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 Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:24 pm
“Well, then I’d like to stay. And I’ll only leave if you decide you’re sick of me. Here, scoot over just a little,” Evan insisted, but Riker really didn’t have to move much for him to slide off the arm rest and onto the cushion. He was careful not to jostle or bump Riker, and he twisted so he was taking up as little room as possible.
“Lean against me, let me hold you like my mom used to. I guess you wouldn’t be surprised to hear that I cried a lot as a kid. You know, it’s funny, but I don’t even remember the last time she held me. I just remember the first time she didn’t.”
It wasn’t funny. He was just talking to fill the space. It wasn’t that he minded telling Riker these things, he just knew that they’d had vastly different experiences. Evan had at least gotten to have a mother that loved him for a while, until she decided that she didn’t anymore. Riker might not have ever had that.
When Evan felt weak or vulnerable, he still remembered her arms. Sure, he could remember Talia’s or Cambria’s, or Tobias or Ahri’s, or even Zac’s, but there was something that had been special about hers.
Evan didn’t think there was anything special about his arms but it wasn’t going to stop him from trying. He rested one elbow over the back of the couch and sat up straight to make sure he wasn’t some uncomfortable lump.
“Okay, I’m settled. Rest against me and get comfortable. And relax, okay? You’ve got so much tension in you. You know those tissues are out here because if I see a commercial with a sad looking dog, I cry. You wouldn’t keep in a sneeze or a cough, would you? So don’t bottle this up. It’s not good for you. It’s okay, Riker. I promise.”
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:24 pm
“You don’t think I’m too old for that?” Riker forced a scoff, but he didn’t move as Evan got comfortable next to him. Well… he didn’t move in a way that would make it look like he was trying to get away. Mostly he still felt frozen.
But it was soon very evident that Evan was being serious. He wanted to let Riker lean against him and… what? He wanted him to cry? Like it was just some normal thing?
In the back of his head, Riker knew it was normal. It was okay. He certainly didn’t hold it against Evan if he cried. Or Julian. Or any of their friends. And yet, it still felt wrong for him to be upset. What did he have to be upset about, anyway? That he didn’t get enough hugs as a child? That he selfishly wanted to waste his mother’s time so she could baby him?
He curled his fingers subconsciously against his thigh, as though the pain would be enough to give him permission to cry. As if he wasn’t already in pain from his injuries. But that was different. That was already healing. And that wasn’t the reason he was acting like a child now.
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:25 pm
Maxim saw what Riker was doing to his thigh when Evan couldn’t, and he adjusted positions and stuck his nose insistently against his fingers.
Evan lightly rested his arm over Riker’s shoulder and across his chest to pull him closer and give him a hug. With his other hand, he resumed stroking his hair.
“You don’t get too old for that. I think you know that, though. I bet when Julian is crying, you don’t even think about telling him to grow up or get over it.”
He knew Riker wasn’t like that. Riker didn’t even make fun of him when Evan was sniffling at some sad movie, and he was older than him and didn’t have a reason for all those tears.
Evan spoke gently, in part because Riker was already so close to him, and also because he wanted Riker to hear how sincere he was. “Are you afraid of crying?”
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:25 pm
He immediately tensed when he was pulled into a hug. He didn’t know why. He didn’t mind hugs from Evan. No… he liked hugs from Evan. Or any of his friends.
In the back of his mind, he knew he was doing it to discourage Evan from keeping him close.
Because he didn’t want to get used to something that would devastate him if he lost it later. He didn’t think Evan was like that… but he also didn’t want to find out that he was wrong.
Evan was right, though. If Julian was upset, saying things like that didn’t even cross his mind. And while he got anxious when anyone did cry, it was only because he didn’t know what to do to make things better.
“No,” he grumbled defiantly, still tense against Evan but not pulling away. Maxim was making it difficult to scratch at his leg. He tried to gently push his face away so he wouldn’t hurt him, but was frustrated that he was being stopped. Or… maybe not frustrated, but certainly distressed.
“It’s not like I’m bleeding or anything. I don’t have a reason to cry.” He’d forced the tears back. He could be strong. He didn’t need Evan to worry that he’d cry over any little thing. He could be there for Evan when he was upset. If they were both upset all the time, then how could Evan ever feel better?
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:27 pm
Evan wasn’t deterred by the tenseness. In a way, he’d expected it. Riker seemed like he often struggled with any sort of affection, not because he didn’t want it but because he didn’t think he deserved it. Even now, though Evan found himself thinking that maybe this was unwanted, he didn’t let go.
He didn’t want to be wrong. He didn’t want to break the trust he’d earned. He didn’t want Riker to doubt him, or to be afraid of him, or–
“I cried the first night you were here.” He hadn’t, not where Riker could see him. He’d been strong, and he’d always put on a brave face. He didn’t know how convincing it was.
