Welcome to Gaia! ::

okay, okay... I skimmed it. Mighta missed a couple things... I'll go back. Sorry sweatdrop

Hmmm. Well, the first thing I noticed is that he has four elemental schools of magic. From past experiences, that is a very bad idea. I suggest that you change that and limit his gifts to a few. Another thing I noticed - I believe that he was brought to Feretris as an infant to be a slave. Then who would have taught him magic? No self-respecting female slave driver (virtually everyone) would let him harness his gifts. He would have little time to practice on his own. There would be no seasoned tribesmen to teach him. I just do not know how you made him learn the discipline of magic. It isn't "oooh, i feel fluffy1 *casts air spell*". Magic is complicated, rigorous, and hard. You have to learn how to use it, and "naturals" are frowned upon.

Secondly, blue hair? Why and how in this realm does he have blue hair? If you haven't noticed, slaves do not get that gussied up and people are not born with blue hair (unless they are extremely special, and I think we have a few of those extremely special ones already). Also, he is from a southern tribe. His entire lineage is from a southern tribe, and if he did have Tok ancestry, then the blue-eye gene has most likely been virtually erased over the generations. So why does he have blue eyes? He would most likely have dark eyes, brown or possibly green. Onto the clothing. If he is a laborer, that means he works outside. Outside in Feretris is hot with the sun. So why is he wearing black clothing? As far as I know, black absorbs heat. If the heat is absorbed, then the laborer sweats more. If they sweat more, then they need more water. That wastes resources on slaves that could have been conserved. And, if it matters, I do not think jeans exist. I could be wrong about the pants, but since he is just a lowly slave, he would probably wear cloth-sack pants. Uncomfortable, scratchy, cheep. Aside from all of this, I honestly think you are describing your avatar without the wings or halo.

You have just described the entire psyche of a character in three sentences. No offense, but I feel like you haven't really thought out how this character would act, how he would think, or even psychological weaknesses. He seems flat. I suggest putting some meat in those personality bones. What does he like in a person? What does he dislike? How have his mistresses treated him because of "the child within him"?

About the history then. Well, you have yet again practiced brevity. You summarized an entire background of a person in three sentences telling us where he was born and that he was a slave. You could tell us about his mistresses, about his training as a slave, or even his 'friends' he could have gathered.

All in all, it is a definite improvement. There are things you can work on, so I suggest that you take my words with a critical eye. Aside from that, I believe that Penden said your character would never be accepted. -shrug- I could be wrong.

Sorry guys, I know that you have all been waiting on me, both current members and prospective members of this RP. I've been busy with work and with life in general. Thank you so much Roka for helping critique these profiles.

Raye Tavira, I said that your character would never get in because I wanted you to start from scratch if you were to create a character for this RP. That is not just to be annoying, but because I thought it would help you. Roka's comments on your profile show exactly why. You did pick the right tribe for his magic and I thought that his personality fit with him being an obedient slave, so those things were realistic. For what to change, refer to Roka's critique. If you're determined, and work on this profile until it is ready for this RP, then it will be like a different character, because pretty much only the name will be the same.

KGB123, thank you so much for waiting. I usually try to give a critique such as the one that roka gave which is why I put off commenting on your profile. I like that he is a dreamer, because dreamers tend to passive aggressive and so he would not get in too much trouble. However, you cannot have his magic as undiscovered. That part of the profile is for what magic he has the innate ability to develop, not whether he has discovered it yet. I think you know what type of magic a child of Cedric's is most likely to have, so please sort that out or give him no magic (also a perfectly valid option).

I like his job(s). In fact most of your profile is ok but needs a lot more detail to justify it. What you have right now for his history, especially, does not convince me that your character really escaped the compound. You must come up with a way for a chamber servant to get into a situation where he has a sword, doesn't have to have a lot of skill to use it, and for some reason is not outrun/caught. But for the details that do need to change, I don't think this is on the front page but I think that it would be more realistic for pleasure slaves to begin at 16. Also, why is he looking for his father? Slaves that are born in Feretris don't have a strong sense of family, because they've never had one. You'll have to explain that more. Where would he plan to look, any way? How would he get ahold of that sort of record or information? If his father were not Cedric, his father would not normally have any idea that he even had a kid. Once you have the details filled out more I'll have a better idea of where I can stick your character. I may need to move you to another compound so that you can meet up with Draco's character if that is alright with the both of you.

Draconian23 - First his name. Is Drako a nickname? That would be fine for a nickname but otherwise it's a common fantasy name and it foreshadows his current form rather than comes from his parent's background or something like that.

