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 Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 9:28 am
On the point Cooro made about the Noble attack: Isn't there no better way of ensuring that villages, if not hers, but all others, fear and distrust the Nobles than slaughtering innocent civilians en masse? In the short run, it might get the nobles more supporters with fear tactics, but scaring people into submission and then putting them all together and training them in combat is a foolish move in war, especially if you're on the side that doesn't have an official military or the traditional government on your side.
Like I said though, that would be a staffer's call.
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Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 3:03 pm
There might be but each noble could go about doing things their own way. Some are more blood thirsty than others, prefering to rule by fear rather than making people come together. Also some nobles most likely did have minor armys due to their distance from the captial or need to protect themselves from other nobles wanting land or trade routes. Besides that part of her history won't even come into real play until she's a captain stage. Only then will she have the training to even attempt to go after that noble like she plans.
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Posted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 11:07 pm
Disclaimer: This critique is in no way meant to insult the writer or the character they've written. It is merely a compilation of comments and suggestions to hopefully help. <3
Name:
I do like the name Hakkyou very much, it flows well when reading it. However, is there maybe an alternate meaning to the name or something more subtle? I only bring this up since the meaning “insanity from blood” is really literal. What would happen if Hakkyou introduced herself to someone and they asked about where she got her name from? Would she be prepared to discuss her bloody past with a total strange or simply just freak out?
Path, Weapons, and Magic:
The idea of the different jutsu is really unique. Both the concept of pressure points and tactical smarts could definitely be used in some really fun battle scenarios. They would also spice up the rp in general since it’s such a different way of fighting. Hakkyou’s double swords are also a nifty idea. While swords are among the favorite weapon of choice, I feel like these are unique enough to stand out against all the others.
However, I think you have too much going on in terms of Hakkyou’s fighting styles. She’s using swords, jutsu, and seal forming magic. While these all could be considered part of the ninja life style, I think it would be to your benefit to chose only ONE weapon or ability with a little magic tacked on. If you decide on the swords, you could drop the Kyushojutsu or vice versa. The jutsu and the swords are cool, but both of them together gives your character too much of a battling edge and she easily turn into a god-mod. I can imagine a battle where Hakkyou freezes her enemies and then uses that time to chop them up with her sword. It just makes things too easy.
Appearance and Clothing:
Sassy redheads always rock. Making her short iS fun as well since she’s a whole lot of fight wrapped in a tiny package. Her outfit is fine as well and definitely screams ninja. My only question is, would she be wearing her face mask thing all the time? You commented that she forgets to take it off. Wouldn’t she scare people if she was walking around in daylight looking like an assassin?
Personality:
Hakkyou’s personality is very cut and dry. While her traits do flow well together, her loneliness is already anticipated by the reader and this leaves her feeling a bit flat. Even just throwing in one curve ball among all her other traits will give her more dimension and make Hakkyou more approachable as a character. If you do decide to do this, just remember to keeping making sure her traits continue to remain cohesive.
That being said, her competitiveness is a really positive trait. It gives Hakkyou something more to focus on instead of just the revenge that she’s striving to achieve. She wants to be good at everything and this offers something more endearing and relatable about her character.
Hobbies:
I feel like these are coming a little out of left field after reading about her personality. Star gazing is unique, if slightly random, hobby, as well as the gardening. They still work though and do soften her character. However, I’m not sure where doll-making comes in. I understand that you’re trying to show a more tender side of Hakkyou, but I don’t think it really works. It just seems so out of character for her to be sitting down and making dolls, especially after having read all the things previously that indicated how Hakkyou was a stern fighter.
History and Family:
Hakkyou’s history works well with her character despite being a bit cliché. However, the fact that her entire village was razed to the ground is not plausible in the Lunnarian world. Please tweak Hakkyou’s past to fit accordingly.
Other than that, I like how her brothers tie into her swords and her fighting styles. Her family’s death gives her good motivation to do what she does.
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Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 10:58 pm
Ok, major changes.
Changed her name.
Took her swords away and concentrated on her fighting style. Left the sword idea until her captain stage.
Defined a bit of her personality traits a bit more realted to the history change
Re-wrote her history. Now she's been sent to learn to fight to defend her village.
Changed Doll Making hobby to Illegal fighting.
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:22 am
Hurrrr, first off, names. Hanachi is fine, but I find her family's names... really.. really weird. They don't feel like names to me, just random adjectives? grabbed out of a dictionary. I also kind of doubt that their surname would be such a.. literal one. Japanese surnames usually come from where the family used to live, way way way way back- like Tanaka is 'middle of field', Kawabata is 'river-field', Miyazono is 'palace-garden', y'know, stuff like that. It's a minor point, but it really bothered me. Her extended family is fine, though.
Secondly, grammar/ spelling mistakes. I'll try to list them all here.
The meaning is Japanese for Blood Flower or Life Flower- The name is Japanese, meaning Blood Flower or Life Flower (it'd be nice if you could find kanji for Hanachi, too; or would her family have used hiragana? The way a name is written is pretty important, I think.)
The villiage was, of course - village
Long red hair she keeps it in a ponytail starting high on her head - She keeps her long red hair in a ponytail starting high on her head
Her scales .... is red - are red
so you wouldn't waist time - waste time
had taught them emoitonal restraint - emotional
she prefers to be given an order then left alone to do it - than
rather than give it explination - explanation
Little Branchs, Little Clips - Branches
protect her village as one of the main gaurdians - guardians
sent a letter along with her daughter ex planing her sudden appearance - explaining
never let anything stop you from you goal - your
Masashi Kiyono (Elegant director - Clear Field) - This is the only boy of the Kyono family - Kiyono
Other stuff:
The village elders asked each family to have one member learn this form of nonlethal defence, which was the main type of fightning style in her villiage. All males were required to be trained but if the youngest was a girl, she was also allowed.
