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 Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 1:06 pm
"Yeah.. there is." He murmured back, uncertain how to specify and explain to Chance. His problem was complicated, almost convoluted. There was no simple way of explaining, which was probably why there was no simple way of fixing it either. "I been.. kinda doubting my own character, lately." His eyes kept to the unjudging sky, his gaze hazy as he slowly trudged through his mind. "I was worried I'd given up somethin... Maybe virtue, or some other concept. I got myself in hot water, and... it threw me off so much, I just didn't know what I was supposed to think or feel, cause I felt like what I wanted was wrong." From Zac, to asking for space from Cami and Maebe. He'd been led to feel anything he did honestly was wrong, wrong, wrong. "SO I guess I stopped trusting my own judgement." And his own heart. His own body. He didn't trust an inch of himself to do well.
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 1:33 pm
Chance rubbed a hand down the side of his neck, considering this. "'Virtue' is kind of a subjective term," he said thoughtfully. "It's a weird term, as it implies that you're trying to put yourself on some sort of level as someone else. But what you perceive as morally or ethically or virtuously wrong might be what someone else sees as right. And vice versa," he added.
His fingers tapped absently along the inside of his arm, along the tattoo that was still somewhat tender, still new. "Is it that comparison that worries you?" Chance asked. "The idea of how someone else will see you, or just how you see yourself?"
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 1:37 pm
"I um.. think it's a lot of both." He replied, "As much as I like to think I don't care... I care a lot what people think of me." Too much. He was sure he never used to. But now he was an open target for the thoughts and feelings of others. He wanted to be liked. Desired. Adored. It was sickening. The fear of being rejected and cast out.. it hurt his stomach thinking of it.
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 1:40 pm
"And therein lies the hardest part, I think," said Chance, not unkindly. He gave Otto a small smile. "Caring about what people think is usually okay on a certain level, but comparing what you do to what they do isn't ever easy, because all you do is let yourself down."
He brought a leg up and rested his elbow on his knee, his chin in the palm of his hand as he surveyed Otto.
"How do you see yourself, when you look at yourself right now? Just in the form of some adjectives."
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 1:48 pm
Chance was right of course. Again. Copying the ways of others would lead to an island of clones, not individuals. And he didn't want to be like everyone. He just... Otto hummed, thinking over Chance's question with a tired gaze. Therein was the hardest part. How could he possibly describe something he no longer understood? He relied on what other people said of him, and that... did that mean he just adapted to what they said? He was a failure, so a failure he'd be. He was a grouch, and so he was. But... no there had to be more to him.. Why was this so hard? Shouldn't this be easy? That was what hurt most, right then. He wanted to be able to clearly give just one word. At least one. But nothing came to mind. "I don't know.." He mumbled, his gaze falling. "I don't..."
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 1:59 pm
There was something deeper tucked away inside of him, something heavy weighing on Otto's shoulders. Chance's expression was scrutinizing, but he also genuinely wanted to help him figure himself out. He couldn't even say himself that he knew who he was, but there was something very despondent in his tone of voice, in that singular phrase - "I don't know."
"Maybe that's where you start," said Chance softly. "For instance - " He gestured upwards. "I like space, so that kind of makes me a nerd, which is the first word to come to mind. I like learning, so I like to think of myself as intelligent."
His smile was a little crooked, slightly amused. "Even if I'm kind of all over the place when it comes to actual emotions, I know that I like a good time, so that makes me interested. Other people might call it less appealing terms, like slut, or loose, but..." He shrugged. "I just see it as having a good time, so I see myself as relaxed."
Chance idly wound a curl around his index finger. "It's all about perception. You seem to have...somehow lost the idea that you are, in fact, a human being with thoughts and feelings and emotions that are catered to you specifically, that make you who you are. Your notion of yourself is that 'nothingness' that you said made you frustrated before, right..? Is that why you're frustrated?"
