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 Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2010 8:36 pm
Words of Advice:
for those who use formats for their post, and edit the previous post to get the format.
Never ever ever ever ever click the 'edit' button to get the format for your post.
INSTEAD, quote the post and use it straight from there (while obviously removing the quote code, and the old text from your post. leaving only the format.
Because, i seriously almost lost Cory's goodbye post forever, and i only found it because i have a tec savy mom who spent 2 hours w/ me searching for it in whatever means we could find possiable.
So yeaaaa, QUOTE NOT EDIT.
orr, you may have a breakdown like i did before we found Cory's post (which isnt even fully finished).
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 6:40 pm
Yay, I come back from my weekend and I see that a lot of posts were made, that makes me happy. I'm trying my best on my post but I may edit it soon because my mind is still focused on my story right now XD
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:05 pm
As promised, critiquing time!
Okay, what’s going on with his powers? What exactly is causing the shift, and when did it start? Its an interesting sub-plot, however if we get no details on it we can’t go with it. Add some more details; we need to know some things dealing with this before we can add it to our own post.
And, come on Tyler, where is Kyuubi’s emotion? Earlier in the RP, you brought the factor in that Kyuubi still missed Mitsukai, and thought about her still. Then after that post, you totally took it away. You never brought that factor back in, and it could seriously be a pretty big deal plot wise. That’s a huge character development, and little details like that really help the reader relate to the character and understand the character. You saw how I made Cory’s crush very evident, and eventually his feelings became a major plot twist. Face it, the girl that Kyuubi still cares about just came back and she’s looking better than before. Shouldn’t there be some sort of bigger emotion than just happy? Or, have you removed that twist completely? We don’t know, because you never posted a post where his feelings seemed to fade away, or remained there.
What I’ve seen in a lot of your post are hit and go emotions. The only constant I’ve seen is his issues with Satori. Sadly, very few people understand the conflict with Satori, and they have honestly just crossed that out of there roleplaying all together, when it should actually be a very evident plot twist. With other emotions, it’s always been a hit and go. Like his feelings for Mitsukai, you mentioned them one in like 2 sentences. Then, forgot them completely. However, the way you worded them should have made those feelings a reoccurring factor. Sure, you’ve somewhat implied that Kyuubi might feel something about her, since he’s always been there for her and you mention her often in your post. However, it’s almost as if she’s just a best friend and no one knows that they used to date ales they were in the RP around the very first post, which I said it. That could very well be a major factor, and honestly a really fun plot twist.
Also, Kyuubi doesn’t seem to have any other friends other than Mitsukai. Him and Joe should be considered great friends by now, since they obviously have spent a lot of time together considering that Kyuubi and Mitsukai were dating for about a year, and Joe is Mitsukai’s best friend. Plus, that’s the only group Kyuubi ever hangs out with.
I want Kyuubi to be a major character, and I want to know more about him. Sadly, so far he’s only been in the sidelines.
I always feel weird after I write those… & I have to give them almost every other time I’m in my creative writing class, lol. If you ever get irritated of my critiques, tell me. All right?
dude, did they take away the thing where you can change the post style? ): i cant find it...
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:17 pm
Thanks for the critique, and srry about the crappy emotions. I have so many characters mixed in may head, they are generally the same, but Kyuubi is the only one that is more serious. But I will edit my posts often depending on how I'm feeling at the moment.
And I love getting criticism on my writing, it helps me get better, I will accept it very openly.
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:25 pm
you know what ima do to help with that? we're making you abanon Vincent. we can say that his parents pulled him out of the school after his tragic kidnapping.
is that alright w/ you?
&, what i want you to do when you write is take a moment to read the post, the focus on Kyuubi. Think about how this would affect him, and how'd he'd react. remind yourself of aspects w/ him that stand out, then take your time to write. please, don't rush your post. i dont care about speed, i care about depth.
also, did you finish that 100 question thing? if so, you should post it for all of us to see (:
&, no problem. you dont have to apoligize or make excuses for anything. i'm here to help you grow as a writter, and it's all a process.
