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 Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 3:07 am
I'm sort of worried.
Ok, previously, for my first month or so at work, I was very worried the managers would think I was incompetant and not hard working. That fear seems to have dissipated now that I realize they actually know I'm a hard worker, even if I screw up and very often need clarification where others would not.
However, something new seems to have come up : / .
For awhile now, every so often, I get this weird little thought in my head that I am being "tested." I feel like someone in my my life is asking me to do something or is doing something for the sole purpose of testing me.
For example, awhile ago, one of my assistant managers asked me to put away some frames he had in a shopping cart. I looked for them for quite awhile, and eventually began to suspect that they did not have a place on the shelves. Rather than thinking my assistant manager made a mistake, it came into my head that perhaps he was testing me to see what I would do. Would I just shove the frames into an incorrect spot, or would I tell him about it?
I realized after wandering around a bit more that I just hadn't noticed the frames, because they were up high above my eye level. Obviously, he wasn't testing me.
Another example- I told my head manager that I can't do the full time position I recently tried to take on because I have tendonitis in my wrist, and that position requires heavy lifting. Immediately afterwards, he has me put out large, heavy merchandise. A week or so later, he has me pulling big boxes from the stock room. For both of these jobs, I required assistance. And again, I found myself wondering if he was testing me to see if I was lying.
Even sillier, my mother bought some cookies at the grocery store last night. I was going to have a couple this morning, but I noticed the bag was not open, and again, this notion that she was testing me to see if I would eat them came into my head. I immediately dismissed it, but the irrationality of the thought has me scared and concerned.
I think these suspicions seem to be arising out of my own guilt- guilt about occassionally putting things away in the wrong spots because I can't find them at work (something everyone does sometimes), guilt about not telling my boss the whole truth, that I can't take the full time position not just because of tendonitis, but because of the levels of stress, and guilt about eating too much sweet stuff the other day.
Anyway, I am worried. I get paranoid that others have found out about these things that I do not want them to know, and I feel like they must already know about them and are testing me to see if it's true. What's going on with me? Why am I having such irrational thoughts?
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Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 12:21 pm
I don't know what to say, but I wish you luck with that. I don't think I've had that kinda of paranoia, but I have had irrational paranoia. I guess all you have to do is remind yourself that you probably aren't thinking rationally and move on.
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Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 3:23 pm
I do the same thing. We just have to learn that people are not always testing us, and are for the most part oblivious to the things we do in our private lives...
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Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 2:49 pm
Quote: I don't know what to say, but I wish you luck with that. I don't think I've had that kinda of paranoia, but I have had irrational paranoia. I guess all you have to do is remind yourself that you probably aren't thinking rationally and move on. I see what you mean. It's just that I don't always realize I'm thinking irrationally in that moment. Generally, it occurs to me upon reflection that what I was thinking was rather unlikely to be true. And in some instances (such as with my boss, who I know is a jerk) I suspect him even still. If you don't mind my asking.. what type of paranoia have you had? How did you "move on"? Quote: I do the same thing. We just have to learn that people are not always testing us, and are for the most part oblivious to the things we do in our private lives... Yes, you're probably right. I have a hard time remembering that, sometimes. People are not nearly as concerned with me as I tend to believe they are.
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Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 5:24 pm
Its easy to get paranoid, like I used to think that people were staring at me, when really they were staring because I was staring at them, wonding what their problem was.
Recognising that people probably aren't means you're already half way there. I suppose its just another type of negative thoughts. Whenever you start thinking such things, just try and reassure you. People normally tell you when they're testing you because it makes them look good if you pass
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Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 9:11 pm
Paranoia about being teased, about the computer collapsing, and being hacked. The last one is very unlikely. Plus there's no real evidence for any of them.
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Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 12:40 am
Paranoia after I get stressed and get angry at someone or if I have a few late nights and my parent's arent happy. I start to wonder if they think my condition is getting worse, especially when I know I forgot to take my meds for a week straight (even though I do fine without them half the time anyway, but I know everyone, especially my parents thinks its a really bad thing if I miss them.)
These thoughts just add to my stress or make me ask question which lead to arguments which build stress, and stress is what pushes me over the edge.
Of course I haven't really had anything happen to me for long enough that it doesnt seem to matter to me, though im always disorganized which supposedly is typical of pyschosis suffers.
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 12:54 pm
I used to do that; thought that I was the only one, though. I don't think anybody's consciously testing you, its probably nothing to worry about, but if it gets incredibly obvious that they are, just ask them if they're testing you. Say it like a joke, though, not like you're scared of their answer (I did that once, they thought I was a bit nutty). Then just laugh it off whatever their answer was. They'll probably think you noticed their mistake and were trying to make a joke about it, and fix whatever it was. That's what used to happen to me, anyways. Or you can just ask them if it's alright if you do something different; like putting the files on someone's desk who will be reading them anyways instead of putting them in the folder.
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