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So on Saturday my sister was trying to get in touch with me so that I could give her a ride up to my place for a few days. Not only was my bf at work with the car, but I was babysitting and had forgotten my phone anyways. She pitches a mini-tantrum, says it's fine, then says she doesn't want a ride. Next day she tells our mom she wants a ride to my place, so I call her and she changes her mind. THEN she calls Monday, upset and wanting a ride. My bf and I use money we don't have (as in part of my share of rent money) to put gas in the car and drive an hour away to pick her up not too far from where her bf lives. She doesn't show. I spend the entire hour plus we're waiting trying to get in touch with her, calling our mom every few minutes to see if she's heard something, anything. The answer is no. After waiting there for ages, I got pissed off and we left. Once we get home I call Mom again, and it turns out my sister decided she didn't want to see me after all and went back to her bf's house. I'm livid. It's not like we're fifteen minutes away, and it's not like we can afford to just hop on down there and pick her up whenever she pleases. And she didn't even call me. She's done things like this before with our mom, but I'm not putting up with this. I know she has issues, hell I still do, but the difference between us right now is I'm willing to get help, and she's still trying to drink hers away. I've been patient with her mood swings (after all she's mostly likely bipolar like me), I've put up with her drinking, but I've reached my limit. I'm not putting up with this. I can't force her to get help, but I can set my foot down and refuse to be treated this way. Words fail to express just how pissed off at her I am right now. Gah. Just...gah. I want to scream I'm so pissed off. I haven't talked to her yet as I won't be able to hold my temper, and I tend to say nasty things when I'm pissed off anyways. So I'm going to wait a day or two so I can calm down before talking to her. But that doesn't help me be not pissed off right now. Dammit.

That's what I thought, and so that's basically what I did. I've cut her some slack as of right now, because between the drugs she was on at the time (which I found out about later) and the possible schizophrenia (she was recently sent to the psych ward and was given a tentative diagnoses of that) it's not like she had a whole lot of control, but at the same time I still have to protect myself. I'm willing to help her out but there's only so much I can do, and what needs to be done she has to do herself. As someone with mental illness, I understand the need for support, but as someone who has dealt with it extensively in others (our parents) there is only so much I am willing to put up with, and really there is only so much I should anyways. I can't help but feel responsible though. I keep going over things in my head, thinking "if I did this differently" or "maybe if I had been there more" knowing full well that I couldn't have changed this. I still can't help but wonder if I had coddled her less, or protected her more, maybe things could have been different. Guilt is such a wonderful thing, isn't it? *sighs*

I have no real reason to feel guilty really. I just feel responsible because I pretty much raised her. It's not like there is a huge age gap between us, there's only a difference of five years, but I thought that I could provide what our parents as a general rule did not. For the record I couldn't, but even knowing that there is little, if anything, I would have done differently as I still had a positive impact on her life. I just wasn't able to be a parent. I just can't help but wonder though if I could have done something I didn't, or if I shouldn't have done something I did. I keep drawing a blank, but it's not from lack of soul searching.

I'm twenty five. It wasn't really expected of me to be a parent, so much as our parents didn't really care. They provided food, shelter and clothing (at least mostly, and at least for a while) and that's more or less where it ended. By the time I was seventeen (I should probably also mention she was twelve at the time) that our mom, whom had split from our dad and had custody of us, decided that we were raised and there was nothing else she had to do. We fought a lot, but it was mostly over that as I was not afraid to tell her that my sister needed a mother (I had long ago given up on actually having one of my own). It's also why I balked at getting my drivers license as by that point all our mom did was show up to take her to and from school and that was it (by that point I had dropped out). I was my sister's "mother figure" and our Gramma, whom we lived with, took care of shelter and food, so our mom decided that she wasn't needed. By that point I was royally pissed off at her because I resented her for the position I had taken up in the family. I was the one who not only took care of my sister, I handled everything our parents had to say to one another, looked out for our dad (whose health was really poor) and even took care of our mom after she tried to kill herself a couple years later. I did everything, and all I heard was that it wasn't enough. And to top it off all my efforts to move out and start my own life were thwarted by her; she didn't want to have to stick around and actually raise the daughter that was still at home, I guess, as our Gramma said she would not be her mother. I realized too I had gone from helping my sister to being her enabler some time ago. I have been trying to break that habit, but it's proven to be a hard one. As for that, my bf has been a huge help, I think without him to back me up and remind me as to why I shouldn't enable her (we've lived together for years now) I probably would have caved much sooner and made things that much worse for the both of us.