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 Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2005 6:32 pm
I don't post here much, I realize, but...I wanted to ask about something.
Been having...continous problems with the disconnection. I know there is a psychological problem, dissociative disorder or some s**t, and I dont think I have it...but dunno. I keep feeling so...disconnected from objective reality, from the world around me to the point that it's a bit frightening.
Eat nothing since breakfast and drink a cup of coffee and walk and walk through the fulton street subway station to transfer trains and your bad is heavy as hell, hungry, tired, hyper, jittery, and yet...nothing. disconnect. Walking to the ferry from bowling green waiting to feel cold, the cold wind because it's something, to feel cold, something and you want to feel something, anything.
Just...lately the emotional disconnect, not even depression really but just...complete emotional numb accompanied by such a disconnect. Focus on things but can't see. Can't feel. I feel like...it's a telivision show, a picture, I look at the landscape and it'd make a nice picture but I don't feel there sometimes, moreso when I'm alone but sometimes even when I'm with someone and it's...disturbing I suppose.
excerpt from my LJ. Basically I'm wondering if this sounds like I might actually have a dissociative disorder, or whether this is just some random nonsense or whatnot. It's been...happening more lately. And I'm disinclined to think it stems from the depression/anxiety/eating-disorder s**t because that's all been going on longer, and this had only been...in summer it was occasional days of...disconnect. I don't want to call it dissociation because that suggests a medical/mental issue I may not have and I don't like improper self-diagnosis especially when serve in leui of any kind of proffesional diagnosis. But now it's like...mother bitches at me and I feel nothing. Then I cry and get depressed. And then just nothingness for days. And sometimes, like today, utterly unprompted and reality just...I have trouble with time sometimes. I can't keep track of the days of the week, the hours, the months the years, sometimes in the disconnect especially. I get less...coherant, both verbally and in writing (like right now...I realize this is far from coherant and apologies for this), and dunno. Just wondering if...it sounds like I have a dissociative problem of some sort (I realize this is often linked with PTSD, which I most definitivly don't have, so eh)
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Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2005 7:56 pm
That all sounds very worrysome! If it is enough of a problem to interfere with your life, and it sounds like it is, you should go see a doctor! Cassandra022 I'm wondering if this sounds like I might actually have a dissociative disorder[...] I don't like improper self-diagnosis especially when serve in leui of any kind of proffesional diagnosis. Well, you sure aren't going to get a professional diagnosis here! And you should know that a diagnosis from random people on the Internet can be just as harmful as a self-diagnosis! This topic comes up a lot, so here's something I wrote to Asaiah that might help you: It can seem kinda' complicated, but here's how the system works... 1.) You start having a set of problems that are ruining your life. 2.) You see a professional who slaps a label onto the set of problems. 3.) The professional administers treatments to your set of problems. Though it may seem counter-intuitive, the system is NOT... 1.) You suspect you might get a label. 2.) You look actively for a set of problems. 3.) You give yourself that label. Self-diagnosis is NEVER helpful, and is often harmful. It can make you imagine symptoms you don't have, or ignore symptoms you do have! If you are having a problem that is wrecking your life so badly that it needs medical treatment, then you have a problem, and you need to visit a doctor to treat it.
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2005 2:39 pm
The thing is that. I. Don't. Like. Doctors. At all. I have like...a paranoid fear of medical proffesionals, psyciatric workers, counselors, etc. Like, they can't be trusted, or at least...I personally can't. Plus as a minor I'd need to tell parents, and that would be a whole other issue and just. I don't. I won't. I'd say I can't but that's bs and I realize it but.
I realize I perpetuate my own problems my hiding them, lying about their existence, and activly avoiding help. I don't deny that that is true. I realize it's my own fault for not doing so but nevertheless, I won't.
And, it's just...I prefer knowing. Self-diagnosis is the best I can do without going to a doctor, which I utterly and completly refuse to. And...at least if I know it's a sort of security, like, well it's not that I'm just ******** up, but that I have a mental illness. Something to which it could be attributed to so that it's not just...me. If this was a dissociative disorder, then i could just say, when it happens, well this is me dissociating again. Okay. As opposed to wondering, wtf is this, why am I like this, why am I not connecting to reality, what is wrong with me, etc.
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2005 6:25 pm
Cassandra022 The thing is that. I. Don't. Like. Doctors. Fair enough! If that's the case then you don't need a diagnosis. A diagnosis is a doctor's tool, and can only be properly used by a doctor for a course of treatment. If you're not going to seek a doctor's treatment, then for goodness sake please don't misuse a doctor's tools to treat yourself. Like I said before, only harm can come of it. I'm not just saying this to screw with you. I know from experience. Don't seek a diagnosis if you don't want to seek treatment through a system that requires a diagnosis. Cassandra022 Self-diagnosis is the best I can do without going to a doctor. Actually, it is the absolute worst you could do. The best you can do without a doctor is to find your own way to manage your problems, rather than attempting to use only part of a system that you refuse to use to manage your problems, thereby misusing a dangerous tool. Cassandra022 As opposed to wondering, wtf is this, why am I like this, why am I not connecting to reality, what is wrong with me, etc. We all have our quirks in life, and it is our life's path to figure them out, or at least learn to live with them. And we're certainly not going to get there any faster by deceiving ourselves.
