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[11-23-06]
Thanksgiving


Well, I felt real weird this thanksgiving, experienced a feeling I never had experienced. I felt, I don't know, a lot different. It started even right when I woke up (at like, 2pm and some people were already there, at my grandparents for thanksgiving). And came out, and i knew i felt different when I woke up. I felt almost, dissatached my myself, reality, and the world. I don't know if it was a good feeling or not, i was asking myself that too that day, "Hmm, does this feel GOOD, or BAD? Would I ALWAYS want to feel this? Im not sure...I don't know.." I felt real good, like almost happy, but it wasn't happiness it was something else. I totally felt, even physically different, almost like I was floating. And I was kinda walking weird, like I never walked before, but was amazed that I could walk normal. I felt like, I was someone else, like my body and most of my mind was taken over by something or someone else. Because for one, I kept changing feelings I think, and perspectives and everything. Feeling two things at once. And I felt and thought, "This is weird...this can't be my family. Why am I here anyways? Haven't they noticed this weird stranger (reffering to myself) here, haven't they noticed i'm not supposed to be here, that i'm not even someone they know?" Oddly enough, I don't think I was really depressed or thinking this in a dark way, I was almost laughing at myself, like, I don't know. Crazy happiness and joy and laugh, not real kind. I barely talked, which i normally do talk, especially at holidays and when everyone is over. But I didn't really at all, I was busy a lot, being like "inside" myself, thinking with myself about everything. And like, I didn't even notic things like for example after everyone left, my dad was talking about how a friend of ours ate a lot, a whole lot and was like "Yeah, did you see that? All the food on his plate? He's gonna hurt himself eating that much..etcetc." ((btw, not in a gossip way, we are snoopy gossip family. just so you know, and dont think bad about it)). And i was like "Oh, no actually. I didn't see/realise. " And I was sitting RIGHT next to the guy. Almost like I didn't experience that whole day. Another thing, i felt real like, going in and out of reality, well not exactlly reality, but like...In and out of life, living, conciousness, something like that. Like, after we ate, a while after, i was sitting in this living room next to the dining room (you can see the whole dining room from here i was sitting in the living room) and all of a sudden i was like "WOAH! I just ate? I don't even think/remember doing/experiencing that. Weird, i feel like whatever happened before right now has been a big void, of nothing. Like i dont know or i dont think anything happened." It was weird, like i just realised what happened and what was going on. I just "woke up" almost, and maybe "came back" from where ever i was in my mind. I could totally tell what was happening, that something was wrong. Almost a shield, and i couldnt do normal and be myself. I don't know really, i don't think anything like that has ever happened, and again like i said before, i don't know if i'd want that to happen again, maybe i would. It's like myself was going by itself, doing everything right, and i was just watching, i didn't have to do anything because, "something else" maybe was doing it for me. Like in a car, you aren't driving, but the car is making all the turns and exits and stop signs and moving along going in the right places and not crashing, and its amazing how this canhappen and your not even telling the car (or like, yourself) what to do, its just happening. But you want to know who the driver is, or if there is no driver or what. Once i "come back" like i was talking about before, everything goes back to normal and i dont feel any different, just feel the same. I dont know if i stayed normal the rest of the night, i forget. Probably though. (Also, something like the "driving car" and "coming back" happens at school a lot. I "go away" usually in the morning, like on the bus or going into school. and come back, on the way back to the house on the bus. And i'm like "woah, i just went to school? Really, weird..." (doesnt happen EVERYday, but most days) ((and when it's happening, when im in school i guess i am normally thinking in the present and everything, but for some reason when i am overwith school, i fel i hadnt even experienced it, or even gone.)) and also, a lot ill be going to class, and i dont know if im thinking of something, or if i am thinking at all, but i will suddenly before i get to the class, think "oh no, i wasnt even thinking about how to get to the classroom, i probably went the wrong way because i wasnt paying attention or anything at all, i could be standing in the same place for 4 minutes all i know" and i look up, and feel kinda weird that im even walking (because i almost "go" somewhere else, and i "come back" and am surprized at whats happening; walking, in school, going to class etc.) anywyas, il look up and ill be walking and the class room will be right there, and im totally amazed and freaked out that i am in the right place. ( by the way, it is usually always the english classroom that im going to when this happens, but this doesnt happen everyday.))I am almost scared because i dont want to go to the wrong place someday or something, its a super super big and comlicated school compared to my old school ( i just went into 9th grade highschool...ughh). I don't know, but it's real weird, and scary almost. I don't know if this is bad, or normal, or unimportant, or what.