I like that he is stuck in an anthro type form, and I like that he showed early signs of being reckless with his ability. However, I'm not getting a clear picture of his particular features, or how trying to turn into a snake gave him that hair. Just curious, have you thought of a way that his ability could be returned to him? Is he at all concerned with finding that out? Maybe his psychological adjustment to his new shape could help you fill out your personality section, which right now is very consistent with the rest of his profile but could be longer.

Now, for his history. Please clean up the extravagant ellipsis in the last paragraph -- I can tell from the rest of your profile that you know perfectly well how to write and use punctuation. wink Pet peeve. Ok, you talked to me in PM about him being from the Demere blood line. The way that you have written him, he is not from any tribe, and I know that you may have been waiting for my PM back to confirm that that was the correct tribe. He can be of Demere decent but not of the tribe proper. If he (was) integrated into the tribe until age 13, then he would know perfectly well about the slave trade because the Demere have been quite annoyed about that. There are people, especially around the edges of the tribe's range, like near lake Derr, that are not of the tribe proper but are mixed with immigrants from other countries. Please chose and edit your profile accordingly.

I love the story of how he was exiled, but I would like you to make it clear how voluntary it was. Did he chose to leave because of his father's actions or was he not really given a choice? 13 is a good age, too, especially with his shape shifting ability which would have helped him survive. Having him familiar with more than one animal is fine, but please list which animals and indicate what level of expertise he has with each. This is mostly for my convenience, so that I can tell that his abilities are balanced and so that I can pick what kind of animals I send his way, depending on whether I want to try to screw him over or help him out. Also, keep in mind that he may have been a "master" compared to ourselves, since we do not have the shape shifting ability that would allow us to communicate more readily with animals, but that he is probably not a "master" compared to others with his ability and in the Demere tribe, especially not with more than one animal.

Even though what I wrote for your profile was longer than KGBs, that's because you had more detail there to critique, and you two should be ready to enter the RP at about the same time since you both sound eager to work on the profile and start off. I might just have your two characters meet up, since it looks like KGB's character has really stepped in it and would get caught and die soon after his escape without someone's help.

PS. It's lake Derr wink

Okay, I'm editing my profile to conform with what you have critiqued, and with longer exposure to his anthromorphic form. but I would like some clarifications.

1) I didn't think about the name... I'll use a nother one in my revised profile.

2) I didn't think at all about the hair... I didn't really think I needed to explain it. I'll clean that up in the profile. Your questions really make me wonder what's going to happen to him when he enters Feretris territories...

3) His abilities will not be returned to him. He'll never be a human again.

4) Do tribes (or straggling families) live on the absolute eastern edges of the coast? if so, I can have him be of Demere blood, but not of the actual tribe.

5) I'll clear up his history, giving him a detailed one. when I made this out this afternoon, I was in a rush. forgive me.

6) I'll clean up the master thing. in the revised profile, he's going to be older. A majority of his conversation over his lifetime will be with animals. Also, I'll move his transformation at an earlier age. it will change the profile drasticly, but it will conform the profile more towards his anthro side.

7) Since he has no magical abilities after the accident, what would you recommend? I wanted to do something with chemistry or herbs or something, but that would involve time spent with books. he will be in the wilderness for most of his life.

cool are ther people rping at night at all? this is the main time that I will be on.

thanks. with your reply and some suggestion, I will begin my revised profile...



(^ that ellipsis was to peeve you ^_^ but dont take it the wrong way... 0_0)

Updted Profile
Mm... I've tried to elaborate as much as possible using this feeble brain of mine... I hope it's a satisfactory explanation to the product you witnessed ^^;;

((tho most ofthis stuff is in my siggy i will right it here anyways.))
name: hiro
age: not even himself knows.
gender: male
magic: has the ability to turn into a dragon. can control and breth fire. has slight healing powers. can do almost another spell by saying a few words from a spellbook he has memorized.
apperence: a combo between this and my avi:
my rpc:



personality: rebelious, outgoing, hyper, always looking for some fun.

history: while wandering around looking for new spell he was captured, however he escaped his slavery after 2 days, he still cannot risk leaving the town/city. other than that, no one knows, other than that he got his powers from being bit by a dragon.

I recommend typing profiles in Word. A lot of the comma glitches Gaia use to have are gone, and you'd always have a non-internet copy of your profiles in case someone (-cough cough-) looses it or something. Also, you have the spell check, a bigger viewing screen, and it doesn't glitch up as much (hopefully). Keep at it, and I highly doubt this would have disqualified you. If you haven't noticed, we all have our random anger outbreaks. Even if it involves spyware or strawberries. sweatdrop