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Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 4:50 pm
i don't think your having any disoreder just developing ... i beilive it just might be depression because of your eating habits are really off i know you are saying that they couldn't be it but because your poor eating habits have lasted so long its starting to really effect you and i suggest you eat better ... and if you still can't seem to walk in reality's light you could start to find things that can distract you and make you beel happy ... you can also start writing more... that will help with the depression feelings...
** black-Nine
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Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 7:09 pm
Kudzu- I don't 100% agree with you but I do understand what you're saying and you do have a point. Thanks for the input 3nodding
tarot- actually, I tend to be depressed reagardless of whether I'm eating in a mostly 'normal' or a more eating-disordered fashion. If anything, I tend to be more depressed when I eat more/don't purge. Besides, the depression is pretty much constant regardless of whether I write/do stuff or not. But, thank you for the advice^^
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Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 10:47 am
Cassandra022 Kudzu- I don't 100% agree with you but I do understand what you're saying and you do have a point. Thanks for the input 3nodding Thanks for listening. I just try to stop people from making the same mistakes I did, but ultimately the choice is up to you!
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Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 12:58 am
Hmmm, I think I kind of get what you're discribing. It sounds like how a dream feels like to me. Like I'm not all there. I don't think that's dissociatve disorder because dissociative disorder is basically the clinical term for multiple personality disorder. Basically, from the DSM-IV: "The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self). But those symptoms are called dissociassion to be extra confusing >.< There''s dissociative identity disorder, but. There are other versions related to wondering, amnesia, PTSD, etc. But the symptoms you describe do sound a little like, well, a lot like Depersonalization Disorder. Clicky here for symptoms: http://behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/depersdis.htm. Now everyone, I ain't diagnosing here, just pointing out simularities of symptoms here. Because you also get symptoms like that from temporal lobe epilepsy. A brain scan could tell you that... but I know, I know, no docs for you smile Now I'll join in on the self diagnosis debate razz Personally, its use depends on the person, and how in touch with reality and their own mind they are. But I don't think it is as bad as everyone makes it out to be, well, compared to the doctor's diagnosis. A GP, usually the first port of call doesn't know that much about all these illnesses. They'll know the main ones, depression, anxiety, etc well. Others are up to the speciallist, the psychs. I personally think in this guild, we'd know as much as a GP. I believe a psych has the most knowlege, but if one won't see one, what do we do? Now is self diagnosis better than nothing? Depends what you do with a diagnosis. I believe diagnosis is most important for treatment. Because say, you need lithium (eg) for bipolar, but if the person is diagnosed as major depression, and given an SSRI, this could trigger a manic episode. And, it's very hard to diferentially diagnose the two. A person with reoccuring depression will have periods inbetween of normal functioning. Or could that be mania? Hard to know, especially if it's hypomania. Could some extra creativity be pathological, or normal? Compared to depression, feeling normal again feels better than usual, because of the contrast. If you self diagnose a mood disorder, you can make your mood worse. For example, if you star feeling a little low, you might think this is when a depressive episode is starting, and this thought will make you more depressed. But on the other hand, you could stop yourself from falling into a depression with self help. If it works. I don't think asking on the internet forum is a bad thing. As long as you don't take what is told to you religiously. And you might not be able to diagnose anyone or yourseld, but you can say something like "I have depression symptoms" instead of "I have major depressive disorder". And even a doctor diagnosis can be bad, they can miss diagnose a lot. For example, a lot of people with bipolar that I know have been diagnosed with something else first. Doctors are human too, no one can mind read smile But don't let that stop you from seeing one! As doctor diagnosis are the best, as long as you acuratly describe your symptoms
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Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:40 pm
I felt similar too. I felt like I ahd no control over my life, and that I'll jsut spend my entire life just letting people make my decisions. I felt like I was standing still in nothingness. I went into sudden outbursts of crying or acting out agressively. Those were horrible times, and I fear they're coming back to me.
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Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 8:39 am
I have D.I.D. and no i dont think thats what youre describing at all. but sepersonalization does sound alot closer. I know you have afear of the doctors but maybe some one who isnt really a doctor but a crisis councilor or someone in that vain may be a bit easier to talk to and can calm your fear of doctors
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Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 5:19 pm
A school counselor then, at least? They never help, but at least it'd be someone to talk to. And you wouldn't have to consult your parents first. I don't think self-diagnosis is the best decision.
I've been having that same problem lately, but I temporarily 'cured' it when I stumbled on a really truly disgusting image on the internet. Kind of brought out a HUGE ammount of pity; since then I've been more normal.
Still dream about the damned picture, though.
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