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:10 pm
Maybe he did need an example. Chance went on, and patiently went through his own descriptions. He compared his idea of who he was to how others might see it, but it didn't stop him from believing in himself. It was inspiring. "I guess it is." He wasn't sure he felt he was nothingness.. he did feel like he was worthless. Worth nothing. If he was worth nothing, then what else to him would be worth mentioning? So he dared, and risked to try and piece himself together. "I'll.. give it a shot." He said with a small huff, getting up to an upright position. It was dizzying, but he remained. "I like music.. I play the drums and I like to sing... So, that'd make me a musician.." He tested it out, sounding kind of... good about it. A label he'd not have placed on himself. It sounded too prideful for a man who was worth nothing, right? But.. he liked the sound of it. It was a piece. A piece of who he felt he could be. "I read books for fun. That makes me..." He didn't read a whole lot, but he liked it as a quiet time hobby. However, what title could go with that? "...Literate?" Was that even a trait worth mentioning? His lip curled as he pondered why he'd bothered trying this game. "I'm crabby in the mornings. Kinda emotional in general." Kind of very emotional. Something he'd equated to being negative.
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:20 pm
Otto sitting up was an encouraging sign; Chance gave him a smile and a nod, wordlessly acknowledging the effort he was making.
"Being a musician is pretty awesome," he said, eyes twinkling in the dim light from the stars. "I could never play an instrument myself, but I always wanted to learn. And you not only do one thing, but you do two, which is damn impressive and definitely qualifies as a musician."
He kept nodding the more that Otto talked. "Reading books for fun is something I do too," said Chance, catching the beginning signs of frustration in Otto's face. "It makes you interested in the world, and it makes you creative and thoughtful, doesn't it? You read to explore other worlds, you read to enjoy yourself, so that makes you intelligent - and well-read, is I think also an applicable term."
A gentle breeze fluttered though the air, rifling their hair. Chance slid his fingers through his own to tamp it back down, then rested his hand on the back of his head.
"So you're not a morning person," he said with a little grin. "You're a night owl, like me. Emotional in general could also be read as empathetic, or sympathetic. You experience things deeply, right?"
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:29 pm
"I learned young, but I always loved music." He mused, remembering the day his grandfather bought him his drums so vividly. His adopted parents were not as musically inclined as Otto, but they had an eclectic taste in radio stations which kept Otto's interests entertained. Otto looked up at Chance again. And there he went, able to find things to say about Otto from one little clue like reading. He nodded along. He did find other worlds fascinating, explored the worlds through books as if he'd left Earth altogether. The breeze once again loosened Otto's bangs about, making him have to hold the long blonde locks up and away from his face. "Yeah, I guess I do." He felt things so loudly and deeply that every small quip hit like a train. "I take stuff seriously. Too seriously, I guess." Empathy and Sympathy. Was it those things that made him worry for those he cared for? It wasn't just the selfish want to justify himself? Slowly, he allowed himself to think so. He was human, not a warped monster who sought to suck the world dry for his own gain. "I like bein' alone a lot. I hate crowds. I prefer talkin' one on one with someone rather than at a party." He hated parties. A lot. He seemed to realize something then. "Maybe I ain't as lost as I thought.. I'm still me.." He was still himself. He still had preferences and traits and quirks. Circumstances changed, and perspectives changed... but Otto was still Otto.
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:43 pm
"I like music too, but I'm no musician," Chance laughed. He reached out, lightly tapping Otto's shoulder with his knuckles. "But see, that's a constant - you've always loved music, which means that it doesn't go away, it's just inherently there for you to find again when you think you've lost it."
He pulled his arm back and smiled, resting his head on it again. "Taking stuff seriously is good, but there are also times when it's okay not to take stuff too seriously," he said mildly. "You care a lot, I can tell that just by what you're telling me. You care, and that's why it's so hard, because you're one of those people that's like a sponge, just absorbing emotions into yourself, which is why you're empathetic. You can understand a lot more than what people might give you credit for."
Otto was interesting, that was for certain; Chance felt oddly at ease talking to him, trying to talk through to him with what was weighing him down. He wasn't quite sure why that was, but it didn't change the fact that he actually genuinely wanted to help.
A peculiar sensation, Chance thought, but that was all right. Peculiarities were what made life better.
"So you're an introvert, and also very loyal," he said. "I don't mind parties, but it's nice to be able to just not have to worry about crowds sometimes. One on one is more comfortable, easier to converse and relax."
Chance's expression softened a little. "I don't think you're too lost," he said with a small smile. "I think maybe you took a turn somewhere you didn't expect, but you're just learning new things about yourself and rediscovering what you already knew."
