Tendrils of his obsidian shoulder length hair slapped against his face stinging his tender pale cheek as he fought against the unforgiving wind and deluging rain as he searched for shelter. The autumn bare trees cried out as their branches scrambled through the air, clawing for something to hold onto as their roots dug deeper into the soft mud, trying desperately to keep themselves from being ripped from the earth.
Hm, well I love your imagery and the descriptions...however I think this is a bit too much. It seems out of place with the rest of the story, as this is very flowery, superflurous, and wordy and the rest of your piece is not. You should prolly go back and simplify this paragraph and some of the next one as well. I think it will read better that way. You started the story off with an insubordinate clause, and it is confusing. I like the sentence, just don't use it to open. If you need help simplifying it, or if you want me to go into detail, PM me and I'll break it down a bit for you. You have some awesome imagery...just spread it throughout your story instead of clumping it here. The first paragraph needs to grab your reader's attention and make them want to read more.Seth wiped the water from his face to find his efforts in vain as the water continued to pour down his face blurring his vision of dark outlines on the backdrop of a never-ending abyss. Lightning struck the earth with a resounding crack that lit the forest for mere seconds before returning the world to enshrouding darkness. His feet stumbled through the mud as rain-made streams tried to pull his feet out from under him. His clothes clung to his cold clammy form as one would an old lover however; they denied the warmth of the embrace. His cat-like, grey eyes squinted trying to discern through the darkness any form of shelter this weather worn forest might offer.
Once again, a bit much...but not too bad!Chilled to the bone, he could feel exhaustion invading his mind, slowing his thoughts and motions; soon he would collapse and escape this unforgiving storm.
There is nothing wrong with this sentence, but personally I don't like semicolons, as they seem a bit sloppy. Also, you used the same structure earlier, and it stands out because it is rare in stories, really. Stumbling through the ice cold water he searched ahead of him with his arms outstretched so he didn't collide with any trees or boulders. His black tail
He has a tail? Hm...you may mention that in the opening paragraph...or perhaps hint that he's not completely human... dragged behind him
. He bent to pick
it up and place it around his shoulder, too tired to move it on his own
. As he straightened (or something of that nature...use whatever words you want here) he noticed an unfamiliar silhouette mov
ing in the distance
. The cloaked figure
moved You already said moved...use a different word! fluidly as if the torrential storm had no affect on it. Seth stumbled over a rock and fell to his hands and knees in the stream.
He was shivering
and struggling to stand again, when he felt a warm hand on his cheek.
You need to make sure you keep your tenses consistent...if you used -ed once, then don't use -ing in that sentence. They must agree. Startled, he jerked his head up, his grey eyes clashing
...this next bit is REALLY confusing! I see what you're trying to say, but don't do it this way. If you're gonna describe her eyes as that complex, lose the adjectives. with warm lavender streaked ocean blue eyes.
"What are you doing out in this storm?" The figure asked in a soft feminine voice.
His tired mind struggled to understand what the creature before him had just asked, he tried to see the rest of the figure, but she was only an outline in the dark night.
FROM HERE... His eyes returned to hers, he reached out a tired hand, but lost his balance and collapsed into the mud, shutting his eyes he was ready to give into the exhaustion forgetting the enchanting eyes that loomed above him, his heavy eye lids began to close.
TO HERE is one sentence...I know people talk like that, but when writing, you have to put in periods occasionally, or your readers get a bit confused. I have noticed you tend to favor subordinate clauses. There is nothing wrong with that. However, you need to mix up your sentence structure a bit so it doesn't get motonous. You've got some variety, but you could use some more. I'm not going to edit that huge sentence, because there are so many different ways to do it really...I'd suggest rewriting some of it and just adding periods to other parts, but it's all up to you!!Something shook him and rolled him onto his back causing him to groan in pain as his torn back touched the cold water.
Wait...his back is torn? When'd that happen? I know you explain this later, but you need to hint that he's wounded before you get to here, so your readers wince instead of looking around in confusion. "You poor dear, let me take you somewhere warm to rest." Before his tired eyes a light began to glow behind the woman’s back as what appeared to be wings of silver tipped lavender feathers formed behind her. His cat eyes widened in recognition of the mythical creature before him.
