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 Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 8:31 pm
I couldn't think of a name, but Dance Chance came to mind...
if you have better titles, share please! and also tell me what you think of my poem :}
I see you and I want to dance
but you look at me and don't give me a chance.
I am unable to share my moving romance,
my sways, my steps, my graceful entrance.
Staring, a tear falls as I watch you prance.
Why... why won't you give me a chance...
All I want to do with you is dance.
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 11:48 am
Very nice.
If you want compliments: I liked the rhyme. It was a good poem and had a nice topic.
If you want criticism: the meter was halting, and you kept repeating the same rhymes.l
Other than that, I really liked it.
Hope I was helpful.
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Kleopatra Selene Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 12:39 pm
Thats a nice poem Light! It almost made me tear up XD It's so sweet!!!!! Its making me cry everytime I read it.. cry xd sweatdrop
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 12:48 pm
thanks for the criticism Kleo :}
and i had to resuse chance in it otherwise it wouldn't have rhymed at the end stressed
and kitty don't cry! it's not that sad... it's mainly about someone wanting to dance with a person at a dance or party, but the person rejects them.. ok that is kinda sad, but hey! there's other dancers out there
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 1:49 pm
I thought it was very good, maybe you should write a second stanza like this...
He sways to the music with
someone else, he holds dear
they love each other
but I love him
He dances with her,
with grace and poise
and kisses her litely
oh, how i loathe his joy
................ yep, I have had that feeling before
.
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 9:28 pm
hmm... but it wouldn't rhyme... i wanted every line to rhyme. It sounds good though, not going to lie.
and yeah.. that feeling sucks. =P
but! .. well there's really nothing i can say >.< lol
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 10:07 pm
Ohh, Light, this sounds like a song~
I want to put it to music, ♥
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 10:26 pm
:3 thanks
lol. rhyming is it's own music if you ask me
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Posted: Sun May 16, 2010 7:01 am
Its really pretty 8D
I like the rhymes in poems. It irrtates me when there isn't one xDD
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Posted: Sun May 16, 2010 12:09 pm
Very, very nice poem. I agree with Bloody, that it could easily make a song, but I also agree with Kleo. The meter is somewhat off, but most wouldn't notice. One more thing. In the fourth line, the use of the word "entrance" somewhat bothers me. Let me explain. In poems, it confuses me when they use a different pronunciation of the word to rhyme. I pronounce "entrance" like "in-trense", with more of an "e" sound than an "a" sound. I don't know if anyone else pronounces it with the "a" sound, so I may sound extremely critical if anyone else does. I recommend that you change the last few words of the line to something that uses "trance", as in a sort of daze.
For example, "my sways, my steps, my soothing trance".
But other than that, it was fantastic. I must admit, it's rather hard to rhyme EVERY line of a poem, so I have to give you props on that one. ^^
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Lykaios of the Shadows Vice Captain
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Kleopatra Selene Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 9:59 pm
Coral: With Luke, you mean? LOL he so doesn't deserve you. You're much better than him, and besides, you and Jake make a greater couple than you and Luke could ever have been. (I am required to say this. It's in the rules for BFFs. If Jake had said no and she was with Luke, I'd be saying the same thing, only switch out the names.) Anyway, Coral, he so doesn't deserve you... *sigh a bff's work is never done...*
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