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 Posted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 8:59 am
(( Well. I'm Bravo right now, so I figured I'd go for Alpha. It's a little short, but it's to the point anyway... ))
Kamui walked through the forest. It really was a beautiful day. He stopped under a tree, and listened to the sounds of nature. The birds, the gentle breeze, it all was so beautiful. Then he heard something out of the ordinary. A branch snapped, and reflexively, Kamui jumped backwards, narrowly avoiding certain death, as the assassin fell, where Kamui stood only seconds ago. His initial reaction was anger. "Hey!" he shouted fiercely. He drew his sword, and pointed it at his enemy. "I'm sorry, but you picked the wrong guy to attack" Kamui said, coldly. He did not know why someone felt the need to have him assassinated, and at this point he didn't really care. All that mattered was the enemy in front of him. Kamui charged at the enemy and sent a horizontal slash towards the assassin's midriff.
Gear's critique: Not a bad job. My only complaints that you are a bit choppy with your sentences, and there are a few grammatical errors. Try to fix up your thoughts and make them flow a little better so it's not like reading a single thought chopped up into thirty pieces.
Rank: Bravo
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Posted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:05 pm
It nearly became nightfall as Oren walked through the forest. He headed back home from a pleasant fishing trip with his imaginary friends. The quiet stir of brushing leaves and Oren's boots clanking against the soft earth eased him. Then, something different rang through his eardrums.
A harsh brush of leaves and the sound of bending wood caught his attention. As Oren looked up to see the commotion, he noticed the silhouette of a man and the shimmer of a blade closing on his position. Out of fear and instinct, Oren ducked and buckled to the ground, trying to escape the imminent death. He heard the clank of metal against the ground, as well as the assailant's boots landing on the soft earth. Oren managed to jump behind the assassin's vantage point, and the assassin failed. Before the man could recover falling from the tree, Oren grabbed the bottom of the man's cloak and pulled him to the ground, using Oren's own body to trip the man backwards.
Unfit to fight a trained assassin with only a few fishing hooks in his pocket, Oren jumped up and ran home as fast as possible, where he would stay vigilant and keep his sword at the ready.
Gear's critique: You puppetmastered my assassin! Gah! Bad bad bad bad bad! Otherwise, you did good. eek
Ranking: Bravo
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Posted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 4:31 pm
Lina had been so focused on the adorable little bunny she was walking toward, she hadn't even noticed the man leaping from the tree trying to attack her. The sound of metal hitting metal rang through the air as she felt the blade hit her head, which almost felt as though someone had pulled a chunk of hair out. Rubbing her head as she turned around to face her attacker, Lina's face became pouty. "Ouch, why did you do that?" she asked whining as a round rod pushed out of her arm and fell into her hand neatly. With the press of a button, two laser blades shot from each end of the rod, which Lina now twirled in her hand playfully. "You could have at least waited until I was paying attention. Besides, I think you scared my bunny away," she said, rather irritated at the intrusion. "So, I guess talking this over is out of the question, then. Go ahead, make your next move," she offered as she continued spinning her sword around in circles like something one would see at a rave.
((I would have attacked with her, but that would have been out of character, since she isn't really the type to react like that, especially when the assassin is clearly not prepared to fight someone like her. For the record, this was just for fun. smile ))
The Real One
The cool summer day was the first Len had seen in a long time. For months, now, she had seen nothing but clouds and gray, and the air had been muggy and hot. It was almost hard to breath, on days like that, so she had spent most of her summer thus far sitting in her room and eating junk food and watching TV. Ever since Rin had died, Len hadn't been the same. Her time was no longer spent seeking adventure or practicing her techniques, but instead she spent her time lazing about like a normal teenager. She'd resigned to quit, and just try and be a normal girl for once.
When she had headed out of the house, her parents had seemed shocked to see her leaving. It had been months since Len had left just for the sake of getting out of the house. With a deep breath, though, she managed to force her feet to carry her out and away from her personal prison and back into the world. It felt good, she had to admit. The sun beating down, a cool breeze easing the heat, and birds chirping in the air. She would have to do this again, sometime.