One member of each family, or 'all males'? It kind of confused me.
Also, there seems to be a lot of emphasis about 'getting Hana married off' in her history. Is it a serious thing? Does it impact her in any way, like, make her question her worth to the family or something?
Her extended family seems to side with the nobles; how does she feel about this? Granted, she already doesn't seem to get along with them...
Stoic: I'm not sure this is the word to use. I googled and it gave me this-
# stoically - without emotion; in a stoic manner; "he stoically accepted all suffering"
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
# stoically - In a stoical manner; ability to suffer pain and hardship without showing feeling or complaint
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/stoically
I'd actually take this to mean that.. she doesn't fight back at all, and would be submissive, but that doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of her personality?
Her name is still Hakkyou in some places; you can ctrl+f to find and change them.
Also, like people have mentioned before: I'm not sure how wearing ninja gear would work out for her. For night missions or something, sure, I can see her all decked out in black and etc, but otherwise, her walking around in broad daylight looking like that might, well, make her more conspicuous?
I'm not actually sure how many of the points I raised are relevant, they're just things that kind of jumped out at me. Good luck with your quest though!
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 4:12 am
danse-hexe Hurrrr, first off, names. Hanachi is fine, but I find her family's names... really.. really weird. They don't feel like names to me, just random adjectives? grabbed out of a dictionary. I also kind of doubt that their surname would be such a.. literal one. Japanese surnames usually come from where the family used to live, way way way way back- like Tanaka is 'middle of field', Kawabata is 'river-field', Miyazono is 'palace-garden', y'know, stuff like that. It's a minor point, but it really bothered me. Her extended family is fine, though.
Secondly, grammar/ spelling mistakes. I'll try to list them all here.
The meaning is Japanese for Blood Flower or Life Flower- The name is Japanese, meaning Blood Flower or Life Flower (it'd be nice if you could find kanji for Hanachi, too; or would her family have used hiragana? The way a name is written is pretty important, I think.)
The villiage was, of course - village
Long red hair she keeps it in a ponytail starting high on her head - She keeps her long red hair in a ponytail starting high on her head
Her scales .... is red - are red
so you wouldn't waist time - waste time
had taught them emoitonal restraint - emotional
she prefers to be given an order then left alone to do it - than
rather than give it explination - explanation
Little Branchs, Little Clips - Branches
protect her village as one of the main gaurdians - guardians
sent a letter along with her daughter ex planing her sudden appearance - explaining
never let anything stop you from you goal - your
Masashi Kiyono (Elegant director - Clear Field) - This is the only boy of the Kyono family - Kiyono
Other stuff:
The village elders asked each family to have one member learn this form of nonlethal defence, which was the main type of fightning style in her villiage. All males were required to be trained but if the youngest was a girl, she was also allowed.
One member of each family, or 'all males'? It kind of confused me.
Also, there seems to be a lot of emphasis about 'getting Hana married off' in her history. Is it a serious thing? Does it impact her in any way, like, make her question her worth to the family or something?
Her extended family seems to side with the nobles; how does she feel about this? Granted, she already doesn't seem to get along with them...
Stoic: I'm not sure this is the word to use. I googled and it gave me this-
# stoically - without emotion; in a stoic manner; "he stoically accepted all suffering"
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
# stoically - In a stoical manner; ability to suffer pain and hardship without showing feeling or complaint
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/stoically
I'd actually take this to mean that.. she doesn't fight back at all, and would be submissive, but that doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of her personality?
Her name is still Hakkyou in some places; you can ctrl+f to find and change them.
Also, like people have mentioned before: I'm not sure how wearing ninja gear would work out for her. For night missions or something, sure, I can see her all decked out in black and etc, but otherwise, her walking around in broad daylight looking like that might, well, make her more conspicuous?
I'm not actually sure how many of the points I raised are relevant, they're just things that kind of jumped out at me. Good luck with your quest though! Actually I kinda did get their name out of a dictionary! So there's no real kanji for it. I did change that their last name came from their family's long farming history. Thanks for the grammer and spelling! I suck at it. Also fixed the males only thing. I renamed the Stoic trait to Restrained. I gave a bit more to her clothes, making the all black thing her fighting outfit. Thanks for the crit!!
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Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2010 12:37 am
Hi there (: I read it all throw again and I have to say it has come on miles since I last read it, I think you are really close to getting Hana to the point where she would be accepted.
More than anything there is just one thing that sticks out to me which is her Restrained trait. I do not even know why its just with the rest of what you have wrote it does not really seem to fit in with it. So I do not know if you have to change that or kind of tone down the other traits a little to make her sound more in control but as I said its the only thing that really hits me and I can not even put my finger on why (:
I think its because you said she was restrained and that she does not let things bother her or react to people and is in control of herself. However the trait above says she can not control her mouth XD Its a tiny thing but yea, I hope you kind of understand what I am saying. A little no?
Anyways you do not have to think too much in to it its your quest and if you like it how it is keep it, it might just be me. Anyways you have done good to get her this far *U* I like her character.
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:25 pm
Well she's retrained emotionally. If she always got angry and attacked people that would be bad. But the Blunt thing is a mental thing where she just doesn't have a filter between brain and mouth. XD
I am kinda like that. I'll say whatever I'm thinking but I always keep my emotions restrained.
I tried to put that into the description so it's more clear
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Posted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 10:16 pm
 Here have a thumb--I MEAN AN APPROVAL. GOOD JOB.
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