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 Posted: Mon May 30, 2005 5:33 pm
hopefully this summer (maybe the next) i'll be able to visit my girlfriend in Hawaii. 3nodding heart i haven't seen her in sooo long... sad
Beach... biggrin heart 3nodding sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon May 30, 2005 8:40 pm
I got to talk to maddie a few minutes ago. it was good but its not the same i miss being able to talk to her for hours at a time ^__^ but it will be better in a couple weeks when i go see her biggrin we will have plenty of time to talk then ^__^ Im so excited i cant concentrate and im hung over too. Sleep will not come easy...
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Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 3:49 pm
heres to seeing old friends and people long distances!
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Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 4:46 pm
Lemonlimezero I got to talk to maddie a few minutes ago. it was good but its not the same i miss being able to talk to her for hours at a time ^__^ but it will be better in a couple weeks when i go see her biggrin we will have plenty of time to talk then ^__^ Im so excited i cant concentrate and im hung over too. Sleep will not come easy... hearing a loved one's voice will never be the same as feeling their loving touch... lucky guy...cheers!
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Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 10:40 pm
gay... i suppose i let myself get my hopes up too high ^__^ Turns out my suspicions were correct and that she just couldnt be adult enough to talk to me and tell me the truth. Shes into someone else and is "confused" ive been miserable off and on for three weeks now and im just fed up. I love her but this is the worst pain ive ever felt. At this point I'm giving her the weekend to think about things and also for myself as i do not want to be bitter, just make a clean break. Ive enjoyed loving her for a year and a half now but i think its just time to move on. I am a stronger person having been through this I feel and while I am not by any means over her, I have the love and support of my family and friends. Not to mention the swelled bank account from virtually breaking my back at work to get the $$ to go see someone who will take me for granted. Perhaps I will go to Japan again and visit my buddy. I have no idea, i thank you all sincerily for listening to me and adding your well wishes. She's reluctant to break it off and say that she doesnt love me, but doesnt know if she loves me either. I know i still love her but I dont think i could trust her after having her tell me everything is ok for two weeks when i could clearly tell in her voice that everything was not. Despite this all, i find the strength to smile and am not mad nor do i feel cheated. I understand that she did love me at some point and that for the past year and a half I have loved her more than Ive ever felt for any one person ever. I truly thought in my heart and soul that I had connected and kept my hopes and dreams high. I suppose that there is a lesson to be learned from this and perhaps its God's way of telling me that I should go ahead and do that which I have been holding back on since I was involved. Things like exploring more personal expression in my appearance, not being what someone likes but being myself truly. I am planning on pursuing my writing again and also getting stellar with the bass. I feel that I am capable enough to do that which I put my mind to, and as i explained to my friend Rob from 711, I think for awhile Ill just see what happens, and keep my love life safely grounded in reality on this continent, not exactly how i worded it but that way wouldnt have made it so flavorful. I have to be stronger in my resolve and accept that she made a choice. I just want her to be happy even if it isnt with me. So yeah, thats why you havent seen a lot of me, Ive been working like a dog to try and see her and when i finally said i had the money to buy the ticket, only then could i get the truth from her.
So in spite of all this, my friends have proved themselves true once again and i love each and every one of them online and off. In my free time i watch tv or dvds since i have no internet here at my parents except now when i use my bros computer. Ive seen fightclub like 4 times in the past three days, for some reason that movie always cheers me up. My little brother and i have been hanging out a lot lately. I talked him down the other day when his girlfriend's dad came over and tried to start a fight. Gah, ive never seen such an insecure man, and even that instance helped me think about how i would not like to be. For now Im going to ease up on working so much, try and get my truck roadworthy still, and see what happens. I think my days of falling for people online are numbered, as it seems thats just asking for the pain razz but ive definately met some cool people and have lots of cool stories to tell ^_^ There are a few friends Ive met here that Id realy enjoy getting the chance to meet someday. I just dont know. Since Ive found out the truth about this whole business, though i have been sad, my mind just doesnt seem as busy, i am able to relax. Babies dont sleep as well as i have been. I feel my self balancing out and becomming the former independent self i lost sometime without realizing it. Looking back and seeing that i had become frail in that respect, putting my confidence in a fairytale love had just kind of sucked my sense of self dry. I dont know how else to explain it. I just feel stronger these days. More confident. As far as what happened and everything ive put into maddie's and my relationship, i regret nothing. Its been interesting to say the least and i know that no matter how much i talk myself down, i will always love her in some way. My last words for this night will be that i wish you all well and it is better to learn from others mistakes, but dont let them stop you from following your heart. What seems a tragedy today could be a blessing tomorrow. I dont want to die without any scars ^_^ do you?
