My Most Prized Possession

[Johan-Monster]

(A year ago I had writing benchmark. The topic was hard to write about so I had to make something up. So I used my story that I crated outside of school and change it a bit to match the topic and I came up with this=)

Currently I am farming in my parent’s garden. You see we are not financially stable at the moment. I am muddy and dirty like a pig, because I’ve been working out in my parent’s garden for hours now. I am a 6 year old girl. My parents aren’t unfair, but I know I also have to work around here. I believe that my parents put in more work than me, but not the physical kind. I roughly dropped the hoe and grasped my handmade necklace that my dad made for me. This was my only Christmas present last year. The necklace is a string with different color beads. It has a handmade heart on it as well. It is my very most prized possession, because every time I hold it I think of how much I love my parents and how much they love me.
“Dinner is ready” mom yelled. So I stumbled into the house. When I opened the front door I saw my dad and his partner. They both are having been working in the FBI for many years together. “See you later”, my dad happily said while waving. Without saying a word my dad’s partner waved back. Before walking out the door he put his hand on my head knowing I hated when people do that. Then after he left mom opened the kitchen door with a purpose and said “dinner is served” with a huge smile on her face that could light up the world.
After a scrumptious dinner we all went to bed. I could not rest because I was dwelling on how good this day was to me. While in my room, I could hear the extremely load answer machine in the parent’s room. My uncle on my dad’s side called to say that he would be coming over early in the morning. Soon after, I heard the rain fall like leaves in the fall. Then I heard the front door crack open. It was easy to notice because the rain got much loader. I swiftly got out of my bed, went to the door, and cracked it. I saw a man with a gun in his hand dressed in all black. Then my dad rapidly opened his door. Then the lighting lit up the room like a candle and the entire room was visible to even the worse eyes. For a split second I saw my dad and the other man and I’m sure my dad saw him too. It was my dad’s partner. My dad walked up to him and said “What are you doing here?” Without saying a word he shots my dad in his heart. Before I knew it my mom came out of her room and got killed the same way before I could blink my eyes. I not being able to move from the shock I realized that my door was no longer cracked it was wide open. Still completely frozen I saw my dad’s ex-partner walk up to me, then stop and point his gun at me. After a minute of him staring at frightening eyes, for some reason he turned around and left. All I was able to do was walk to my parents, fall to my knees, and cry in a puddle of their blood. A few hours later my uncle came in and witnessed the carnage.
Hours after that, I woke up in my uncle’s house. He said that I cried myself to sleep at my house. He told me my house is currently a crime scene. He said the cops got evidence that your dad’s ex-partner did it. At the end of our conversation I swore revenge my dad’s ex-partner.
For eight years I tried to track down my dad’s ex-partner. The whole time I have been searching for his location and now I finally got it. I mastered a rare handgun. I trained the entire eight years to get revenge for my parent’s death. In my eight years of training and tracking my heart grew cold even with my dad’s necklace on it.
When I got to his house he pleaded and begged for his life like my parents would have did if they had the chance. He said he was sorry and he is a different person now, but I still planed on going through with it. Until I saw his wife and son that was no older than three jump in front of him, I hesitated for a second. Then my most prized possession fell right in front of my feet, because the string on it must have gotten old. At that very moment I thought of the day my parents died and the rest of my memories of them. All I could do was fall on my knees and cry like I did the night my parents died. I could not go through with it because I knew my parents were watching me.
I did not kill anyone that night because of my necklace. So my most prized possession saved my life and gave me the strength to start a new one.  

[Inorganic Lord Rosiel]

Not bad I'd say! There were a few grammar mistakes here and there but nothing too extreme of course. I'm curios though, why did the guy kill her parents for? Some kind of grudge? neutral  

[Clouds_Lover]

This could actually go on to become a really good story. Like Linh said, I wonder why the guy killed the father n mother. You should put that in if you write it into a longer story ^_^ I do like it though. There are, however, some grammar and spelling mistakes as well as tense changes. All in all though, its pretty good.  

[Johan-Monster]

Yeah I kind of rushed it beacause I only had 3 days to write 2 different drafts. I can't believe I never noticed that I never put why he killed her parents. He was paid by someone who wanted all 3 of them dead and after this part he tells her the guy's name and she goes to search for him. While searching for him she meets the other main character and they end up searching for him together and so on.... Thanks for the useful advice.  

[Inorganic Lord Rosiel]

Ooh, so that's why, that cleared things up. Are you planning to write more of the story later on?  

[Johan-Monster]

The complete story is about 8 times longer than this one, but I still have a few parts to work out at the end. I'm currently working on it and hope to finish it as soon as possible.  

[RadicalFox]

wow I liked it as well. very good! well since i'm a little late on this, all of what I was going to say was already said. so i'm sure you don't need to read it a third time. all in all it wasin't bad at all and i'd enjoy reading more.