Welcome to Gaia! ::

hey there i'm barbs

20 yrs old, live in sydney australia

i've had depression in some form for 10 years...last year for the first time i was officially diagnosed with depression...too little too late...2 weeks after gettin on medication i landed in hospital after an attempted suicide

i have general depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder...i have had panic disorder but i learnt to control it...i still get the occasional panic attack but its alot better

i used to get so bad that i would stay in bed all day, wrapped up in my blanket even when it was really hot...just staring blankly at the walls and ceiling...

when my anxiety was at its worse i wouldn't leave my house, i'd shake and get physically sick...

my appettite disappeared...i lost 1/5th my body weight in around 6 months...only now...2 years later i have begun to put it on...

i got into drugs at one stage...believing "i was happy"...i changed relationships as often as i changed clothes...each time the guy left me, used me...

i've been emotionally and sexually abused in the last 3 years...it took me 3 yrs to come to terms with basically bein raped...

i've always been emotional, cared about every one so i've kinda been suseptible to gettin depressed and stuff,

once the depression started i started to lose control over my feelings...and i got hurt in the process

i'm a self harmer...i know alot there is to know bout it...i also help with running a few self injury support sites...

*waves*
I'm Anna, or la veuve, whichever. I *think* my official diagnoses are panic disorder and major depression--either way, they're unofficial. I've spent the last...almost decade...on an SSRI, first Zoloft, then Prozac. About two weeks ago I started my titration onto Sinequan, a TCA. I'm currently at 100 mg a night (it probably knocks me out, but I don't know...though I've been groggy in the morning...) plus still on the 40 mg prozac I've been on for years. Why the switch? I'll make this as brief as possible.

grade 8: I meet Derick Zinnerstrom, a kid in my class, one of the "geeks." I don't really meet him per se, he's in my class and I know *of* him. I'll later learn that he suffers from schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and to top that off, severe post-traumatic stress. Imagine the worst thing that could happen to someone, and you're probably not far off.

grade 12: After pursuing IB degrees together, along with only a handful of our class, Derick and I see a lot of each other and become casual friends. I develop a bit of a crush on him--unbeknownst to me, the feeling is more than mutual.

college: Derick and I remain in contact, more closely than before, though across the country from each other. Mutual flirtation occurs, but he's in a serious, monoamorous relationship. I come visit him finally, and flirt with him rather shamelessly. He stoically resists my efforts.

Fast forward, October, 2004: I have not heard from Derick in years, despite a few efforts to contact him. As he had been using drugs exuberantly and been suicidal at times, I've started to assume he's dead. Oh irony... He calls me at work, out of the blue. We talk for hours and from then on talk every day until he flies down to see me. As a pre-psych student, one who's done lots of work for his shrink, he recommends I try doxepin. He also tells me he loves me. It quickly becomes clear that yes, I love him too. He had only stopped talking to me at the insistance of his fiancee, who quickly becomes his ex-fiancee once he realises A. just how horrible she is and B. that he can survive without her, that she's been abusive but I'll always be there for him. We spend about a week together in what can only really be described as a whirlwind romance. He only leaves to take care of a problem with his business. We continue talking every day.

November, 2004, 15 days before my birthday: Derick is driving down to see me again, once he gets his meds refilled and finishes moving out of his ex-fiancee's apartment. I'm in love. I'm on cloud 9. Everything is perfect. He convinced me to quit my job to better focus on my schoolwork, something I hadn't quite gotten up the courage for.

And then his friend calls me. And tells me Derick's ex found him dead in the hallway last night. His ex, Cathi, hereforth referred to as The c**t, told the police--and his parents--that he killed himself. He was found in the hallway with the shower running. He and his best friend had made plans to go out that night. Everyone had been saying that they'd never seen him this happy *ever*, and that I was the best thing to happen to him, better than any antidepressant. An autopsy was done, but all they've found so far is that he had a heart attack.

