July 25, 2009. That was the date. A Saturday. I wasn’t working for once, surprisesurprise. I had plans to be hanging out with one of my best friends, a guy that I jokingly call my ‘big brother’, despite the fact that he’s younger than me and we’re not related, though everyone seems to think so. My mom told me to clean my room first. SO, still fuming from the earlier ‘TALKING TO’ I got from my father, I went up to my room, plugged my iPod in, and did so. The first song up was “My World” by Avril Lavigne, my personal theme song because it’s just like me. The entire “Let Go CD” played, and I had most of my room done. The second to last song had maybe another 10 seconds when I found my corsage from Senior Prom on top of my bureau. It made me feel vaguely sad and for some odd reason, guilty. Probably because my mother forgot to tell me that I was supposed to buy my then-senior-boyfriend a boutonnière… 9 seconds left. I picked it up and walked the two steps to my desk and knelt on the floor to open my “personal drawer” with all my stuff in it. I forced it open, ignoring the paper jamming from one of my many doodles that I had just tossed in without any rhyme or reason. 6 seconds. I looked for my yearbook from this year, and picked up my yearbook from 7th grade instead. “You know, I never read anything in this…” My entire yearbook had been filled with comments, and I had never had time to read any of it, I don’t remember why anymore. Still holding the corsage, I opened it to the front cover and read the first one to catch my eye. Just the basic “Have a good summer”, the next one the same, both signed by people I no longer remember but say they were my best friends. 2 seconds. The next one to catch my eye was from someone whose name was highlighted in pink. A very familiar name, a very familiar pink. My favorite pink highlighter. My not-so-secret 7th-10th grade crush. I started reading from the top.
“This year has been great
But next year will be even
Better because we will always
Be together. –Ryuu
I <3 U 4 Real
But next year will be even
Better because we will always
Be together. –Ryuu
I <3 U 4 Real
0 seconds. The next song started. “Naked”, also by Avril Lavigne. “I wake up in the morning, put on my face. The one that’s gonna get me, through another day. Doesn’t really matter, how I feel inside. This life is like a game sometimes.” The first verse didn’t bother me, it was just my everyday feelings… The second verse started. “Then you came around me, the walls just disappeared, nothing to surround me, and keep me from my fears. I’m unprotected, see how I’ve opened up, oh. You’ve made me trust.” The corsage dropped from numb fingers, quickly followed by the yearbook itself, my eyes still locked on that last line as it bopped and bounced, then finally crashed closed on that damning evidence against me. Everything I’ve ever written for a death scene for my character happened to me then. The sudden cold, then the burning, the pain, a whirl of colors, shapes, sounds, and then finally, NOTHING. The chorus passed through unhearing eyes and unseeing ears, and the next verse started. “I’m trying to remember, why I was afraid to be myself and let the covers fall away. Guess I never had someone like you, to help me, to help me fit in my skin.” The chorus again, but this time I heard it, even through a muffled thump of my own legs disobeying my order for them to stay upright, landing me on my knees in front of the still-closed book. ”I’m so sorry Ryuu. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I never realized, I never knew.”The solitary tear hit the front of the yearbook with a wet splash before being quickly wiped off.
