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 Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 1:15 pm
Thoughts & Concerns:
1. My therapist isn't working, or perhaps I'm just not working. She gave me a list of coping skills (which I created) but I don't want to use them. It's easier for me to light up a cigarette than do something healthy, simply because I like smoking. But, everyone around me hates it so I'm forced to give it up as a coping method...even though I really don't want to.
2. My moodswings (most likely from bipolar) are becoming more frequent and noticeable. What I thought was just teen angst is turning out to be a serious problem, especially since I'm slowly leaving the teen years but my emotions are still shot to hell.
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2007 3:21 pm
My list of concerns for right now:
1. My favorite doctor is moving away.
2. I haven't stopped cutting, but everyone believes I have.
3. I don't feel like therapy has been much help, and I don't even look forward to going anymore. (they make my appointments months apart, anyways)
4. I get really depressed, and I have no one to talk to. But I'm not close enough to other people to actually talk to them. (I tried talking to someone, they just said, "And that's why you need a doctor."
5. I'll be starting college in August; moving to the other side of the country. I'm so afraid that I will ******** up, or I won't be stable enough to do my best.
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Posted: Wed May 30, 2007 5:10 am
So, I have no one to talk to. School is out, so I won't see my friends as often. The one friend I do talk to usually doesn't answer the phone. The parents are fighting, and I feel like s**t. So, I've been turning to self-injury to express my anger/sadness, since I don't really have a person to talk to right now.
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 5:33 pm
I wonder if my mental illness isolates me. I wonder if it's really obvious that there's "something" wrong with me. It would explain a lot, y'know? It would provide an explanation about never having a boyfriend, going through a lot of friends, and then only having 1 or 2 close friends. The scary thing is now I'm becoming jealous and hateful towards my only close friend.
Things that keep people away from me:
1. I'm emotional
2. I can be a b***h
3. I can be too sarcastic
4. I'm shy
5. It's obvious that I lack confidence
6. I always say the wrong things
7. I have a habit of becoming addicted to things (nicotene, cutting, etc....I bet people are thinking, "What's next? Alcohol and drugs?"
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Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 8:14 pm
I've been really stable lately, and it's because of the seroquel that I'm on. For once I've finally found some medication that helps. I think I can FINALLY say, "Woohoo, Life is good!"
But, the other day I tried making a list of all the pills I've been on, and I can't. I simply don't remember all of them.
Let's see:
A (somewhat) Timelime of All The Pills I've Had:
1. Some seizure medication, cannot remember the name.
2. Lexapro
3. Seroquel, Lorazepam, and something else.
4. Zoloft...or maybe zoloft was one of the above meds???
5. There was another pill in here somewhere...I remember being able to take it "whenever I felt like I needed it"
6. Lamictal
7. Seroquel, but this time by itself, and it seems to be working.
Geez... I feel like the Courtney Love of prescription drugs. gonk
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Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 7:05 pm
After 20 days in a row of feeling happy and stable, I feel depressed again.
I'm sad, I'm miserable. My life is boring. I'm not even living a life, I'm just existing. Right now my only friend is my pack of cigarettes. I desperately want a close friend who I can call at any hour. I desperately want someone to love me, I mean love like a boyfriend. I've never had that. Why am I denied that? I feel like no matter how hard I try I'll always have this sadness, and I'll always want to do bad things (first cigarettes, then a little alcohol...what's next? Becoming a druggie? an alcoholic?). I'm so afraid that 5 years from now I'll be a let down, loser, druggie/alcoholic loser, or that I'll end up killing myself. Either way it's all killing myself. I'm a stupid story, stupid stpid stupid. I don't care, whatever.
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Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 7:07 pm
I hate myself.
I want to kill myself, I want to swallow all my pills. No one cares about me, no one listens. I even opened up to my friends, none of them care. None of them want to help me. I mean, if I attempt suicide then they'll take me seriously. That's all I want. I want someone to hold me when I cry, I want someone to comfort me. But there is no one there. I'm all alone on this, and I hate being alone.
But if I attempt suicide then it'll ******** up my college, I won't be able to go. I'll waste all that money. Is that all I'm good for? Wasting money and other things. No wonder no one likes me, and no one ever asks how I'm doing.
Well, I'm doing horribly. My pills aren't working, and I even take more than my doctor precribes me. Nothing is helping. Suicide is looking really good, y'know. At least then it'll stop. There won't be any depression, all the cycles will end. That's all I want, is for it to end.
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Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 6:44 pm
I saw the Doc. today. He's going to put me back on Lamictal! That was the only drug that gave me peace (it gave me 20 days-straight of being stable!!). I need it so bad, I'm so unstable right now. I'm crying everyday, and I think of suicidal everyday.
If this drug stops working after awhile, then I'll go on Depakote. If Depakote doesn't work then it'll be Lithium. And if Lithium won't work then I'll just blow out my brains because I'm sick of fighting this "endless" battle of bipolar disorder.
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Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 5:09 pm
I thought things would be different in college, but I'm even more lonely here. My best friend (back home) rarely talks to me anymore. She was my support system, she was who I went to when my bipolar acted up. I haven't made any friends here, so now I have no one. I don't talk to anyone when I'm sad, I just sit in my apartment. Last week I was cutting at my wrists because I felt so shitty.
I'm so jealous of her. She made friends the first night she was in college, she gets invited to parties, she gets all the boyfriends. She's my best friend and I hate her.
The Dorothy Parker poem, "Symptom Recital" best describes how I feel:
"I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again."
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 8:59 pm
ONE YEAR LATER...
It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. So, here we go. Some updates:
While in college I got in 2 car accidents. This completely ******** everything up for me. I become severely depressed and didn't care about my school work. I wasn't on any meds, and didn't have a therapist while in college. I came really close to getting kicked out, and I tried to slit my wrist (a very weak attempt, but I still have a faint scar). I've graduated, but was too depressed to find a job during the summer. It's been a summer of sitting on my a** doing nothing.
I've decided I'm gonna move to a city with my friend, though it's not a very large city. I want to start over. I want a new personality.
I plan on getting on some meds in about a month, my doctor has given me a choice between: Abilify, Geodon, and Lamictal. I'll probably go with Lamictal because my NEW psychiatrist told me I was never on a "working" dosage of it, only small amounts.
Along with meds, I also want to start meditating, yoga, and aerobic exercise.
I'm worried about getting a job. It scares me. I'm afraid I'll be made fun of, I'll make a lot of mistakes, nobody will like me, etc. But, then sometimes I think I'm kick-a**...and people should be begging me to work for them! I hate these 2 different viewpoints battling it out in my head.
-Kiwi
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