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Not only that but everything relates to themselves, as if they were the navel of the universe.

Nothing specific to rant about tonight; I'm just feeling a little down. About a lot of things, so, well, bear with me. No need to read it all, I just have to get all this off my chest.

My dog is dying; he has almost textbook end-stage congestive heart failure, but he's still alert and interacting with us, he doesn't look like he's in any pain. Thing is, the family has a long "vacation" planned in the middle of August to shuttle the younger two off to their universities and we can't take him with, he's too sick, but we can't leave him here alone because he'd likely die of a broken heart at being abandoned, so I volunteered to stay behind with him so that Mom doesn't finish what I can only term a vendetta against him and have him put down before then for convenience's sake. It's like she doesn't want to see him going down health-wise so she's going to kill him before he can get to that point and hurt her. I understand where she's coming from, but at the same time I just want to scream at her, "It's not about you!" None of us, her included, would ever forgive ourselves if we put him down before it was his time.

On top of that, I completed nursing school last May and dragged my feet about getting a job. I finally obtained one, but I don't start until September and before then I've got to pass the NCLEX - the test is in a little less than two weeks and I'm so scared; I've heard horror stories of 4.0 students not passing on their first go-round, and I'm just the sort of books-only academic who might make that small statistic become reality. On top of that, I haven't had paying work since I was let go at the hospital - policy is that once you've got your diploma, you can't work as a tech. So my funds have been dwindling and my bills are coming due this month and I don't have enough to cover them. I hadn't counted on my quarterly interest from my student loans coming up THIS month so I didn't budget for it and I'm nearly $1500 short. I'm going to wind up cashiering again to make ends meet, I know it, and the worst part of it is that my parents will just sigh with that look that says, "We told you so." And I'm probably going to have to grit my teeth and ask for a loan from my folks to cover this months bills. I hate having to ask them for help when I've dug the hole myself...I hate asking for help, period. It feels like weakness to me, but well, when I'm the one making the stupid mistakes, I guess I'm the one having to cover the stupid consequences. I'm such an idiot. I dragged my feet for too long and too hard...I was scared to fail. I just knew that if I applied anywhere, or tried to take the test, or anything, that I stood no chance at succeeding. I succeed at everything I try, but only because I never try anything unless I'm sure of success. Failure scares me. The prospect of failure paralyzes me. I enjoy nursing, but I chose the field because of the job security due to the nursing shortage. I couldn't be one of those starving artists you hear about, the ones who jump from job to job hoping for the next big break. My dad is highly trained, highly specialized, and thus he is now scrambling for another job, now that he's only got a few more months with his current one. No one seems to need/want him. And that's another rant - he's got all this pressure on him about his job, and the dog, and the fact that all his kids have left the nest and he always defined himself as a family man and so he's letting loose with a torrent of moodiness that wasn't even matched by my mother in the swings of menopause. He threatened to kick me out in June if I didn't find a job (which really kick-started the job search). He's always been a sensitive man, but he's cried in front of us more in the last year than he has in any five cumulative years prior to this. Mom and Dad are scared they'll lose the house if Dad can't find a job in time and I'm seriously considering offering to step in for a bit, take over half the bills. I'm going to be living at home until next spring some time, when the decent apartments come available (NOT my first choice of living arrangements, but what can I say, I missed the prime housing month), so, really, it wouldn't be too much of a hardship... but I really don't want to. I want to get out on my own, away from who I am as defined by my family, but I seem to be trapped here. I thought high school would do that...then college...now a job...I just don't know that I'll ever know who is ME when my parents aren't around. I will say, I'll be grateful when I'm on my own medical insurance. That way I can finally get my a** in to a shrink and it won't show up on my parents' medical bills. I need it, I've needed it for years, but I'm so cautious about letting others know my weaknesses, even in my family. I'm the "quiet" one, the one that no one bothers about because I go out of my way to not give anyone anything TO bother about. Top it all off with an unhealthy sprinkling of chronic suicidal ideation which I can't admit to anyone in my real life for fear I'd get carted off to the psych ward, and I feel pretty messed up. Yeah, you heard me. Every time I start to get a little panicky about the future, I start looking for high buildings. Not that I'd ever go through with it. Suicide isn't logical, because the only thing I'm wanting to escape is fear, and fear isn't worth it. Still... I wish I could tell someone, other than the shrink inside my head, who's been showing up way too frequently for my taste.