Thoughts of Rin swam in her head when she saw the woods. How he had died. How much she missed him. All the days they had spent there together. A tear came to her eye, and she turned her head away from it. She had to go in there, and she knew it. Len had to conquer this feeling, or she would never be able to go back to having a normal life. No matter how hard she tried...
Entering the woods was never dangerous. It was where she had practiced with Rin, where he had taught her so much. Lost in thought as she walked to where they had spent so much time together, Len was snapped back to attention at the sound of a branch snapping above her. Her memories flooded back. A man in black, one swift move and Rin was dead. She reached for her sword, then remembered it was not there. Being normal wasn't safe. Thinking quickly, reflecting on all that she was taught, Len rolled across the ground, kicking her leg out toward the area just behind where she had been standing. Whoever it was, she knew he was coming from behind her, and he would be landing any moment right where her powerful kick was aimed.
Unless, of course, it was just a squirrel...
Gear's critique: Only two typographical errors, which is perfectly fine, and your post was very well fleshed out.
Rank: Alpha
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Posted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:38 pm
Well, I figured I might try to repost this once... Hakabakashii Alrighty then.. This is probably my best recent RP, even if it's from a while ago. It's a training bout between Strifer and myself out of another guild, and it doesn't begin until the end of the page, or even the start of the next. If you'd prefer to read my contribution to the Revres Under Fire RP you can find that here, about half way down through the next three to four pages.
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Posted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 6:08 pm
Strifer made his way along the small path in the forest. The sun was shining, the bird were singing, small rabbits were hopping across the path. God I hate traveling. Strifer's gunblade made small sounds as it bounced against his thigh with the walking motion. It was fully loaded with regular bullets and ready for anything this puny forest could throw at him.
Strifer reached into his jacket to pull out one of the many bottles of rum that found its way into his jacket. He had just uncorked the when a second thought occurred to him. There weren't any more annoying bunnies making their way across the road. No more birds were singing. There was a small sound of a branch breaking. "Son of a bi-" Strifer put his hand on his hat to make sure it would stay put as he sprung himself forward. He was too slow. The cold steel cut easily through his left shoulder. He tumbled to the ground and somehow managed a somersault. Strifer drew his blade with his right hand ad turned at the same time. The assassin stood with his blade in a position to strike.
Strifer's eyes held contact with the assassins. Neither of the men facing each other showed any sign of movement, fear, or surprise. Strifer made the first move of the two. His blade moved slowly up so that the gun barrel was pointed at the new foe. "Bang!" He yelled suddnly, with a wink moments after. "Don't worry, unlike you I have a sense of honor." Strifer moved the but of his blade down, putting it in a vertical position with the point towards the foe. Strifer lifted his injured arm, with out showing a single sign of the pain screaming through his body, and beckoned his foe to come at him.
Gear's Critique: You have a few rough edges. If you'd proofread your stuff, you could have caught a few errors, plus you very minorly puppetmastered my NPC by describing how he reacted to the situation. You're almost there, you just need a tad more practice.
Rank: Bravo
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Posted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 9:12 am
Hakabakashii Well, I figured I might try to repost this once... Hakabakashii Alrighty then.. This is probably my best recent RP, even if it's from a while ago. It's a training bout between Strifer and myself out of another guild, and it doesn't begin until the end of the page, or even the start of the next. If you'd prefer to read my contribution to the Revres Under Fire RP you can find that here, about half way down through the next three to four pages. You're going to need to follow the prompt if you want to be rated in this way. I understand that you don't want to be rated on your "best" since that's not how people normally RP, but I am going to use that as a basis, because if you accept a mission, you had BETTER RP your ABSOLUTE best, regardless of how long the mission goes on.
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 7:17 pm
Rogue walked down a dusty road, minding his own business and the sounds of nature. The trees he noticed were getting big enough to support a man on the limbs. He hadn’t heard a single bird or another animal for that matter for the last thirty feet or so after entering that section of the dense forest. For a person who likes being in nature, Rogue was on guard, he knew that only reason for no animals was someone or something was there, but to where was unknown to him.
