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 Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 3:57 pm
I'm going to start something new in this journal. It's something like what is described in my new book. I will address an issue or just thoughts that ran through my head that were negative. And then I will counter them, instead of going over it in my head. On screen or paper it will work wonders, because the mind continues the cycle, where on screen or paper, you can stop.
1) Problem: Made a couple mistakes with a couple customers that were friends or something. They said "Someone's not getting cashier of the month," or something to that effect. That hurt.
thoughts: a)Why don't they like me?
b)I'm just a mess up.
c)I'm no good.
d)Noone's going to like me.
e)I'm not a worth while person
2)problem: A customer complained yesterday about how slow I was. The pressure was on.
thoughts: a)I am too slow.
b)I'm not a very good cashier.
1) realistic statements: a)Who cares if they don't like you? And how do you know they don't. For all you know they may have been joking a little bit and you took it the wrong way. You like yourself. Others like you, so who cares?
b)You do alot more right, then you do wrong. You're magnifying the negative and ignoring the posotive. Remember what Mr Lyons said about my work. He said that I'm doing well. I'm talking to the customers and I'm getting orders done. Sure you screw up once in awhile, but look at the other cashiers. Have you asked them how they messed up? You know you've overheard them a couple times about how they said they screwed up "with this one customer." Like they'd say, "I messed this up with one customer already," etc. You're doing things right, too. You're keeping your job. Cheer up.
c)See the last statement. You are good and you've done well for most customers.
d)look at the smiles you get from satisfied customers!!! seriously look at them! In fact look at them more often and make more eye contact. You've seen already the smiles on people's faces. Look at the friends you have. Look at the people who respect you. Look at your family. Make more friends. Talk more often. People will like you more for it. You're asserting yourself and people like that. Just look at Partial Hospitalization Program. The people there like you. Your self esteem there is fairly good. You fool around with them and talk and everything.
e)See above.
2) realistic statements: a)Apparently not to most people. Most people don't complain. A few compliment you and most of them tell you to have a nice day and are very friendly about it.
b)Look at the other customers. What do you think they're thinking when they say to have a nice day. You've helped alot of people. Look at the compliments you have gotten off and on.
I may have over done this, but that's ok, I think. I was almost in tears writing the posotive realistic statements. I was really getting into this. I will do this more often.
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Posted: Mon Sep 11, 2006 1:45 pm
Ok since I had problems with my computer, I'm going to do what I did the other day.
Problem: Put my computer together days ago and now it crashes after doing something to it and now I can't fix it.
thoughts: a)I'll never have a working computer. Face it. It's always going to crash.
b) I suck at the thing I love the most.
c) I can't control my pain with this thing.
d) I'm a failure.
e) I can't fix this or have this fixed. Noone can help me
f) It's going to take forever to get thigns the way I want them again.
Realistic statements: a) It'll get fixed. I just need help. What computer doesn't have problems. This will get ironed out eventually.
b) You don't suck. You just made some mistakes. You don't know everything about computers. You have alot to learn like anyone else. And you just need to control how you feel about it.
c) Yes, you can. Don't get torn apart. Remember that it's not always going to be like this. When a problem comes up it can be fixed. Remember these things and remember that everything will be alright.
d) Who hasn't failed at something at one time or another, whether it's something they normally excel at. Everyone has failed at something they love. It happens everyday to everyone and don't focus so much on it. It only brings pain to think you're a failure. And it only discourages you. Keep this in mind and keep trying.
e) False. Someone can help. Your brother's helped, hasn't he. Somewhat, yes. And then you did something that needs to be worked on again. Look on the net for help. Ask someone else. Look for the answers on your own.
f) Nah, just a day or so to get things the way they were again, even if it still crashes. Take small steps. Write them down and follow them one step at a time.
I would appreciate more feedback on this. Thanks.
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Posted: Sat Sep 16, 2006 5:58 pm
Ok, apparently I don't list or something real well at times. An old lady asked for her bags to be extra light. And I heard "Can I have some Extra Lights." And I immediatly thought ciggarettes. So I went to get some "Extra lights." Whe people ask for "lights," they're usually refering to getting them some cigs. So here's the thing...
1) Problem: (Listed above.)
Thoughts: a) I'm so stupid
b) What if I do something stupid again?
c) I'm embarrassed.