So you gonna tell us what he knows? If you intend to explain later, then hint at it. If you're assuming your readers will know what you're referring to...well, that's a mistake. Remember, your readers ONLY know what you tell them!! With the tenderness only known to him by his mother the woman cradled him to his body as she beat her illusory wings picking them both up off the ground.
You just squished any possiblity of romance by comparing her to his mother. Just thought I'd mention it. She turned in the direction he first noticed her and flew through the forest, the trees and rocks seemed to move for her to make her way unharmed.
That is SO cool!! God, I need that ablility...Seth studied the fallen goddess who held him as she flew, sheltering him from the cold.
Water streamed down her purple-tinted skin
I love the purple tinted skin!! However, the part of the sentence after this doesn't really make sense...it's an unfinished thought and needs to be connected to something or made into a complete sentence. You could just talk about how her face was gentle and curved softly and then go into her hair... of the soft curves of her face, her dark wet hair whipped behind her caught in the air by the speed in which they flew.
New paragraph! He looked around as they began to descend, small wooden houses built around and in titan sized trees lay below them
some lit
inside with what appeared to be candles or fireplaces.
This way works, but I'd like you to be more creative and describe what it looks like without telling us they have candles in the windows. It'd be more powerful, I think. They touched the earth at the outskirts of town; after his footing became steady she released her hold on him and began to walk toward the town. He followed slowly taking in the scene that lay before him. The woman’s’ wings faded into the cold night air as they strode down the cobbled stone path toward the center of town.
Her wings fade away? Sweet!! His eyes grew wide when he saw a small dragon with metallic blue scales perched next to one of the larger houses, its reptilian black eyes trained on Seth as he followed the woman.
“What is this place?” Seth asked the woman ahead of him
, keeping an eye on the dragon as they passed it.
“This is the Isle of Betha; it is a sanctuary for the creatures of old; before humans took over this world. You will find that things are run differently here than it is with the rest of the world.” The woman answered
. She stopped in front of a house that surrounded the base of a large oak tree. Looking up he found that a cylindrical tower followed up the trunk and rooms extended out onto the large sturdy branches. Lightening flashed revealing at least ten creatures in the branches of the tree watching his every move.
Can you tell me something about the creatures? Just something vague, maybe, to give your readers an idea of what they're looking at. “Forgive them, we are not accustomed to strangers, most of the townspeople here have known each other for hundreds of years.” The woman explained as she led him into the house. Warmth touched his frozen cheeks; he closed his eyes enjoying the heat. “Come,” she commanded, he opened his eyes and followed her through the walkway, into a large circular room that had the trunk of the tree centered in it. Large burgundy pillows were placed between the thick roots to form a seating area. On the far wall a large table made of half a cross-section of a tree sat low to the ground with five burgundy cushions surrounding it.
To the left and right of the table were two fireplaces set deep into the walls.
Wait, they live in a tree and have fireplaces? How exactly does that work? He was stirred from his observations by his host’s voice
. “I will go fetch us some dry clothes.”
She said briskly. He watched as steps formed under her feet as she made her way
upstairs.
If the stairs are creating themselves as she moves, then she can't go upstairs. (you gots to have stairs to go up them!!) She can go the upper level...or something similar...but not upstairs. Seth moved to the left fire place removing his drenched black cloak
and hanging it on a bar that stood out from the wall.
The cloak was followed by his charcoal grey vest, white shirt, black rider boots and socks. Feeling the warmth begin to seep into him, he stretched lazily in front of the fire.
Don't use the word 'lazily' because my first thought is, 'On the floor?' That is usually what one means when wording something like that... Putting his arms above his head he pulled himself up onto his tiptoes, and then grimaced at the sharp pains in his back. Returning to the flats of his feet he sat on the wooden floor and probed his back trying to find out how badly hurt he was. His clawed hands
You don't need the word 'clawed' there. It makes him sound very foreign and either scary or deformed instead of making the audience sympathize. Besides, no one pokes a tender area with something sharp intentionally! found three deep gashes that he tried not to fuss with to much when his host made her presence known once more.
“There are more that you can’t reach, I will clean and dress them once you are changed.” She informed him.