It was just hard when you cared about someone and they were hurting.
“I’m not afraid to cry, either. But I think the difference is that you find a reason why you think you shouldn’t be able to, and I just let it happen.”
He still couldn’t see Maxim. He could hear him moving some, but Maxim had stretched enough to put his chin on Riker’s leg, shoved just under his hand.
“You don’t have to be bleeding to cry. Although, you’re still hurt pretty bad, aren’t you? Even if you weren’t, you don’t need a ‘reason’ for it.” He continued stroking his hair and speaking gently. “How long have you been thinking that?”
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:27 pm
How long had he been thinking that? What kind of question was that? It sounded strange to Riker’s ears, like it was supposed to be a thought instead of something that was just how things were.
“That’s just normal,” he insisted with a shake of his head, a hint of frustration in his voice as Maxim had his head completely on his leg. “People say stuff like that all the time. ‘I’ll give you something to cry about if you don’t shut up.’ ‘If you’re crying, you better be dying.’ ‘Just walk it off.’ ‘Don’t be such a little b***h,’” he repeated the things that came to mind, trying once again to push Maxim’s head away from his leg, and when he couldn’t, he let out a frustrated whine and lifted his hand to scrub at his face instead.
He was still tense, but he’d leaned heavier against Evan. Maybe not intentionally, but it wasn’t like he could get up very easily anyway.
He couldn’t help but wonder if Evan thought this was ridiculous. Evan was small compared to him. There was only so much Evan could do to get his arms around him and hold him. And it was upsetting that Evan had cried for him, but he didn’t know what to do about it other than turn to press his face against Evan’s shoulder.
“I don’t want anyone to cry for me.” He had to get stronger so no one would ever have to again.
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:29 pm
Maxim looked up at Riker with pleading, apologetic eyes. Evan could tell something was wrong but he couldn’t move to see. He was worried more when Riker moved but found himself breathing a little sigh of relief when Riker pressed his face against his shoulder. It made him easier to hold, and as soon as he could, he wrapped both arms around him and placed a little kiss atop his head.
Riker was hurting. He was just a kid. He didn’t deserve any of this. Not a mother who didn’t care, not a father who wasn’t around, not a brother who was a sociopath, not a parasol through the gut.
“I’ll try not to,” Evan said, but he doubted he’d have much luck. “I just care about you. And crying is a healthy way to let out stress.”
Evan didn’t want to tell him he was wrong, that seemed too harsh, but Riker was clinging to these impossible ideas of emotional stoicism and it wasn’t healthy or good for him.
“Nobody ever says those things to me,” he said gently. It wasn’t quite true, he’d been bullied when he was younger, for a lot of things, but those were just kids being mean. Trying to make themselves feel better by bringing someone else down. “And nobody should be saying them to you. None of that is true. It’s just mean. It’s cruel. If you’re crying, you have something to cry about. You don’t have to be dying, you don’t have to force yourself to keep it in. It doesn’t make you a–who said that, your brother?”
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:29 pm
He tensed again, even though he didn’t move. When they’d first met, it was easy to shrug things off and let Evan think what he wanted. The bruises, the scars, the injuries he’d gotten. Even now, Riker knew it would be easier. It wasn’t that he was lying, but maybe there was more to it. He was too tired to try to talk about it.
“Yeah,” he said after just a moment, and did his best not to shrug, but the twitch in his shoulder was there. Besides, Evan had the unfortunate opportunity to meet his brother. It wasn’t hard to believe that Beckett did and said all the horrible things all the time.
“Yeah, he’s a jerk.” And only a piece of the problem, but again, Riker knew he’d already said too much. He’d already gotten too emotional over all of the things he knew he would never get from his own family, but that Evan was so willing to give.
Just like he’d do with anyone else.
Riker didn’t like feeling the twist of envy in his stomach. He didn’t like feeling selfish. It wasn’t as though he’d had anything to call his own before, anyway. He couldn’t control how other people felt, no matter how much he cared about them.
“I’m sorry. I’m okay,” he quietly promised, still holding back the emotions in his voice, but even though Evan was telling him it was okay, he couldn’t bring himself to break down that wall. Not yet…
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:30 pm
“Well, ******** him. What a d**k,” Evan muttered, and for a brief moment there was a little heat in his voice. It fizzled quickly, because this wasn’t about Riker’s brother, it was about Riker, and his stupid brother didn’t deserve to have any of this be about him.
He held Riker close, like if his arms could hold him tight enough he could just squeeze out all the poison Riker’s family had injected into him over the years. He wished Riker wasn’t hurt for a thousand reasons, but especially because he wished he could give him the type of hug that promised things were going to be okay.
Riker was still holding back. Maybe because he wanted to be okay. He might have been trying to convince Evan but he was probably trying to convince himself, too. But ‘okay’ was so subjective and Evan didn’t even know if Riker knew what that meant.