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:50 pm
Ya I'll get rid of Vincent.
I did finish the 100 question thing.
Part 1: The Basics
What is your full name? Kyuubi Katsukai
Where and when were you born? In a Dimension of Elemental Controllers,
Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.) His father, Ikaku Katsukai, was the King of the kingdom he lived in. He was merely chosen, when the area was in chaos. He was usually kind, but after he was King he became very serious. His mother, Shiba Katsukai didn’t like the idea of there being only one leader among the whole kingdom. She tried to teach her children this.
Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like? His brother, Satori Katsukai, used to be kind to his younger brother, but eventually wanted power and killed his parents hoping he could get that. Kyuubi was made king and this angered is brother. Now Satori constantly tried to kill Kyuubi and anyone he is in contact with.
Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people. He lives in a school called Genius Academy. He lives with other people who have powers. Though this is in another dimension, he feels more at home here.
What is your occupation? Kyuubi is a student.
Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks. He is about 6 feet tall. He weighs about 190 pounds. There is no race name for where he is from but he appears to be American. His hair is brown and his eyes are blue. He usually wears pants and a T-shirt. He has no tattoo, but he has a few scars on his arms and chest. Caused from either his brother or losing control of his powers.
To which social class do you belong? He is in a Royal Family but he chooses not to live that way. He likes to live more middle class.
Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses? He won’t hurt his friends. Anyone who threatens his friends, he won’t hesitate to attack them. This can make him lose control of himself if someone he cares about is hurt.
Are you right- or left-handed? Right
What does your voice sound like? It sounds like a general near adult voice.
What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently? N/A
What do you have in your pockets? Generally a pencil for his classes.
Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics? He still has feeling for Mitsukai so that makes him protective of her. Despite being serious sometimes because of all the stress he feels, he has a sense of humor. The stress makes it seem as though he can lose his mind at any minute.
Part 2: Growing Up
How would you describe your childhood in general? Very enjoyable being with his older brother. Kyuubi would manipulate the leaves and grass to mess around with his older brother.
What is your earliest memory? Accidentally burning down a forest but having his brother to help him out.
How much schooling have you had? He hasn’t had much school in his own dimension. After he went to Genius he became a natural at many subjects. He is in his second year at Genius.
Did you enjoy school? He enjoys his current school.
Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities? He had his abilities since birth. He learned to use them from a mentor that is now his advisor.
While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them. His father was a major role model. Even his brother was one.
While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family? He got along well with everyone in his family.
As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? He wanted to be King like his father, but did not want to be one so soon.
As a child, what were your favorite activities? His favorite activities as a child were playing with the grass outside and being with his brother.
As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display? He was generally a happy child.
As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like? He was popular but that was probably only because he was the King’s son. He had a few friends but they were all higher class as well.
When and with whom was your first kiss? It was in the city near the castle, with a girl who wanted to use him to get power.
Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity? No, with Mitsukai before they broke up.
If you are a supernatural being (i.e. mage, werewolf, vampire), tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities. If you are just a normal human, describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today.
He was born with his ability to control the elements. He could be considered an elemental.
Part 3: Past Influences
What do you consider the most important event of your life so far? Being able to be away from his the royal life.
Who has had the most influence on you? His father.
What do you consider your greatest achievement? Stopping his brother from killing his friends.
What is your greatest regret? Not being there for his parents to protect them from dieing.
What is the most evil thing you have ever done? Killing the Opposite Dimension’s Mitsukai in cold blood.
Do you have a criminal record of any kind? None
When was the time you were the most frightened? When Mitsukai had gone missing.
What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? He lost control of his powers and made something completely freeze, and tried to drink it.
If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why? It would be his parents dieing. This would prevent his brother from being the way he is and take away the stress.