Why wouldn't he know that? He was there when it happened, I assume...He turned to find her dark blue hair braided down her back,
Wait, wait...there's a stranger bleeding and dripping in her living room and she stopped to braid her hair? That seems unlikely, braiding hair takes a fair amount of time... she wore a loose purple shirt that seemed to bring out the lavender in her large eyes and a pair of wide black pants. Both garments were tied closed in intricate knots. She handed him a bundle of cloth that he assumed was a change of clothes. “I will return in a few minutes.” She said and left back up the see-through stairs before he could thank her.
Quickly he removed his black slacks, and hung them on the rod by the fireplace. Unfolding the cloth he found it was a pair of the foreign pants that the woman had been wearing; slipping them on he tied the pants closed in a sailors knot that he had learned on his sea voyage. The pants dragged on the floor; showing that the owner of the pants must be of great height to make his six foot two frame feel like a child wearing his father’s clothes
. But they were comfortable. He sat by the fire waiting for his host to reappear, hoping she brought a shirt with her.
He didn’t have to wait long
. Soon the stairs disappeared and she leapt through the hole in the ceiling surrounding the tree trunk, landing gracefully on the floor by where he sat.
Why did she take the time to braid her hair, but didn't bother to walk down the stairs? New paragraph!“Lay on your stomach and I will attend to your wounds,”
She instructed. He did so, resting his head on his folded arms. He gazed into the fire as he felt her begin to work on his lacerated back. “My name is Onnara; this is my house, the house of More, what is your name
, Cat?” She asked as she washed the dirt and dried blood from the many lacerations on his back.
"My name is Seth
. I’m a were-leopard,” he replied lazily as the wild flames danced for him in the fire place.
“A were is uncommon to be exiled to this land,
Why? how is it that you can not hide you leopard attributes?”
He hissed when she scrubbed the cuts on his back, “I was on a journey to the new world that Christopher Columbus discovered, a full moon arose and a shipmate found me
. I was chained and locked below for the three nights. After that they brought me on deck and proceeded to whip me with a silver-barbed whip to try and ‘exercise the demon with in me.’
This would be a great place to put something about his tone of voice or facial expression...to give us more about him... After they were finished they decided I could not be cured and threw me overboard. I managed to keep myself afloat and the current eventually brought me here. I have been walking through the woods for about a day and a half until you found me.” Seth told her, he closed his eyes, trying to ward off the pain from the wounds and the pain of betrayal.
“You must have done something right to have Mannanan Mac Lir bring you to this Isle.” Onnara mused as she dressed his wounds with an herbal salve and began to bandage them.
Seth sat up to help her wind the white cloth around his chest and torso. “Who is Mannanan Mac Lir?”
“He is one of the Gods of the weather and seas and a guardian of this Isle,” Onnara explained as she finished the bandaging. “There, with your abilities you should be healed in the morning.
So, the humans have finally figured out that the world is round.”
Before that last sentence, you need something to indicate it's a topic change. It seems too abrupt and totally random.“What do you mean finally
? No one knew of these lands
. It is a great discovery,” he protested.
Onnara stood, looking down upon him. “Yes it was, about one thousand years ago, but never mind that for now
. Come Seth
, I will show you to a bed. Tomorrow I will show you around town, if you wish to stay then tomorrow night you will have a lot to learn of our ways.” Onnara said, and turned, the stairs reappeared and he followed her up two floors, where a man was asleep on a large amount of green cushions, his long pale blue hair glisten
ing in the light.
“Connor, this is Seth he shall be sleeping here tonight
. Be nice.” Onnara said in a gentle voice but one that held authority. The man turned to lay on his back,
hisdark green eyes
fell falling upon Seth’s form. Connor nodded slightly then turned back to his side facing away from Onnara and Seth.
“I will retire now, sleep well Seth.” Onnara said.
“Thank you,” Seth said to empty air, he searched the dark room but his host had already left.
A deep silken voice came from where Connor lay
. “She does not like being thanked; sleep young one
. Tomorrow will hold many surprises for you.”
“Very well, goodnight,” Seth said
. He found a large black mound of cushions.
where? After arranging them to be more comfortable, he settled into the softest bed he had ever known and fell into a deep slumber.
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