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:54 pm
He lightly swayed back from the lazy tap to his shoulder, a small twitch in his mouth that might have been a half assed attempt at a smirk. Why was Chance so good at this? He was casually and calmly piecing together clues, pointing out things that maybe should have been obvious. Or maybe not. Perhaps Chance was just the sort of person who could see thing like this. The sponge theory clicked. It made sense. He'd taken on too much, and needed his time alone to wring himself dry again. That wasn't selfish. It was just what he needed to do. He'd never really stay away from people for all time. He couldn't. He wasn't sure he understood much like Chance said he might.. at least nothing he could form into words. But he did care. Caring was good. It was a virtue he could hold dear. "You might be right." He nodded. "I did turn somewhere.. and I was so sure I was ******** everything up. I let it just... destroy me.." And in turn, he destroyed others in his frantic drowning. "I think.. I need to just accept the new things.. and not fight them so much." He nodded, heaving a slow breath out. "I owe a few apologies." He gave Chance a smile. "You're really good at this. How old are you? You sure you ain't a bearded wise man on a mountain?"
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 3:07 pm
The coffee was now cold, but he'd stopped drinking it about ten minutes ago anyway, as there were much more interesting things to take into account. Chance's fingers strayed to the snowflake pin on the front of his shirt - Asher's emblem - and he absentmindedly twisted it, a small smile on his face because he thought he'd seen the hint of a smile on Otto's face, and that was a little rewarding in and of itself.
"It's like when you're driving a car," said Chance, "and your wheel blows. Most people panic, they hit the brakes, and then crash into something on accident. It's not their fault, it's just a knee-jerk reaction, but it's an unpleasant and painful consequence. But what you're supposed to do is keep your hands on the wheel and try to ease the car back into control, little by little, without oversteering, which is kind of also a knee jerk reaction."
He dropped his hand down to his lap again. "You hit the brakes instead of readjusting, I think," he said, glancing at Otto. "In this metaphorical scenario, of course," Chance added, smiling. "Let the new things come as they are and enjoy them as they come. It's okay to find and like new things, it doesn't mean you don't like the old things, it just means you're adding to what you do like."
A laugh escaped him, genuine and slightly surprised, and Otto was smiling at him, which was equally rewarding. "I'm twenty-three," said Chance with a grin. "But thank you, I don't think I would look that great with a beard..."
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 3:13 pm
Car analogies. He'd done the same with Maebe. This was becoming funny. But it made it clear, and something he could grasp and understand. Visualize. A tangible idea that wasn't nothingness and space. The beard comment made Otto chuckle. " Me either." Otto said with a smile and a laugh. What made him more mirthful at the thought was he'd actually been given a fake temporary beard by Hel. It was only funny now, in that moment. "Yours'd be like.. super curly. Like a black haired santa." He imagined it jokingly, but it made him want to laugh again. And he did. A lot. He imagined a long fro like beard swaying gently in the breeze, and it killed him dead.
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 3:19 pm
Chance snorted with laughter. "I think you look good without a beard; if you had one, you'd look like one of those garden gnomes, I think," he said, mimicking the long, pointy beard with his hand.
But Otto was laughing, and it was much more appealing and much more reassuring than the despondent, uncertain face he'd been wearing before. Chance's laughter rang out alongside, until it echoed across the empty training field, filling in the spaces where crickets should have been chirping and owls should have been hooting.
It was somehow liberating; he hadn't laughed this hard in a long time; he'd been amused at a lot of things, but the sort of mirth that Otto was letting go was simultaneously contagious and gladdening, because it meant that he was letting go of something deep inside of him.
"I'd be the worst ******** Santa," said Chance, a little breathlessly, a few minutes later. "I'd just drop s**t off and be like 'here you go, where are the cookies.' "
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 3:27 pm
A garden gnome. He'd have tried to be snippy, and ask if it was a short joke. But he couldn't stop laughing enough to bother. It felt good. Liberating. While he was indeed amused at the mental image he'd painted, a great deal of the mirth was simply stress relief. His body couldn't contain the tension he'd held back so long, and it came out as laughter. It left him feeling lighter, and even a little dizzy. "Naw, like.. go through the bag and sneak out the real good toys. I could use a longboard..." He joked idly, rubbing his eyes free of the tears he'd shed just from laughing so hard. They'd be terrible Santas, for sure.
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