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Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 12:50 am
Sorry to hear that, love is harsh and confusing. You must be strong though, I wouldn't take that as well as you did xp . And you should definatly pursue writing, I'm still waiting for your book to come out ^^
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Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 5:06 am
~v~Lady Venom~v~ Sorry to hear that, love is harsh and confusing. You must be strong though, I wouldn't take that as well as you did xp . And you should definatly pursue writing, I'm still waiting for your book to come out ^^ thanks ^__^ its nice to hear something other than indifference biggrin
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Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 9:43 am
Lemonlimezero ~v~Lady Venom~v~ Sorry to hear that, love is harsh and confusing. You must be strong though, I wouldn't take that as well as you did xp . And you should definatly pursue writing, I'm still waiting for your book to come out ^^ thanks ^__^ its nice to hear something other than indifference biggrin *hugs back*
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Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 4:33 pm
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Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 7:08 pm
It's oddly comforting knowing that its over finally. The past month has been hell on earth. Though I complain about all my troubles, I know there are those out there who are worse off than me. It makes me feel a little dumb for whining about it. But writing about it makes me feel better and lets those I give a crap about a little insight into whats going on with me and why ive been gone. I've been thinking it over and today I realiszed that I am reverting back to my old self. With the exception of having the wisdom I know have about my situation and what not. I feel like a stronger person. I can't explain it. I just feel independant. I'm going to call her tomorrow and tell her goodbye. There will always be a place in my heart for her, its hard to forget those you love, I'm not the type to forget them. Im going to my house after work tomorrow so I am happy enough about that. I am in reality a 21 (almost 22) year old boy. I am not mature enough to really have anything super serious. I guess that is just mother nature nagging at me, telling me i want a family razz In truth I think she would have made a pretty cool wife though but its ok that we go our separate ways. I'm certain my decision will please her as it will rid her of any potential guilt. If that's what it will take to make her and i happy then so be it. Im strangely calm these days. Happy and sad at once. Im pretty over it but i will miss her at times i know ^__^ Its so weird. I'm not going to look for anyone really in the future. Just continue to be myself, happy and independant. I don't know what the future has in store for me, but i know I have a lot of stuff I want to get around to doing and now I have the emotional fortitude plus the freedom to do so. Perhaps Japan again or snowboarding with my older bro. Who knows? Time will tell ^___^
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Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 8:27 pm
You are an insanely awesome person, Lemon. I'm sorry for what happened, but I'm impressed by the way you're taking it. As Elf said, I wouldn't have been the same. If you ever need to vent about anything feel free to IM or PM me... I'm here for you, dear. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 5:06 pm
Ouch...sorry to hear about that, Lemon. I kinda envy you, dude. You've shown a strength that i don't have. I probably woulda lost it...
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Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 10:46 am
HiroShinojii Ouch...sorry to hear about that, Lemon. I kinda envy you, dude. You've shown a strength that i don't have. I probably woulda lost it... You'd be surprised in how strong you can be when you are actually in a situation. i'll tell you one thing that makes me strong is knowing that i have a loving group of family and friends that I can rely on to be there for me always ^_^ both online and off. Also what helped me is that by letting go i could be myself again. The me that has ambitions of his own. To go places and not be thinking about settling down.
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Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 1:38 pm
Adelleda Jubella You are an insanely awesome person, Lemon. I'm sorry for what happened, but I'm impressed by the way you're taking it. As Elf said, I wouldn't have been the same. If you ever need to vent about anything feel free to IM or PM me... I'm here for you, dear. 3nodding Yer awesome too miss Adelleda ^__^ Im kinda moving on, im not even going to call her, if she calls me thats fine, if not thats fine too. I took down the pictures and stuff of her and put them away. Then i grabbed my compuer and brought it to my parents house since im staying here to catch a ride to work in the mornings since my truck still isnt working crying As far as how well im taking it I can't help it razz Im just happy by nature and dont stay down long ^_^ as I've said before why try and be with someone who doesnt want you or respect you. 3nodding
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Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 6:08 pm
Lemonlimezero HiroShinojii Ouch...sorry to hear about that, Lemon. I kinda envy you, dude. You've shown a strength that i don't have. I probably woulda lost it... You'd be surprised in how strong you can be when you are actually in a situation. i'll tell you one thing that makes me strong is knowing that i have a loving group of family and friends that I can rely on to be there for me always ^_^ both online and off. Also what helped me is that by letting go i could be myself again. The me that has ambitions of his own. To go places and not be thinking about settling down. And an endless fountain of grandfatherly wisdom... I can often be impulsive and so I forget about everything and everyone else around me, and I just act...
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