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 Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 6:58 pm
Let's see what you get.
...So I was reading Playboy tonight, since I found one downstairs, that's been there since our Halloween party. Then again, I guess, to be fair, I wasn't really reading it. No one really reads the ******** articles. What with them being about Islam, voting, and nursing mothers. Seriously. If a guy buys porn, that's not the s**t he's interested in.
In fact, I was incredibly disappointed to discover that there wasn't even a bare ******** breast until page fifteen. And even then it was only because one of the letters to the editor referenced a previous issue's article. So it was a repeat ******** image and all of 2"x3". And she had a ******** bush. Seriously. I mean, I guess that's something to write in and b***h about, but it's not like I even read the letter, so I have no idea what their complaint was. Probably lack of intellectual articles in the magazine. Come to think of it, it could be all that wanker's fault that the porn is ******** devoid of... well, porn.
And to make matters worse, they used an image from that shite movie Alexander, in which Rosario Dawson's (who's ugly as ******** anyway) breasts look, well, ******** creepy. Or at the very least, ridiculous. *Sigh*
And then there's an ad for Glenlivet 12. The worst scotch known to man. What a ******** turn off. You could probably give me a hard on with some good scotch. I wouldn't put it past me, but ******** Glenlivet? Puh-leez.
So now we're to page 47 with nothing but articles and ads, and nothing even vaguely pornographic, and we get to a six page art. about voting, war... Goddamned men with guns. If that s**t turned me on, I'd go to a ******** NRA meeting and wank to the redneck confederates. Seriously. I mean, Jesus Christ.
And don't get me started on the big Crown Royal fold out advert. Who thought that up?
Oh god... and next we have ....How old is this bint? 50? Oh yeah... fapfap. She's probably not even a mother, so there goes the potential Milf appeal. Next you're going to be giving me pictures of Cher, fully clothed, and hope that does it for me.
It doesn't.
And here's the article on Islam. Sure, it's probably interesting. I tend to like stuff like this. But not when I could potentially have paid six bucks for some naked chicks and this is the crap you give me. No. I'll pass.
Wait! Page 72 and there's an a**! Wootwoot. Progress, I declare. Then you tell me she's from Angel, or Buffy, or some crappy show and she loses cool points. Still, she's kinda hot, so I'll overlook that for now. Though I'm really not digging the bleached blonde hair. We got five pages of her. A little redemption, right?
WRONG.
Because what do we get when we next turn the page?
An X-Ray of a BROKEN p***s. GOD MAN. Who puts that s**t in a man's magazine? No one wants to see that. Bigger mood killer than the goddamned glenlivet, let me tell you. I mean, the glenlivet's looking really ******** good now. Seriously. Ouch.
BAD ******** PLACEMENT.
Then we have a bad charicature-esque drawing of a pilgrim/early settler orgy. I know this is the November issue, but I prefer real people in my porn. Just saying. At least they did us the favour of not showing any poorly drawn pilgrim dicks.
Then it's on to another article I didn't read. About nursing mothers. And man, does that drive me wild... Note: the sarcasm drips like her ******** lactating tits. Nasty s**t.
Then we get an article about videogames with tits showing. I guess that's some geekboys wet dream, but I still like my women alive and less pixilated. Thanks.
Now... just when you think it can't get worse, turn the page with me. What do you see now? That's right. A fat man with bunny ears groping another fat man. The article says it's Jack Black. Now call me uncultured, but I was perfectly happy not recognizing either fat man.
But the mag makes it up to me again, by giving me more nudity, finally, on page 99. She's not even too bad, which is a relief, since she's the centerfold. But her ambitions are 'To be successful in my modeling career and real estate. I also want to be a good role model'. Man, I want to be successful at posing naked for magazines too, chick. That's what'd make me feel like a good role model. ][Insert eyeroll here].
P.S. Playboy... don't include childhood pictures of your centerfolds. Even if they are wearing cheerleading uniforms. Creepy.
And on to more bad drawings of pilgrims going down on each other. This guy has his head stuck all the way into his wife(?);s...well, we'll just say way up there somewhere. She must have gotten around a lot, before she married him, cause that's some stretch. Reverse birth FTW? D:
Three sweaty chicks in a sauna. Would be a lot hotter if the sweat was worked up by a good ********, not laying around oozing from every pore. Earn the ******** wet glisteny look, bitches. Come work for that nasty sweat sheen.
Clothing adds. Yayz. Now take them off.
