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Rant for today: C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-collllllldddddddddddd @_@

I hope this resolves for you and that you find a nice girl. You are going to college and that is a great place to find one so keep your eyes and ears open. But yah, the wait can be painful and tiresome and makes ya just want to give up.

oh i know when i should and shouldn't eat stuff.. but i just can't do it, not even to treat myself with anything.. i feel so guilty if i do it, and i've not eaten doughnuts in goodness, it's been ages.. i stopped eating those, when i learned my favorite kind had a lot more calories in it, then one should be eating with just one item.. i went to these meetings march or april, i can't remember when.. i had to go, cause my mom wanted to go so i had to take her.. took up my entire weekend, was horrible.. not the point, and he was talking about being healthy and exercising and stuff.. everything he said i had already done.. of course i wasn't looking the way i am now, i think during those i was still kinda up there in size.. but right now it's just a fear thing for me now.. cause i was fine, up until like 5 months ago.. i know if keep eating right, portioning stuff, and continue with my exercising things will be fine.. but just like now i ate a bowl of cereal and i feel awful now.. so i most likely wont eat anything else today, if i do it wont be much.. i don't know what's happened to me, but it's not the first time eating has been an issue for me.. i am terrified of getting it back is my problem.. and it all of a sudden hit me like 5 months ago..

Rant: Getting caught off guard by the depressingnesses. It always happens when I've got nothing to do. i.e. no games, no other activities, no one to talk to/do stuff with.

Always happens when I think too much. I guess everyone is like that. With nothing to do I start to hover back to old habits; resenting myself for being single, for not being outgoing, for staying inside all the time playing vid games. Even knowing all this doesn't seem to help and it's times like these when my resolve and conviction that I've gotten better are stripped away. Moments of weakness, I guess. Also happens when I've run out of music to listen to.

I also have these moments when I think of the future. My parents aren't going to be around forever, what will happen to me, my siblings, etc. And then thinking about the comic. Trin's too busy until early next year. I'm afraid that if this doesn't pan out I'll have nothing else to fall back on. I'm also afraid that if Trin decides this isn't for him that most of what made the comic idea seem great will be taken away, too. He makes up a huge part of what makes the comic work; the dialogue, grounding the themes, etc. I'm afraid that that's something I'm just not cut out for.

I'm also the kind of person who needs ppl to do stuff for him. I mean, not literally, but it's like I need to be pushed, shoved, dragged. I keep waiting for someone to just come over and say, "Let's go out", but that never happens. I always find excuses. My existence is excusable? I don't know, I don't think so. Maybe I'm just lonely.

I'm re-thinking getting the Wii simply because of those reasons. Wii is great with lots of ppl, but I don't have lots of ppl.

Back to being afraid, I think I'm afraid of not being paid attention to. In some weird way I love attention. I love being the focus. Yet...I'm afraid of it, too. 'Fear of success'? That's what my therapist said. It's unusual...loving attention and feeling important, then being afraid when the spotlight's on. I don't get it. I hate feeling insignificant, yet I don't know if I'll ever be anything. I'm afraid that even if the comic takes off no one will care. Maybe it's because no one's read the script, that somehow I draw fear from that. If no one's reading it now, why will they read it later? Will they celebrate my success? I keep thinking ppl will just ultimately shrug it off. I'm selfish. I'm selfish, and I think I only become selfless when it earns me points. And when something doesn't go my way I only think of "but I did this for them", as if I've earned some right to something...I don't know. My selflessness is for selfish reasons, I think.

And at the end of the day, despite hating myself for feeling like this, I will say to myself, 'I just want to sit at home all day'. 'I will do things that earn me praise from others, for their sake not mine'. I think I've frozen up.

Fah, I dunno. I usually gots not much else to do sad I tell myself 'I need ppl to drag me out to a bar, or a club', but that's not gunna happen anytime soon...and the script is weird, I know. It's harder to tell who wrote it cause neither Trin nor I have settled on a set style yet for writing scripts, and it isn't our usual genre of writing (i.e. prose, novel, poem).

There ya go, Dave is collecting drinking buddies.

Well, most importantly, there's the fact I'm already here. Next, well. I don't need an ext. But next, people are coming to me. And there's no ice. Thus. I remain.