2) Realistic statements: a) You're not stupid. Stupid is as Stupid does, remember and who hasn't done something stupid. People on tv do stupid things all the time. You just missunderstood.
b) Oh well. Can't be helped. Just do this again and try to feel better. Learn from your mistakes.
c) Don't be. After all, we've all done stupid things.
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Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 9:38 am
I'm really considering sending my motherboard, ram, and cpu back in favor of the 939 socket. I am having so much difficulty with this brand new motherboard that I am completely hopeless. I have lost my faith in the idea that this machine will ever work. I have lost faith in the help I've been getting to get this machine to work. I'm even losing faith in myself. I want to cry. I haven't since two weeks ago. I'm severely depressed right now in my own idea of what depressed is. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I don't know if I can last long enough through the process of getting this thing to work before I lose it enough to actually throw in the towel. I've never truly known myself to be a quitter entirely, but this is really testing my patience and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I don't know anyone that can help me. I just...don't know. This is probably the biggest test of my patience in computers thus far. And so far I've had one computer that crashed all the time and back then I knew I needed a new one anyway. I threw that one out. I've had a harddrive crash. I recovered a god bit of my stuff in one way or another. I've put up with crashes on my parents' computer till it settled down out of the blue for no reason I can think of. It at least works, though it's still got things wrong with it. It works for their use anyways. But this is a new computer. Nothing has ever been this frustrating to me technology wise. Nothing. I just...don't know what to do. I don't know how i'm going to get help. I don't know, if I can get help. There is one thing I know. If I can make it through this. If I can get this computer to run without it crashing in the middle of things. If I can get it to the point where it hardly ever crashes at all, then I can over come just about anything technology wise. This will be the single most difficult thing with computers that I have ever done and if I can do this, then I can do anything! This will give me power beyond beleif....if I can do all this.
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Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 5:41 pm
People probably aren't reading these, but I guess it doesn't matter. I have to use it. Whatever helps.
1) Problem: Computer is still giving me problems. It seems it doesn't like wireless pci cards. It was fine all weekend without the card and it ran a heavy program without crashing the entire time, so I've conclude it was the wireless adapter that I took out. I put another one in and it had the same problems. Ok enough of that and on to my thoughts.
a) It'll never get fixed.
b) This will make me miserable
c) I can't stand having technology work for me
d) I feel like a failure again.
e) if this continues, then I'll continue to be depressed and not even want to use this computer.
2) Problem: I didn't have fun at my cousin's wedding reception and I didn't socialize much at all.
Thoughts: a) I'll never get the hang of being social.
b) I'll never find a girlfriend.
c) probably noone wants to talk to me.
d) I'll feel uncomfortable in every new situation no matter what it is.
e) The only time I can be ok, is in places and situations that are familiar with for example I wasn't able to run the registers till I got used to being at Tops and working with others.
1) realistic statements: a) It'll take more time and that's just fine, because you know inside that it will work fine someday.
b) Maybe, but only if you let it and continue pessimism. Be optomistic. You're miserable, because of your negative thoughts. You are a prisoner to these thoughts. Get control.
c) see b and remember that technology isn't perfect, but can also be repaired. Problems can always be worked out no matter how long it takes.
d) You aren't a failure, just because something you love is failing on you. It just means you need to work more and harder on it and keep a posotive attitude. You'll learn more, gain more experience that you'll need for a tech job. Bye fixing this you are gaining practical in real life experience for repair jobs in the future. Once you work this out, then you will be more prepared for the future. Keep this in mind and set a realistic goal sometime in the future.
e) see b again.
2) realistic statements: a) You will. You just need to learn how to control your fear.
b) She'll come when she comes. After all you never know what'll happen in the future. Work on being more social. Learn more like in a. After you work on a, then b will follow. Or you may even be approached by someone and forced into conversation and then things will pick up that way. You really never know. Stay optomistic.
c) They will, if you assert yourself and learn to be more social.
d) You just need to talk this one out in group. I don't know what to say here other than you'll get over it someday.
e) Maybe this will work for now. That is getting used to where you're at before you become social. Being social at breaktime is your next step. Or maybe talking more to the customers. You've done this by chance at times, too. Get used to things, but learn from group how to handle new situations.
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Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 3:16 pm
How can I feel depressed during this part of the day and then like earlier feel like I can take on a task such as introducing myself to someone. It's too bad I don't get that feeling when I really need it. >.< Ok, so why do I feel depressed?
