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 Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 4:06 am
I haven't been here for ages, last time I was here I think I posted something about considering seeing a counsellor or doctor or something because I feel like crap all the time, have evil thoughts and have sort of done some minor self harm (nothing major at all, kicking,hitting, minor minor minor burning it sounds bad but it's not really) I know I shouldn't be doing that at all.
Anyways I still haven't spoken to a counsellor or doctor or anyone.
I'm starting to think I should again though, it only gets worse.
I need some convincing here....I know I need to see someone about it but I can't see how a stranger can sort me out if I don't even know what's going on with me, all I know is that I hate myself I feel like s**t and I'm taking my punishment (which would be my existance) and I'm not going to get out of it by being all suicidal. But like I said if I don't know what's wrong with me how is anyone else going to know??? I mean a doctor could put it down to anything and I won't know if they're wrong or right, they'll assume they're right, but what if they aren't? Who's to know any better?
Reason 2 that's holding me back from seeing a doctor would be not wanting anyone, especially my parents and family to find out. This part is sort of crucial...I can't afford them to know and I don't trust any of my friends so they can't know either, although it'd be easy to keep it from them.
I'm in my last year of high school and I don't have a car. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can see someone without anyone finding out? I can't really afford much either I only earn $30 a week. We have a school counsellor but last time I saw him (years ago, same problem but no where near as bad as it is now) he came across as a complete idiot. Not only that but if anyone found out he knew me or realised where I was disapearing to during lunchtime, or my spare classes they'd look down on me as they also have no respect for the guy. Plus I can picture him walking past and saying hi and that would give it away as well.
Ugh what should I do??? And can someone say something about not knowing how a stranger can help me??? I need some advice I really need to see someone and any advice given here will help eliminate reasons for me not to get off my a** and go see someone. Thanks in advance?
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 4:11 am
Not only those reasons for avoiding it so long but also I have no idea what I'd say to a counsellor or doctor at all. I mean what do you say to a counsellor the first time you see them? I can tell them about how I started self harming a little and that but I mean that's like a side effect of what's actually wrong it's not the major problem itself if you get what I mean. I'd feel really awkward aproaching someone for the first time about it. I'm not an open person at all, admitting I had a problem to myself even was a huge deal for me, and whenever someone comments (a friend told me he wanted me to see a doctor even though I was pretending nothing was wrong he managed to notice) It makes me feel really sick and I end up having to sit down I'm shaking so bad and I'm trying not to throw up as well....So I'm going to feel really uncomfortable about it all I know I am but I need to do it.
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 4:17 am
Telling people I'll never meet online is a completely different story obviously....UGH! Don't mind me!!! excuse the huge long posts and I'm sorry about the triple posting!!!!!!! I'll leave now and stop posting til someone else replies...
