Well I was born Christian, first Catholic then Orthodox. When I was little I was always in tune with Christ. i'd talk to him as if he were my best friend and pray a lot and such. I never was disappointed when I didn't get what i prayed for it's like somehow I understood why without realizing it. Anyways and then as I developed problems with my health once I approached high school years I slowly started to not believe in God. I kept having thoughts and feelings of if God really does exist and we really are his children why would he make me suffer so much when others have such great lives.
Yeah sure I knew other people had lives worse then mine and were sicker then me. But hey I was seeing a doctor at childrens hospital trying to diagnose me with a physical problem (it turned out to be a majorly bad side effect of a medicine I was on), I was seeing a psychiatrist diagnosing me of mental issues (he still hasn't figured one out my latest is "possibly bipolar"), I've had asthma that goes in and out of being bad since birth (I've got this machine thing that i have to use sometimes), so I had those things all going on at once I had dropped out of school cause I couldn't take it so I just felt many questions of "why" "why me?" "why so many problems" "do you exsist" "do you love me" and it slipped from there. I got addicted to cutting, I've taken too many pills on purpose but not enough to end up in the hospital, I became addicted to drinking. I totally played with guys feelings and other bad stuff with them online but then I started having major thoughts of doing that stuff in real life.
Then one day recently while listening and singing along to newsboys just because I've always loved them and never developed a hate for their music like I did God and church I just broke down and I was crying for hours. I knew I needed help but I didn't know how to get it and I felt so sorry. more then I ever have in my life, I felt dirty and not worthy of the forgiveness I was going to ask God for. But I knew deep down that he would forgive me like good parents always forgive their kids and love them and treat them like their babies.
So I called my priest and we had a talk about everything and we prayed together. I'm still working on getting back on track. It's a long process but God keeps me motivated, my church keeps me motivated, the Christian radio station keeps me motivated and movement keeps me motivated.