Well, the computer issue at the moment. I took it to someone for help. He probably won't dig into it or anything like invade my files like my videos or pics. I have some hentai pics, I'd rather him not know I have. >.> Hey, they make me feel good, when I'm down sometimes. So for some irrational reason, I'm afraid he'll see them. I actually made the folder invisible and made invisible files not show up, temporarily, but I probably didn't need to do that. >.< Anyways, he said he'd call me this afternoon or tomorrow morning, when he figures out what's wrong. I'm guessing he didn't find it yet, because he hasn't called and I won't be here tomorrow morning.
I'm also getting the "don't want to go to work" depression/anxiety thing. I'm going to anyway. I already know that I feel better when I work at times. I guess I just don't want to go. I just need to teach the other part of my brain this, so I don't act all depressed because I'm going to work. I just need to experience work a little more to learn, I guess. Maybe I need to find a reason to love work while I'm doing it. That'd probably work. Talk to more people. Learn how to. And get so used to that that I feel so comfortable that I wish I was at work everyday just to see those people. Heck I like Jess. She's really sweet.....no she doesn't have anything for me. She has a bf I do beleive.
I ordered a book to help me learn to converse. I hope that helps.
I'm trying, and almost making it, to convince myself that Mike will find the problem with my computer. I don't know how I'm doing it, though. To be honest, they tell us that our thoughts control our moods, but they must be far back in the head or something, because just now I barely thought of my computer at all, felt good and then I thought that it was because of my computer. I guess it's like unconscious thought? Can anyone explain that? Because I don't get it. I don't think I'm thinking too much about something at all and then my mood changes and i sometimes don't know why.
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Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 6:01 pm
Well, I think I'm going to sum up a new chapter in my life. I have them listed as posotives and negatives. make a good count. I have more posotives. wink
+got a job and it's working out. Making money and getting stuff.
+not only that but I'm working with people. And people are really alot nicer than I thought. There's alot more good out there than I originally thought.
-still not getting myself out there to meet new people real well. I bought a book to help with that, but I'm thinking that what I'm actually needing is a way to find courage to talk.
+Built a computer. It was fun to build
-computer doesn't work right. Can't even fix it. I'm having someone look at it for me.
+i'm feeling posotive that it'll work out in the end.
+not letting people that are rude to me at work get to me. I'm letting it all slide off my back.
+Even an internet harrasser can't bother me anymore, if he even tries. It's pathetic and even makes me laugh now. I make a whole big joke out of it, now.
+I met someone online that may be interested in a relationship with me. She's sweet and is just looking for someone to love her for her. She's 24 and we share alot in common.
-She lives in florida
+she may fly up someday, when we both feel it's right.
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Posted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 8:50 am
I suppose I should journal about this. I forgot to put it here. I journaled about it everywhere else.
Anyways, I got my computer back after thanksgiving and after a few hours it went back to crashing, so i took it back. To my understanding they won't charge me again, because it wasn't fixed the first time.
This had me down about everything. I felt like everything in my life was doomed to fail, because if I love something enough I'll get it and then it will fail. >.< I also thought like everything else that my relationship with this girl online would fail.
But in all reality it's doing quite well, except for her quietness, which I need help with. I need to get her to talk more. I've gotten into video games in general and that got her talking a little, but one mention of sailor moon and she wouldn't shut up. lol Good signs I guess, but I'd like her to talk more, though I can't blame her, because I'm kinda the same way sometimes, just not so much online.
Edit and PS: This girl isn't the same one mentioned in previous post. I broke it off with that other one.
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Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 6:41 pm
Last couple days I've been at work I'll have this feeling where I
really don't want to be there anymore. Like it's a normal feeling for
most people to not want to work anymore after they've been there only
half the day. But this has caused me some anxiety. I don't really
want to go back to work tomorrow, but I know I have to and if I don't,
I'd be chickening out, so i'm going to anyway. I got worried a second
ago that it was because I was reverting to my old feelings like when I
left McDonald's years ago.
Not only that, but this computer has been making random sounds lately.
I can't figure out where they're coming from. I checked for things
with a special spyware checker and and analyzed it online and there
were some things that said they could be nasty, so i removed them. It
hasn't happened again yet, but that doesn't mean much to me, because
it took it awhile till it happened today. That's caused me to be
rather anxious tonight, too.