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 5:13 am
I'll take this one step at a time. Quote: I need some convincing here....I know I need to see someone about it but I can't see how a stranger can sort me out if I don't even know what's going on with me, all I know is that I hate myself I feel like s**t and I'm taking my punishment (which would be my existance) and I'm not going to get out of it by being all suicidal. But like I said if I don't know what's wrong with me how is anyone else going to know??? I mean a doctor could put it down to anything and I won't know if they're wrong or right, they'll assume they're right, but what if they aren't? Who's to know any better? You're right, but I think that you do have to put some faith in the person you go to see, should you choose to see someone. And if you find you don't like that doctor, you can always find another one to talk to. I mean, when you go to your general practitioner with an ear ache or some kind of virus, you generally trust him or her to help you get over it, don't you? Doctors are trained in this sort of thing, you are not, and for that reason, they, while working with you, may be able to help you get through this. Quote: Reason 2 that's holding me back from seeing a doctor would be not wanting anyone, especially my parents and family to find out. This part is sort of crucial...I can't afford them to know and I don't trust any of my friends so they can't know either, although it'd be easy to keep it from them. You say you can't afford to let them know, but can you afford to continue dealing with this yourself? It doesn't sound like it, from your posts. Quote: We have a school counsellor but last time I saw him (years ago, same problem but no where near as bad as it is now) he came across as a complete idiot. Not only that but if anyone found out he knew me or realised where I was disapearing to during lunchtime, or my spare classes they'd look down on me as they also have no respect for the guy. Plus I can picture him walking past and saying hi and that would give it away as well. If you don't want to say anything to your parents just yet, then you should try talking to this guy again. This time ask him to point you in a direction where you could get some help, instead of having him try to work it out with you, because that obviously didn't work last time. If you don't want him to say "hi" to you, just tell him so, and explain why. And maybe you can try staying after school or something to meet with him (tell your parents you're doing projects or something). He may tell you that you need to talk to your parents about this, if he feels you do need to see another professional. If he tells you to do this, do it. Your friends don't have to find out, but your parents are supporting you right now, and they would likely have to pay for any counseling sessions and drive you there. Plus, they may have noticed there is something wrong, already, but haven't said anything about it. Quote: I mean what do you say to a counsellor the first time you see them? I can tell them about how I started self harming a little and that but I mean that's like a side effect of what's actually wrong it's not the major problem itself if you get what I mean. I'd feel really awkward aproaching someone for the first time about it. You can tell them exactly that. Hopefully they'll help you along. If you need to, write some things down to show him or her.
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 4:05 pm
Faithless_Trust I can't see how a stranger can sort me out if I don't even know what's going on with me, all I know is that I hate myself I feel like s**t and I'm taking my punishment (which would be my existance) and I'm not going to get out of it by being all suicidal. But like I said if I don't know what's wrong with me how is anyone else going to know??? I mean a doctor could put it down to anything and I won't know if they're wrong or right, they'll assume they're right, but what if they aren't? Who's to know any better? I know how you feel. It's natural to realize that nobody knows you better than yourself! However, you should also know that the brain can be not working right, just like any other part of the body. And no amount of wishful thinking on your part might be able to do any good for you. It's like if you had a broken leg. Sure, you'd know best where on your leg it hurts, and how much your broken leg is affecting your life. But you'd have better luck having a doctor check it out and help you in the healing process than just assuming that you know best. Faithless_Trust Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can see someone without anyone finding out? Call your local crisis hotline. They'll find someone who is within walking or bus distance from you who takes payment on a sliding scale. Ask for people who take appointments during the times you're free to come as well. You said you were all right with your family knowing, so maybe they might help you out with rides and money. Faithless_Trust I have no idea what I'd say to a counsellor or doctor at all. I mean what do you say to a counsellor the first time you see them? I can tell them about how I started self harming a little and that but I mean that's like a side effect of what's actually wrong it's not the major problem itself if you get what I mean. You're right. It's not your job to find out what the "major problem itself" is. Before you go see the doctor, write down all the side effects of your problem so that you don't miss any. Write down everything that negatively affected your life, how often it happens, when it started, when it gets worse. That kind of thing. Then let the doctor sort it out.
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 11:40 pm
I'm assuming, based on your post, that you're under 18? The problem you're talking about, the not letting your family know, I don't know your situation, but families a lot of times are much more understanding than you might think. I know that I hid things from my parents for a long time, but when I finally told them they were very cool about helping me.
The thing you need to remember is that your family is your family... they love you. They don't want you to be hurting. If they know you are in pain, they'll hurt, too and, were it me, I would want to get you all the help you needed.
If you absolutely CAN'T tell them the details of what's going on, look into it yourself and then maybe just say to them "Look, guys, I've been dealing with some problems at school/work/socially/etc. that I don't feel like I can handle by myself. Would it be possible for me to get in to see a therapist? I have been doing some research, here's a list of names and contact info of people I'd be interested in seeing."