Rogue stopped under a tree to listen and look for signs of movement. The sound of a branch alerted him to the assailant’s position above him. Rogue had just enough time to use his own sword hilt to defect the momentum of the assailant’s weight and sword away from him. The total momentum pushed Rogue to the ground on his side with the assailant landing away from him, but the assailant sword caught Rogue’s leg, piercing it all the way through, just above the ankle and between both shin bones.
The sword pinned Rogue’s leg to the ground. He unsheathed his sword and studied his would-be killer to get his mind of the pain. Rogue wondered why the assailant wanted him dead. “Well,” Rogue yelled at the assailant, with pain in his voice, “Are you going to try to finish me off?” Rogue sat up and raised his sword, then threw the scabbard at the assailant.
Rank: Alpha
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 7:53 pm
The_Master_Wielder @ Hakabakashii, The only real requirement is that you give us something to Grade you on. It's not so much supposed to be your best, necessarily, just a representation of your skills. If you want, send me a link to an full RP you've taken time on, posted plenty of times, etc... and I'll rank you on that. We're really pretty flexible. There appears to be a bit of dissent on the matter, Ritchie. You can hardly blame Hakabakashii for responding to what he was told by the other leader of the guild.
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 8:20 pm
ChibiSuinjitsu The_Master_Wielder @ Hakabakashii, The only real requirement is that you give us something to Grade you on. It's not so much supposed to be your best, necessarily, just a representation of your skills. If you want, send me a link to an full RP you've taken time on, posted plenty of times, etc... and I'll rank you on that. We're really pretty flexible. There appears to be a bit of dissent on the matter, Ritchie. You can hardly blame Hakabakashii for responding to what he was told by the other leader of the guild. Wielder was merely saying what he thought to be true, as officers we have the right to say what we think is true to the best of our ability in order to guide people. Wielder thought that it would be ok if he posted a link to a thread, but as commander and chief Gear has the final say on all matters. And what he says goes. 3nodding Though no one blames hakabakashii for following wielders directions, because as far as his knowledge was concerned, posting a link to his thread was the correct thing to do (especially since he asked to make sure it was ok 1st). So Gear is simply pointing out that wielder was incorrect in this case, and giving the correct directions. The other mods and me will make future reference of this transaction so that we can better guide people in the future (and not give incorrect instructions xp )
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Posted: Sat Feb 13, 2010 9:52 am
(( Alright, I fixed mine up so It'll flow better ))
Kamui walked through the forest, looking around and realized that it really was a beautiful day. He stopped under a tree, and listened to the sounds of nature, the birds, the gentle breeze, it all was so beautiful. Then he heard something out of the ordinary when a branch snapped. Kamui reflexively jumped backwards, narrowly avoiding certain death as the assassin fell, where Kamui stood only seconds ago. His initial reaction was anger "Hey!" he shouted fiercely as he drew his sword, and pointed it at his enemy. "I'm sorry, but you picked the wrong guy to attack" Kamui said coldly. He did not know why someone felt the need to have him assassinated and at this point he didn't really care because all that mattered was the enemy in front of him. Kamui charged at the enemy and sent a horizontal slash towards the assassin's midriff.
Sagi's Critique: Better, I think it would be safe to switch you to Alpha rank.
Rank: Alpha
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Posted: Sat Feb 13, 2010 11:23 am
The air was calm and the trees stood at a stand still. Eeverything was in order while the young Chris walked the path. The sun shines strong along the tree tops as only some light was able to make its way though the leafs. Flowers had created a sort of sweet smell in the air, all seems right with the world at this moment.
Chris was very calm and collective while enjoying his walk. As Chris looked down he noticed a shine of light that was refected off of something above. In an almost split second he knows that his life was in danger and that action needed to be made. The partial look of a human face started to be seen in the sword Chris had at his side. Chris had moved his head, half down to his back down to the ground as if he were a master of the dance. Chris then in the same moment moved his hips and legs upward as if he were about to spin on his head. As the assassin came down with his deadly sword, Chris shifted his body 175 degress and used his shoes to grab the side of the blades. Chris then moved his legs as if he was doing a front flip but upside down to move the blade to the side in front of him as Chris was now on his feet, facing the sword. Before the assassin would be able to strike him at the ribs, Chris moved his own sword up a bit to block the blade just in case.