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Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 4:49 pm
So I got my computer back and I see my anxiety is up again. That's to be expected I guess, being that it used to crash. I dunno if it will crash this time. I hope not. So far so good. It's been hours since I hooked it up and I've been doing some downloading and transfering of songs and such. I also found a trojan on it somehow. ? I dunno either. I got rid of it and it'll do a full scan tomorrow anyway. Wish me luck with my anxiety problems. I need it. I am soooo paranoid.
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Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 5:57 pm
omg. Corvus Lividus is on Gaia. I'm scared. She used to harass me on Furcadia, but late apologized to me and I hadn't had trouble with her since. At least under that name. I put her on ignore, but I don't know if that was necessary, but I'd rather not talk to her anyhow. She appeared and left a random message on an RP in Barton Town. Nothing bad or suggestively bad was written, but I'm paranoid as everything that whoever my later harasser was, she might inform him/her or even have been her. I really could use some support on this right now. I'm frightened.
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Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 7:27 am
Yesterday was really bad for me. I had a couple problems with the computer and by the time I checked the clock it was already a minute or so past the time I normally start for work, although I get there a bit early anyway. And so I forgot to put on my work shirt, so when I got there I had to get another shirt. I had a panic attack in the break room before work started. It was a small one and I got through it and worked anyway. Then I get this bitchy old lady customer and then the electric in the store goes out and when it comes back on a few minutes later, people still waiting at the registers. The registers take forever to boot up normally. Like 15 minutes? i dunno. But they never booted up, so we had customers guess on the prices of what they bought and they had to pay by cash. Then we had to do a lot of returns, because of people that left the store. The electric was off for a long time, so no registers. Huge pain in the a**.
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Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:59 pm
Wow. I haven't used this since January. It's a good time to post again, then I guess.
Anyways, Last week on a Wednessday I got a response to the answer if I'll ever meet Jenn. She said she wasn't interested and said I was a good friend and didn't want to lead me on. I was depressed for a few days. After I got the e-mail I asked her if she wanted me to share my feelings on that. She told me yes, so I said basically, "I'm 29 years old. I've never had a real girlfriend. She was the only one close that I could find online that likes anime and stuff like I do. I felt really sad when you told me that, but at least we're friends and that's good. I told her that I can't seem to find anyone and I can't just talk to people without the net to find anyone." And then I asked why she wasn't interested and she said she didn't complete her. And after telling her that I can't find anyone again she said that I will find someone to complete me and someone that will love me. She was really nice, but at the same time I was really let down. I came out of it after a couple days.
And then my computer started crashing more often and work was becoming more of a stresser than it used to be. My anxiety had been through the roof and even now my chest still hurts and my breathing isn't right. I was bleary eyed when I almost got done with work yesterday and was bleary eyed sometimes when I drove home. Even now I'm really anxious and scared. The computer might even crash as I write this. So anyways, it's been a bad week and a half and I'm trying to get myself out of it and it's really hard.
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 2:02 pm
Well, at least I pulled through today. My computer crashed a few times this morning and stayed running through work till I got home. I thought I had fixed it. Guess I was wrong. >.< I just can't figure out what the hell is wrong with this stinking piece of trash. I may not be perfect, but god dammit(pardon me, but this seems the most powerful way of saying it) I can build and fix computers relatively well. Why can't this piece of trash work like I made it?!?!?! I wanted to cry a few times at the register, but I didn't. Just felt like I was going to cry at break, too. When I save up a few, I might just take this to Olean to see if someone down there can fix it.
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 4:09 pm
I'm having a rough time at work. I feel like this must be anxiety related, but i don't think i feel anymore anxious than normal. Now my throat feels fine most of the time, but once every few minutes I have this nagging urge to cough really badly to the point I feel like I might dry heave. This has happened before and it went away after a couple of weeks, but it's never been this bad. I've been holding back these urges to cough real bad by drinking water at the register and swallowing when i feel it coming on. It gets so bad sometimes that I feel weak. I have a hard time trying to talk to the customer and sometimes I actually do cough and it's so bad that the people around me wonder what's wrong with me. I get physically uncomfortable when it comes on. I feel it all over my body. I've pushed through it, but I feel like I can't handle it much longer. And I wonder if I should just give up work till I don't have the problem anymore.
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