There's more details to the story...probably the only thing worth mentioning is that his parents had him cremated right away and didn't have a funeral. I can understand why they wouldn't be thinking about how it could affect others. I've had no closure. My depression, previously controlled, has since been too much for the prozac. Understandable, but from the point in my life where I am now--getting ready for pharmacy school--I can't afford to be depressed. I was never very suicidal before, but the funny thing is, I never had a real reason to be. No, I won't kill myself. I'll just wait out my entire life, desperate for some sign, like some people see ghosts or experience weird things. I would give *anything* for proof that in some way, we could be together again. Okay, I can't continue this, but I guess if anyone's curious about anything I left out, feel free to ask.

Hi everyone, i'm Kasey and i'm 16.
um....lets see, i've got a rather depressing life so far, so i'll be short.
i had an abusive father and he is still a controlling, manipulative, penny-pinching jerk. my mom kicked him out of the house oh....4 years ago i think. he physically abused me, my brother, and my twin sister. and unfortunaltly for everyone, i became his favorite. (i can still get stuff from him that he wont give to anyone else -money-)
while my dad was still living at my house, i was a total shut in, and very anti social. i also had mood swings, and i got angry or depressed really easily. but since i was afraid of my dad, i'd normally take it out on my sibs... i feel really bad about that....
once my dad was gone i finally opened up a bit, i've got more friends that i can talk to now, and i've got my mood under control better. i'm also more social but i dont feel safe in large crowds of people. i really like being alone ( i love to read, or play video games) so i hole up in my room often. my mom thinks that i'm 'hiding'.
i still havent really dealt with all the crap thats happened, i think if i do, i'll go crazy. i do cut myself, not suicide, i'm not gonna do that. i just like the pain, that may sound odd, but its true. i dont think anybody but my sister knows that i cut myself.
but....i'm going to stop here, this post is already to long....sorry!

on a side note, i can ignore things easily when i'm really into my book or something, but i can always hear 'white noise'. i can hear a buzzing noise from just about every electrical thing. really sucks in school.
oh and i've taken a class in psychology this year in hs.

I'm 22 and joined this guild out of curiousity: I'd like to find some help as well as offer it.

My problem is in the way of eating disorders. When I was 4 I distinctly remember walking into the kitchen and feeling something click or shift in my brain. I "decided" that I would only eat certain foods. Since that childish "choice", everything smelled disgusting. It wasn't even me being a bratty kid. I just physically couldn't eat anything that others thought was delicious. It's still a major problem and I'm still eating oddly. I survived since it happened at such an early age. My body thought the malnutrition was normal (don't misunderstand, I don't eat less quantity, just less variety). I also take lots of vitamins to make up for the loss of nutrients. But I'm getting married and I want to eventually have a baby (as in within 2 years). I don't want the baby to have major problems because of something I can't willingly change. If anyone can offer some advice, I'd be happy to talk about it (I might head over to the diagnosis thread). I just "came out of the closet" with this issue. It was really hard to go through school being ridiculed because of my diet choices (also my parents thought that threats and humiliation were the best cure). Well anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling.