What is your best memory? Being with his family and his brother wasn’t evil.
What is your worst memory? Learning his brother killed their parents.
Part 4: Beliefs And Opinions
Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic? Usually optimistic but when he is under too much stress is pessimistic.
What is your greatest fear? Having the people he care about killed.
What are your religious views? He believes that multiple pure elemental gods keep balance between the elements.
What are your political views? He wants to have more people to lead the kingdom with him.
What are your views on sex? That it should be safe.
Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? He is able to kill, mostly in self defense. He won’t kill unless it’s absolutely necessary.
In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do? Killing to gain power, like his brother did.
Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? Yes
What do you believe makes a successful life? The ability to control your own life.
How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)? He doesn’t let Mitsukai know that he still has strong feeling. He usually tried to stay calm and keep problems with his brother a secret from those that are not already involved.
Do you have any biases or prejudices? None
Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it? He refuses to kill unless he has to. He does this because he doesn’t want to be a cold-hearted killer.
Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? Any of his friends but mostly Mitsukai.
Part 5: Relationships With Others
In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how? He treats everyone as politely as he could. If he doesn’t know them he will be more closed to them, but still be polite. If they are good friends he may ask for help from them.
Who is the most important person in your life, and why? Mitsukai, she was the first girl he ever loved.
Who is the person you respect the most, and why? Joe because he is polite as well, and will help friends as well.
Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people. Joe is a good friend. Mitsukai could be a best friend, because she always helps him out. L, Nikky, and Vincent are other friends.
Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person. Not at the moment.
Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened. Yes, at first it was to trick and ex of Mitsukai’s but then it grew into real love. They would do anything for each other. It ended when he found out that Mitsukai had stronger feelings for someone else at the school.
What do you look for in a potential lover?
How close are you to your family? He has no real family left, but his brother is hated.
Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not? No, but he wishes to do so someday.
Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help? Mitsukai. She always is there for him.
Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why? He trusts all his friends to protect him because he would protect him.
If you died or went missing, who would miss you? Probably all his friends.
Who is the person you despise the most, and why? His brother, because he killed their parents.
Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict? Avoid conflict if possible.
Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations? Most of the time.
Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not? Sometimes, because of all the stress makes him want to think about things alone.
Do you care what others think of you? Not really.
Part 6: Likes And Dislikes
What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes? He likes to train his abilities when he is not busy.
What is your most treasured possession? A portrait of his parents.
What is your favorite color? Red
What is your favorite food? Pizza (He never had that in his dimension so he enjoys it in this one)
What, if anything, do you like to read? He likes to read old book about strategy.
What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)? He would like almost anything if he were with friends.
Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit? He never did any of those things.
How do you spend a typical Saturday night? He has no classes that day, so he goes into a forest in his dimension to think.
What makes you laugh? When his friends are around and in a good mood.
What, if anything, shocks or offends you? Anything that involves his brother.
What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself? He would prepare to stop his brother.
How do you deal with stress? He tries to relax in a forest.
Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan? Mostly Spontaneous.
What are your pet peeves? Anyone trying to hurt a friend.
Part 7: Self Images And Etc.
Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted? He wakes up gets ready for his classes, eats, does his first two classes, goes to check on his dimension, goes to last 2 classes if possible. Then he eats dinner and does whatever comes up. He doesn’t mind if something minor happens.
What is your greatest strength as a person? Being polite to others.
What is your greatest weakness? Being too quiet to talk to others usually.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? It would be his inability to make friends easier.
Are you generally introverted or extroverted? Introverted
Are you generally organized or messy? Organized
Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at. He is very good at making sure his work is done, he trains very well, and he is good at making things of the elements. He is bad at showing his true emotions, he doesn’t do very well with technology, and he can’t make traditional art.
Do you like yourself? Yes
What are your reasons for being an adventurer (or doing the strange and heroic things that RPG characters do)? Are your real reasons for doing this different than the ones you tell people in public? (If so, detail both sets of reasons...) He wants to protect his friends from anything that would harm them.