And yeah, If anyone does read this, sorry it's so long, then i guess it would be nice for some comments or anything about what the hell is going on....Thanks...

((edit: WOAH.....i wrote a lot...geez..))

11-26-06


Well, the last few dreams iv'e had, I was in an asylum. The first one, I was kinda in this lockerroom, but one wall was out and led to a sort of courtyard fenced in area. And i knew it was an asylum i was in, but i was in this locker room, and it felt like a prison. Then this random kinight comes along and im fighting with it in the lockerroom. then it vanishes, but i still want to fight and kill it. Then someone comes by and tells me i better leave or hide because the black people are coming. Then im viewing the scene from above, and i dont see my self anywhere, but "the black people" are there, were i was standing before, and talking and gangish and everything. The second dream, i kept going into the asylums basement to get something (food from the freezer i think) and a "friend" or someone was with me, but they kept running back upstairs without me, and i kept gettig real scared cause there was barely any light and it was really creepy and i got scared. then i was running through hallways, away from this guard or doctor guy, but i was having fun ( ibet the guard person wasnt though!) but the hallways were really really long, and i was running really really fast, and laughing. Then i went into a room, and the guy came in and i threw a scalpel at him, and it hit the wall rught nest to him. i forget what else happened, but i think i might have been sedated at one point by a needle someone had or something. So yeah, pretty interesting, iv'e never had dreams that took place in an asylum.

[12-5-06]
(I wrote this onto another website, and copied it here for all to see.)


i'm in a public highschool, which isn't exactly working out for me. Anyways, something strange happened a few weeks ago in school.

Halfway through the day, i started getting abdominal pains and cramps, not so bad though. But it progressivly got worse over time. There isn't really anything I could do about it, so i just toughed through it. Finally at 6th period (2nd to last period of the day. Around 12:50) It got really worse, like within minutes. The whole freshmen grade was supposed to go down to the gym or somewhere, to listen to speeches and vote president, but i didnt go down because i felt too weird, and the teacher didnt notice. So, its culinary, and my group of three go to the other side of the room, and start making what we are supposed to make. I start feeling worse, like dizzy and lightheaded, and stomach/abdomen area hurt a lot. I couldnt really stand staight and was shaking. When I looked at anything, or thought of anything it made me feel even worse, so i stopped helping, and looked around trying to to pay attention to anything. Then the teacher came over and asked if i was ok, and if i wanted to sit down or go to the nurse. So i said id go to the nurse (in a shakey quiet voice. felt like it wasnt even me contronling how i was talking). So i went over, and she had to write me a pass, and i sat down for a second, then got up and went with someone (because i was ready to fall over) and the nurse was all the way on the other side of the school, and half the way to there, i started feeling like i was floating or something. I looked down at my shoes and thought "Woah, how and why am I walking? This is weird, i feel i have no controll over my legs, its not even me" And i felt weird cold sensations over me.I felt cold water dripping on my arms and face, and it was creepy. I finally got to the nurse, and there wasnt chairs so i stood, and i was shaking and frantic, and i couldnt really stand (i felt really drowsy and dizzy and confused) and my knees/legs kept giving out so i nearly was falling. I called my mother, but she was doing something. So i sat outside the office for about an hour or two, i think. I sort of felt, i lost time because i wasnt sure if it had been two days or 4 minutes or an hour or what. and i felt like, possesed almost. and i sat out there, and my eyes were totally freaking out and franticlly looking everywhere and rolling into my head and looking everywhere really fast. It was scary, but i wasnt thinking the whole time. i wasnt even thinking that it was weird or that i hurt. After wards, around 2:00 i got on the bus to go home, and i felt pretty much fine when i was on the bus and got home. It only lasted a few hours, from the 6th period class, to going home on the bus. It was very weird, and it felt more mental than physical. like, more things were going on in my head.

I've never experienced something like that before, and for some reason, something is making me feel like i do want it to happen again (perhaps minus the bodyily pain and cramping). But looking at commen sense, says no one would want to experience that. But i dont know. This could be something normal, I dont know. It felt like, if someone was looking at me, they would nt really think it was anything, maybe a cold or whatever, and everything is slow and normal and calm. but if you went inside my head, everything was going 700 miles an hour, and total chaos and confusion. I really dislike that school anyways, its not for me. I hope someone responds to this, I would like to see what others think of it. Thank You.