He peppered the top of his head with a dozen kisses and he wished he knew what to say. He remembered when his father couldn’t look at him anymore, when there was such disappointment in his eyes. He didn’t have to say he hated Evan, he could see it. His father thought he was weak. His father thought he was too old to cry. His father thought everything was his fault. His mother might have, too.
He’d dreamed of all the things he wished they’d say to him.
He didn’t know what he was to Riker, not really. They were friends, of course. Did Riker look up to him? Did Riker see him as any sort of authority figure? Was there more that Evan could be doing for him?
Evan felt like he was making it up as he went and he was so worried about messing something up.
The best he could do was suck in a breath and say what he thought he’d want to hear from his mother or father or anyone who would have given him the time of day.
“You’re a really good kid, Riker. And none of this is your fault. And you’re strong whether or not you cry, and it’s your decision if you want to but I’m just saying that you don’t have to. I’m going to be proud of you no matter what. You’re so important to me. And I’m so upset that anyone could hurt you like this.” Now, the Negaverse. Before, his family.
“I’m so lucky I get to know you. And to have you in my life. And how I feel about that’s not going to change. No matter what happens. If you make a mistake, or if you do something you’re not proud of, or if you get in trouble–it doesn’t matter. I care too much about you to let anything like that change how much you mean to me. I’ll be here no matter what, and I’ll have your back, and whatever happens, you’ll get through it and you won’t have to do it alone. I don’t think anything you do could chase me away so you don’t have to pretend to be who you think you should be or keep anything from me because you’re worried, or any of that. You just be you and I’ll support you. We’ll figure it out. It’ll be okay.”
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:30 pm
Once again, Riker didn’t know what to do. He could feel the heat in his eyes, the emotions rising in his throat as he did his best to ignore them.
Except Evan was saying all these nice things to him. Things he wasn’t sure he deserved to hear. It was so difficult to push everything from his life aside and accept new things as truth. Evan had never led him astray and had always taken care of him. He said he was a good kid, that he was lucky to get to know him, to have him in his life.
“I know I’ve teased you about it before,” he said quietly against Evan’s shoulder, his voice strained from the emotion he was trying to keep from breaking through.
“But I really wish you were my mom.”
Riker immediately grimaced, a quiet sob escaping as he quickly tried to do damage control.
“I mean-- I don’t want to hurt your feelings, or insult you. Uh… could say ‘dad’ if that’s better. Or… uh. Sorry, I can just not call you either if that-- if that’s too much. Sorry, that’s not what I meant-- I just… I don’t know. I don’t know,” he quietly sobbed. Embarrassed and stressed and overwhelmed with how many nice things Evan said about him, Riker couldn’t keep himself from crying against Evan’s shoulder.
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:32 pm
Evan wondered if he should have felt relief. He wondered if he should have felt guilty.
He didn’t know what to feel. Riker didn’t either.
Evan couldn’t pull him closer, but like this he could stroke his hair gently. He could kiss atop his head. He could tell him all the things he promised he would.
“It’s not an insult. It doesn’t hurt my feelings.” Evan’s mouth was dry but his eyes were wet and he couldn’t let himself get embarrassed when he’d just told Riker it was fine. “You can call me whatever you want. I like when you call me mom, I don’t know why. My dad scared me.” His mom was cold, but she hadn’t always been that way. He remembered when her eyes used to light up when she saw him. He remembered when she loved him.
“I feel like I did something right when you call me that.”
It was probably selfish. He wondered if it made Riker feel good to call him that, too.
“I don’t know. Maybe that sounds silly. It makes me feel like I didn’t mess up along the way. Like I’m still on ‘the good path’. I want you around, I want to look after you. I want you to be on a good path, too. I know things are hard, but you’re doing so good,” he soothed. Maxim didn’t move, but he watched with thoughtful eyes. His head was a weight on Riker’s leg but he didn’t demand any attention. “It’s all going to work out. It’ll be okay. I’m proud of you. You’re such a good kid.”
He’d said it before, but he meant it, and he’d say it a hundred times–a thousand, whatever it took. If Riker was crying too much, Evan wasn’t even sure he’d hear him. He didn’t want him to have to work to listen.
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:32 pm
Riker knew it was probably stupid to want something so badly. He couldn’t help but imagine what things would have been like if he had a different life, if things had been easier. If he’d been with Evan instead of the family he was stuck with.
He knew Evan had his own family. Family that Riker had avoided out of fear of rejection maybe. Or maybe he was selfish and didn’t want to share. He didn’t like being selfish, but when so many things had been taken from him -- a normal childhood. A family. A safe home and love and happiness.
“You could never mess up,” Riker promised, voice thick with emotion as he tried to keep the tears from being too much. He finally moved one of his own arms to wrap around Evan as best he could without hurting himself or dislodging Maxim, holding onto him.