What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime? Getting rid of his brother, and making sure his home is safe.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? He sees himself getting someone else to take other the kingdom so Kyuubi can lose a lot of stress.
If you could choose, how would you want to die? He would die protecting all his friends from a great danger.
If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left. He would tell Mitsukai he still cared for her, make sure his friends wouldn’t forget him, and make sure everything would be safe in his home.
What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death? Protecting things.
What three words best describe your personality? Quiet, serious, and kind.
What three words would others probably use to describe you? Quiet, shy and kind
If you could, what advice would you, the player, give to your character? (You might even want to speak as if he or she were sitting right here in front of you, and use proper tone so he or she might heed your advice...) I would tell Kyuubi to loosen up about his stress, just organize your work so you don’t get too overworked.
There you go, I made it small so I wouldn't take up too much space, so read it if you want. What I notice from doing this is that he really, really cares for Mitsukai, and that he is a very protective person. XD
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 8:35 pm
Yes, he is a very protective person.
You should make his feelings for Mitsukai far more evident, because if we ever convince Racy to bring Thorne back, that would be such a brilliant plot twist. Plus, i've had things thought up for awhile that would totally work perfect w/ the sweet innocent love Kyuubi has for Mitsukai. But, it wont work well ales Kyuubi is more developed, because last time we had a major plot twist w/ Kyuubi people were confused. &, it makes me sad because you make the best plot twist but i feel like i'm the only one who really understands them.
&, what i want you to do is add onto that thing, but feel in the little things. like, on his pet peeves, you could of added something like, he hates when peoples ipods are to loud? idk, i just thought of something, but little things like that make characters so much more relatable and interesting.
but yea, as i read that i said awh so much, the kyuubi & mitsukai thing is soo cute.
&, i'm going to clarify your dating facts, lol. Kyuubi and Mitsukai dated for a year, though i cant recall it was for any reason relating to making someone jealous. though, i always remember the scene where they were swimming in the pool house and flirting and before they knew it they were in love. well, atleast Kyuubi was... and then, somehow they got together and were always together. &, i know that they broke up bcus of Exo, but i feel like we should scratch that, because it doesn’t fit Mitsukai's character at all. &, i know that there was a scene where i actually had Cory come tour the campus, and he kissed Mitsukai. Which caused Mitsukai and Kyuubi to fight. &, in the end Mitsukai was confused and hurt, so she broke it off w/ Kyuubi. then, Kyuubi went off to his dimension. though, i'm pretty sure those events have been revised in my head, they fit Mitsukai far more than whatever i probably wrote in my days of horrid plots and no character development.
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 8:53 pm
Ya, thanks for that. I will make his feelings show more in the future. I agree with all those details, so we should just go on that lol
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2010 8:58 pm
okayy awesomee (:
blahh, it's midnight & i still have alot of hw i have to finish... fail. looks like i'm pulling an all nighter.
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Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 5:10 pm
Sorry its taking me so long to write Cory's post, writting him mad is a really hard thing to do. He's genraly not a mad person... Plus, he's always been made to worship the ground Kai walks on, so this is really really hard.
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Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 5:15 pm
you'll do just fine...i can't wait to read & reply!
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Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 5:21 pm
that was like the shortest piece i've written in awhile. i hope you can take that in turn it into something great. putting that much raw emotion was hard, freak writting that whole scene was hard. but yea.
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Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 7:03 pm
yeah, it was hard for me to write a lot as a reply
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Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 7:19 pm
fail.
see, i want something for you to reply to. but, having Cory all talkative right now doesnt seem to fit at all.
though, i think i have some sorta idea. its kinda randomish, but it goes with the mention of the off-white walls. buttt, ima go to bed since i have a huge concert tomorrow (night of joy <3). ima try to write it before i have to leave.
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Posted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 5:04 pm
i cant wait to get this thing moving again! i'm doin my best!
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