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When I was about six years old, I started taking a mood controller which I was certain stunted & "held down"/"restrained" my mental development and mental speed, and I still sort of think certain parts of my development "froze" then. None-the-less, I started being verbally coherent and got saner in etc. ways. I couldn't ever fully stop thinking about my suspicions with the pills being the cause of these feelings of my development being held down. Also, I got restless leg syndrome, which I turned into voices in my head that told me to move my legs so I could ignore it. Also, I had a three-year delay as well as a three-year jump ahead in my mental development pre-medicated.
Years later, the notion got really strong at around eight years of age & I first began to have dreams where people were trying to avoid tripping into and being sucked forcefully into this growing gaping hole in the room; the dose of said pills were raised around then. I started running out of my class because a voice told me to do so because I didn't belong in there and that it was like my conscience so I could trust it; eventually, I had these crazy ladies start to follow me, "helpers," and they randomly held me down and would hurt me in ways that didn't leave marks- chasing, being held down, daily -it reminded me of my dad, who had been perticularly drunk at this time. My memory seemed to split as a coping mechanism for the confusion of how they were similiar. I somehow just KNEW that this confusion & that those ladies held me down in a way that resembled how I felt my medicine held me down. I wasn't sleeping nights at a time too. And when the ladies held me down, I felt as if this "gaping hole" would get to me and make me stupider; the gaping hole was in my brain, like the result of a brain-eating insect or like. Also, I was put into special ed, where I was certain I was being made stupid (I actually didn't learn anything during that time, my parents had to catch me up when I got older). I eventually became homeschooled, where I was positive my mind wasn't stimulated much if at all, and therefore, like how muscles do, was wasting away- into this gaping hole. which never stopped turning up in my dreams tauntingly (when I managed to look away from it in my waking existance). Back then, I had the tendancy to "deage," and I blamed the gaping hole, btw.
When I turned twelve, I coped with and eventually got rid of the chest pains I had gotten from my constantly trying to ward off the gaping hole: by producing a lot of addrinaline, something my mom once explained to me could stop asthma attacks or something like that; I thought it like I was fighting the medicine AND drinking a lot of water, which I noticed made me feel calmer AND began to think pretty much non-stop about the anime Yu-Gi-Oh and their feelings/problems rather than my own. By the age of fourteen, I was at about five or so gallons a day; a while ago, I was sitting around when suddenly my thoughts sped up and collapsed into a jumble, which felt unclean and not like the way they should be, and like they weren't my own- I felt foggy & loud, contradictary voices told me to and not to do everything from drinking my water to wandering off aimlessly out of rooms. I have always had a VERY BAD memory, but it was around this time when I'd forget everything kiloseconds after they'd enter my mind. I started really feeling as though I was slipping deeper and deeper into a "fog," which was produced by the gaping hole I frequently dreampt about. and I still had the restless leg syndrome voices, louder than they ever were. I was secretly highly suicidal, intending to not die AFTER becoming senile. Also, don't know if it is related, but my vision was blurrier; colors were greyer.
Eventually, my meds were lowered, and I felt a little closer to reality and my memory got a little better and my restless legs got more bareable. and the gaping hole had haulted in its tracks and stopped making me more and more stupid, eating my mental connections & mental barriers & mental abilities which I fought hard to keep and much harder to build, yet couldn't ever seem to rebuild once the hole showed signs of getting to them. I also stopped drinking so much water, which my physical dr. stated was messing up my electrolytes, according to bloodtests.
Eventually, actually more recently, the med was removed completely: my memory has never been better, my restless legs have healed, and I'm only hearing my own voice. although I still feel as though I'm far from people, and I wonder if it is because that gaping hole permanently did something to my connections, and now I only have weak ones I've built recently. But, then again, I drink so little water now (about two gallons a day) that I have to take a mild laxative every night. (Multiple doctors' orders, after a colonoscopy that taught me that apparently the meds made me so constipated a year or so ago that I got an ulcer in my intestines, which has basically restructured and ruined my life and makes me lose sleep and feel slimy and miserable all the time.) I'm almost nineteen now, and have been free of the "gaping hole" for years, but now I'm once again wondering if I'm disappearing, only this time it is my spirit, or lack-of, rather than a combination of spirit and body: I'm so pathetic, complaining all the time now about my special foods and exercise regimins and doctors' orders and etc. meant to keep this ulcer from effecting my sleep too much. But I want to know if anybody else has experienced what I have with the gaping hole and disappearing act, what that might've been, etc.; it was NOT Depression. I know that much.
And also, slightly off-topic, any advice on recreating this shallow spirit of mine, which has been finished off by the latest ulcer-related issues of the past almost-two-years?

The med was Lithium; I was born with "Bipolar," apparently.