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Me and my friend Mina went to a local arcade place today to play some mini-golf and DDR. This is unrelated to the coming rant, but we had an epic mini-golf day. Normally we both suck, but we both got everything in four shots or less (Our norm being two, ******** yeah) and I got a hole-in-one before the last hole designed to swallow your balls. There happened to be a seedy carnival across the street, so on our way out, we figured WHAT THE HELL, LET'S CHECK IT OUT. Those of you who follow me on Facebook may have seen my status update "Today is a good day to die.... VALHALLA!" --this is what it was in reference to, looking into the carnival and figuring that it was going to end in tragedy.
The first ride of the night was like, uhhhh.... a giant swing type thing? The entire unit swings back and forth as one piece, and all the seats are arranged in a circle that spins while it swings back and forth. I realized after getting on that I'd left my glasses on, and ended up holding them to my face the entire ride which was more lulzy than anything.
That ride was ok.
So, next we went to the Ferris Wheel. We thought.... "Oh boy, a Ferris Wheel! What could possibly go wrong!" And holyfux, gais, we regretted getting on.
When they were -still loading people- we noticed that this thing was just held together with tiny pins, propelled with tires, and making horrible squeaking noises. Our cart was creaking at the joints where it connected to the frame, and the little bar in the middle of the car was loose enough to jiggle with a poke.
Holy ********.
As we start going around, this thing starts making the most ungodly noises- creaking and groaning like it's ready to give it up at any second. A kid in the car behind us starts screaming to get off.
Being the trolls that we are, me and Mina start trying to cover our terror by making jokes. We're stopped at the top at this point as more people load in at the bottom. The comment was made that we were probably not going to survive the ride, and it wouldn't be a very epic death. I commented "Unless it breaks free of the supports and rolls down the road. That'd be pretty epic." She commented, "We can go back to Magic Mountain!"
"...And CRUSH Magic Mountain!" (Magic Mountain is the arcade place we'd left prior)
So the thing finally gets going, and the NOISES it made @___@ You could feel the sides of the frame trying to pull away from each other, it was making the carts twist. As it goes around, we notice that there's an obvious difference in speed. It's faster when we're near the bottom, slows to a near stop when we're near the upper corner, and then speeds up again when we're partially down the far side. The lights on one side don't work at all, the lights on the other side seem to flicker out when the thing is running slower. Then we realize, "Oh god the power supply to this thing isn't reliable."
The people in the car behind us are legitimately screaming to get off at this point, but the conductor is a troll so he ignored them. I was holding onto the pole in the center for dear life every time the cart lurched and started swinging. It was terrifying. The car immediately in front of us was actually tagged "Out of Order." ....IT'S A ******** FERRIS WHEEL, HOW IS THE CART OUT OF ORDER?!
We kept each other sane by joking that we'd have been safer on the roller coaster loop of death. Or in the Walgreens that we could see from the top of the ride. It was, overall, pretty amusing once it stopped being terrifying. I was never so happy to be on the ground.
After that, we only had a few tickets left so we saw one of those rides where you get in the teddy bears that go around on a track and you have the ability to manually spin them. While waiting in line, we noticed a green one that looked particularly spinny- so we went for that one and hopped in.
Oh God, Fashun, I now know what it feels like to get high. As soon as the lock on it released, we started spinning the b*****d. And spin like a champ, it did. We got it going fast enough that it was generating enough G-force to be pulling us back towards the wall of the bear- it was really freaking hard to keep our hands on the wheel. We looked out through the gap above the door- all the lights on the other side were a delightful blur 8D I distinctly remember that we were spinning fast enough that I couldn't actually see any people outside of where we were- only like.... vague shapes of game stands and whatnot further out. I couldn't actually see any people until later when the locks started coming back on to slow us the ******** down.
Now, this is the fun part: Normally, just spinning doesn't bother me. But this bear was sitting on a busted axis, so it had a pretty noticeable wobble to it's rotation.
SO, between super spinning, being tilted in all manor of directions, and having an endorphin high from laughing at the sheer absurdity of it all and Mina demanding to know how I managed to lead her to an innocent teddy bear ride and make it terrifying, I legitimately felt like I was on crack or something like it. I was laughing hard enough to fall over at one point. Sitting back up in a wobbly G-force generating teddy bear is an interesting experience.
THAT'S IT FOR DAY'S CARNIVAL OF DEATH UPDATE.
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