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 Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 6:45 pm
This post is probably going to be long and rambly, but I'll try to make it as coherent as I possibly can. I feel the need to say that despite what may come across, I would never ever ever hurt my daughter, I am just to a level of frustration and anxiety that a lot of times I say things that are over-dramatic, simply because I can't find any other way to express myself.
It's becoming clear to me now that I very likely had Post-partum depression. I do love my daughter, Kaiya, but I don't feel that I have a solid connection with her. As much as I love her, I do resent her because of the way I feel when I'm with her.
I don't understand why or how, and I used to think that I was just exaggerating, but Kaiya is horrible for me and she is perfectly well behaved for everyone else in my family and at daycare. When my mom or aunt take her on the occasional weekends that they do, they'll say something along the lines of "Oh, yeah she gets kind of fussy when she's tired, but she's just PERFECT otherwise!" When her father takes her, he never complains that she's overly fussy or whiny - he only makes mention of "cute" things she's done or new words she's saying. At daycare, she plays beautifully with the other kids, and on the very rare occasion where she does get fussy, the babysitter (Joan)will put her in time out, where she sits, perfectly behaved until Joan goes to get her.
None of this is the case when she is with me. When I usually pick her up from daycare, she's crying before I get her in the car. When I get her home, I have to fight with her to get her to eat, she'll take all of her toys out and throw them in every conceivable part of my apartment, and stand in the middle of the room screaming. When I try to comfort her, she actually hits and kicks me repeatedly until I leave her alone - and then she proceeds to cry and scream louder because I'm not giving her attention.
Kaiya follows me around to scream at me. I'm sure this isn't true, if only because whenever I mention it people tell me I'm stupid, but it is very apparent to me that my daughter hates me. The second she's in my custody, she's miserable, and there is NOTHING I've been able to do that will satisfy her.
Because this has been going on since I broke up with her father, a year ago, it's left me pretty detached and depressed. I spend most of the time screaming right back at her, telling her awful things about how much I hate her. It kills me, every time, and I don't know how much longer I can go on locking myself in the bathroom crying, just so I can get away from her so she won't physically attack me. I know it seems silly, she's not even 2 but she's bruises me and scratches me until I bleed quite often.
She makes me feel empty inside, and she makes me hate myself. I feel like such a complete and total failure. Women have babies all the time. Women have happy families, even single parents. My mom did fine, and I'm just a big fat failure. I mean, I'm getting bullied by a baby for christ's sake!
That said, I am also terrified of losing her. I love her so much, and I don't know how it's even possible with how horrible she makes me feel every single day. I just don't understand why she hates me so much. I've never seen a child act that way towards their parent over and over again. I would never harm her, I'm sure if it was something I was capable of it would have happened a long, long time ago, before I'd gotten as mildly used to it as I am now.
Just to make sure I'm not being totally melodramatic, there are, of course times when she's decently behaved and affectionate towards me, but in reality, it's probably 20% of the time or less.
I have no idea what to do. I hate feeling this way about myself, and I really hate feeling this way about my daughter; but I also can't stand the thought of not having her in my life.
Any advice would be appreciated. I don't really expect anyone here to tell me much aside from "Woah you need to be in therapy," which I know I do. I just got new health insurance from a new job, but the copay is 3 times what my old one is, so I'm going to try to find an alternative.
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Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 1:27 pm
Well, at the end of your post, you already covered what my first suggestion is: go see a doctor about your PPD issues. They're not clearing up on their own and I think you would benefit from seeing what your other options are; I can't even imagine how you've managed to go this long with as miserable as you are. sad
Two, I'm wondering what your expectations are for what Kaiya's behavior should be like. To me, a lot of this is reading as communication frustration and fairly normal toddler behavior. She can't tell you how she feels so she's acting out physically about it. (And not being able to make up one's mind is also normal for her age group--the she wants you/she doesn't/she does thing.) Have you tried narrating her feelings back to her and letting her know that you understand what she's trying to tell you even if she can't? It's worked pretty well with Ethan in the past and it gives him words to put with the feelings. It hasn't worked as well since we had the second baby and he's been resorting to hitting, kicking, and other similar behaviors.
This next part I'm hoping you'll realize isn't meant to make you feel bad or trying to call you a bad mother. If it makes you feel bad then I apologize in advance as that isn't the intent, I'm just trying to give you some more information and things to think about. Our children read off the energy and feelings we project onto them and the behavior we model is what they'll give back because if you do it, then they think it's acceptable. By screaming at her, she's learning that's an acceptable means of communication with you and probably why with you, she's acting out and less calm then she is with other people. I honestly do not think she hates you, just that this has been a normal behavior modeled by you so she's doing it back. If you can modify your own behavior and have patience to give it time, I think you'll find her reactions to you will calm down as well.
So to sum up, I think that talking with your health care provider about your PPD issues and learning ways to calm yourself and interact more positively with your daughter will help your situation. I wish you the best of luck. smile
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Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 10:37 am
Thank you, none of that was insulting or anything, I know that it's really hard for kids to know how to behave when their parents act totally different ways.
I also know that her behaviour isn't that abnormal, it's just the fact that she never acts that way with anyone else. I'm able to control my feelings and my responses to her pretty well, it just gets to the point when she's been behaving that way for hours when I kind of break down and can't take it anymore.
I've been making a point to try to talk to her when she gets upset, explain to her that I know she's frusterated because she can't tell me what's wrong or what she wants, and I think that I'm getting better about it. I suppose it all comes back to the breaking point, and the fact that in my whole life I've never been a patient person.
I will be checking into the services soon, possibly seeing if I can borrow money from family memebers or something like that so I can be a little more proactive about feeling better.
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Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 12:16 pm
Well I have the same problem but it is the other way around. My daughter who is 3 is an angel for me I have her full time i am a stay at home mom. She has her Tantrums like every child though she never hits me or anything violent.
But when i take her over to my mothers house she does a 360 and is a little hells angel. Bites kicks screams cries and well just makes my mom Not want to take her for more then a couple hours.
I feel in my heart that the reason she acts out towards my mother is because she hasn't set up boundaries for her at her house. And i am not saying you are not setting boundaries for your own daughter. If my daughter is overly tired or just in a poopy mood i send her into her room to scream it out. It won't hurt her.
At Your daughters age she is seeing what she can get away with. So if she hits you put her in her room until she calms down. Don't argue with her you are the mother. If she throws toys all over the house ask her once to help clean it up and if she says no then put her in her room. At some point she won't want to go into her room anymore. It really worked for me.
Also i agree with Dirge in seeing a Doctor about PPD. Hope my advice helped
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Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 6:50 pm
I will try sending her to her room next time. Thank you.
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