Welcome to Gaia! ::

@Uma: I really do understand what you mean. It's not usually my line of thinking to put myself into a category like that. I believe that too much weight put on social categories can be unhealthy. It's so easy to throw oneself into a category for the convenience of others... But in doing so, I'm making myself shallow. Categories don't always explain that facet of that person in depth.

A lot of things have been stressful for me lately. I've had a conversation with someone before about this. I said that I'll like what I like without categorizing myself. When I wrote this, PMS was hitting me pretty hard and I think it's obvious that I was very upset. I think I've settled into my previous mindset, but if I wrote that while I was upset, I have more self-searching to do. But it bothers me that I was so affected by that one time of the month. It's been horrible these past few months.

@Bill: I have dated guys before and I've felt next-to-nothing for them when it came to physical intimacy. With my last one, even though I saw him a lot, we went a month without kissing and this was when I was your age. This was all because I never felt like getting close to him in that way.

Like you, I find myself looking at girls and thinking "She's really attractive," and I've gotten what I think is a crush on a few girls before. But at this point in life, I don't think that I would have the time or attention to figure that part of me out or devote time to another person. Uma might have said this... I'll just let it arrive when it does. Que sera sera.

You an d Bill aren't the only ones.
I've been looking at girls a lot, not just recently, and always find myself thinking I wouldn't mind going out with her.
A lot of people will say(at least, to me) that 'I didn't just wake up and decide to be bisexual/homosexual/etc." But it's almost the opposite for me.
I kind of did, except it was more that I just woke up and it hit me.
I didn't really think of myself as anything, but I just woke up one morning and realized that I'd go out with either. It just doesn't matter to me all that much.
I'm just a bit more attracted to guys. It's just how I am.
I've kissed a guy and a girl. I don't see much difference, in all honesty. XD

When I was 20, I was on my way to Japan in the marine corps, during high school, I wanted to be a poet or a muscian, I went to college to study philosophy, dropped out, and joined the military. At that point, I was going to work on my college degree, get commisioned as an officer, get out, and be a politician. All I did while I was in the corps is travel all over the world and get high and drunk, and learn allot of intresting things. When I got out, I kept myself, ugh, illegally employed for a while and collaberated withy a band writing song lyrics...I eventually gave this up and went back to florida.

I became very spiritual while I was in asia, after giving up christianty for buddhism, I evebtually start practcing a form of sycrenistic shamanism. At thaqt point, I had enough money where I didn't have to work for to years. When the money ran out, I went back to school on the GI bill, and started working part time for my now unsaid name of an employer. This time I was going to be an ecconomics professor, but I kept getting promoted at work and money was running tight so I gave up school and went into management. Now I run a 40 million dollar a year buisness, a certain branch of one of the worlds biggest coporations.

Recently I have gone through a string of tragedies that projected me on the path of the american dream. I became so sick about what my life meant, and of the pressure at work and the unsaid tragedies, that I had a complete mental break down, going to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. I was really chronic anxiety. Now I am coping with my job, and starting to write again on the side.

The point is, your twenty, and wether it is sexual prefferences, or what you want to do with your life, it's probably going to change allot, so go with it I say. It's when I stopped going with it, that is when I almost destroyed myself. I think I decided I was going to do what I wanted to do with my life when I was about ten, what ebver I damned well pleased. My father was a nuclear engineer and a buisness man, and he was very domineering about how we lived or life. When he cheated on my mother and they broke up, I became ike I rag doll, and incovience. I had to make my own way.

People have been dissaproving of how I counduct myself for as long as I can remember. I got thrown out of private school, nearly arrested five or six times when I was in college, undert investigation four or five time when I was in the marines, wire tapped and tailed when I was doing certain things, and now, as a gm for this certain buinsess, and as an assitant, I have constantly been under investigation. You know what, ******** them. I have never hurt anyone in my life.

There all over the place now, in schools, in churches, your parrents, your work, they are the thought police. It's alll to ******** sinster and orwellian if you ask me. Institutionalize, institutitionalize, the reason you guys are having problems is because you don't fit there mold. Well, your doing something right. Bravo.

Women are attracted to women because men are not nurturing enough. I am not saying there are not gay women, I am just saying I think it is natural for women to be attracted to women because we can be assholes. I also believe that some men are attracted to men because women don't get them. It was perfectly common in many ancient societies, for men to be married and have younger male consorts. The defining reason for this (or at least the justification for their lust)was becasue women couldn't understand their so called superior male way of life.

The hellenistic vision that so dominates the west was founded by people with such tendencies. Alexander the Great was a Bisexual, and without him and his father the loose macadonia confedration of city states never would have united into a culture strong enough to defeat the persians, and found western philosophy through the latter birth of greece.

Now western morals deem sexuality as a sort of stigmatism, and taht all flows from the perversion of christianty by the catholics, and futhermore, the protastants. Their used to be rituals in coptic christianity that directly involved sex, and the coptics where the first true christians, all beit they where mystics and eygptians. Further more, another popular early branch, the gnostics, who believed that the flesh was so insignificant in many of their splinter sects, that they had wild orgies with all sorts of sexual endavors involved.

The point being is we are a repressed people, not openly, but in a clandestine manner. When you stop giving a s**t about what other people think, then you can gain an annouce of yourself back. I am not saying it's an easy road, people are going to harrass the ******** out of you for it, but they can kill me before I conform what is behind my eyes at least.