Oh, and my mother keeps on me about my spiritual health. I've lately been seriously questioning the nature of the religion that I grew up with. It occurs to me that a lot of what Christians believe - and what my mother believes - is not so much logic based as blind faith. Yes, faith enters into it - that's why they call it faith - but it seems that people could take their faith a lot further by the simple application of some science and reasoning. "It's one of the mysteries of faith," is a phrase that's gotten chucked around too often by those who don't want to question the precepts they've held since babyhood; anymore, it seems a code phrase for "I don't want to think about it and you're making me uncomfortable." I just don't think that blind faith needs to start as soon as it does. Why not question? Why not seek understanding? I mean, God gave us brains, logic, the tools to incisively examine, break apart, reconstruct, in short, to know...why can't we use them to try and understand Him? What is it that makes people so leery of it? I'm not trying to disprove God exists, but the way people react when I ask questions, looking for real, true answers, makes me feel as if I were some sort of devil sent to steal their souls for Satan! And my mother won't leave it alone. The other day she wanted my sister and I to join in an impromptu prayer service - I can count the number of times she's done one of those on one hand and still have plenty of fingers left over. It's like she was testing me, to see whether or not I still had 'proper Christian feeling.' I was reluctant until she quoted scripture at me, "Where three are gathered in My name, I shall be with them." That threw it. I never understood that bit - what, God won't be with us as individuals, or pairs? God requires a quorum of sorts before he can hear us, or before he will act? I left. I have too many questions about my mother's religion to participate in a holy act. I won't play along just to satisfy her that she's done a good job raising me to be a good little church-goer. I want to understand what I believe before I continue further. And no one, not even my mother, will force me in front of God with false premises in my heart.

Well. It's 4:30 in the morning here and my dad and I are taking the dog to the vet sometime in the next few hours. I only got online to kill time while Hunter is outside utilizing the bushes, and he hasn't come scratching at the door yet, so I need to sign off and go get him. He's probably rolling in the grass enjoying the cool night air. He likes night better than day in the summer. He seems to breathe easier, though he still coughs and hacks a lot. We've all gotten used to it, but it scares guests when they first hear it. I don't think we'll even have him around for another year...we'll be lucky, at this rate, to have him until Christmas. He's only twelve...we've had him since he was six months. He's been a constant family fixture for the entire time...we hardly have a picture without him in it somewhere. I'm really going to miss that mutt...

I also read the whole thing.

I know how it feels feeling responsible for your parents. I'm in that position right now, but things are thankfully stabilizing and I'm able to do things for myself again. It sucks, though, but because they're family you think "I can't ditch them" or "I can't leave them like this". It's noble, but dangerous because if they can't improve themselves while you help they might become so dependent on you that there'd be no turning back.

As for your parents getting moody, specifically your dad, well, it does sound like things are really stressful on their end, and watching your kids grow up and move on...I can imagine that being stressful as well. I mean, there's a lot you can say in regards to feeling proud of having your kids move on, but I'm sure it brings on a lot of other feelings as well. Fortunately I have yet to be in a situation where I have to let things go, especially kids.

You're a very intelligent woman, GR. You'll make it through, we all know it. And there's nothing wrong with working with your strengths, like only taking tests or risks you know you can pass/succeed in. But remember that asking for help is never a sign of weakness, but rather it is a sign of growth. Don't be afraid of it. And, as always, you have us! So you're never alone biggrin

As to your dog...I am really saddened by that news sad I immediately looked at my cat who (knock on wood) is still very healthy, but is very dear to me (despite his being a jerk!). You know this already, but just try to think of the time you've had with the dog, the happy times, and make the most of the time you have now. ~hugs GR too~

Thanks guys, Uma, Ethan, Caly. That really helps. Just being able to put it down in words is a huge relief, and knowing that I've got friends like you all... I just know I'm going to get through it. One damn thing after another, right?

huzzah for optimism! huzzah for having a reason to wake up everyday! HUZZAH!

on a rant note: I'm hungry, but I'm also sleepy, and do not know which to go with...

meh I ended up just going to bed. The only real downside to that is waking up really hungry!

I actually think I've lost a little weight O_o

Me? Im in constant battle with my weight.. gonk