Sevastian Personality
He is constantly worrying about others and in a way that sort of mirrors back to reflect the worries onto himself, for he is constantly worrying if he's helpful enough or polite enough.
...er...what? That's a really confusing statement, for the record. I think there's a less-wordy way to say that. I think you could cut out the part about the others and himself. However...why is he worrying about this stuff? Why is he so hard and himself and not others? If it's detrimental to him, why isn't someone trying to stop it?
Not too many issues with the second paragraph.
Third paragraph needs to be higher up. After I read the first one, I was really confused. I need to know why he wants to please people so much. Why does he want love from such a young age? I find myself wondering if maybe his guardian neglects him? (I just read her profile. So she's a party animal...but...you never stated how she interacts with her kid. So...does she neglect him? ._.; Or...am I missing somethin here?)
Fourth paragraph, pretty solid. Last sentence is a fragment, by the way.
I notice your appearance is tiny. Are you giving the artist freedom? 'Cos if you aren't, it's really short. That might be because I'm going...AWR. SENTENCE, FOR PLZ. If you have an idea about their appearances, that's just too important to leave in list form. Another question. So we have his hair color. How long is it? How does he wear it? Is it going to change as he grows up? Same for those bat wings. Do they grow with age, or are they always going to be tiny? (Those last questions only apply if you're not giving artistic freedom. Otherwise, feel free to ignore.)
Okay...on to Viola. If you want to give a small list of adjectives before hand, I suggest limiting it to three. ^^;; Extremely nitpicky, yes, but it's called 'the magic three' for a reason. (*should stop quoting her writing class now*)
...please break up text. (See Ary's post below, that's what I mean.) The wall sorta makes me cringe and not want to read. (*continues to be totally nitpicky*)
First paragraph, no issues.
Second paragraph...er, I thought Sevy was the one who cared what everyone else thought? Or do you mean that she just gets really guilty afterwards?
Third paragraph, kudos! Writing about quirks, strange habits and fears makes the reader so, so happy. It makes her that much more of a 3D character! Yay! (On that, a small note. Why does authority make her nervous? Is it the normal little kid, ahh, adult! sort of fear, or something more? If more...why is it amplified?)
Paragraph four, more quirks! <3 Except, I'm a little confused. Above, she sounds impulsive and fearless. As we work our way down...she seems...more...squishy, I guess. Why is she so quick to tears? Maybe all the boldness was an act? o_O; I'm sorry, I'm just sorta confused.
Paragraph six...is Vanille the reason she's afraid of surgery and needles? Did she accompany him to work and see something tramautizing once? (It could totally be an accident.) ^^;; Otherwise, I'd have to wonder why she's so nervous if she'd be exposed to it fairly often. Wouldn't that just be de-sensitization? (Oh god, I totally buchtered that word. ._.;;; )
Appearance, same as above.
...if she's so useless, why did Vanille...nevermind, she did it herself. x3;
Rye Personality
She doesn't just, she just smiles and enjoys your company, no matter how gloomy you might be.
...she doesn't just...what? ._.;;
...so...why is making someone relax a pain? x3;; If I was another person around, I'd be so greatful she's trying to calm said 'mood-swing' guy around. Also, what's wrong with believing in people? Why does she hide it with horoscopes? Seems really...weird.
...appearance, same as above.
History, I'm pretty cool with that. Short, concise, to the point. So, no college for Rye, huh? x3; *throws Zack at her* >>;; Anywho. I'm just curious as to why she finished high school. Her mom's dead and she needs money. Did she plan on going to college and change her mind? Did she promies someone? I'm just curious, 'cos dude, if it were me, I'd drop out so I could make the money to keep my home and feed myself.
...your picture makes me go...whuuut? 'Cos he's human, yeah? Why is there a sheetghost? *could be wicked, wicked slow*
...text wall. >_>;;;
Ohhh, first paragraph. Conflict and reason, right away. Kudos.
Second paragraph, again, pleases me. Is this why Viola doesn't like it? *curious* Does he neglect her for his job, even if he doesn't mean to?
Third paragraph, fourth paragraph, fine. Same with fifth, except the second sentence is worded strange. You say 'to the point of' a lot. Is there a way to say that differently? ^^;
Vanille Personality
As a parent, he's very strict and gets angry when his rules aren't followed, but any child he's irked with could just go to Vanille and get the ruling overturned.
...do you mean they go to Rye? (Good paragraph, though. I'm glad you stated his parenting technique.)
...hates his daughter? o_O;;; That's a very strong word. I know it's love/hate...but...hate? Are you sure? ._.;;; Is there another way to say it? Parents hating kids is definitely Not Good.
Appearance...yay sentences! Is there any chance you could flesh it out a little, though?
...text wall. (I'll stop mentioning it now, I swear.) Bummer of a history, though. (Would a surgeon be on call? *honestly has no idea* I know nothing of doctors...but it seemed strange he'd be in the ER if his speciality is surgery. Maybe this is actually how it works. ._.;; I have no idea. I'm just wondering.) I do like the history though, from a reader's standpoint. (I pity poor Vanille! ;0; ) You made me feel for him, kept it pretty too the point without making it cut and dry. I don't really see any reason to change much.
...info, can't critque, really. It's info. But maybe add more to the incubus? Succubus seems more...juicy? x3;
Writing samples, I leave alone. After all, I don't read your posts beforehand. x3;
...okay, powers. In general, I'd like to see a Pro and Con to each power. They don't have to be long. EX. Attraction - Pro - Gets all the dates they ever want. Con - Meet some rather undersirable people. Stalkers. <-- That's super lame. >_>;; And off the top of my head. But you researched these creatures, so I'm sure you have something more interesting to say! x3;; Don't even do a pro and con if you don't want, I just want to know how it effects others and themselves. For example, what happens if the hypnotise themselves? Are they stuck? (Boy, that would suck.)
If they are incubus/succubus...why did the scientists put the 'desireable' genes into them? o_O;; Wouldn't their species allow that naturally?
Hypnotism...is that godmodding? ^^;; It's a vocal thing? You have room! Explain it! Do they sing? Do they chant, repeat, change the tones of their voices? Why does being sleepy make them hypnotize themselves? (This could explain itself if you answer the before thing.) Also, what happens if they do hypnotize themselves
For the emotional energy...I'm a bit confused. Would pulling strength make the other one weaker? Do they do it often, or is it something they need to be careful about?
Last power sounds cool~
Okay. Done. Hope you find this useful. Overall, it's pretty good...but...you failed to mention any of their supernatural, so to speak, in the personality. They're different. Do they know it? They are an incubus and a succubus, don't they have urges to like...use people sexually? Wouldn't they need to get energy that way? Wouldn't they get weak if they don't get...life force, or something, from others? If they don't want to use people, shouldn't they find a way to get energy otherwise? They aren't human...but I don't see any of those not-human traits, except for their powers. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough...
In any case, they seem like pretty solid, believable characters otherwise. I hope you have fun with them~!
