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I want to cry, I so anxious. My myspace account was hacked and I had to change my password. It was a spammer. They got into my account and started spamming random people. I even checked my sent mail to see for sure. One person sent me a message saying I was reported. ;.; I then sent a message to myspace about this. I am so freaking scared right now that anyone can get into any one of my various accounts.

I turn 30 tomorrow. Not happy about it. And I'm not happy about still being single. I'm even less satisfied with my choice. Starting tomorrow or even today. No more seeking out relationships. Let them happen. Find friends and let things go from there. Dating sites? If I have profiles there, then I'll leave them there and if someone responds, we can go from there, but that's it. I will not seek anyone out for more than friends. If it happens, I'll let it. I'm going to learn to be more comfortable being single. Better to be single and enjoy it rather than be miserable and looking, right? Right. But who am I kidding, it's really going to be hard and I might just stay miserable about being single.

I'm turning 30 and women are going to be looking older and older the more time goes on. I wanted to live my young life the way I wanted, but I wasted it being miserable. F 30 and all that number stands for for me!

I had a miserable day at work, except for one thing. Anyways, last night i put 4 new mp3s on my ipod and this morning only 1 of them would play. Which led to a snowball effect of catastrophic thinking. "What if i lose all my mp3s?" And I was on the verge of a panic attack, feeling overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, and all that. I managed off and on to pull myself out of it by saying how unlikely it is and so what if it happens. It won't be a big deal, right? Everything that went wrong during the day made me mad and it just grew. Every little thing. I even stood for a few seconds after something happened and breathed heavily to calm myself as if noone could tell what i was doing. I think I even had a slight growl one time.


Then I won $50. lol. That made my day..untill near the end where I started coughing relentlessly, because my anxiety was so high.

Anyways, I gotta put the ipod away for a little while and get back to fixing those songs when i feel better. like in a few days.

I'm upset. Very upset. With myself. I tried to split the cable from my parents' house into my room and bed zap. I had plenty of warning, but it didn't stop me. So what happened? Well, my tv no longer has sound makes a lot of noise through the speakers no matter what the volume is set at. It kinda screwed up my tivo, too. I've been anxious about it all this week. It happened monday. I keep waking up feeling awful, sometimes shakey. I cried a few times that night that it happened. On top of that I'm having money problems and I haven't before. If it weren't for that ticket and the few more hours I wish, in a way, I was working, then there'd be no problem. As things stand I'm going to pay my ticket probably today or tomorrow. Next week the two small credit bills and if my college loan payment has to be late, so be it. After thinking all that through including putting the tv repair bill on my credit and paying that with my tax return, I should be fine, but aren't I?

Ok, lotsa stuff going on in my life right now. it's crazy. both hate it and love it.

first the sad part. i was working a little extra today at work and my dad comes up behind me when i'm at the register and is like telling me that he needed the car, so he left me the truck and this is why. he tells me that he has to go downstate a little ways where my grandfather is....Grandma isn't going to last the rest of the day. She's had Alzheimer's for a long time now, so i guess it's her time. i fought some tears at work, which wasn't all that hard. maybe i feel detached from death or i was prepared for it. Actually I think if i was at the funeral, i'd be crying. I know the last time i was at a funeral and i didn't even know the guy and at one point before we left, i could hardly see for a few seconds. Funerals do that to me, so maybe i'm not detached from death....just gotta see it to believe it somehow, i guess.

Anyways, i get a call from emperion later that day for a job interview i've been waiting a long time for, so i set it up for monday, because i know i don't work on monday and i wasn't going to go to group that day, because i already had a doctor's appointment, so basically i figured spread them apart. Problem is is that there might be that funeral that day and a viewing, so my mom's thinking i may have to move the interview, which shouldn't be a problem. i can do it tuesday and then call work and say i'm not going to be there. i'm sure they'll understand. it'll all work out somehow, i'm sure. i really don't doubt that.

I feel the need to put this here in the Gami journal, because...well i'll explain in the end.

I had this dream that me and Winry were playing on a train that left my home town...(no there's no train in my town) and we got lost when we got out and found out that we were maybe 200 miles north. We went to find a way back and at some point she starts to sit down on the floor and takes my hand....she kisses me on the cheek and says goodbye and then i woke up.

The feeling I get in a dream when a girl kisses me or I get close to someone in a dream is unimaginable. I can't find someone in real life and when it happens in a dream, I can't stop thinking about it. My social anxiety when it comes to the opposite sex is pretty intense. Sure I can talk to someone I find attractive, now, but only professionally, like at work as in "how are you?" and "have a nice day." I may even be able to talk to one if they ask a question or two in or out of work. I can't approach them. Scares me to death. At least I've come as far as I have, but it's not enough. I want more. And I keep saying over and over that i'm 30(almost 31 come august 15th) and never having a real relationship like that. It makes me want to cry sometimes, because I want it so badly. They tell me it's fine if the person is 18, but not to me. That's too young in my mind. I won't go less then 10 years. Just seems wrong to me somehow. There's a maturity thing. Anyways, I'd love to talk this over with someone, if I could. So if anyone sees this, please message me in any way.

We’re not all perfect, right? And I’m not perfect, right? As far as I can tell, then, we are all scum, because we all do it. We’re down right pieces of s**t. Especially me. I’m now going to freely admit that I suck. I pass judgment on stupid, ignorant, people, some are assholes, some are just dumb. They do the same to me. It’s a vicious cycle. “Judge not, lest ye be judged” as the bible says. Guess what, we all do it. We’re all going to do it. It’s a vicious cycle that can not be stopped. We can only try to stop ourselves, but in the end we’re still the scum of the earth. We’re assholes and we deserve all the s**t life can put out. I suck, you suck, we suck together. There can be a bond here. We all suck. All the things we say or do to each other will never stop. The least we can do is try, but in the end we’re still going to do it.

The more I type out my frustrations with the world the further up my spirit goes. This sounds odd and even ridiculous, but hear me out. The more I think about this, the more I’m trying to reach for some kind of truth. Comments from other people I share this with, my own cycle of thoughts on previous writings and thoughts all generate more thoughts and push me harder into finding out how to become a better person for myself. I must continue these angry and sometimes self loathing writings till I can finally climb my way to the top where I want to be. Finding out the truth is what it’s all about for me. It’s not about trashing other people in this world. It’s about me. It’s all coming from me. It’s coming from self-hatred and self-loathing. I’m really loathing myself when i judge others.

I woke up ok this morning, except that by the time I got to work, I didn't have much time for breakfast, so i got something small. My mood then went down. I was kinda angry after this one unnamed csm gave me some attitude when i asked what register i was going to be on. She basically was telling me she was too busy to tell me and to look at the podium.....um, i did that....already....the paper wasn't there.....so i looked again, reluctantly, knowing full well that if i didn't find it, then i just wasn't going to go on register. bleh! I did actually find it, but anyway this one csm i don't like much anyway. she seems to give attitude a bit sometimes, even if all she thinks she's doing is pushing me along. Some other stupid things added to it that i don't even remember and my mood was still not good and then my register was shut down by another csm, asking me to help with carts for some reason. So, I was like "ok," and then another csm said was like nevermind the parking lot is empty and this was only a couple of minutes after i was shut down. I was a little...not angry, but bothered, i guess. It was in such a way that the only reaction inside I could get was laugh. lol. So I was pretty much ok from then on. It's just there were so many stupid things today, that that's all I could do was laugh inside.