Regarding the doc him/herself, even if your folks/guardians will be paying for the therapy, that doesn't mean that your therapist is not still bound by the rules of confidentiality. The only things that they are REQUIRED to not withhold is when you're suicidal. Bring up in your first session that you are concerned about confidentiallity and ask your therapist directly what they will and will not disclose upon being asked by your family. If you don't like the answer, you don't have to continue in the therapy. You can also ask your family not to ask you what went on in session... my parents, at least, respect my not wanting to talk about it.
Another good source for referals and information is your state's branch of the American Psychiatric or Psychological Association (if you're in the US). They should have a number that you can call to talk to someone who will be able to tell you people who not only are in your area, but may specialize in the area you're having problems with.
Good luck to you, hon. Be strong, take some deep breaths, and try and get the help you need.
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 3:25 am
Thanks for the advice and stuff. I am almost 18 and I don't live in America. This can't really wait until I get my driver's lisence (at 18 here) because I'm sort of hoping to go and live in Japan next year, and I don't really live walking distance from anything. I need to get help before I leave because it'll be even more difficult to find help over there.
I did think about calling some sort of hotline but I'm worried a little...I mean will it show up on the phone bill? I live in Australia so our phone bills might work differently than yours, but do you think it will? I might check some sort of referal thing out online first if I can find anything.
I know I should tell my parents how I'm feeling and I know they do care, but I don't want them to know, I know I probably sound really immature here but I really don't want them to find out I couldn't stand it, I know exactly what their reactions would be, dad would stress out and go on about it infront of my siblings and grandparents even if I told him I don't want anyone to know, and my mum would probably be overly caring and blame it all on herself. I wouldn't be able to look them in the eyes after saying I want to see a counsellor or doctor or someone.
I've stuffed up I really have. It sort of started when I was 11 and when I was 12-13 my teachers and parents really started noticing something was up and my mum tried convincing me to see a psychologist or doctor many times, but I always said no I wouldn't go. One of my teachers especially was trying to convince me to go see the school counsellor, but I wouldn't. The reason I saw him that one time was because my teacher had gone and told him about me and he sent someone for me during class. But I was in denial really, like I said admitting I need help was a huge thing for me, it took me like 5 years to admit to myself. So I sat there and pretended I was right as rain and he could do nothing than say ok I'm glad if you ever want to talk come see me.
Now everyone just thinks I'm a lazy a** who's letting their dreams and life slip away. It's difficult. I threw away the help I need so much now. But I still don't want to say anything about it to my parents.
Once more sorry for the huge spiel, and thanks for the advice.
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 6:52 pm
Faithless_Trust I did think about calling some sort of hotline but I'm worried a little...I mean will it show up on the phone bill? Call from a Payphone, or ask a business or school or friend to borrow their phone. Faithless_Trust I know I should tell my parents how I'm feeling and I know they do care, but I don't want them to know Listen, if you're hurting yourself and you're suicidal, you're BEYOND the point at which you should be worried about your pride or your image or whatever else. Tell your parents. Get some help before you end up having them find out when you end up horribly injured or even dead.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 5:27 am
I just want to say, I agree with Alex (Kudzu).
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 5:04 pm
You might think it is impossible to tell your parents, but it really is survivable, even though you cant feel it right now. It took me a long time to admit to my husband what was going on. The thing is, you have now brought yourself to tell all of us. Each time you tell someone it gets a little easier. If you cant SAY the WORDS, what about writing them a letter? They could read it when you arent there so you dont feel judged or embarrassed. I am now able to tell my friends and family and they have been amazing about it. and I have actually TRIED TO TALK THEM INTO LEAVING ME!! When it gets bad I have emailed my best friend and told him to give up on me and find people that deserved to have a friend like him. Luckily he doesn't listen and he has been so much help with my problems!! It will be the hardest thing you ever do, if you can do it, but I think most of our members agree that telling someone for the first time was the hardest battle we ever fought.
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