“It wasn’t my brother--” he suddenly confessed between muffled sobs. He knew he should stop. He knew he should take a breath and stop crying. “Most of it wasn’t--”
The horrible things being said. The bruises. The injuries. He didn’t know why he said it now when he’d hidden it for so long. Maybe because he trusted Evan. And he really would have preferred him to be his mom over the one he currently had. Compared to that... nothing Evan could do would be enough to ‘mess up’ anything for Riker.
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:33 pm
Riker didn’t want anyone to cry for him but it was hard not to. He wasn’t making Evan cry, Evan just couldn’t help it. He bit his cheek, hard, and tasted blood but he swallowed it.
He did his best to keep his voice even and he squeezed his eyes shut and he held Riker and stroked his hair and continued to whisper soft words of praise and affection.
When he could bring himself to say something, he said, “Well, he had to learn it from someone, so what I said about him goes–it goes for her too. And I’m sorry for it. I don’t get it Riker. I don’t get it at all. She doesn’t deserve you. I’m sorry. You’re so good, Riker.”
What a b***h. She didn’t deserve Riker’s love or his loyalty. But Riker gave it freely because he cared, and Evan knew what that was like and couldn’t hold it against him.
“You deserved her love, not–not all of that.”
He deserved a lot more than that. Safety, security, respect. He didn’t understand how people could be so cruel, especially to their own family. Especially to a kid. How could his mother have had such a sweet son and made him think he was a monster? How could she see someone so beaten down–someone she had beaten down–and been proud of herself?
He hated her. He kissed the crown of Riker’s head again, because she should have done that, and he held him close because she should have done that, and he told Riker he was good and wanted because she should have done that.
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:34 pm
For the first time, Riker felt like a child, safe in the arms of someone who wanted to protect him and who cared for him, and dare he say loved him. Maybe it was only in his own head, but he found himself craving it more now that he knew how much he didn’t have. He was only sixteen, and for as much as he hated when others -- especially on their side of the war -- underestimated and infantilized him and his friends for their age, they were only teenagers.
They were only children. He was a child who never got to be a child. He’d been constantly reminded about how he was unwanted, how things would have been better if he hadn’t been born, how he was only worth the check that was received every month from a man he’d never met.
He didn’t know how to feel as he cried into Evan’s shoulder. He was embarrassed, but Evan wasn’t letting him go. Maxim wasn’t letting him try to give himself a reason to cry either. He felt guilty, too. Evan wasn’t that much older than he was. Well… at least by a decade, but in the long scheme of things it wasn’t that much.
And he knew that Evan had a hard life, too. Did he really need to be spending his time and energy on some reject kid? He knew Evan would say ‘yes.’ That he would reassure him that he was wanted. Which just made the guilt bubble more, because he’d gone his whole life believing one thing, and then one fateful night, being attacked by a strange creature, changed everything.
“I’m sorry--” he sobbed against Evan’s shoulder, unable to stop the tears. “I’m sorry for everything-- everything bad I’ve ever done. I didn’t know-- I didn’t know there was another option--”
He didn’t have to seek approval and acceptance from people who never cared about him in the first place. He didn’t have to be bound to them. Not when there were people who did care about him.
He’d messed up with Énna. He’d messed up with Julian, and with so many others. Julian didn’t know any better and forgave him, even if Riker didn’t deserve it. And he knew he hadn’t been the easiest for Evan to watch over, either. But he wanted things to be different.
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2024 8:34 pm
“It’s okay,” Evan reassured. “You didn’t know. It’s okay.” He learned. And he’d done his best to change after a new avenue had opened up to him. He was trying to make amends. He held himself accountable and he was trying to be better.
He’d gotten an unfair start in all of this, with a family that only taught cruelty and gave him no opportunity to explore any other options. They made him miserable and made him think that he had to be as awful as they were if he had any chance of earning their love.
Despite what Riker had expressed remorse for, Evan still struggled to think he had the capacity to do as much harm as they had.
Maybe he was just optimistic. Maybe he just couldn’t see anything awful in Riker. If he was blind to such things, oh well. Too many others only saw the worst in him. Evan didn’t think it would be unfair if he could only see the good.
He could stay here for as long as Riker needed. What was the worst thing that happened, his hair got too pigmented? It wasn’t like he still had bleach in it now. It could wait.
“You’ve been doing so much good, too. It takes a lot of hard work to unlearn things, and you’re working so hard, Riker. I’m so proud of you. I know this isn’t easy.” He alternated between stroking his hair and his arm and his back, anywhere he could reach that he knew wasn’t too close to an injury.
“Nobody’s ever made it easy for you.” Riker never made it easy for himself, either. “Things can be different. You’re making them different, you’re making things better. You’re doing such a good job.”
No matter how much life threw at him, he was still trying.
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