still a step, no matter how small it was, no matter how simple or seemingly unimportant it was.
They were still moving.
Half bent over the table, Caspian lifted his free hand and pressed the tips of his fingers against Michael's temple, a grin on his face.
"I won't," he said, the tone of his voice teasing. "But you should do it more often. It gives your eyes light."
He tugged playfully on a strand of mahogany hair and sank back down in his seat, the smile much easier to catch this time. Michael still looked hesitant and uncertain - clearly this was not a path that he had expected to take, nor probably would find it easy to take. But at least he'd chosen, instead of stagnating; and at least he'd moved forward.
It made Caspian's heart feel lighter in a way he hadn't thought it could.
He felt Michael's hand tighten then loosen, and Caspian gave an answering squeeze, but he'd let him be the first to pull away. Steps were important, after all, and while Caspian was comfortable with a myriad of things, Michael had spent years keeping himself stubbornly closed off.
The expression on Caspian's face softened, but he was still smiling, even if it was a little gentler now.
"Yeah, I know," he said simply, giving a little shrug. "But I wanted to."
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Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 9:52 pm
Michael knew it wasn’t going to be easy for him to keep moving forward, to push his fears behind him. He’d lived for so long with certain reservations he had about how close to get to someone. It was why he could never keep any kind of long term relationship. Hell, many of his relationships only lasted for a night, if that. And those weren’t even what he considered relationships.
He glanced up curiously as Caspian touched his face and then messed with his hair, wondering if perhaps the gesture was intended to be more than that, but Caspian was holding himself back for Michael’s sake. He felt as though a lot of things Caspian did was for his sake, and he wondered if that said something about him. About both of them. How Caspian was the one who, despite being younger, was more open and willing to accept someone as closed off and unhappy as Michael. Caspian was the one to offer gestures of comfort with ease, and yet it was something Michael struggled with.
But… that wasn’t entirely true. He’d returned the gesture of holding onto Caspian’s wrist. And the night before, he hadn’t exactly kept his hands to himself when it came to drying off Caspian’s hair. And then this morning when they woke up…
Maybe most of his hesitation was all in his head.
Slowly, Michael released his hand from around Caspian’s wrist, gently pulling his hand away so he could place it back around his mug of now warm coffee.
“I…” he started and then paused, wondering if he should just keep his mouth shut, because he didn’t know for sure if he could keep the promise he was about to make. “I won’t let you regret it,” he said, eyes lifting to lock onto Caspian’s. The determination was still there, but it had softened now. He couldn’t promise that it would be easy, but he would do his best.
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Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2016 3:15 pm
He was a physical person by nature, always casual in his actions and gestures of amusement or friendship or entertainment or comfort - but with Michael, Caspian kept a careful balance between too much and too little. Not everyone was as comfortable as he was in everything, of course.
Even if not even an hour ago they'd been clinging tightly to each other. Caspian pushed this aside, and the fluttery feeling that accompanied this memory, and everything about that night in the boxcar - the good and the bad. The latter of these was a sour reminder of things gone shitty, but that was currently overshadowed by Michael's agreement to at least try.
And that was all that mattered right now.
As Michael pulled his hand away, so did Caspian, relaxing back into his seat, a grin still on his face. The coffee, even with the addition of copious amounts of sugar and creamer, was still pretty terrible, but he could at least overlook that and maybe get some pancakes to tide him over.
His eyes flickered back across the table, and Caspian's grin settled into something a little more gentle, but there was still a determination in his eyes that went along with it.
"I know you won't."
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