The moment became tense as the assassin looked Chris in the eye ready for a possible long fight to the death.
-Place Critique below line if you would like-
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Sagi's Critique: Really very good, just a couple really minor errors. I caught that a couple of times you used the wrong tense for your verbs. Just polish that up and you'd be good to go.
Rank: Bravo
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:46 pm
(Oh dear, this'll be my first time posting in such a serious rp! Here goes!)
The day was beautiful. The sun was beaming, squirrels chittered as they jumped branch from branch, and the greenery seemed to sway in the light breeze. It almost seemed as if this day had a magical tinge to it; things seemed to be overly cheery and almost sparkled in the bask of the golden lighting. The little dirt path wound through the forest lazily, and a babbling brook could be heard in the background.
Guila ignored all this as she strolled along, muttering to herself as she intently studied a book in front of her. The book itself was huge and it sagged, seemingly full of dust and useless information. On the cover was an anatomical drawing of red frog; hardly something one would look for on a cover. Every now and then the golden-haired teenager would stop and adjust her fake cat ears, picking up anything that fell from her backpack. The backpack hung loosely upon her form, gaping wide open at the world as it occasionally threw out some papers or a jar of unidentifiable liquid.
Guila twitched in annoyance as she felt even more jars fall out of her bag. With a huff, she declared, "This backpack is useless! I knew I shouldn't've trusted Kiju when she said it would help me, that lying hobo!" Fuming silently, she bent down to pick up the jars when the book slipped out of her hands to plop onto the ground, throwing up a mixture of dust and dirt. Guila's eyes widened almost comically and she chucked the jars in her bag before diving towards the book, nearly tossing it up into the air in her anxiety.
"Oh god! That's on rental too! Kiju is so dead when I get back! She better give me my packs back, this stupid thing is so useless; it caused me to drop the book!" The girl fretted to herself, feeling like tearing her hair out in frusturation. She picked up the large book and held it up into the air, attempting to shake all the dirt out. Ignoring the dirt that was now falling near her eyes, she stared upwards at the treetops, trying to figure out how much time she had left till she needed to return to the campus.
It was only by chance that she saw the mysterious man. Guila was frozen to the ground as the assailant fell towards her, sword extended and ready to cleave her body in half. However, time was against him, in a manner of speaking. Instead of chopping Guila in half, his sword was stopped part of the way into the large book.
Guila scrambled backwards, eyes wide as her breath and heart pounded at the close call. A few moments passed in silence, and her heart slowly returned to its normal palpitations. That was, of course, before she noticed the book on the ground, sword still stuck in it.
The teenager bristled dangerously. How dare he? How dare he?! Attempting to take her life was all fine and dandy; after all it was a dog-eat-dog world out there and Guila didn't doubt that he had a good reason for trying to kill her. But damaging her book? An expensive book that was on rental?! The girl felt rage start bubbling in her as she stared murderously at the attacker.
She slowly got up on her feet, stumbling a bit. She glared at the mystery assailant and pointed at him, saying, "You! For damaging my book, you are going down!" She knew that she was at a disadvantage; the man was an unknown and could have any manner of powers or weapons. She herself only had a few throwing knives some empty syringes, which were weapons in their own right, and a small broadsword she barely knew how to use and only carried around to bluff people. However, this didn't matter to her.
Eyeing the man, her hands disappeared into her sleeves and retrieved five knives which she immediately threw. Dodging to the side incase he tried to attack back, Guila smiled grimly. She could almost imagine Kiju in her head, the cat-woman tsking and smirking at Guila, almost gloating in the fact that Guila was prepared to fight so hard for only a book.
Guila grinned. Whatever happened now, she was ready; people didn't mess with her education and get away scotch-free. Even if it meant going back home to a triumphant neko who would tease her mercilessly about it.