{%} Name // Starlett
{%} Age // Fourteen
{%} Brithday // January 5, 1991
{%} Sexualty // Lesbian
{%} Marital Status // Single.. very single. Lonely single, even. ;-;
{%} Problems // I'm diagnosed with depression, general anxiety disorder, I self-mutilate, and I have suicidal tendancies. I've been to two behavioral hospitals (they were short-term), but I've visited one of them five times and the other once. They called me schizophrenic once, but I think that was just caused by all of the pills they put me on. I'm very paranoid, and I think I rely on other people to make me happy just a tad too much. (Oh well.) /I/ think I have an eating disorder. No, I'm not anorexic or bulomic, but I /am/ an emotional eater. This means that when I get angry, I eat; when I get sad, I eat; when I'm afraid, I eat. Sometimes I just eat because I'm bored or excited. (I'm like.. 240 lbs, maybe more; maybe less.)
{%} Favorite Colors // Purple, Black, Bright Green, Dodger Blue, Orange, Dark Red
{%} Favorite Foods // Cheese, mushrooms, pineapple, cherries
{%} AIM // Starlett Pwns
{%} Yahoo // Panda_Ann_is_Jesus
{%} MSN // Panda_Ann_is_Jesus@hotmail.com (I'm not on often, so if you add me, please inform me through PM. Thanks.)
{%} Favorite Sodas // Cherry Coke, Coke, Sprite, Pepsi
{%} Likes // Reading, writing, photography, attempting to make graphics and the such, attempting to draw, attempting to sing, chatting, Gaia, Pullips, Super Dollfies, just about any type of music, school (just not the people in it); All Your Base, The Egg Song, and The Llama Song; animals like ducks and cats, RANDOM PM'S, etc, etc.
{%} Dislikes // Racists, homophobes, elitists, and just about any type of prejudice; labels, talking in groups, liars, attention whores (I can be one, but I'm talking about a specific type of attention whore), etc, etc..
{%} A Bit About Moi // Well, I'm Starlett. My avatar is gender-confused, and that picture in my siggy /is/ of me. (I have more pictures, too, if anyone cares.) My self esteem fluctuates, but I'm really self conscious. I'm really talkative online, but in real life, I tend to shy away from people. I guess I won't tell you all of my problems right here, but I /do/ tend to be more on the pessimistic side. I adore dolls. I have one of my own, actually. Her name is Morwen and she is one of my most prized posessions. (The others would be my computer and my camera.) I am crazy. Mwuahahahhaha. No, seriously.. I am. I can be playful, but I can also be a b***h. n_n;; I guess that's just about it.

hi!my names rachel, but i go by kira...so yeah, please call me that...

well last year, i was diagnosed with major depression...but i also think that i might be bipolar and while i was at the hospital after one of my episodes that my parents finally noticed i was a possible Schizophrenic, and possible bipolar, but my mom was so sure that i was just depressed that she had them diagnose me as depressed...i would love to get meds to help me but for some reason i either dont respond to them or i get an opposite reaction...like they had me try some antidepressants and i just started getting worse than i already was and fast....i also belive i have OCD, AD/HD or ADD, bipolar disoreder, anxiety disorder, and a few others. i was put in the hospital last year because i was seeing people and hearing voices, i would interact with those invisible ppl sometimes infront of them, and i was majorly depressed...but i wasnt just depressed,i think i have rapid cycling bipolar disorder, because one day or for a couple of hours i will be depressed, over sleeping, then i will have too much energy for my own good and i will be really irritable and it scares me...i also hear things, such as different ppl talking to me when no one is around and i still see things. i also get really gittery and i dont tell my parents this stuff cause they would over react...i also am fighting to stop my cutting and slight anorexia. i need some help but i dont but do want to go back to the hospital...i also think that i suffer from split personality disorder, and friends say that they think i have split personality disorder...i probably need to go back to the hospital but im too scared...well thats me...if u want to kno more bout me pm me (theres alot more to my story) well ya...later!
kira

I'm glad you're planning on going to a doctor soon. Wierd stuff happens to teenagers, but if anyone has hallucinations, delusions, or other severe symptoms like that, they need to get checked out for dangerous medical conditions that could be causing them! Welcome to the Guild!



Yeah, a lot of drug side-effects can mimic psychosis. razz Not fun. I'm glad you've been getting a lot of help, though, and your interests sound fun!



Wow! What a great boyfriend! Yeah, you may have some terminology wrong, because often times those disorders are mutually exclusive, but it's great that you're here to support your girlfriend! It's wonderful to see people learning about their loved-ones' illnesses instead of pretending they don't exist.



Some antidepressants can make hallucinations worse, especially Celexa and Wellbutrin. I know from personal experience! I know you don't want to go back to the hospital, but you have to tell your parents about seeing things. Hallucinations can be caused by really bad things like brain tumors, organ failures and seizure disorders. You need to get tests done to make sure you don't have any of those, because they could kill you!