More nudity. This time with scary anti-gravity boobs. Call me picky, but I prefer the real thing. Those just look like they're gonna pop and ooze s**t everywhere. Ugh.
And what's with all the chicks holding hands. I hate lesbians in mens porn. Why does any guy like it? I mean... Bi's sure. At least there's the chance that they'll let you play too. Watching Lesbians is just a tease. ******** bitches. D:& Come back here. Don't look at me over your shoulders like that. Grrr.
And after nearly ten pages of almost acceptable skin, though mostly just ...standing around, we're back to the pilgrims. This time the husband's about to get a blow-job. . Still poorly drawn. Or maybe she's just removing a splinter and needs to get close to see. It's hard to say, really. Please stop with the waste of space. This is really starting to creep me out.
And on to the final articles and adverts.
The end.
Thank ******** god.
I know playgirl doesn't gyp you like this. What's the deal?
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Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 8:00 pm
And that, dear sir, is what google is for. surprised
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Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 8:10 pm
Yes, well, I thought I'd give it a shot. I was rather disappointed.
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Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 8:20 pm
At least you learned a lesson to not trust a pornography company just because they are famous, eh? :>
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Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 8:28 pm
s**t like that is why I prefer erotic literature. The girls and guys are as hot as I want, lol.
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Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 8:28 pm
lol.
Hustler FTW!
God I hate porn shops.
Never been more turned off in my life.
Hairy Cuties #3?
gonk
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Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 8:30 pm
This, my friends, is what the internet is for. Besides, what else is rule 34 for?
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Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 8:33 pm
Dyslexic Rainbow At least you learned a lesson to not trust a pornography company just because they are famous, eh? :> I believe this is a lesson that, unfortunately, some of us (such as Ffaux and myself) have had to learn the hard way. I happened to stumble across an issue of playboy myself once, though it was at a friend's house, and in his dad's room. Wow. Holy crap. If that's supposed to be considered porn, than watching Janet Jackson's "Wardrobe Malfunction" at the Superbowl is probably considered hardcore porn. That's my take on things.
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Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 8:38 pm
davids_buddy_type_thing Dyslexic Rainbow At least you learned a lesson to not trust a pornography company just because they are famous, eh? :> I believe this is a lesson that, unfortunately, some of us (such as Ffaux and myself) have had to learn the hard way. I happened to stumble across an issue of playboy myself once, though it was at a friend's house, and in his dad's room. Wow. Holy crap. If that's supposed to be considered porn, than watching Janet Jackson's "Wardrobe Malfunction" at the Superbowl is probably considered hardcore porn. That's my take on things.
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Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 9:53 pm
Well, I only heard about it (and watched a clip of it happening, if I remember correctly) on Late night with Conan O'Brien. He had her left breast as his guest, and it spoke like Fat Albert. It was strange. Anyways, she was dancing and singing up on stage, and the other person who was with her spins past her and takes off her breast plate as he does so.
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Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 10:15 pm
Yeah, I heard about how it happened, just never bothered to go watch.
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Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 3:47 am
Vanadia Gold lol. Hustler FTW! God I hate porn shops. Never been more turned off in my life. Hairy Cuties #3? gonk I love porn shops. Sex shops are the funniest places, just not that sexy. Nothing really caters to me there anyway. Google and a good anti-malware program are the way to go for porn, imho. The models in Playboy are always ugly. You need some yellow meat, Ffaux Pas. Never looked at Playgirl myself, but I imagine it to be all hairy, scary and masculine, not actually attractive men.
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Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 6:06 am
Well, my flatmate insisted on proving to me that playgirl is better. They weren't all hairy, but asians and pretty boys really aren't my type, so I don't think your recommendations will help me much. ;]
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Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 8:18 am
Ffaux Pas Well, my flatmate insisted on proving to me that playgirl is better. They weren't all hairy, but asians and pretty boys really aren't my type, so I don't think your recommendations will help me much. ;] Asians and prety boys are the way to go. One day I intend to become a kidnapper in Japan or Hong Kong. talk2hand
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Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 8:34 am
princess lolifoxxx Ffaux Pas Well, my flatmate insisted on proving to me that playgirl is better. They weren't all hairy, but asians and pretty boys really aren't my type, so I don't think your recommendations will help me much. ;] Asians and prety boys are the way to go. One day I intend to become a kidnapper in Japan or Hong Kong. talk2hand QFT. Asians of any gender are acceptable to me.
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