Sagi's Critique: Enjoyable to read and flawless, if this is your first time posting in a serious rp, it's time to go pro.
Rank: Alpha
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Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 2:16 am
In the daylight, the sweet pink delight of cherry blossoms were always intoxicating to Stephani. Her electric blue eyes lallygagged on the falling petals in the cool breeze. The breeze spun the world around like a spinning top, making her feel sick to her stomach. She giggled at her pain and leaned against a black ebony tree.
"Little Johnny gave mommy too much!" Her pale hands fussing her black hair. She slid on the ground.
Johnny was such a bad boy, running that bar all by himself. The smell of good Japanese rice wine enveloped her nose still. The dark lights, the chattering shadows. He kept tapping black glasses against white tile counter. His voice coming back.
"What's a woman like you doing out here in the middle of nowhere town?" His blue eyes lashed up her skin.
She twiddled with her hair and leaned back, "I don't know. What's a boy like you running a bar like this all by yourself. Where's Judy Tran?"
The boy blinked a few times. His face getting closer to try and try to get a look at her face, "How do you know Judy?"
She backed off from him, covering her features in the shadow. She waved him off.
"Friends boy. We're friends..."
She grabbed her knife and stood up again, dawdling along the path. Using her knife to dig against the trees. Thump, thump, thump! She kept dawdling forward.
"Well, at least my son is safe and well. Can't have a perfectly blessed life for him, that would have me worried!" She was cackling like the old, drunk spinster she was. In the midst of all the world of men she had killed and seduced, one actually had the guts to seduce her with love.
She kicked the tree a time and time again, it shaking around like a 8.0 earthquake on the Richter scale. "Stupid little son of a b***h! What I wouldn't do to kill him for ruining my life for a whole year!" Running around the world, carrying a child, feeling like an invalid, that was all Stephani had done that whole year twenty years ago. Back and forth trying to make a friend. Then Judy Tran, the Queen Mab of baby doctors, helped her in exchange for her son.
Stephani pulled her knife from the tree and fell on her backside again. Her body let out a spurt of air as the pain made a growl in her diaphragm. "Was it even a good thing for him to think that he was abandoned?"
She rubbed her back and arched for a stretch. She stood up to fumble forward again on her march. Amongst the color of pink, brown and green her mustard yellow jacket muddled along. They had vomited together in a chunky splash of disgusting colors. She gagged covering her mouth, still staggering forward. She swallowed her bile back. Her feet shivered for the next step onwards.
Stephani heard a crack of a branch. She said, "Hello there Mr. Opossum how do you do?" She bent her head up towards the sky and instead of seeing a giant, happy, hopping rat, she saw a giant leaping black shadow darting towards her with a giant blade.
She fell back on her butt her left leg giving her a giant scar to add with her other memory makers.
"Oh come on! I just got those stitches removed!" Her lightning blue eyes bolting at the stranger in anger. A blade popped out of her jacket sleeve and she kicked with her right leg to stagger back and give space between them.
Before she died she knew she had to tell two people the truth. This was not going to be the day the grim reaper took her soul to the grave.
Sagi's Critique: Overall it's good, but the two character dynamic could use some work. You should probably start right away mentioning there's 2 people in the scene, and state what each one is doing. Also try to make the dialog clear as to which one is talking and what they're both doing at any given point in time.
Rank: Bravo
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Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 9:25 pm
Ming walked through the shaded wood, enjoying the cool air in contrast to the blistering sunlight. There weren't many places this beautiful where she lived, and she had come hundreds of miles to be here, surrounded by more than just desert and open space. In the valley she was at peace.
She almost didn't think twice about the snapping of a branch above her, but her instincts took over and she moved as quickly as she could away from the sound. A sharp pain on her arm alerted her to the reality of the danger, and blood began to seep from the wound. "I wish you hadn't done that, my friend," she said, sadness in her voice before turning to face her attacker. Before he had the chance to strike again, Ming pulled from the base of her umbrella a sword. Holding the umbrella out as a shield, and the sword in the other hand, she charged him with a straight jab. Sagi's Critique: Missing a comma here and there.
Rank: Bravo
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